Sometimes it was difficult for Leonard to see Carolina and York together which was unfortunate since they were his best field agents. They were a seamless partnership, the best infiltration team Leonard could have hoped for. Their strengths overlapped enough to cover their weaknesses, they trusted and understood each other as few others did and they were so very, very good together that it sometimes made memories tear at Leonard's heart.
Because Carolina was fearless and unstoppable and York was mouthy and confident and it was almost like looking into a mirror and seeing Allison and himself. Except the mirror was distorted and instead of seeing the past as it was, Leonard saw what he had hoped he and Allison could have been. There was an ease to the two of them that Leonard never had. Even in front of the other agents there was that subtleness- the hint of teasing in their voices, the air of familiarity as they stood together, the way they looked at each other, obvious even through their helmets.
It made Leonard remember how guarded Allison was even in private and how he always pushed her, how she pushed back. They couldn't ever give in, not even to each other and they fought in bed more often than not. Their relationship existed somewhere between love and exasperation, but sometimes there were quiet moments when they could just hold each other, play without getting competitive, be open without being questioned. Leonard treasured those moments the most because they were so rare. And it was why he resented what Carolina and York had.
Because York could kiss his way down Carolina's body to settle between her legs and she'd hold his head to her, hook her knees over his shoulders and let him take her weight without a second thought. She'd shudder and gasp and beg until she cried out his name like it was the only thing she knew in the world. And he'd hold her, run tender hands up and down her legs until she could stand on her own again and Leonard couldn't ever remember Allison letting him do such a thing.
Sometimes in the locker room, after everyone else was gone, Carolina would hold York from behind, her hands wrapped around him as he leaned into her and whimpered. She'd stroke him, murmur words into his back too muffled for the camera to pick up until he spilled over her fingers, shivering and weak-kneed and supported. And then she'd watch him watch her lick her hand clean until York growled against her mouth, wanting her and a bed and a night all to himself. They were playful, demanding and accommodating to Leonard and Allison's challenging, forceful and dominating.
They had honesty. If there was only one thing their relationship had that his didn't, Leonard would say it was honesty. Because Leonard could never just say 'I love you' through his actions and Allison wouldn't have accepted it anyway. They danced around the truth because they were afraid despite knowing the other felt the same. It was why they always fumbled frantically together, biting and pulling and trying to make the other submit.
There was never a night like the ones Carolina and York sometimes had where they moved slowly together, quiet words and worshipping hands, a slow roll of bodies like the moon pulling the tide. It was sex without it being sex. It was the first time Leonard had ever seen two people making love. It was about fingers intertwined and breath on skin. It was about looking each other in the eye until they were branded to the soul. It was everything Leonard had ever wanted but could never have.
So he watched them in meetings, in the commons, with hidden cameras behind closed doors. He'd watch and stroke himself and tried to imagine Allison being as gentle as Carolina or his mouth without teeth on Allison's breast, like York's on Carolina's. And afterwards, with his hand sticky and cool and them sleeping together, two bodies tangled as one, Leonard wondered what Allison would have thought of him.