Edward's POV
I look back and replay everything in my head. I try to understand how loving someone could lead to all this.
Why did she ever think I was strong, even for a minute?
I spend so much of my time just trying to figure that out. It was almost as if my weaknesses were invisible to her. She loved me to much you see. She couldn't accept that I was the villain, that I would ruin everything. Worst of all, she couldn't see that I didn't have the strength to save us, no matter how much I wanted to.
…
My father grew up in the small town of forks, only ever leaving to go to colleges. He never travelled, he never wanted to. Once he was finished with college he ran back here with his wife Esme, ready to start his life in the small quiet town. It was all he had ever wanted.
…
He loved it here, he loved how nothing changed and he knew everyone. He found comfort in that, he saw a beauty in it.
He knew this was where he was meant to be. In his home town, working in its hospital, living in his grandfather's house, minutes away from his childhood friend, as he always had.
Charlie never left Forks, he never had too. He spent a lot of time fishing and camping with friends at the la push reservation and that was where he met Maria.
Esme and Carlisle already had two sons when Maria and Charlie were married. It wasn't long after the wedding that Maria found out she was pregnant, only months after Esme fell pregnant for the third time with me.
…
I remember my childhood with her, the perfection that lies in children's naïve eyes when they look around and see a fairy tale. Not noticing the fine details, not knowing yet just how harsh and cruel the world could be.
…
I don't remember Maria; I only knew her face from photo's that Bella refused to look at.
Charlie told me that even as a baby, when he would show her them she would always push them away. As if even then she knew this woman had abandoned her, that she had ran off without looking back once.
For years she called Esme her mom and I vaguely remember them trying to correct her, while wondering if they should take that away from her.
Bella had been climbing into my window at night for as long as I could remember. She would run through the Forrest between us and climb her way into my room, crawl into my bed and cling her cold body to mine.
I knew they wanted her to stop doing it, it wasn't safe, but they had never seen the distress in her eyes when she finally reached me. She simply had to get to me and she couldn't stop herself. The problem was that she was far too young to be able to find the words to explain how she felt or what was happening in her head.
…
I remember the first day of school. I remember it clearly, her pale pink t-shirt, the bow in her hair and that she was smiling. I will never understand why she was so happy to be there or why that happiness had to be so short lived, why she was the target of everyone around her.
She was never weak, never.
But she was so shy and quiet. She was one of the only children with a single parent and the only girl who had a boy as a best friend. We soon found out that when you're five years old, these things matter.
Suddenly I could see that this wall forming and the sunshine that once radiated from her was gone and the world was no longer as bright as it once was.
…
By the time we were nine, the lines had been boldly drawn. No one even remembered why they were there. But over time it became clear that those lines were unbreakable and no one dared crossed them.
…
Lunchbreaks were the worst. she would constantly pretend that she unaffected by the harshness of the world. I would l sit next to her in the lunch room and feel a fire begin to blaze, but I was far too young to know how to control the heat that erupted from it.
She had retreated somewhere deep in her mind, a place even I couldn't reach her.
In class, the teachers would snap their fingers at her, as if that would somehow make her want to be here in reality. She seemed to always daze off, looking out the window, a longing in her eyes, the same that you see on birds in cages. Desperately yearning to be free.
No matter what I did I couldn't change that, I could never get her to snap out of it before the teacher noticed, assuming having a class laugh at her would eventually have her pulled into line.
And that was Bell, my daydreamer.
She was tripped when carrying her books.
Called names and pointed at.
She was the centre of their pranks and harsh words.
But I never knew why, she had never once done a thing to anyone else. That was why it hit me so hard each time, they were tearing her apart and didn't seem to care. Flooding her with anxiety and bringing on a rage inside me that I could not control. The blaze inside me grew with each insult, until I was out of control of it, until it had to be released.
And it was.
On anyone who dare try to hurt her, on anyone who tried to break her down even more.
Eventually it would happen and the chain of events would start and I got even angrier knowing that there was nothing I could really do except throw my weight around and spill blood. I was the bodyguard she never requested or wanted. I would always be found by her side, watching every move she made, watching everyone around her, looking for anything that might cause her harm.
…
I was waiting at our table while she got her lunch from her locker. I stared through the glass panel on the lunchroom doors awaiting her arrival. I watched as she slowly made her way down the hall toward me when with her head down. She opened the door and walked in, still trying to fit a book into her already cluttered bag. She glanced up and caught me looking at her, she smiled at me rolling her eyes. Mike and James suddenly entered the room, quickly and closely behind her. Within seconds Bell went flying into the hard floor. Once again, she had forgotten to tie her shoe laces, leaving the trap ready and waiting. In that moment, I saw red. It's how I knew I was out of control.
I would have gotten to her first, if I was me, if I felt like me. But instead, there was no thinking. Just running and hitting. Bell pulled herself up quickly to see what everyone was watching and turned around just in time to see me punch James in the face. He lay on the ground, crying and holding his nose as the blood poured from it freely. That when I felt the fabric of my shirt being used to drag me off him.
My chest heaved in and out and I looked at Bell; she was stunned but not at all surprised by my actions.
It wasn't the first punch I threw for her and it would not be the last. She looked down at him and then back at me, raising her eyebrow and shaking her.
"My hand slipped" I laughed throwing my palms up on front of me, surrendering with a smug smile.
She frowned back at me, still shaking her head.
"I was going for a high five. Seriously" I laughed out defending myself while she dragged me through the lunchroom door that she just came though.
"High five hey?" she replied looking back down at him again before the lunchroom door swung closed, then pointing her annoyed gaze back to me.
"With a closed fist?" she questioned, before I could answer she wrapped her fingers into mine dragging me away the scene of the crime.
"Seriously, I don't have many friends. I forgot how" she didn't stop to listen; she just kept pulling me outside.
We were two very different people and I was always reminded of that at times like this. She never let them know that they got to her, not like I did. I couldn't help myself but react and she couldn't see the point.
…
In no other area of my life was my temper brought to the surface. But when it came to Bell I was totally insane.
This anger issue did not exactly give me the best reputation and for some reason, Bell hated that. She always told me to let it go and except what is. But I couldn't choose to do anything, because was out of my hands. I never decided to do these things, I never considered options, I never planned them. I just acted on impulse.
My parents and Charlie always tried to pull me in line. Bell would always be at their sides, a soft expression covering her face. I couldn't help but smile at her every time, she knew this wasn't me. I wasn't violent, she had convinced me of that fact.
I was only ever the real me, when I was with her. The rest of my time was spent longing for her return. That's how it had always been; I was just always so lucky that the longing never had to last long, because she was always with in my reach.
We had discovered the world together. Every birthday, Christmas's and thanksgiving all of it was with her. We learnt to swim and ride bikes together; everything was with her.
…
"No, we always go camping" she argued as she lay on the soft grass. Her feet were in the air pressed into mine, her head rested on the giant wolf that snored beneath her. We had only months until her 11th birthday, I continued to push for camping but it done me no good, when she had her mind set the argument was over. Seeing as she had to pull me of someone else again today, I decided to praise whatever she had in mind. Still not being able to shake the guilt, knowing that I could off very easily hurt her in amongst the chaos, made me feel shitty.
Scout suddenly slipped out from under Bells head and went running off in the direction of her house, causing her head to suddenly hit the ground. She rubbed it laughing, knowing this meant Charlie was home from work. We took each other's hands, lifting each other to our feet, ready race home.
I played along with this always. Quickly glancing down to make sure she had knotted her laces.
Before I could completely stand up, she let me go.
As soon as saw that I was unsteady, take off into the woods, in attempt to beat me at a race that that begun long before I could remember.
