Rating: T
Pairing: Bella and her humanity.
Synpos: What kind of interal struggle would Bella go through if she becomes a vampire?
Disclaimer: I'm so not even close to being Stephenie Meyer. This world is hers.
"Breathe, Bella" I reminded myself again under my breath. I'd had to remind myself to keep breathing for what seemed like a thousand times on the drive to the Cullens. The car door opened, and I took the cold hand that was offering to assist me out of the car. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist, as if to steady me. We began to approach the wooden front door when I stopped. I closed my eyes and listened. I heard the night insects chirping and singing their songs, I heard the stream babbling through the property, and I heard the wind. The beautiful wind sighing through the treetops. They had never been so beautiful to me, and never so sad. I took off my shoes and put my feet in the grass. I wiggled my toes a little and giggled. I looked at my toes, then looked up at the face of my husband. The word had become easier to think day by day, then easier to say week by week, but we were about to become so much more. The look on his face while I childishly wiggled my toes in the cool grass was ancient and unreadable. I knew that this was something he dreaded and desired with equal fervor. He waited by my side, his arm cold and hard against the outside of my shirt, colder than the wind that was blowing down from the mountains. The wind ruffled my hair and he stepped closer. He put his face in my hair and pulled me close to him. I buried my face into his chest. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and put his chin on the top of my head. He seemed to be staring off into the distance, searching for something in his almost century of living to help him through this night.
"Are you ready?" he said heavily, his struggles with the state of my soul were finally manifesting themselves into reality. I pulled back to look at his golden eyes. They were so vivid they almost shone in the darkness. I knew what he was asking. He was asking if I was ready to give everything up. Everything I've ever known, every way I've ever known how to exist was about to change. I was about to change. I was stepping off into a great unknown that no one has stepped from before. I was looking off the top of a precipice that no one had ever seen, and not only that, I was going to jump from it. I thought back to my reckless cliff dive. It was just a year prior to this moment, but it felt like a lifetime ago. I remembered the sensation falling, falling into the cold water that tore at my lungs and threatened to end my life. I was rescued that time, but now, I was depending on the Cullens to be my saviors, to be my keepers. To watch over me during this apparently horrific event, but this time, death is the only option. More than that, I was allowing my dearest love, my life, to come and take my physical life from me. I looked at those beautiful eyes, so full of concern and love, and I said, "Yes. I am." Because despite the unknowns, I did know one thing, that my soul was one with Edwards, in so many ways, that life without him, would not be any life at all. Those eyes could not tell what was going through my mind, but send a current through my soul every time I see them. We started walking, hands wrapped together, towards the house. Edward opened the door, and I was greeted by five pairs of aureate eyes.
Each face displayed a different reaction to what was about to happen in their home. Carlisle had the calm, gentle look of a doctor that was about to deliver some difficult news to a patient. Esme's perfect brows were furrowed slightly with concern. Alice looked almost smug. She was probably glad she wouldn't be plagued by the images of me becoming a…vampire…anymore. Jasper's face was completely impassive, with no trace of emotion on it. Emmett, well, he looked like a child that had just seen the midway at the fair for the first time. He was beaming proudly. Rosalie stood away from the rest of the family, staring out the window and not looking at any of us. I knew this was going to be hardest on her, and I didn't want anyone to press her into a reaction. Carlisle crossed the room elegantly and walked over to where we stood in the doorway. I watched as a silent conversation flew between father and son. Edward nodded slightly, and then Carlisle turned to me. He took my hand, kissed it and said, "Welcome home, Bella Cullen". I knew what he meant by that. I'd been living with the Cullen's in the weeks since the wedding, but this night, was my true homecoming. Carlisle opened the door and went out into the exquisite evening. He was followed by Esme, who came and hugged us both tightly, then Alice, and Jasper, and Emmett. Rosalie left her window and walked past us and refused to look into our faces, keeping her head high. As she passed us, she looked back, and we met eyes. Her mouth twitched and a look crossed her face so quickly I almost missed it. The look was unmistakable, if she'd had tears to cry, it was a look of sorrow and loss. She quickly stalked outside with the rest of the Cullens and Edward and I were alone.
We stared up the staircase, taking each step slowly. Here I was, walking to my immortality. I felt as if I'd suffered from a long illness, and now was the time I was going to be released into my eternity. The uncertainty was there, though, the fear of the unknown that humans struggle from day to day, week by week. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts of what was about to happen I tripped and fell up two stairs. Edward laughed. I stood up and brushed myself off. "Well, I just wanted to take one for the road", I tried to joke." "Ha, ha" he said, rolling his eyes. "It really was quite morbid, Bella. You're being very noir this evening." "Well, you know, there's no telling how my sense of humor is going to be after this, so I have to get all the sarcasm-slash-noir in before…well…you know…"I blushed out of nerves and looked down. He brushed his frozen hand against my warm cheek. I looked up at him and he smiled my favorite smile. Every time I saw that smile, the fear just melted away into…Edward. He would keep me safe, he would guide me through this, and, on the other side, there will be nothing but us. I held that thought in my mind like a security blanket as we began to approach his room.