Disclaimer: I don't own Dead Poets Society. I do own a lot of thoughts about what I'd like to do to Charlie if I ever got my hands on him but I'm not really comfortable with sharing those.
A/N: DeadPoet0712 made me write this. Literally. She wrote something based on something I'd written and therefore, inspired this. I suppose that means I have to dedicate this to her. I hope you enjoy it and please don't hesitate to review!
Todd is sick of waiting.
He's never had problems with impatience and he considers himself to be an understanding person but this is one thing that he can't seem to be patient and understanding about.
It frustrates him and it's just become this weight that's settled heavily on the back of his mind. He wishes he didn't think about it as much as he did but he just can't seem to get away from it. The curiosity and the desire and the hurt- all of it is just there and he can't not think about it, even when the situation is beginning to drive him crazy.
He's absolutely, positively, madly in love with Neil Perry and he used to be so certain he felt the same way. Now he doesn't know what to believe. There's this little part of him that's desperately clinging to the hope that one day, Neil will just wake up and realize what Todd had and that he'll come running back and all the confusion and uncertainty will be gone so they can finally just be normal again. Sometimes, Todd wants to cut that little part out of him because it hurts too much to think about what it's going to feel like when that doesn't happen.
He'll never say a word because he doesn't want things to be rushed but every time Neil looks at him or laughs or says his name, his patience grows thinner and thinner. He wants Neil more than he's ever wanted anything and their different viewpoints on their relationship terrify him.
What if he'd messed things up? What if this was a mistake? What if he wasn't good enough? What if he never would be good enough?
They used to be so happy and so in love and Todd just can't understand what went wrong. He's thought about it over and over, running it through his mind at least a thousand times and he still can't get it. One day, things were one way and then the next, they were totally different.
He knows he'd been at fault for some of it. He's a clinger- he has been his entire life- and Neil is fiercely independent. He realizes now that's like fire and gasoline- one very explosive and dangerous combination. How could he give space to someone when he felt like there was already way too much there?
He's never been good with relationships of any kind. There's not a lot of people he's ever really been close to but Neil was different. The moment Todd met him, he truly felt like there was someone he could let in and trust and love without the fear of getting hurt. Neil was always there for him and made him feel like he was home and that he actually belonged. Todd has always felt as if he belonged with Neil and he supposes he's had his heart from the very beginning.
It didn't matter if it was wrong or right in the eyes of others because for him, it was right. Neil loved him and gave him the attention he'd always wanted and when they were together, he took away all the pain and the hurt inside of him and all he ever felt was happiness.
He figures Neil had been so good at that because he could understand the pain and hurt and Todd has always hated his inability to fix that like Neil had done for him. He could love him and he could be there for him but he couldn't really help because he couldn't even help himself.
So he did what he knew how to do and he sunk his claws in- desperately holding onto the one good thing he had as he, ironically, pushed him father away.
Todd has gotten himself so invested and involved that he can no longer imagine a life without Neil. It's as if he's just always been there and he can't even remember what he used to be like before he came along. He was so incredibly different and Neil's simple influence has changed him for the better. Now he's afraid of what'll happen if he loses that.
He doesn't know what he'd do or if he could handle it. He supposes that he could but sometimes, when he really stops to think about it, he doesn't see how that's possible. And when he does think about it, he feels as if someone's torn out his heart. Because really, that's what Neil is to him.
Neil is everything and it kills Todd to always question what he means to him. There's so many fights and so much doubt radiating from both of them and it's the most infuriating thing Todd could ever imagine. Sometimes he wants to yell and scream and throw things and sometimes he just wants to cry.
He usually will do both.
He just doesn't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, when Neil gets distant and Todd can tell he's angry, he wants to just throw his hands up and walk away because that seems like the easiest thing to do. He just reaches a point where he's so worn out and tired and Neil doesn't seem worth it anymore because everything he puts Todd through doesn't seem worth it.
But as much as Todd wants to walk away, he never does. He waits it out because he knows that once things have blown over, there's going to be a period of time where they're good again. It's easy to forget that in just a few days, one of them will fuck up again and that their whole relationship is basically a pattern of one-step-forward-two-steps-back because when it's good, Todd can't focus on anything else. He's happy and the rest of the world doesn't exist. It's just the two of them and that's the best damn feeling in the world.
So as frustrated and conflicted as he is, Todd is still determined to hang on. His patience is going to break one day and he knows that but he's certain that it won't remain that way for very long.
It could take Neil twenty years to figure everything out but Todd is always going to be there waiting. He just can't give up the hope because sometimes, that's all he has. That makes the sun shine brighter and the sky seem bluer and the days are so much easier when he thinks about the possibility of hearing Neil say I love you and actually meaning it.
He can say he cares about how long it takes but in reality, he knows he really doesn't care. Todd is never, ever letting that boy go for any reason and he's certain that nothing will tear them apart, either. Neil's his soul mate, really, whether he realizes that or not and that's not a bond that's easily severed.
Neil may be stubborn and frustrating and the single most ridiculous person Todd has ever met but he fills that little void within him and makes him whole and he can't even formulate words to communicate how much he cares about him.
So Todd may be sick of waiting but that doesn't mean he'll ever stop.