The world is in the hands of a complete and utter idiot, Kai thinks hysterically before bursting into genuine laughter for what he thinks is probably the first time in his life.

There's this feeling that accompanies that laugh— something even stronger than the usual stupid affection he feels for these people, these boys who have saved him in all the ways he could have been saved— though he doesn't recognize it. His face is flushed and he is exhilarated and exasperated all at once, fond and warm and terrified at the same time. His heart beats loud in his chest as he is hit with the realization that he believes without a shred of a doubt that Takao will succeed; not just here in this moment, but in whatever he will attempt to do from now on. Kai doesn't understand that feeling, not then. He understands the urge to challenge, though, and he acts on that.

It's only a few years down the line that he recognizes it for what it is. It's long after he's experienced it time and time again, long after he sleeps and dreams of a place no one else could see, where their thoughts and feelings felt like echoes of one another. He recognizes it at the same time as he calls it out for beyblade, but doesn't understand what it truly means in the chaos that follows.

So honestly, it only really, truly hits Kai as they lie next to another in a grassy field, far away from anyone else, that he is in love with Takao Kinomiya.

"Oh," he thinks first, the self-awareness startling and refreshing, until the full weight of what that means reaches him. "Oh, no."

This is bad.

Kai's never been any good at acknowledging and accepting feelings, especially in relation to other people, a fact that's been more often than not mocked by his teammates. He proves to be a parody of himself once he realizes the full depth of his feelings for Takao and promptly decides to completely ignore them. As one does.

That task proves harder than he expected, however, because it turns out over the past few months since BEGA's downfall, Kai had completely underestimated just how much time he had started to spend in Takao's presence. That time turns out to be basically all of it. In fact, it is literally all of the time. He has even pretty much moved into the Kinomiya family home, which he only noticed when he mechanically followed Takao to the dojo one night. That is just unhelpful on all accounts. Not so much the fact that he's staying there; it's not like he hasn't spent an inordinate amount of time there before—or that everyone they'd ever met didn't use the dojo like some kind of weird beyblader hotel at one point or another— but the fact that it does make the whole willful ignorance of his own feelings just a tad harder when he's spending every waking AND non-waking moment hanging out with the cause of them.

Still, Kai has been ignorant of these feelings for… some length of time he's not sure of now, while under similar circumstances. That he's finally recognized them for what they are should in no way impair his capacity to compartmentalize and ignore them. All he has to do is simply to act like nothing has actually changed, and they might go away with time. Like a disease.

So he attempts to act like usual, and therein lies another problem: Kai's regular thoughts and actions when it came to Takao, especially recently, have been in no way a normal way for friends and rivals to interact. At least, Kai thinks there's a good chance Max and Rei don't look at Takao and feel like they could spend the rest of their lives just sitting close to him, breathing in his presence. And, while they might feel a rush of joy at battling him, Kai is pretty sure they don't feel like they're living and breathing for these moments, where the rest of the world disappears and all he can feel is Takao, Takao, Takao…

…

Fuck, he has it bad.

Anyway. No matter how hard Kai attempts to ignore it, this feeling won't go away. In fact, now that he's realized it, it only gets worse the more time passes. But no matter what, he has no other choice or option than denial, so. So: he lies down in the grass with Takao, eats with Takao, blades with Takao, watches Takao interact with people, sleeps in Takao's house— and then, when it's too much and he feels like his heart might just burst, he leaves. No one thinks anything of it when he leaves suddenly in the middle of whatever else was happening, so it's fine. If it becomes more and more frequent, that's fine too.

Everything is fine, and nothing has to be done.

"Okay, something's gotta be done about this," Rei says, suddenly, when Takao is distracted by a match with Daichi and the rest of the "G-Revolutions" (which, seriously, Kai did not vote for that name) are left watching from the sideline. Kai ignores it, because he has no reason to think it's directed at him, and because he usually doesn't respond to Rei's non-sequiturs by principle. Or any of his other statements, because Kai is a great friend like that.

In fact, he only notices the comment was directed pointedly at him because everyone is looking to see his reaction. He gives them one by raising an eyebrow in question as he clearly has no fucking idea what they're talking about, thanks. Also: he is not about to prompt Rei to continue speaking. He never prompts anyone to continue speaking.