I would always let her play this trick, not because I didn't care about the race, I did. But I never cared about winning. I cared about two parts of the continuous race, and both parts or the same reason. She would get this mischievous grin and her noise would scrunch. It would happen right before she let me go and when I finally reached her. It was not a look of success, or even that she was gloating because she always beat me there. There was no reason to gloat because no one ever won a race that never ended.
When I finally reached Charlies house, I saw it.
She ran up to me and wrapped her arms around my neck, letting her body go limp, and even though I was usually puffed out. I would laugh and drag her to the back door, her shoes scraping along the dirt and her laughter hitting my chest. It was worth it.
…
Other than at school, the outside world failed to penetrate ours. And blissfully, every day was the same, so there really was no way to see what was coming toward us.
There were no signs.
No signals.
There was no way to prepare.
…
We had spent most of the night at Charlie's until dad finished work and picked me up. By then we had both fallen asleep on the couch together and I felt her continuously shift next me. When my father arrived to take me home, I was half asleep and caught a single glance at her before he carried me to the car. But I knew that would not be the last time I would see her tonight.
…
I woke at around 2am to the sound of my window sliding open. It never scared me. I always knew it was her, some part of me could always feel her rushing towards me.
I moved to the right side of the bed and held the blanket up until I felt her tiny freezing body crawl in next to me.
"Are you ok?" I asked as I felt her shaking and panting beside me.
She always breathed heavy until she caught her breath but if she was shaking like now, I knew the nightmare that woke her was as bad as they could get. She reached out and grabbed a hold of me, clutching handfuls of my shirt as she nodded into my chest. But the panic that ran though her filled the room and failed to disappear until long after she was asleep.
I knew her dreams must have been so horrible. Why else would you run through the woods in the middle of the night?
I never got to see her have a nightmare because she always slept peacefully whenever she was with me. I wondered how come she wasn't tired enough to fall back to sleep in her own bed, why she had busts of energy that were strong enough to get her to me so fast.
She would always be gone before I woke, running back through the Forrest as the sun rose with the huge white wolf that always escorted here in the night and back home in the morning.
I could only imagine how beautiful she would have looked running through the thick fog in the meadow. Too see her out there and always able to remember her free like that, that would have been something to hang onto. But I was always in a daze when I would hear her leaving through the window that she came, always telling me to go back to sleep.
Before I drifted back off, I promised her I would meet her by the new tire swing. These memories were always like dreams, so much that I always had to wonder if they ever actually happened. But I always found her there. I felt her lips press into my cheek as I lazily reached up to touch her face, before she swept the hair from my face with the tips of her fingers.
I would wake in an empty bed, smiling into the smell of her that lingered on her pillow, excited to see her again. Like I was this very morning, unable to lie still for even a minute in my bed because nothing inside me would allow that kind of relaxation until I was by her side.
I got up and got dressed as fast as I could and started to make my way downstairs. As soon as I opened my door I could see Jasper and Emmett wrestling on the ground in the hall. I jumped over them, almost tripping as ran down the stairs, heading straight for the door, but was stopped in my tracks.
"Morning kiddo" Dad said standing by the back door, still wearing his scrubs from the hospital. Freaking out realizing he must have been called back in to work late last night.
"Dad" I said a little too surprised.
I wondered if he'd seen Bell running home through the back meadow towards the wood.
He laughed at my guilty expression as I stood frozen for a second.
"What are you up to?" he chuckled as he walked over patting me on the head as he passed. He was used to me looking like I had been up to no good.
"Nothing" I called out, raising my voice so he could hear me in the kitchen, because I had no intention to follow. I eyed the door and walked casually towards it. I could see he was exhausted from work so I decided to take the opportunity to flee.
"Well I got to go, I promised Bell" I said as I got closer to the back door. I was free, he didn't see her. I started to twist the handle when I heard him from the kitchen.
"She's getting fast"
I froze and turned to look at him leaning up against the bench, staring at me while he sipped his coffee and smiled at me raising his eyebrows. 'Dam it'. I smiled at him and nodded.
"She sure is" I answered as I decided to make a run for it.
"Where talking about this tonight Edward" he yelled out as I ran through the door and out onto the porch, but as always, I could sense a hint of amusement in his voice.
…
I ran into the Forrest towards the stream. When I approached the swing, I paused in my tracks. I couldn't see her anywhere and stupidly thought that for once maybe I had been dreaming when I told her to meet me.
I looked around for any sight of her, but suddenly I was knocked off my feet. I looked over as I lay on my back next to her. She giggled hysterically before rolling on to her side and moving her body closer to mine.
"Busted...hey" She said casually as I began plain with her hair.
"He says your fast" I chuckled trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah, I'm like the wind" she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes and dropping her chin back down, so her eyes could no longer meet mine.
I looked down at her and could tell she had more on her mind then just getting caught out by Dad. We both knew our parents well enough to know that as far as discipline went, well it wasn't going to happen. More than anything they wanted to know what had frightened her so much that she simply had to get to me. A question she never answered to them or me.
"What's up Bell" I asked. She closed her eyes for a second trying to compose herself. I knew this look all too well. I knew that it had something to do with the nightmare and the night mare had something to do with me. That's why she always ended up in my bed, clinging to me as if I would evaporate, as if her fingertips were the only thing keeping me here with her.
The most she had ever told me, was that she couldn't lose me. That she felt like someone wanted to tear her from me. Like I would ever let that happen. As if something so horrible could happen.
I never once could bring myself to believe her, because I never believed in anything strong or evil enough to do something like that.
"There just dreams" Bell answered casually but carefully; she knew what I was getting at and always she wanted me to drop it.
I flashed her favourite crooked smile at her and leaned over and kissed her lightly on the cheek.
"That's right, Just bad dreams Bell. Nothing bad will happen, I won't let it" I whispered an attempt to remove the creases from her brow.
I didn't realize at the time how big a promise I was making, maybe too big a promise for a child. I was not only too young to make it, but young enough to believe every word of my vow, with every fibre of my being.
I got up and took her hand, leading her over to the swing. I sat with her there for hours, taking about nothing and everything; there simply weren't enough hours in the day to say all we wanted too. That was my biggest problem in this world.
She told me someday we would go to places like New York City and other wonderful cities that she dreamed of, that we would fill our days with exciting things. She loved the idea of a places that never slept. She told me over and over how big everything looked in the pictures, how everything was lit up. The places she dreamed of were nothing like Forks, a place that where entire town would shut down at 7:30, getting darker and darker, until the only glimmer left came from the street lights.
She knew there was so much out there just waiting for her, a whole world of wonder and adventure. Just waiting for us to seize.
Quietly, her dreams scared me a little sometimes. I wondered if her mother had the same ones, and that's why she left. The longing to be free from everything, even the family she built. Because I was different, I could have sat right here in this Forrest forever, without a second thought. Right in this spot would have done just fine. If I had her, I honestly didn't care where I was.
Suddenly our conversation was interrupted by the echo of barking followed by a long howl. We both smiled and lept to our feet, running in the direction of the sound towards Scout.
Scout would be on the porch of Bell's house waiting for Charlie to get home, every day. The overgrown puppy would be by Charlie's side every chance she got. She looked at Bell and Charlie us as her pack to protect. Always watching us playing in the Forrest, she would often keep her distance, but we would catch her watching us from a far, making sure we were ok.
I chased her through the meadow to the tracks in the Forrest. that would lead us to her home. There was no way to catch her even if she didn't cheat, it was one of those moments when the world disappeared and all that was left was the sound her laugh made, as it echoed past the old trees that surrounded us.
I'll never forget how she looked that day, as long as I live.
She was free and alive and right in that moment she was mine.
The creamy fluffy dress she was wearing had patches of dirt and grass stains from us playing in the meadow. I stopped in her backyard knowing I had to drop down to my knees to catch my breath.
"Eddie" She yelled over her shoulder, when she realized I wasn't behind her. I leaned up slightly to see her running back to me. I smiled widely at her approaching me, but still could talk to tell her I was fine.
