Based on Tanglefoot's song "The Whiskey Trick". The lyrics are now included. There are, of course, mentions of whiskey in the song.
We've been workin' all week and the boys need a drink
A couple quarts of whiskey we'd be in the pink
But we got no money and there's nothin' to sell
And a lumberjack's credit is worthless
"No!" Will exclaimed, sounding thoroughly distressed.
"What? What is it?" Gilan asked, rushing over to where Will was unpacking their supplies so he could make breakfast for the two of them.
Gilan and Will were on their way to a neighboring Fief, where the Baron was having some trouble with some especially pesky bandits.
"The coffee..." Will said almost shakily, "It's... gone." They had packed enough supplies for the three day trip to the Fief, at least, that's what Gilan had thought... but by the very nearly empty bag of coffee grounds, he had thought wrong. Whoever had packed the provisions clearly had not paid enough attention to the coffee. But Gilan couldn't think about that now, he needed to think of a way to get more coffee.
Three long months we've been cuttin' down the pine
But we won't get our money for six weeks' time
"Tonight there's no whiskey," says young Willie Klein
"And we got no money to spend"
"I guess we'll have to buy more. There is a town nearby," Gilan replied, waving his hand to indicate the town they had camped right outside of. Will mumbled something, looking at his hands. "Huh? What did you say?"
Will looked up, "I said 'We don't have any money,' not unless they accept a Ranger's word to come back and pay."
"How do we not have any money?" Gilan exclaimed, exasperated with the whole situation.
"Well..." He started, unsure, "I only really brought enough for a night or two, on the way there and back, and yesterday's lodgings were more expensive than I anticipated. So... not enough money for coffee."
"Than we'll just buy coffee and camp on the way back!" Gilan said, rather desperate to get some coffee now.
Will sighed, "Gilan, you know you're, in all honesty, going to want to stay a night in an inn after tracking and dealing with bandits, and for who-knows-how-long. And it would be just our luck for it to rain on the trip back, and us having no money to pay for a room."
Gilan sighed, acknowledging Will's point. "Fine, then what are we going to do?" The other shrugged, but didn't answer the question. Gilan frowned and looked at his shoes, concentrating.
I says "Fetch me and a lesson you'll learn
How a clever lumberjack keeps the money that he earns
Old Keller taught me this, now I'll teach you in turn
We're off to McCafferty's bar"
Suddenly he looked up and Will saw a mischievous light in his eyes. Gilan smirked and said, "Have I ever told you of the trick Halt and I pulled off, when I was still his apprentice?"
They entered the town on foot, only carrying a small kettle, without their cloaks to distinguish them as Rangers. As a matter of fact, there was nothing to lead you to believe they were anyone special or important—an observer would never have guessed that they were King's Rangers.
Into the bar with young Willie in tow
The kettle in hand to McCafferty I go
We'll be needing some whiskey for the boys don't you know
Three quarts in the kettle if you please"
They entered the tavern and went up to the keeper. Gilan set the kettle on the counter and said, "Three quarts of coffee in the kettle, if you please. Much obliged."
McCafferty pours us three quarts neat
Then I tell him we'll come back and pay him in a week
The barman gave them a strange look, but did as asked. Once filled, he handed it back to them. "We'll be back and pay you in a week," Gilan said, fighting off a grin.
Says he "Stupid lumberjack you got some cheek"
And he pours his three quarts back
The tavern keeper's face gets red with outrage and he grabs the kettle back. "Eh, you stupid traveler, you got some cheek!" With that he pours the three quarts back. Gilan and Will walk out of the tavern making a good show of looking defeated. Will and he share a grin once in the street.
Do you think a lumberjack is no brain and all brawn?
Are you thinkin' that the drink we'd got was all gone?
Well we had two quarts of water in the kettle all along
And what's left is three-fifths whiskey
Now, you're probably thinking that Rangers aren't that smart, right? That the they had coffee, now they don't. Well... they had two quarts of water in the kettle all along, and what's left is three-fifths coffee!
Gilan and Will walked back to camp, laughing and joking; now looking forward to taking care of the bandits. Not all of their problems were solved, but with the coffee one resolved, it made the others seem easier to face.
We'll drink even when there's no money about
For a sly lumberjack gets his whiskey without