"Don't act like you don't know what we're talking about," Hiromi huffs, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "You've been acting weird around Takao for the past few weeks, and I think we can all figure out what that's about."

Kai, who has spent the past few weeks suddenly leaving when Takao accidentally gets too close, walking out in the middle of conversations because the way the light hit Takao made something jump in his throat, and disturbing his (feral, his, whatever) cats by suddenly hiding his face in their fur in the middle of a regular petting session as he remembers a random thing about Takao that embarrasses him (everything), stares nonplussed at her. She looks at him with a long-suffering expression usually reserved for Takao and Daichi. He is at least twelve percent offended by that.

"Weird's not the right word," Max says, tone light and innocent, which Kai knows is never good for anyone involved. "I think it's more… hmm, lovesick, yeah?"

The word is said not only in English, as expected of Max, but loudly. Extremely so. Kai turns pale (...paler) and looks immediately to Takao, who noticed nothing because he and Daichi are, as usual, even louder. Kai has two seconds to feel relief before he realizes what he's just done. He flushes up to his ears and concedes to attempt to hide his shame in his scarf, all the while refusing to look any of the others in the eyes. He can hear Max and Rei laughing quietly at his expense, and can see Hiromi hiding her mouth with a hand from the corner of his eyes. He regrets ever admitting to being friends with these people.

"Shut up," Kai answers, knowing full well it's a lousy comeback even as he says it. "I haven't been acting any kind of way around Kinomiya."

"Denial," Max and Rei chime in at the same time. They high five. Kai should call them out on the hypocrisy of calling him out on his behavior when they spend most of their time surgically attached by the hip, except that would be acknowledging anything they're saying, and that goes against his wilful denial plan. Plan which is working out great, by the way. Kai is super proud of himself for that one. Just like everything else he's ever done. Amazing.

"Alright, knock it off," Hiromi says to the dynamic duo. "Teasing him won't get us anywhere, and there's only so much time Daichi can stall Takao before he gets reckless."

Kai's eyebrow furrows as the realization that he has been one hundred percent set up hits him. "What is this, an intervention?" he mutters, sarcastic.

"Yes!" Max answers. "About your super cute feelings towards Takao!"

Rei has to hide his mouth to stifle his laugh this time. Kai hates. He just. He hates, so much.

"Oooor, more accurately, about what you're going to do about these feelings," Hiromi corrects, annoyance set in her tone. She looks close to losing her temper, which is peculiar, considering Kai is the one being fucked with, here. "Outside of suddenly leaving every time you two are having a moment, I mean."

What the hell that even means, Kai doesn't even pretend to bother to know. Or care about. Now that he knows what this whole thing is, and that they have no plans of their own to divulge his feelings to Takao, he's far more level-headed about this whole situation. "Nothing," he says. At the incredulous looks he receives at that, he adds: "I'm not going to do anything. I don't want to."

The three of them look at him with something like pity on their faces. Kai glares back, indignant. What now?

"You don't have to be scared to tell Takao how you feel," Rei tells him, putting what's obviously meant to be a comforting hand on his shoulder. Kai considers the merits of biting it off. "Even if—and that's a big if!—even if he doesn't feel the same way, I'm sure he'll understand. He'd never let something like that have a negative impact on your relationship."

He says all of this with a tone like experience in his voice. Kai, who a few years ago literally heard him tell Mao that he understood her feelings but loved beyblade more, looks at him with the most scathing expression he can muster. Rei is quick to remove his hand at it.

"I'm not afraid," Kai grounds out. The dubious stares he gets at that are, quite frankly, insulting. "This conversation is over."

He gets up and starts to walk away. Professor, who has stayed silent through this whole affair aside from the sound of typing on his computer, suddenly stops to turn to look at him. "There's nothing to be afraid of," he's quick to start. "You and Takao— that bond you share is real. No one who's ever seen the two of you together could be able to deny it. This would just be a step forward."

Kai doesn't even dignify that with an answer, or spare a look to his friends. He can tell without looking that the expression on their faces would be one of worry.