"Hey, did you want me to get you some water" I shook my head and reached out to hold her hand; I still unable to talk so I just smiled again at her.
"You should have told me to slow down" she said. I would never. I loved to watch her run so fast she looked as if she may take off and fly.
She sat down next to me for and looked over at the driveway waiting for me to catch my breath. We could see Charlie's police cruiser sitting there.
"Do you think he's spoken to Carlisle?" she said looking the direction of her house.
I shook my head.
"He'll wait till you get picked up this afternoon I think" I said smiling, assuring her it was safe.
…
Esme and Maria were very close but Charlie and my father grew up together right here. I've seen photos of them all together and happy. The flashed smiles that left me wondering what went wrong. There were photos of Maria and Esme pregnant with us. One of my favourites was a picture of them pressing their huge bellies together and laughing. It was my and bells first photo together, taken right here in this backyard. But she never wanted to see it. She never looked at anything to do with her mother. She always told me they would get in her head. Make her crazy. So, I left it alone, knowing I could never really understand how she felt. The abandonment and the confusion she felt was something that only affected me, by how it did her.
She always said the same thing whenever it was brought up. "why would I want to look at pictures of someone I don't know when I have hundreds of pictures of people I love" Which was true, there were literally hundreds. Esme was crazy with cameras. Bell, my brothers and I grew up in a spot light she created for us.
The loving, bright photos of days that would eventually be nothing but dreams of a life I once had.
We walked up the stairs to go into Bells room after we convinced Charlie to make us hot-dogs for lunch and on the way passing the large shot gun leaned up against the front door.
"Are you and Charlie going hunting?"
She shook her head, throwing me an excited smile.
"No. He's taking Scout and going with Sam tomorrow; didn't Carlisle tell you I'm sleeping over. Esme said she would watch snow white with me" she smiled, while also glaring at me. Knowing very well if she made me watch that I would talk and fidget the whole way through and ruin it for her, like I did to most of her beloved Disney movies
I was happy she wasn't going with Charlie. Bell never went out hunting animals on the trips. She would just stay at the cabin with Sam Utley's family, but she said she got bored there very easily.
Charlie took Bell for other reasons, besides hunting.
He was constantly trying to teach her about gun safety and what they were for. The damage they could do. Because he was a cop and a hunter there would always guns around.
Originally Charlie never wanted her to have anything to do with guns. It wasn't until Bell was one year's old when it happened. After that he knew as soon as she was old enough he would have to.
It was something I never once mentioned to Bell, and never would.
Late one night after she was asleep, I heard them saying her name in distress from the lounge room and couldn't help myself but sneak down the hall to listen to them. I heard my parents and Charlie talking about when Bells mom left and Charlie was a wreck. Esme cared for Bella as much as she could, trying to give Charlie a chance to adjust, or as I heard my father say, 'drink himself with in an inch of his life'.
But one day Charlie had finished work and left his gun holster hanging on the stool at the breakfast bench in the kitchen. He sat in the lounge room in his chair staring at Bella, watching her crawling around on the ground. He would only look after her if he knew he would be sober, Carlisle credited him on that throughout the conversation. But Charlie said that the drinking wasn't the problem. His head simply wasn't in the game. He had lost it and couldn't admit it to anyone and in doing so, he put Bella in danger.
He was going through the motions he said, acknowledging nothing but his own grief.
He repeated the simple fact over and over, that he didn't even notice bell leave the room.
She crawled out while he was deep in thought. Not knowing how long she had been gone for, he looked around the room for her in a sudden panic. He ran into the kitchen to find bell holding his gun, she sat on the ground playing with it, looking right down the barrel. Charlie carefully but quickly plied the gun from bells hands and stared at her for hours.
Knowing all along what could have happened to her.
Carlisle told him over and over that the safety was on and it was just an accident. But Charlie said he would never forgive himself. He knew how many children died playing with their parent's guns, how horrible accident like that could have led to something he couldn't fix.
So, he wanted to make sure Bell knew everything about guns. She could pull one apart and put it back together. She also knew to never touch them. Bell was extremely responsible with them and that's why when there was a home invasion in port Angela's, Charlie decided to teach her how to fire one, he became more and more horrified that something could happen to her. He desperately wanted her to be able to protect herself.
…
Charlie and I starred at each other, raising our eyebrows to one another and finishing off lunch as Bella went on and on about the movie they were going to see tonight.
"It has Unicorns! I love unicorns!" she almost screamed while looking at the ad in the newspaper, scrunching the fragile paper in her overly excited grip.
I tried not to laugh at the thought of Charlie having to sit through the whole pretty, pink crap Bella always watched. She started to tell us about how she heard there was allot of singing and dancing in it and the princess finds the unicorn... blah blah blah. But I looked at Charlie to see he was almost horrified at the description she was giving. I smiled cheekily at him when I heard about the unicorn and the princess's grand adventure.
I watched his lip curve, flashing an almost evil grin and I instantly tried to give him apologetically look, but it was too late, being a smart ass always got me nowhere.
"I feel so rude" he spoke over Bella's excitement, I started to shake my head at him, he wouldn't dare... would he?
"I forgot all about Edward, we'd love you to come with us son. I'm sure you'll enjoy it" he smiled at me knowingly as I shot daggers at him, knowing Bell was too overjoyed to notice.
My mouth was hanging open.
That son of a...
"Yes! Yes! Please Eddie come with us! It will be so much fun. We're going for dinner first and..."
I couldn't even listen to her. I just stared at him. I thought about pretending I needed to use the bathroom, maybe throw myself down the stairs when I reached the top. Say I tripped. This meant seriously having to consider which was worse. Unicorns or broken bones?
"Trader" I finally whispered to him across the table when I came to my senses.
Bell was still frantically squirming but he just laughed to himself and dropped his hand to his side patting Scout who had been contently watching us eat lunch.
…
Just to see her smile, I dreaded to think of limits I would go to, for that.
Apparently, I would even watch movie based on a god dam horse with a horn.
Charlie waved and laughed as he pulled out of the driveway. I gave him a dirty look and shook my head but stopped quickly when Bella looked back at me.
We turned at the same time and ran back into the Forrest when the cruiser disappeared down the road.
Without a word, we ran to our usual spot. Through the woods and past the meadows that surrounded our homes and up the steep hill that led to the clearing. This was our spot. No one ever found us here but we could always find each other here, the only one who knew about our spot was Scout. Scout would run with us in the afternoons through the lush grass and wild flowers that filled the meadow, I knew she loved it here for more than just the peace, it was out of a fairy tale. Just on the edge of the clearing was a cliff edge overlooking the ocean, something that led to a reality that I thought could never touch this place.
It was the most horrifying drop I had ever seen and always gave me this feeling like I was falling and I never got over it. But she loved the view, this was where we came to watch the sun set, so I took steady breaths and never looked down.
She balanced and skipped slowly and lightly along the cliff edge. She was way too close for my liking but she always looked so comfortable day dreaming as she looked down at the waves crashing into its side.
"Bell" I whispered, not wanting to startle her while she is so close to death.
She turned slowly looking at me.
"We should go, it's getting dark" I paused staring into her eyes. There was worry that filled them and left her looking as though she had sixty-year-old women stuck inside her. She would never talk to anyone in full about what was going on inside her head. Charlie always thought she told me everything but her soul was full of secrets that I feared she may never reveal to anyone.,
She slowly walked the lining and towards me. There are no words for my nervousness watching her, every step came with new images of her falling and me not being able to reach her. She was so calm and graceful, for some reason when she stood up here her whole energy changed. She changed. But I couldn't understand it.
Scout sat beside me watching her and I could almost feel her heart pound in sync with mine waiting for her to slip.
