I'm not dead!

...Just...had writer's block and was busy for a while. Hopefully, though, this makes up for it. It probably won't, though because it's not another chapter of MistTale, but maybe this'll help me get passed the writer's block I've been having.

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers, which will show up later, and I don't own South Park.

I sighed as I finished putting the last of my clothing in the closet. My family had just moved to the town of South Park, and I didn't really want to decorate a new room yet again. We had already moved five times in as many years, and it was really starting to get on my nerves. Would we ever actually stay in one place?

"Hey, my sweet little spark!" Dad said happily, making me jump as he entered my room. His smile dropped, however, when he saw the sadness on my face. "Look, kiddo, I know you aren't happy about moving again." His hand flew up to start messing with his bright red hair. He was nervous. "You have to understand, though, that it's for the best. Do you trust me?"

Hesitantly, I nodded, my dark blue hair briefly falling into my eyes. While I didn't really get why we had to keep moving, my father probably knew something that he wasn't willing to tell me. There HAD to be a reason.

Dad sighed before forcing a smile on his face. "Your mother made some candy. Do you wanna raid the kitchen before you start exploring the town?"

A grin threatened to split my face. Mom's homemade candy was always amazing, so, naturally, Dad and I tended to...try to find and eat it all. Of course, Mom would always yet at us afterwards, but it was always worth it.

After hastily scooping me up, Dad charged out of my room and down the stairs, holding his arm up in the symbol for 'charge'. "FOR CANDY!" he yelled as he ran all the way through the living room and into the kitchen, me a giggling mess.

Mom, from her place on the couch, looked up from the book she was reading, her eyes wide. "Samuel, don't you dare!"

One lecture from Mom later about how eating too much candy was bad for you, I was sent out of the house with the prompt of going to find new friends. A frown firmly set on my face, I began walking to the right...only to see a sign that blocked the entirety of the sidewalk. I rolled my eyes and began walking in the other direction. Strangely enough, there were two boys, one wearing bright blue armor and a cape, the other wearing elven-esque clothing, fighting in the middle of the sidewalk.

"I banish thee to the forest realm!" the boy in blue yelled, thrusting his hammer towards the elf.

The elf frowned. "No way, I banished you first!" He swung at the boy in blue, his frown morphing into a grin. He laughed. "You can't hold out much longer!"

A look of fear crossed blue boy's face. "Help! Somebody! I can't hold out much longer!" The elf jumped on top of blue boy and began wailing on the him. "Help!"

Okay, that seemed a bit overkill. I walked forward and slugged the elf in the face. He immediately got off the poor kid, glaring at me. "Hey, no fair! That's cheating! I'm gonna tell my mom!"

I raised an eyebrow as he ran away.

"Hey, thanks kid." I looked at blue boy, who was addressing me and no longer panicking. "I didn't realize he had a health potion. M-my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you! We should be friends!"

I grinned and nodded, pulling my phone out from my back pocket, opening up Facebook, and friending him.

"Now that we're friends..." Butters started, making me frown. Always a catch. "...you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!" Butters walked down the sidewalk a bit, pointing down the road. "The wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there." Sure enough, there was a green house in the distance. Without a word of prompting on my part, Butters began leading the way, trying to strike up a conversation along the way.

When we finally reached the green house, Butters walked up to the front door and knocked on it. Immediately, it opened to reveal a very fat kid wearing a pink bathrobe and a blue, pointed hat. Butters held up his arms, facing the street and yelling, "All hail the Grand Wizard!"

Does he mean grand like big?

The Grand Wizard looked at me and smiled slightly. "So, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom."

The wizard and Butters began walking into the house, Butters gesturing for me to follow. I obliged to see that the living room looked fairly normal, with a brunette woman sitting on the couch, using her phone. "Oh, who's your new friend, Eric?"

I grinned, happy to know the wizard's name. Eric, without hesitating, said, "Shut up mom, not now." When I tried to go up to her to say hello, Eric frowned. "Don't talk to her, she's not part of the game." Shrugging, I continued following Eric and Butters.

I followed Eric out to his back porch. Once I was outside, he immediately spread his arms wide and announced, "Welcome, to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"

It was literally a tent surrounded by cardboard towers, with a roped in area and a table covered in random junk.