They don't bring it up again the next time they see him, or any time after that. Kai counts it as a blessing, no matter how many looks are thrown his way. He even forces himself to attempt to control his behavior around Takao, and manages to only walk out on him thrice in a week. He has to admit, he had been previously a bit… erratic about it, but everything is under a normal level of control now. It's fine. It's all fine.

If he smiles too much, if his hands nearly touches Takao's more times than he can tell, if his eyes linger a bit too long as he looks at him— it's fine.

It's fine.

Until it isn't.

It becomes too much one afternoon, at the dojo. A storm had hit suddenly, forcing all of them to take refuge in Takao's home, drenched and bemoaning it with laughter.

Everyone changes into spare clothes they keep there (and, really, this is what Kai means by beyblader hotel) and they pile into the dojo, crowded around a small television in a pile of futons, playing stupid games to pass the time. Kai mostly stays out of it, content to sit back and just appreciate the company. At some point, he must have fallen asleep sitting there, because the next thing he opens his eyes to is Takao posing for the group in what Kai can only assume to be a new outfit. It doesn't look too different from what he normally wears, but he's walking and turning around with a laugh.

"What do you think, guys? How do I look? Rad, or too rad?" he asks, obviously joking. He stops and turns directly towards Kai at the exact same time as the setting sun decides to make its reappearance (the storm, Kai thinks, slowly, must have stopped while he was asleep) and hits him at an angle, making it look like it's shining only on Takao. It feels… appropriate.

"You look great," Kai breathes out, still half-asleep. Then his brain catches up to his mouth and he's suddenly aware of everyone's stare on him. Takao himself is staring at him with his eyebrows far above his eyes and his mouth half open, gawking stupidly. Kai feels his face grow steadily warmer the more time passes.

"Uh… thanks, Kai," Takao settles on after the silence has grown uncomfortably awkward. Kai's heart is beating faster than he thinks he can handle, and he regrets, regrets, regrets— Takao's gawking face is slowly turning into a smile, genuine and wide, and just when he opens his mouth to say something, Kai's case of mouth vomit goes terminal.

"Don't get me wrong," he hears himself say distantly, a phrase he has literally not used in years that makes him want to bash his head against the wall with how obvious he's being, "It's not a compliment. I was just saying that you look fine, for an idiot."

He needs lightning to strike him right at this moment. He needs to be engulfed in flames and disappear from this world. He needs to have gotten his mouth sewn shut twelve minutes ago, before this thing happened. Takao's smile has morphed into a confused and annoyed pout. Kai's blood is rushing in his ears so loudly he almost misses his annoyed comment.

Almost.

"Geesh, way to ruin that. You were almost cute for a second there, too," Takao jokes, sticking his tongue out at Kai.

Kai doesn't answer. He stoically gets up and stalks out of the house. He thinks he hears Takao and the others calling his name, but he doesn't stop or break his stride. He moves further and further away, not even fully aware of where he's going or what he's doing, and by the time he stops, he realizes he's halfway across the city with no shoes on.

He turns abruptly into an alley and collapses against a wall. He leans his head back and looks at the sky, the first few stars out already, which means Kai has been walking for a heck of a long time.

He slowly lets himself sink down to the floor.

This is officially a problem he can't ignore.

The fact of the matter is that Kai never lied when he said he wasn't afraid of his feelings. It's true that he denied friendship with them for so long that it's only natural of them to think this, too, is just another step into his regular denial, but it's not. Kai isn't afraid of rejection, and he isn't afraid of his own feelings. Takao would never reject him out of his life, Kai has learned that long ago. He's also learned, time and again, that his feelings have only ever made him stronger, in battle and in life. He is not afraid for himself at all.

He is terrified of his feelings being reciprocated.

The truth Kai knows is this: he owes so much to Takao, and has nothing to give. Outside of beybattles, there is nothing to Kai. He was made to be a perfect soldier in a flawed belief system and failed even that. He isn't a good friend, and can't even pretend to understand what the hell love even is even as he is thrown into the throes of it. He is selfish and unkind, willing to use and sacrifice whatever stands in his way for what he wants. More than anything else, he has hurt Takao, with or without meaning to, over and over again. Kai is a factory defect, unable to understand affection or show it, born and raised from a man who assured him with a smile that it was in his blood to want power and destroy everything else. And though he has attempted to move away from that, his friendship with Takao has always been give and take. In that Kai wants, and takes, and takes, and— and he cannot take this. He cannot take this of Takao's, even if it were freely offered. Takao deserves more, and better, and everything. He deserves someone who can smile without feeling self-conscious, who would praise him and share with him outside of extreme circumstances, someone who he wouldn't have to constantly drag out of the dark over and over again. And the truth of the matter is, whether he felt the same or not, if he thought it'd help Kai, if Kai asked, he would do this for him in a heartbeat. He would promise him forever, stick with him through thick and thin, and love him no matter how many times Kai left him or hurt him, no matter how many times Kai failed.