Every second that followed her walking towards me from the cliff edge was like a movie. So many parts of it I wanted to rewind, pause and fast forward, but I can't. I can't stop her from leading me home and can't stop myself from following. Why didn't I just keep her there for the night? We could all still be together. I'm the one who shook her from her daze, we could have stayed there all night and stopped it all from happening.
…
"Eddie. Bell. Get home you two"
Esme voice chimed through the air as we both ran faster and faster in her direction, hoping she wouldn't figure out how we had wondered.
We ran into the field that surrounded my house. I could see Esme standing on the back porch. She had left to see an old friend and this was the first Bella and I had seen her in days.
Bella ran faster and faster with Scout beside her. Esme giggled at the sight of the three of us as she walked down the stairs and leaned down with her arms open to catch Bella in them.
She jumped into her arms and Esme pulled her off the ground, I quite happily settled for hugging her side as she led us into the house, I turned my head to watch Scout running back to the Bell's house to wait for Charlie to finish work. Like she was a babysitter, just dropping us off.
I was tackled down by Jasper and Emmett when I walked through the front door. My mother shook her head and stepped over us with Bella still in her arms.
They walked into the kitchen where Carlisle was, sitting her on the high bench. Bell was so happy to see Esme that she didn't realize she was being surrounded.
They stood fixing her hair and laughing as they wiped the smudges of dirt from her face. Playing with her curls and wiping the dirt from her snow-white cheeks. She had no clue I realized, as I noticed her swing her feet playfully.
"So how did you sleep last night missy?" Carlisle asked pouring her a glass of water and handing it too her as she bit her lip, unable to lie, while avoiding telling the truth all at the same time.
"It's dangerous Bell, what if you got hurt"
"If something's bothering you sweet heart you can tell us."
"Your father is so worried, we just want you to talk to us"
Esme and Carlisle kept going and going. But Bella just sat staring at Esme with a small hint of a smile only I would notice. The soft loving looks that flowed between them always made me feel humble. They belonged to her just as much as they did to my brothers and me. They had raised her and knew her inside and out as much as Charlie did. Carlisle rubbed her back while he leaned next to her and told her he could help if she would just talk to them.
I walked in quietly but bell still noticed me. I winked at her.
Carlisle saw her looking in my direction. He straightened up and looked over at me.
"Do have some light to shed on this"
Carlisle knew that even if I did know that it wouldn't make any difference. Never once had I betrayed her. I kept all her secrets, the ones she had told me and the ones I had figured out for myself.
I looked up at them standing over me. Bell smiled waiting my response, raising her eyebrow, waiting to see what I would come up with. Just then before I could answer Charlie walked in behind them setting his hat down on the bench. Bell turned back to see Charlie and then sunk down looking back at me, knowing they meant business. I hadn't thought they would be this convinced she could hurt herself. But they did tend to overreact when it came to our safety.
"Well son, speak up" Charlie announced breaking the silence. Everyone stared at me.
"She just...likes. To...run" it was lame, but it was all I could think of.
"I do" she nodded in agreement "and where else would I run too" she sounded so god dam adorable.
They explained to us over and over how we needed to be more responsible. How we can't just assume there is no danger in the Forrest. Bad things could happen.
It didn't last too long once they could see that they were just repeating themselves.
"Alright then you two outside. I'll be out in a minute" Charlie raised his hand waving it towards the back door. Esme picked Bella up off the bench and held her close for a few seconds, before watching her run to my side. We scattered out the backdoor leaving them to talk about her.
…
Everything was normal. We went to the usual restaurant that we always went too. We ordered the same thing we always ordered. Then we walked to the movie cinema and watched the incredibly horrible movie.
By the end, I'm not ashamed to say, I wanted that Unicorn dead.
Bell laughed her head off the whole way through. She sat between us and every now and then I would catch Charlie giving me almost apologetic smiles. This was borderline child abuse.
We had done this a hundred times, so why did that night have to be any different.
I remember being in the backseat of Charlie's truck with her. We were laughing about a camping trip we all went on last year. A subject I brought up to change her mind and convince her that we should go again for her birthday. We were happy, I remember that clearly.
We came to a small hill and just as we went over it, another car came straight at us.
There was no time to react. No time to even register what was about to happen.
Charlie tried to swerve out of its path but the car collided with his side.
Her horrified scream was deafening, I wanted to wrap my arms around her and pulled her close. But everything went black.
Suddenly I couldn't breathe. I woke to see the thin material choking me, realizing it was the seat belt tightened around me me. We were upside down and strange strong smell flooded the air.
I panicked trying to get the belt of, panicking more when I saw that Bella wasn't moving. Her body hung motionless and I could see the blood smeared over her face, gushing from her head.
"Eddie!" I looked up to see Charlie in front of me looking back, his hands bracing the ceiling.
I couldn't breathe or talk. I was crying, I was screaming, I was yelling my breaths. But no words could be formed.
"Listen to me Eddie" Charlie yelled but he was calm, trying desperately to get my attention. I screamed at him frantically to get me out. Pleading and begging with him. His eyes filled with tears as he reached out to me. I reached out and grabbed his hand and when I did I saw why his eyes were filled with more sorrow than I knew one person could hold.
And when I looked over at his body I could see why.
He couldn't get out, that the car was crushed around him.
"Charlie" I screamed hysterically. I needed him to save us. I couldn't move and she just hung there, limp making weak moaning noises of pain.
"Listen to me son" he yelled and I stopped trying to talk, but the sobs continued to erupt from my chest, creating a sound I had never heard.
"I need you to unbuckle your seat belt. You need to stay calm Eddie, everything is going to be ok" he said, desperately to calm me down.
I tried to undo but it wouldn't budge as the fear and frustration took control I began hitting it as hard as I could.
I briefly wondered why Charlie didn't stop me before I suddenly dropped down to the roof of the car. I immediately went for Bella. I held her awkwardly around her chest so she didn't drop when I got her free. Her seatbelt came of easily before she fell into my arms. I looked her over, unable to help myself but Charlie's sad voice stopped me.
"I want you to get her out of the car son. Then I want both of you to get away from the road" he was crying and looking at his daughter in my arms.
I didn't understand.
He was telling me to leave him here. But why. I shook my head furiously at him.
"What about you" I cried out.
Suddenly his pained cries began breaking through the strong voice, the strength I had always depended on.
But I didn't listen; I tried to get to him but his hand that reached out to me held me stopping me in my place, while I trembled in shock.
"She's precious to me, don't let her forget that. Tell her how much I love her. Tell her I'm so sorry I'm going to miss everything." I cried uncontrollable at his words that he barely managed release as he stared at his daughter. Before he could continue his words were interrupted by light filling the crushed truck and his sadness and love disappeared, until all I could hear was terror and panic.
"Go now Eddy. Out the window."
I looked at him not understanding what was happening shaking my head hysterically, still not wanting to leave him.
"NOW EDDIE. GO" his voice roared with fear and it fuelled me. I followed his instructions blindly, I pulled her out of the half open window feeling my leg cut on the broken glass on the way out.
I ran. As fast as I could. Trying to get her off the road to the grass, but it all seemed a blur, within seconds a car was speeding over the hill.
Before I could move or scream the car collided with the remains of Charlie's truck that once looked so strong. It was crumpled in the middle of the road. I remember the crashing noise being so loud that it sounded like an explosion.
Then I couldn't hear a sound, nothing but a high-pitched ringing in my ears.
There was something else there, something else in that moment but I couldn't remember it, even if I tried. The memory was black and out of my reach. Without knowing how, I stood with her held tightly to my body. I could feel the blood streaming down my face, hitting my lips warmly as it passed. I looked up to the sky, trying to force the stream to run away from my eyes and when doing so, I saw the stars.
It felt like I merely blinked, like I barely took a breath and the entire world changed.
We had everything.
Then there was nothing.
