Title: Smile Like You Mean It
Category: Sam/Jack, missing scene, vignette, angst
Spoilers: "Beneath the Surface," "Divide and Conquer"
Season: set at the end of BtS
Summary: One word shatters what might have been.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
o0o0o
"Yes, sir."
Sir. With that one word, all the memories come crashing down -- the memories of who we are and what we are to each other, no longer impeded by the dam of a memory stamp.
Like déjà vu, I remember that time -- seemingly a lifetime away -- when we confronted the same situation that we do now: what to do with these 'feelings' that face us. Feelings that had been hidden and suppressed for years; that had been unwillingly dragged out of us, and, after that, had once again been hidden and suppressed.
None of this has to leave this room...
I snap back to the present and stare into her eyes. Carter's eyes. "Sir..." The repetition of her last word falls from my suddenly dry lips as I look into those clear depths, marvelling at how quickly she could take away the illusion.
In an instant, all that we had shared as Jonah and Thera has been completely and utterly destroyed; rudely yanked away from our wanting grasp. Gazing into her eyes, I can almost see the tinge of sorrow lingering in those blue orbs, mingled with the barest tint of regret.
But in the blink of an eye, it's gone, and I'm not sure if I really saw it or if in a brief instance of self-delusion I merely imagined the whole thing.
I know it for certain now -- we'll go back again; back to the way things were before. Back home, where my more-than-I'm-supposed-to-care-about-her feelings have to be constantly guarded, every action carefully controlled and regulated so that nothing can be misconstrued.
Back where the memory of that unspoken thing between us, once acknowledged in a forced confession and never again spoken of, will remain a mere, distant memory.
Abruptly, I feel sneaking tendrils of jealousy ensnare my heart, and the bitterness wells up again. I can't help it: I envy Jonah for having had the opportunity to go after what he wanted...something that I will never have. Hegot to feel the soft pressure of her head on his shoulder, to love her in the open, to say all the things that I've always wanted to tell her but will never have the chance to.
As my mind begins to tumble down the well of despair again, the absurdity of my thoughts hits me, and I curse myself. I shouldn't be feeling like this -- jealous of a persona that only existed in my mind. I'm being completely illogical, irrational, and over-dramatic.
After all, it's not as if I'm to be separated from her forever. Nothing's changed. We'll still work together, just like always, and we'll get through this unscathed, like we always do. In fact, this experience will have absolutely no effect whatsoever on our professional and personal relationships...right?
Right.
Even my tired mind, desperately trying to cling to this fantasy that was never meant to be, can see through the feeble lie.
Still, there's nothing I can do about it. If that's the way she wants it, then that's the way it's gonna be, and no amount of wishful thinking on my part is going to change that.
There's only one thing left to say:
"Let's go home."
"Yes, sir."
I follow my second-in-command out the door.
-fin