The truth of it all is this, simply: the most he can do for Takao, the best he can do for him, is to at least spare him this grievance. Because Takao would stick with him through everything crashing and burning down around them, and Kai can't do that to him.

Sometimes you just have to draw the line.

What he needs is distance.

Kai walks to the apartment he keeps in the city half-expecting it to be rented to someone else; he has no idea how long it's been since he's been there. Still, he's pleasantly surprised to find that his key still works, and none of his things (consisting of a futon, some clothes and a lot of cat food) are missing. Apparently the money he'd given for rent had covered past a few months. That's good. He doesn't know if he'd planned that in advance or if his awareness of money is just that poor, but he'll take it. It's probably a mix of both, anyway. He is relieved to find he has a spare pair of shoes here, too, because his socks are pretty much ruined from the trip across the city.

He has Dranzer and his launcher in his pockets, enough clothes for a while, and a rather large sum of money in a bank account because, attempted world domination or not, Hiwatari Enterprises' money had all been made legally, and Kai is its sole non-jailed heir. The question now is: what he does.

Because as much as he realizes that simply spending time with Takao as if nothing has changed within him simply won't work anymore, he also can't just fly out of the country to live elsewhere for a large amount of time. Kai isn't that selfless. He doesn't think he could handle being that alone anymore. Not forever, at least. Still, there's got to be something he can do that's a middle ground between what the Professor called the inevitable step forward of his relationship with Takao and simply cutting all ties altogether. He just needs to think of what.

He flops down on his futon and stares at the ceiling all night trying to think of a solution, but in the end he comes up blank. The sun rises. Kai stares at the light coming in from his window for a few seconds before settling on putting his shoes on and leaving to feed the cats.

Maybe if he's lucky, they'll have a solution.

Kai is and has never been lucky, of course, so instead he winds up running into Takao with a carton of milk in his hands and stray cats hanging around the boy of his dreams.

Traitors.

"Figured you'd wind up here," Takao starts as an explanation. His grin is wide but unsure, and Kai wishes he could melt where he stands. Insteads, he stares passively at Takao as if willing him to get on with it. "Wanna sit down in the grass and pet the cats with me?"

This is a blatantly unfair tactic, Kai thinks, as his eyes dart from Takao's dumb, hopeful, idiotic, beautiful, stupid stupid stupid face to the kittens and their mother languidly feasting on whatever the hell Takao brought them already. Kai, who prides himself on his willpower and strives to stubbornly uphold his decisions no matter where they might lead him, finds himself walking towards Takao and plopping down next to him. One of the cats decides this is prime time for cuddles, and Kai lets it.

He is so, so weak.

Takao's grin is even brighter now, one hundred percent confidence once again as he sits next to Kai, the tips of his fingers brushing Kai's. Kai's hand twitches but he doesn't move it away, choosing instead to stare at the distance between them intently. A step forward, he thinks, numbly, and he suddenly realizes with a start what he has to do. He closes his eyes with a sigh as Takao begins to talk.

"Yesterday was a bit weird," he says, and Kai continues to listen with his eyes closed, as if not looking into that face will help with what he has to do next. "I don't really wanna ask about it, though. I wanted to talk to you about something else."

He pauses there, as if willing Kai to be prompted into continuing the conversation. Kai doesn't say anything. He doesn't think he can, right now. So after a few seconds, Takao plows on:

"There's been this… thing, between us," at this, his hand, which had lain so still next to Kai's, is suddenly on top of it. Kai feels ill. "I didn't know what it was for sure, but then I felt it, for real…"

His hand squeezes Kai's. Kai's remains still and limp. He opens his eyes again and stares straight into the barely risen sun.