…
I desperately tried to blink my eyes open. My adrenalin kicked in before anything else. I tried to pull out the wires that ran into my veins holding me down to the soft surface.
I couldn't believe my hands were empty when it seemed like only a moment ago they held her with every bit of strength I had. I screamed Charlie's name till it hurt, like I thought I still had time to save him. To get to him, to find her.
"Edward, look at me honey, it's OK"
I looked over to see my mother's tear soaked eyes looking back at me. She was trying desperately to hold me still and sooth me, but all I could think of was the sound of Charlies tortured voice still fresh in my mind.
"Where are they?" I demanded through her wiping the tears from my face. I could feel my heart pounding until it hurt my chest as I continued to struggle to get free, when she suddenly leaned down and wrapped her arms around me.
"Sweet heart she's OK...calm down baby. Carlisle is with her. She's not alone"
The knowledge that she wasn't alone made my hysteria fade, but only slightly. But still my mother wouldn't let me go. She held me down and continually tried to calm me and stop my panting and tears that seemed out of my control.
The fluorescent lights made it hard to look around the room but I knew we weren't alone. I looked over and I could faintly see the blurry vision of a police officer outside the door. It hit me what had happened. She only said Bella was OK, I froze and pushed my mother away to look in her eyes, I wanted relief from this growing pain in my chest, I wanted her to tell me everything was going to be ok, but I only saw his face staring at me in horror as the car filled with light, a light that would take him away from us forever.
There were no words, I knew it. He was dead.
I didn't need her to tell me. I don't know how long I screamed out his name. I remember her hands on, me trying to hold me down so I didn't hurt myself. Even when the nurse burst through the door and started preparing a needle and my throat burnt from screaming that he come back. I didn't stop screaming until the cool substance made its way into my veins and up through my arm.
I felt numb. I laid down and stared at the ceiling. I could feel the tears and sweat drenching my face. But I couldn't move.
My mother's voice sounded suddenly very far away. I laid for what felt like hours. I didn't move an inch. Even when Carlisle came and I had started to come too, I didn't react. I waited until dark when they stepped out to go the bathroom or get more coffee.
As soon as I heard the click of the door closing I sat upright.
I knew she was only two doors down, so I fled the room after ripping the wires and cords from my body without hesitation. I looked out the door, checking both ways before running down the hall. I snuck into her quiet room after waiting a few seconds for a nurse to leave.
She didn't say anything when I walked over and neither did I. I just crawled up onto the bed next to her and cuddled my body into her side. It took only seconds and I noticed that she was falling asleep, she was disoriented and groggy, but her hands still squeezed me tightly to her fragile bandaged body. I knew she was drugged and that her throat must have hurt like mine, not that it would matter, because the idea that there was anything to be said, was just stupid. There was nothing, they didn't make words for this. So, I just laid with her.
…
After three days in the hospital they finally released us and we finally got to go home together. Without a second thought, they scooped her into their arms and took her home with us. She was ours. Our family.
…
Carlisle tried on three occasions to convince me to talk, tell him about the accident. He told me that they found us almost two miles from the crash; I had carried her into my arms trying to get help. He said that I was conscience until the ambulance arrived and started to treat her. I told him that I didn't remember anything, so there was nothing to talk about. It wasn't a complete lie. I had no memory after looking at the stars and trying to detour the blood from my eyes. That long walk down the side of the road has been left somewhere inside of me. All I could think was that the memory must be so big that it filled the space and couldn't fit, so it simply slipped away. I just wished the rest of the memories had done the same.
I knew he didn't believe me, I knew it was written all over my face that I was lying, but I didn't care, I wouldn't budge. What should I say? 'I left him to die dad'.
Everyone couldn't understand how we survived. They all assumed we were in the car when the second car hit, because no one knew what I did. If Bell ever wanted to hear the truth I would tell her. But I knew that day would never come, I could never think of any reason why it would.
Once we arrived home, Bell walked up the hallway to my room and I followed silently. We walked through the door and I was stopped in my tracks as she paused. I looked down to see her kicking her shoes off. I didn't want to go to bed, I wanted to run and scream and smash everything. But of course, I didn't do any of that. Mainly because my injured and exhausted body wouldn't allow it.
I kicked my shoes off and took my sweater off and we both slowly slid our battered bodies onto the soft mattress. She laid with her back to me and I ran my fingers over the soft skin on her neck, back and forth. I didn't talk I just watched as she just laid there starring out the window watching the clouds pass by.
It was like that for days on end, just her and I alone. I rubbed her back and ran my fingers through her hair. I told her over and over that I loved her and that I would protect her. But after two days of lying there I suddenly realized there was something missing, and unlike everything else that was missing...I could fix this, until I did I, wouldn't be able to rest a second longer.
She laid still, covered in cuts and scrapes, most I think we're caused with my haste to get her out of the car. I ran my hand through her hair to try to get her attention from the daze she was locked in.
I sat up in the bed and leaned over whispering in her ear.
"Bell, there's something I have to do."
Her head spun to me and her eyes panicked, she reached out slowly but harshly and clenched my shirt willing me to stay.
"I'll be right back. I promise, it will be ok" I smiled lightly at her letting her know everything was fine and I hadn't lost my mind.
She calmed down and eventually gave me a nod, releasing my shirt from her fist.
I got up and slowly got changed. Not realizing how slowly I was healing until I had to try and move around. There was nothing major, but I was bruised everywhere and my whole body felt exhausted and crushed, covered in the same cuts that covered Bella.
I decided to climb out my window to save trying to explain myself, but I ended up having to throw myself from it and muffle my swearing as I hit the hard ground. I got up silently, cursing myself internally before I slowly made my way into the Forrest. I held my body up with a tight embrace around my stomach, knowing the fall from the window did not help my condition. I got close enough to Charlie's house and dropped to the ground from exhaustion and pain.
I knew she was close somehow. I just had to wait for her.
"Scout. Here girl" I yelled out through my scratchy hoarse voice. I knew the horrible truth that she would be staying around the house waiting for Charlie to return. She appeared slowly in the thick woods by the house. I stood up and waited for her to walk to my side and patted her head softly.
"We have to go to Bella." I said quietly before I turned back towards my house. The wolf following closely at my side, no matter how much my speed didn't suit her.
I could have passed out on the way back. I easily could have given in and dropped to the ground but I made it. I lifted the window up and pulled my body slowly into it. Bells head turned to see me and greet me with a weak forced smile, surrounded by fresh tears and red eyes. I pulled my legs through and walked slowly over to the bed before collapsing back into my spot next to her. I breathed deeply trying to get my breath back from the trip so I could tell her, but my head hit the pillow next to her and I could hardly keep my eyes open long enough to explain myself.
"Scout." I yelled with my last bit of energy and in an instant the big white wolf jumped up through the window with ease and made her way gracefully across the room, before leaping in to the bed to lie by her side. Bella laid unmoving, almost stunned as her beloved friend made her way to her. She looked at me for long moment before she pulled the wolf close enough to cuddle up in its white fur, as if it could protect her from what's happened.
…
We laid undisturbed for hours like that, eventually Bell cried herself to sleep and I quickly followed. It wasn't until later that night when I heard the door open and looked over to see dad standing there quietly, his face stained with tears and pale from exhaustion.
"She came here?" he whispered looking at Scout. I just nodded staring over at him. I didn't want him to worry about me running around looking for her.
"Are you two alright?" he whispered again trying not to wake Bell.
"were fine, just tired" I answered resting my head back down to relax. I didn't know what I was meant to say, so I didn't say anything to him. It felt so weird, because I usually told him everything but now I couldn't bring myself too.
"Tell me if you need anything son." He added before slowly pulling the door closed.
…
The nights began to drag as I found myself fighting off sleep, fearing the idea of taking my eyes of her, even for a second.