Naturally, Eric decided to go over to the table first, which had a large sign on the front labeled 'Armory'. "Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level fourteen warrior." Eric waltzed over to the roped area. "Here you can see our massive stables, overseen by the level 9 rangers, Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes."

I raised an eyebrow. The power of diabetes? Really?

Eric then walked to the front of the tent, where a kid in a heavy winter jacket and dress was waiting. "And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny, the fairest maiden in all the kingdom." Leaning forward, Eric whispered, "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it just how he seems to be rolling right now."

Well, if Kenny was a princess, didn't that mean that he'd like a flower? Glancing around, I spotted a single daffodil growing amidst the snow. I picked it, bringing it over to the 'maiden' Despite how his hood muffled his voice, I managed to pick out what Kenny said in response. "You got that for me? You shouldn't have."

Eric cleared his throat, calling my attention to him. "You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom."

I stared at him. Was he serious?

"I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first, please tell us thy name."

I pulled a small notebook and a pencil out of my hoodie pocket, writing down my name. I held it up for Eric to see, but he ignored it. "You said 'Douchebag'. Is that correct?" I shook my head, pointing at my notebook. "Are you sure you want to keep the name..." Eric grinned over at Butters, "'Douchebag'?" I shook my head again. "Very well, Douchebag! You will now choose a class: fighter, mage, thief, or jew."

I thought for a moment before writing thief under my name in the notebook. Eric nodded. "We welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Thief!"

"Hurray!" Butters yelled.

Rolling his eyes at the other two, Kenny walked into the tent.

"Now, please go and visit the weapons shop," Eric said as though he hadn't been interrupted. "Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight."

Kenny exited the tent, a bundle of clothing in his arms. He handed it to me, saying, "You can go change in the Cartman's bathroom."

I nodded, flashing him a grateful smile. I dashed up to the bathroom, quickly put on my thief outfit, and made my way back to the backyard. Before heading back outside, I waved hello to Eric's mother.

Once I got outside, I went to speak with Clyde. I quickly bought the Rogue's Dagger and equipped it.

Naturally, Eric had to walked over and start talking again. "Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon and, with the bravery of a noble knight...beat up Clyde."

"What?" Clyde said exactly what I was thinking.

Eric took a step back. "Kick Clyde's ass, New Kid."

"What'd I do?"

"I'm the King, Clyde, and the king wishes to be amused!" Eric said irritatingly. "Go on, New Kid, kick his ass."

Clyde got into a ready position, shouting, "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Clyde, you have to wait your turn."

Said warrior glared at Eric. "That's lame."

"No, Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, Clyde, but that's how we're fucking doing it!" Eric glanced over at me. "All right, Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy!"

Holding up my dagger, I charged at Clyde and struck him several times with it.

"Oh hell yeah! Clyde's your bitch!" Eric praised. "All right, Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can."

Mouthing an apology, I did so.

"Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that. Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is not to get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls!"

I chuckled. Can't protect what you don't have. Nevertheless, I blocked Clyde's attack.

"Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Dude, you're already way better at this than Clyde! All right, it's time to use your heroic powers. Using your abilities takes power points, or PP for short."

Clyde chuckled. "PP..."

Eric exploded. "IF YOU HAVE A BETTER FUCKING NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING, AND I SAY IT'S PP!" He took a breath before looking back at me. "Douchebag, use your thief ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!"

I frowned, disliking Eric more and more, but complying. I vanished into the shadows, pulled out a small, metal dagger, and stabbed Clyde in the back with it.

"Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Douchebag! Now, do it one more time! Finish him!"

Clyde's eyes widened. "What? I was going easy! Take this!"

He swung at me again, but I easily blocked. When he got back to his spot, blood spurted from his wounds.

I stabbed him again with the same ability, finishing him off and prompting Eric to start laughing. Knowing that the fight was over, I ran over to Clyde to help him to his feet. Miraculously, his wounds healed, as if he had never been in a fight to the death in the first place. "I'm okay, New Kid."

I nodded, then realized Eric had walked into the tent and was waiting for me to follow. Sighing, I followed him.