"I like you, Kai," Takao confesses, mouth forming clumsily across the words. He laughs a bit afterwards, nervous. "I just… I wanna be with you. Even when you're not cute."

That last one is meant as a jab, of course, slight ribbing to lighten the air. Kai, finally, slowly, excruciatingly, turns to look Takao in the eyes. His face is earnest and hopeful, his eyes brimming with an emotion Kai no longer wants to name. He brings his free hand to cup Takao's face, slowly bringing their foreheads together. The moment lasts maybe a second before he removes his hand from Takao's grasp and moves away. He is still looking into Takao's eyes when he tells him:

"I don't," soft, simple, and then, because the very least he owes Takao is the truth: "I can't."

He watches confusion and hurt fill those eyes and gets up, slow.

"I can be friends with you," Kai hears himself says, as if through a filter, "but I can't be with you. Not like that."

"Why not?" Takao asks, scrambling to get up too. "Don't you—I know you like me. I know you've felt the same thing as I did, when we're fighting—I know I make you happy, and you make me happy, and—"

"You've been rejected, Kinomiya," Kai cuts, his voice harsh and brittle to his own ears. He can't listen to Takao wax poetic about this. He just can't. "Accept it and move on. I never had any intention of ever being with you."

"But I—"

"I'll see you tomorrow."

And with that, Kai turns around and walks away. Again.

It's for the best. It's for the best. It's for the best. It's for the best.

No matter how many times he tells himself that, he still doesn't feel any relief. Still, when he thinks about what Takao was saying, he knows he did the right thing.

"You make me happy".

What a joke.

He's woken up from sleep the next day by Takao bursting into his apartment, actually breaking his door down in the process.

At least he waited until the tomorrow part, Kai thinks, before promptly being sat on.

"Alright, so, you're gonna stay here, and you're going to listen and not say a word while I talk, and then, then, if you still feel the same, you can reject me again, and I'll never mention it ever again. But first, you gotta give me this, man." Takao says, matter-of-fact, as if he isn't currently crushing Kai's ribs and sitting on his lungs. Kai hasn't eaten in about two days and slept a grand total of 2 hours in the last forty eight, so his capacity to remove Takao is very much zero. He wheezes out an affirmation, certain that nothing Takao can say will change his mind.

He realizes belatedly that he's been wrong every single time he's thought that.

"I think you're great," Takao starts, and Kai is already squirming and uncomfortable, so why does he feel the need to add to it? "I've always thought you were great, even when you were a jerk who ran a beyblade street gang and trashed other people's beys because you thought they were weak. You were strong, and you were smart, and, well, sometimes, I get a little stupid when I see people who are that tough in battle."

Kai is not allowed to speak, but he hopes his face is volumes enough to explain how far-off the mark "a little stupid" is. Takao thwaps him on the head.

"Shuuuuut up. Anyway. After that, when we became a team for real, you always seemed like some kind of— well, still a jerk, but also some kind of hero, really. You'd swoop in with the right answer in battle, or show up whenever we were in trouble, and you were just the strongest out of all of us. You still do all that stuff, by the way."

Kai is going to vomit. He really is. He is going to puke all over his futon and he doesn't think those fit in the washing machine.

"And then when we were in Russia, and you left us, I was devastated. I thought I was used to people leaving me, but when you did it, it was like—it felt worse. Because I thought we'd really meant something to you, at some point, and it looked like we didn't, and in the end, you were a completely different person than we thought. It was horrible. Still, when you invited us out on that lake, I was so psyched. I thought, maybe you wanted us back. I was totally willing to forget everything, whether you said sorry or not, so long as you came back. … Hey, hey, look at me. Looooook at me."

Kai does, reluctant. He'd started staring at the floor sometime during this description, all the more aware of just how much he'd done the right thing by rejecting Takao in the first place, if that had been what he felt when they were children. Takao doesn't look sad right now though, just wryly amused.

"That's on me, alright? That's who I am. I want people to want me, more than anything else. And that's cool now, but man, it got hard this year. I'm skipping ahead though. When you were on that ice, and you thought I wouldn't save you— that I wouldn't even try— that scared me. Then, later, when you were describing the Borg and what they did to you—who did it to you—I felt so angry, and scared, and hurt. I'd never felt like that for another person. But you were fine. You wanted to help us, and you fought for us, and even when that man tried to change you again, you still went with us. That meant so much to me. That really— that really inspired me."