Time was lost in her tears and silence. Scout lay completely unmoving unless to nuzzle her body closer to Bell, attempting to console her. I wondered if when Bell stared into Scouts eyes, that Scout knew he was gone. I wondered if she was like me and she could feel everything radiating from Bell. Could she feel the loss and pain that flooded her and this room? As if the sheets themselves were now soaked in it.
…
She walked out of the bathroom completely dressed and ready to go. She had done her own hair and clipped back her thick curls from her face. I couldn't help but watch her in the mirror I was standing in front of as she lightly treaded across the room, sitting on the edge of the bed to put her shoes and socks on.
I tried over and over to do my tie, but I couldn't do it, it was just useless. I had always needed someone to tie it for me, the task was just impossible. I was still standing here in front of the mirror when she was completely ready. I started to consider tying it into a knot, or tossing it on the floor when she suddenly and silently appeared in front of me. I knew she knew how to, but I would have rather gotten someone else to do it., in fact anyone else. There was just something so incredibly wrong about her helping me get dressed for his funeral. I didn't want her to do anything for me, I could barely bring myself to look at her as she adjusted it, not that she would have noticed. She fixed her eyes on the tie and stood in front of me straightening it and my collar and then my sleeves. I couldn't see her in her eyes and they couldn't really see me. It was as if she was somehow gone, running on Auto pilot.
…
The funeral was like a blur, the only clear memory I have was the look in her eyes when she placed the rose on the coffin.
She hadn't spoken a word since the accident and I didn't expect her too, not until that look faded. Not until I could look in her eyes and see that she was in there, not until her eyes didn't look so empty and hollow.
She didn't cry, but lifeless tears spilled out on to her scratched and bruised cheeks as she crushed her fingers around mine. That's what I remember the most. The pressure of her palm pressed on mine, how much it hurt. But I never dared show it, if anything I focused on it. It hurt so much less than anything else around me, so much less than watching her drowned in front of me slowly and silently.
I was so tired. I couldn't believe that I was still standing. I couldn't believe that it was only hours ago that she was fixing my tie and straightening my collar. Those graceful fingers clutched mine as we got out of the car at her house. Everyone had gathered there for Charlie's wake, but as we walked up to the front door I felt her hand slip from mine. The relief from her squeezing my fingers together for hours left me feeling a wave of sickness, hitting me in the chest instantly.
Before I could turn my head to question her actions, she was gone.
I didn't look at anything else but her black dress disappearing into the woods and took off after her not noticing that I had left them all standing on the porch, watching us flee.
I chased after her but she ran faster and faster through the deep Forest stopping for a brief second and then running even faster. I followed her tracks, I could almost see her black shiny shoes in the dirt. The only thing I could hear was her crying while she ran, it echoed loudly past the trees and trail that we were on. It was so much louder than the birds and wind whistling through the wilderness while I screamed and screamed her name, knowing she wouldn't listen to me. There was no stopping her, no matter how much I begged for her to stop.
I did my best to keep up with her even though it hurt to run, but I kept myself going.
I had to go past the pain because even though she was far away I could see she was in pain too, but she was pushing through it, fighting it.
By the time I started catching up to her as we had passed the hill and reached the familiar clearing. I watched as she ran through the meadow and straight for the cliff edge when she finally gave into the pain, forcing her body down to the ground, but only for a second. The time it took for her to get to her feet, gave me few extra seconds I had needed to fill the space between us.
She ran at the cliff edge with speed and power, as if she planned to dart herself of the edge.
It had killed me to catch her, but I did.
Within meters of the edge I wrapped my arms around her and threw us into the roughly into the ground.
"What are you doing?" I growled, far to horrified in that moment to be compassionate, my words came out harsh and full of a rage that scared even me. But it didn't seem to scare her; she swung her body trying to get out of my grip on her, until she couldn't fight me anymore.
She didn't answer me she just cried and cried and screamed in agony, in a terrible pain that had no relief.
She wanted to die. I got it. And horribly, the thought had occurred to me that I should just give up and throw myself over with her. Because where could we possibly go from here.
When I looked at the horizon and saw the sun hitting the ocean, all I could think was that I wanted that sun to disappear and never again return. We could crawl into bed and never get out again. I could just lay forever with her in my arms. We could sleep through this life and into the next one. We could disappear with the sun that seemingly evaporated into the water, burning and glowing as it sizzled away.
I stroked her hair and gently rubbed her back and she relaxed in to me and once again she began digging her fingers into me returning the pain that I needed to be here, to be set in this moment. People just thought it was shock and grief, but I knew better. It was so much worse than anything they could imagine. She clung to me because she was lost and didn't know her way back to who she was before all this. She had lost every trace of what she was, her fingers stuck into me as if she knew deep in her core, right through her bones, that I too would soon be gone and there would be no hope of finding that person she once was again.
She was almost falling asleep, pressed into my side. That's when I realized we had been out for hours and I knew Esme and Carlisle would be worried.
"We should go back "
She nodded and I pulled her up and took her hand. We walked slowly until we approached the steep hill. Naturally I let her hand go and waited for her to take off but she didn't. She reached out again, taking my hand and for the first time ever we walked the whole way home. There was something about watching her walk down that hill, like a bird that had her wings clipped, it was dark and depressing. I was losing her, no matter how tightly we grabbed a hold of each other. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.
We got to the spot where we used to split up to go our own homes but now that she was living with us I was surprised when she pulled at my hand to go back to her house.
"We got to get back Bella. We can sneak out later if you" I tried to bargain with her, until I noticed her hands only held mine, she was missing something. It clicked that she must have left the old photo album on the porch. Without any more questions I walked into the Forrest with her. When we got to Charlie's house we were walking silently through the backyard when we heard yelling coming from inside the house.
Bell pulled the sleeve to my jacket and dragged me quickly over to the kitchen window. We pulled over an old crate over to the window and stood on it to see in. That's when we gasped in shock when we saw Carlisle holding Billy Black up against a wall with his fist closed held at Billy's face ready to strike. Billy's wife was there with Esme and what looked like Charlie's lawyer attempted to diffuse the fight that was seconds from starting.
It didn't make sense. I looked over at Bell puzzled, but when I looked to her for answers all I could see was the same shock, covering her features.
Carlisle slammed Billy into the wall once more, before releasing him letting him stumble back to his feet. He looked at him with such rage and disgust, like he wanted him dead. I never knew he could have so much hatred in his eyes, that his features could twist in such a way.
"She's not a payoff, she's a child" he growled standing over him.
"She belongs with us. Her mother will back me up. I'll do what I have too so give this up and except what is." Bill said, his voice showing that it was taking everything he had not to react violently.
I looked at Bells expressionless face. Had she heard what Billy just scratched through his teeth?
"Please, you have to reconsider. Please just let me have her " My mother's sweet voice sounded desperate as she approached Billy's side but I could see that her pleas meant nothing to him, the pain in her voice didn't affect him.
"You have to understand that I raised her. I love her..." she stopped and looked at him her eyes begging for compassion. She reached out lightly touching his arm trying to soften him, trying to urge him to see her panic. But nothing, he was just so empty.
"Please, we will do anything " she screamed, begging him, when he cut her off with a roar
"NO! Now you listen lady I don't care when anything was written. She's not yours understand. I'm grateful that you helped Charlie when he needed it. But he's gone now and we don't need your help, understand me when I say she is coming home with us."
The disaster before me left me shaking. it wasn't until I heard Bell breathing heavily next to me that I realised I could move. I looked to see her shaking her head as if trying to force out the new information.
"Bell" I whispered while taking a hold of her arm lightly.
"Bella look at me" I whispered more harshly, but she was in the middle of a panic attack and couldn't hear me over the rough breaths that escaped her lips. I pulled her chin and made her face me. Her eyes dragged of them and into mine.