"Well, here it is!" the wizard said as I entered the tent. "The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die...the Stick of Truth."

It was a stick resting on a red velvet pillow. Was Eric kidding?

Not knowing how unimpressed I was, he continued. "Just two days ago, we took back the Stick from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick...controls the universe."

Okay, either he was really an idiot, or they were taking their game too far.

"Don't gaze at it too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" Eric turned away from the stick, putting his hand on my back. "Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible..."

"ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!" Butter's voice rang out from outside.

"Someone has sounded the alarm!" Eric announced as if he thought I was an idiot.

Butters ran into the tent, a look of sheer panic on his face. "Alarm, alarm, alarm!"

"What is it?"

"The elves are attacking!"

Eric began freaking out as well. "Oh my god! Defensive positions!" Both Eric and Butters ran from the tent. I walked after them, confused. When I got outside, the yard was in chaos. "Man the gate! Don't let them through!"

A group of elves stood menacingly on the other side of the backyard's gate. The lead elf yelled, "Give us the Stick, humans!"

"Fuck you, drow elf!" Eric yelled back. "Come and get it! Clyde, guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!"

"Aye, aye!"

"'Aye, aye'? We're not playing pirates, Clyde!" Eric shook his head, looking me in the eyes. "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. Hold off the asshole elves at all costs!"

Seeing Butters wasn't fighting back in his two versus one fight, I sprung in to help. As soon as I jumped in, an elf shot at me.

"You're wounded, Douchebag! Potions will heal you!" Eric threw a bag my way. "Here!" I stared at him, then at the bag, then at him again. "Eat it, Douchebag!"

Shaking my head, I dropped it on the ground. I had a diet that I had to abide by. The one time I had tried food that my parents hadn't approved of for me, I had ended up sick for a week, so I wasn't willing to repeat the experience.

Eric rolled his eyes. "Fine, stay injured! See if I care!"

Ignoring Eric, the melee elf charged at me and swing a few times, with me blocking each attack. Once I had finished blocking, he fell to his knees, almost as though waiting for something to happen.

"Okay, if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack. Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. Kick the shit out of him!"

I rolled my eyes, mouthed an apology at the elf, and hit him with my blade.

"Awesome! You kicked his helpless ass!"

I frowned again, resolving to ignore the wizard. A quick backstab took out the archer before he could do anymore damage. Roaring in anger, the melee elf charged at me only to receive a counterattack for his attempt. I then power attacked his face, sending him to the ground.

Once the battle was over, I helped the elves to their feet, earning a "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" from Eric. The elves glared at me, turning out their pockets and handing me a bunch of junk.

What?

Seeing Scott was under attack as well, I charged over to help him. I easily took out the elves, Eric shrieking in the background that I wasn't listening to him. Once Scott was saved, I helped the elves up and ran back to protect the 'horse' (aka the cat). One of the cat's attackers pulled out a shield, which I quickly mowed down with my dagger. Once the protector was down, I power attacked the second guy a few times to hit through his armor. Once they were both down, I heard a yell of "Drow elves! Fall back! Fall back I say!"

I grinned as I watched the elves flee, although I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed that they weren't more of a challenge.

Eric, however, held no such feelings. "Yes! Awesome, dude! Take that, you asshole elves! Better luck next time!" He began doing a victory dance. "Na na na na na, na! We still control the universe! Ha ha ha ha ha, ha!"

Clyde walked up, a solemn look on his face. "It's gone."

"What?" Eric said, stopping his dance.

"The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."

Eric stared forward for a second before turning and yelling at Clyde. "THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH! Clyde, you are hereby banished from space and time!"

"What?" Clyde said, shocked. "No! You can't do that!"

"Yeah, I can! You're banished, and lost in time and space!"

"Yeah! Go home Clyde!" Butters chipped in.

Seething, Clyde stormed away. Ignoring him, Eric began talking at me again, but I ignored him. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. I looked and saw pictures of three kids showing up in a message from Eric. He wanted me to find them?

"Butters, go with him!"

...okay then. That happened.

So...yeah. First chapter. Literally the tutorial for Stick of Truth. There'll be more Transformers aspects as the story progresses, but there wasn't really much I could work into the first chapter. Please review!