"Stop," Kai says, unable to stay quiet any longer. "You're not—"

Takao moves from sitting on him to literally lying down, putting a hand over Kai's mouth as he does, staring straight into his eyes from about an inch away. Kai's face is flushed again, awkwardly, and he's not sure if it's from the proximity or from what Takao has been saying.

"I am not done talking, and we had an agreement, soooo. Shuuuut uuuuup. But fine, since you want me to wrap it up: this year? This year has been really hard for me. Having all of you guys leave because you wanted to fight me, my brother coming back, the pressure I had to be worth what you guys thought of me… Then this whole BEGA stuff, and— I saw you live, when you fought Brooklyn the first time. I dunno if I ever told you that. They cut away after you lost, and I just wanted to know if you were okay. And then when we had to pick a fifth for the team, I didn't pick one at all. I just waited because I knew that if you were, you'd come back to us. You'd come back to me. And you did, and you made me promise not to stop you, and I was so worried— but you won! You won, and I know how much it cost you, but …I... "

Takao is the one who stops himself there, taking a deep breath. His face is starting to flush and he hides it in Kai's chest. Kai pointedly looks to the ceiling.

"What I've been trying to say," Takao mumbles into Kai's chest, "is that I know you better than you think. I know you better than you know you. Kai, you amaze me. You're strong, and you're breathtaking, and you're stubborn and you never know what to do with affection, and you've been inspiring me since the moment I met you. I know you mess up sometimes, but so do I. I don't care. I know your flaws, alright? And yeah, maybe I don't know where this'll end up, and maybe I'm stupid for rushing headfirst into things all the time, even something like this, but I want to take this path. I— I wanna take this step forward with you, if you'll let me. That's all I wanted to say."

Takao removes his hand from Kai's mouth, a tactile permission for him to speak, but he stays there, on top of him, unmoving.

Kai's first, visceral thought is that Takao is wrong, he's got him pegged all wrong— because he's just described what Kai feels for him. Strong, and amazing, and inspiring.

'You make me happy,' he'd said, yesterday, and Kai had thought "so do you" without thinking about it.

"I'm in love with you," Kai says, rather stupidly, to the ceiling. Takao lifts his head up from his chest with wide eyes. Kai thinks he can definitely hear the stammering of his heart even now. "I think I've been in love with you since you took my hand that day on the ice."

"...What are you saying, exactly—"

"I don't know how to love anyone," Kai continues on. "I didn't love my grandfather, and I certainly never loved anyone at Borg, either. Everything good I am comes from meeting you. If it hadn't been for that, I would still… I'd still…"

He lets that trail off, taking a deep breath. Takao is still staring at him, expectantly.

"If I…" He starts, then trails off again. He has an answer, he thinks. "I don't know how to love anyone, but I think I could learn, with you."

Takao's smile is brilliant, and fond, and— loving. Kai swallows, hard, before he finds himself smiling back, small and fond and... loving, too, he hopes. Takao leans in and kisses him, soft and quick, and Kai is too surprised to react. Takao's face is flushed and his smile is— stupid. Stupid, and wider than ever.

"Let's move forward, then."

...

If I could begin to be

Half of what you think of me

I could do just about anything

I could even learn how to love

When I see, the way you act

Wondering when I'm coming back

I could do just about anything

I could even learn how to love like you

...

Some notes: a lot of this fic is in reference to the magnificent thing that is the sub of Beyblade s1. Y'all should check out the beysubs tag on tumblr because it is literally the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Some of it might not make sense with regards to the dubbed version, comparatively. The song at the end, meanwhile, is from Steven Universe's season 2 credits, because it was baaaasically the inspiration for this. The style is weird and Kai and Takao's voice is kind of weird because... [SHRUG EMOJI]. It was a weird accidental stylistic choice, man.

will i ever update the hs au? who knows! this isn't about that shh enjoy this gay. look at this gay. touch the gay. aaaand pretend I don't write a tyka get together fic every single day of my life.

Hope you enjoyed it!

-Zia