"It's going to be ok. He won't take you anywhere. This isn't happening"
"I'll die without you." She suddenly broke with a whisper, her eyes stared into mine and filled with tears.
The shock of hearing her sweet voice for the first time in over a week left me motionless when suddenly she ran from my side and ran into the kitchen. I followed her instantly through the back door and suddenly everyone stopped yelling as she stormed through the kitchen into the living room, they stood staring down at her as she marched up to Billy completely fearless.
"Get out"
The anger in her voice was painful to hear but never seem to penetrate Billy's hard exterior.
"Listen Isabella, your father wanted" Billy spoke softly and slowly reached out to Bella's shoulder, before she yanked her arm away, stepping back and glaring at him.
"Don't you dare? Don't you dare tell me what my father wanted? Your evil, I can see it" she screamed through grief and now her rage. "you can't do this, you don't even know us, or me" she finally whispered in frustration.
"Isabella I'm not a bad person" Billy kept his voice calm as he knelt to look her in the eyes, I couldn't help myself run to stand in front of her protectively without thinking.
"You heard her. She wants to be with us... Leave" I didn't sound as fearless as Bella, but I wasn't letting this happen. Bella was right I could see it in his face, he was evil. Maybe he was the monster from her dreams. The lawyer left, he seemed upset and looked almost guilty.
Billy stood up again and looked at Carlisle, I looked to my father waiting for him, waiting for him to tell him he couldn't do this. But he didn't.
"Let me take her now or I'll get the police" Billy was done playing nice, the calm tone in his voice disappeared when the lawyer left. Bella's face changed, her eyes fixed on him before she ran up the stairs. Before I could leave to follow she returned just as quickly, running back down the stairs. Billy and Carlisle continued to argue, before it turned to yelling. Within seconds they were back in each other's faces shoving one another back and forth. He suddenly took a hold of Dad and squeezed his arms but before anyone could react to the fight preparing to breakout we all heard a noise, one I had heard before.
A sound that will always and forever remind me of Bella.
"Let go of him now" she spoke very calmly but her voice had a dark edge to it. He released him instantly and stepped back. I looked back to see exactly what I had expected. She held the shiny 44 magnum handgun right at Billy's head.
"Don't think I'm afraid, I've been trained with this exact gun for years and I have no problem pulling the trigger and all I have to do is tell her too and she will rip your throat out" she said evilly directing everyone's attention to Scout who was standing by quietly, flaring her teeth.
Billy looked over at Esme to see if Bella was telling the truth, Esme nodded at him, as if urging him to back off silently.
Charlie often bragged about her aim being better than a middle-aged police officers he worked with. It had been years since she missed her target. There was no doubt in my mind that the gun was loaded and she had every intention of killing him.
She advanced towards him, the gun steady in her hand.
"Scout." By the mere mention of her name from Bella mouth the wolf was back by her side, waiting for the command to attack.
"Leave" she demanded, looking deep into Billy's eyes. She didn't yell. She didn't need too. Billy tried to say something but Bella done something else with the gun that made a nice noise which was quickly followed by Billy and his wife's sudden departure.
She held the gun in the hand still pointing it as Billy slammed the door behind him. Carlisle walked over to her immediately and knelt in front of her, putting his hand out.
"Gun" He said with his palm open in front of her.
Bell stared into his eyes for a moment, but handed it over.
"It's loaded isn't it" he said knowingly gazing into her big brown eyes.
She nodded. Carlisle clicked what I assume was the safety and placed the gun on the coffee table. He looked at her for a long second and opened his arms to her.
"come here sweetheart" he whispered, before she dove his arms. He lifted her up, holding her tiny frame to his chest protectively. I watched as Esme walked over to them, her hand rubbed Bella's back while Carlisle kissed her hair and looked over Bella's shoulder at Esme. They seem to be having a quiet conversation with their eyes, until she nodded and began wiping away the fresh tears. She put her hand out for me, I walked over almost cautiously. She pulled me close to her side.
"The police are coming sweetie" she didn't respond she just squeezed Dad tighter and started screaming and crying hysterically. Carlisle held her close and tried desperately to hold back his tears as his face turned red. Esme pulled her from his arms and held her tightly. Carlisle stared at them intensely but also hopelessly. As if it was all over. Just like that. I watched as he left the room, going upstairs. The fight he had in him when Billy was here, was gone now, there was only regret and pain left.
It didn't take long for the police to get there. I saw them park out the front and I quickly ran out to the porch and got her photos, the reason we came back here.
Esme put her coat on her, while Carlisle put her woollen beanie on and pulled her hair out and fixed it while she looked at him desperately trying not to cry.
"Will you be warm enough" she nodded at him trying to be brave and hold back the sobs but they still managed to break through her lips.
"I packed your bag with some clothes and your tooth brush and everything you'll need." she tried to nod again through the tears but Carlisle pulled her into his arms again and she broke down.
"I'll do everything I can to fix this Bella. I'm not going to stop until I know you're safe".
The officer knocked at the door and Carlisle stood up wiping the tears from his face and I put the book into bells hands. She looked at it then at me, letting out harsh breaths. The reality of what was happening, setting in. She grabbed a hold of me and pulled me close, her arms twisted around her waist and mine; around her waist.
"This is how the nightmare starts" she whispered in to my ear, so quietly that the words were nothing but sounds mixed in with rough breaths. I squeezed her tighter, with everything I had and she squeezed back. Selfishly I wondered how I would survive without her grip on me.
…
I only remember the screaming, both hers and mine. Then they ripped her from my arms and Esme and Carlisle held me down while they took her from the house kicking and screaming my name through her cries. Scout ran at her looking like she would attack the police officer, flashing her huge teeth once more.
"No Scout." she sobbed out. The police officer relaxed instantly when Scout stopped in her tracks like a statue.
"Go back. Now." she commanded even though I could see it killed her to do. There was no way Scout would be able to ever go near Billy now. Scout might as well be that loaded gun and she knew it.
I just knew what it was like for me, I don't know what that first night was like for her all alone. Being dragged off to a house she never been in, with people she didn't know. It had only been a week since the crash, now this.
I felt sick that I didn't protect her. I should have got the gun and killed him. As soon as we got home I went straight up to my room and turned the lights off and crawled into bed. I lay there all night staring at the ceiling. I let myself believe I could hear her opening my window and climbing. I let myself believe it was why Scout jumped to her feet minutes ago, she would hear her arrival lone before me. Until I felt the bed sink on her side.
I reached up and pulled her to me squeezing her to my chest, urging her to squeeze me just as tight. She had run at for miles, in the middle of the night to get here, but still she had the energy to hang onto me like I might fall from the earth.
"Did they hear you?" I whispered through her hair as I pressed my face into her neck.
"No they were asleep. They shouldn't notice until morning" she sounded exhausted so I started rubbing her back, desperately wanting her to rest in a place she felt safe.
"Edward. I don't want to live there. He doesn't like me...and he" she sobbed instead of finishing and pushed her face into my shoulder.
She feared him. I felt my insides boil at the thought, knowing I was just a kid and I couldn't help her, and if I couldn't help her...what use was I.
He wouldn't like her; I knew that. He would hate people like her. She was free, full of this fire that made strong. It waited in her chest, always ready, preparing to grow and emerge into the world. He would want that fire extinguished, turned in to ash, never to be ignited again.
He was going to kill the fairy tale once and for all. Everything we had slipping was slipping through out fingers, no matter how tightly we held onto each other.
I rubbed circles on her back and ran my fingers through her curls trying to soothe her to sleep.
Even once she dozed off, it did no good for me. I didn't want to close my eyes. I was so scared she would be snatched from my arms again. I kept running my fingers through her hair, so even in her dreams she would know, I was here and she was safe.
I heard the door creak open, I pulled her closer and waited to see who it was. The lamp beside my bed flicked on.
Dad stood over me, shaking his head while he put his hand out to Scout, urging her to stay on the bed, rather than greet him.
"They'll call the police as soon as they realize that she's gone" he whispered.
"She knows that " I replied straight away and looked at her again, fearing having her ripped from my grasps.
"She needs to sleep" I said softer, cutting my father off before he could speak again.
He leaned down and pulled the blanket up and tucked us in before running his hand over my messy hair.
"Try and get some rest too Eddie". He flicked the light off and pulled the door quietly behind him. I tried to just enjoy having her here with me. But I couldn't.
I didn't sleep I just laid there, wanting to take her and run away. But there was nowhere to run too and I knew they'd find us. At 7am Scout started barking and growling at the window, followed by a knock at the door. Bell woke at the sound, she didn't say anything she held me close.
…
Over the next few weeks the police visits became normal in our house, until finally it was only Billy's wife Samantha. There was no way to keep us apart, that much became clear.
We did try to get her home legally, but the lawyers and courts just seem to give them more rights, they forced her to go to the school on the reservation so we couldn't see her in forks at all. Billy made it clear that if he saw Scout anywhere near his property he would have her put to sleep, one way or another, so I kept her with me as much as I could.
After months, they had found Bells mother, and for a moment we thought we had a chance but it was the complete opposite. She wanted her with Billy and told them never to contact her again.
The lawyers told Esme and Carlisle that they could take it further but would lose. I heard the lawyer tell them that they were spending thousands, in the end all they were doing was pouring water out of a sinking ship.
The only thing my parents could assure that her inheritance was secured in a trust, that could only be accessed by her, once she was old enough.
Billy got money for looking after her and found other ways to profit from Charlie's death. Eventually he would find out just how much she stood to get, but now he settled for scrounging through Charlie's belongings. Thankfully Carlisle bet him too it, anything of importance was in a storage space, where it was safe.
I had helped him go through her thing, even though It killed me to go back to Charlie's house.
Every time I closed my eyes I saw his horrified face, I remembered watching as the car collided with his. While I did nothing.
His screams would combine with mine as they woke me, until finally I was the one too scared to sleep alone. Dad tried giving me pills to help me sleep and always asked if I wanted to talk to someone, but I didn't want anyone to know what I'd done.
It seemed like every day he found a new way to bring it up. It always ended with me telling him to drop it. I didn't remember anything. Why was it doing hard to believe me?
How many times did I have to tell him before he just believed me?
I complained to Bella about how I wished he would back off and just believe me.
She said he would believe me, when I told the truth.
Smart ass.
…
We adjusted, we had to.
We tried to shake it up a bit, she wanted to keep Billy guessing on when we would sneak out to find each other.
We had secret spots that we hide glass jars in, leaving letters for each other whenever we could. The one closest to her house was in the hollow spot, of an old rotting tree. The letters and secret meetups weren't enough, it was just all we had.
…
We had met up for a few hours in the afternoon, after school. I was overjoyed to see her, but I found it hard to be happy when I saw how horrible she looked. I could tell by the dark irises under her eyes that she hadn't slept and I knew the feeling. She said the Blacks were having friends over on Friday night, that would make it easier to sneak out, even longer for them to realize she's gone.
I left her notes all the all week, trying to keep her in good spirits and to help her remember she's not alone. I did all I could to make the long week as easy as possible, but by Thursday she had cracked. I found a note, telling me to meet her on the cliff edge. I ran there and found her sitting on the cliff edge with Scout, her legs hanging of the edge as usual.
They looked so lost sitting there together, like they were alone in the world. Charlie was there way and they lost it.
Couldn't they look in her eyes and see what this was doing to her heart. Did they want that flame to burn out for good?
Didn't they care about her at all, was Carlisle right...was she just a pay check.
I would listen Dad and Mom argue late at night, when they thought me and my brothers were sleeping. This wasn't them, they never fought. They were just terrified of the truth.
They had lost her.
I could hear the defeat in their voices and I knew it was over, they didn't want to keep dragging Bella through all the court crap, giving her hope that didn't exist. Even if they kept trying it would all end the same. That was the only reason that they would end up screaming hateful things at each other, wanting someone to blame. Both needing the other to fix it.
Some nights, I would hear mom storm of on dad. She would go to their bedroom, dad would end up outside on the front step, with a coffee and his secret pack of cigarettes. Usually he would sleep in his office downstairs and I would worry about my mother, I knew she was in her room alone and sad. But I knew she would feel even worse if I went in to console her. There was a reason they waited until after midnight to fight, when they thought no one could hear them. I would wait until I thought she would be asleep and sneak in.
I knew she had been crying, because of the discarded pile of tissues, also knowing I wouldn't wake her, because in amongst her tissue piles would be packets of sleeping pills.
It worried me.
Allot.
But what could I do.
I would take her shoes off and cover her up with a blanket. Lean over and kiss her cheek, remind her that I love her, praying the words would spill into her dreams and give her some comfort.
I wanted her to be how she used to. But I'm sure she felt the same about me.
…
I sat on my bed anxiously waiting for her.
My foot tapped the ground over and over and I chewed at my lower lip until I thought it would bleed, constantly pulling at my hair involuntarily. I decided she was taking too long and looked out my window to see Scout, wanting to see if she could hear Bella coming.
Some nights Scout would sleep in my room or on the front porch, but mostly she would roam the woods. I didn't expect her to stay with me all the time, she didn't belong to me but I knew she would always stay close.
I almost gave up on her arrival, when she finally crawled through my window. It was well after midnight and I could she was exhausted.
She huffed lightly as she collapsed into the bed, feeling my whole body relax as she hit the mattress.
I wiped the curls from her face and pulled the blanket over her.
"What is it Eddie"
I didn't want to ruin any small amount of time we had together, so I tried to smile back at her but she shook her head at me, leaning up on her elbow.
"I don't buy it, what's wrong... You know you can't lie to me."
She was right.
"I'm just worried about you. I don't like you having to run so far alone, anything could happen" she pressed her index finger to my lips then slowly glided her hand to the side of my face trying to calm me. I wasn't lying it did make my stomach turn every night, but it wasn't what I was really worried about.
"You know I'm safe. Besides we have had this conversation a hundred times over Edward".
And we had, but I couldn't believe she was safe, I had no proof of it.
I nodded and looked down at our intertwined fingers, wanting to cry at the sight.
Before I could look at her she lept on top of me, she started tickling me and wrestling with me on the bed making me smile weather I wanted to or not.
I missed being like this with her.
We played and talked for hours that night about everything and anything. I told her over and over that no matter what, we would always be together.
That no matter what I would always find a way to get to her.
I said these things over and over, drumming the words into her head.
Sometimes early in the mornings, when it was still dark, I would wake and realize she wasn't in bed with me. Once I went into the hallway to see if she ok, I could see in the light from the kitchen, giving me something to follow down the dark hall. I snuck around the corner to see in.
Mom sat in her white silk robe with Bella at the breakfast bench. She was picking at pancakes while she babbled to Mom. Through their laughs, I could see the sadness in both their eyes. They were just like the rest of us, trying desperately to hang onto something they used to have.
I left the obviously private moment and went back to bed, she crawled back in after an hour or two smelling of maple syrup and berries. I snuggled up to her and didn't say a word or question her. I just laid there awake with her, waiting for the knock at the door.
It would be hours until they came looking for her. She had already fallen back to sleep with her face pressed to my chest, making my skin sweat from the warmth of her body. Her tiny fingers were digging into my back, even in her sleep. It was the only thing that made me feel grounded. I focused on the discomfort of her nails pressed into my skin, I found solace in it. I would focus on anything that made me forget, that this was my fault, that I was the one who had failed her.
Knowing that if anything that happened to her from here on out, it was my fault.