Over the past year or so, I've learned that living on a big-ass meteor can get really fucking boring. I've tried to entertain myself but drawing shitty comics and role-playing detectives with alien chicks can only get you so far. As it turned out, wandering around the hurdling paradox-space rock looking for something to do ended up being my primary form of recreation. Going through portals, running down corridors, looking through the trolls' stupid-ass chests finding a bunch of sweet stolen loot. Straight excavating that shit like I'm Wind-bag Jones himself, here to bring extra-terrestrial artifacts back to big-bellied pompous billionaire assholes giving me tons of cash for this fuckin', gross, crab-claw sickle thing…
What the fuck is this? Is this one of the "ultimate weapons" from the trolls' session Karkat won't shut up about? Talk about a wind-bag. It looks like someone cut off one of his monster-dad's arms and ran it through a deep-fryer at a KFC. I tuck it away in my sylladex anyways in case I wanted to make something actually cool with it.
That's another way I've been fighting away boredom in this void-lab. Out of all the crap Sburb has put me and friends through, the Alchemiter has definitely been a mechanic designed to make me forgive the game for killing me like, three fucking times. I've made so much awesome shit it would make Egbert piss his pants if he wasn't stuck in like, some unfathomable boat dimension with Jade and Davesprite and a bunch of annoying lizards or whatever.
Shit, I'm sure they'd also be down with wetting their trousers if they saw my cool duds: The Dragon Out of Time shirt me and Terezi made with her lizard plush and my broken record shirt (not better than my Knight robe, though), or Rocketfwlch, the sweet-ass flaming piece of shit we got from my broken legendary quest sword. Actually, I should find her and combine this crabdad-sickle with her dragon puppet to make some pokey deep-fried crab plush and give it to Karkat as a symbol of his weird-ass hate-crush on Terezi. That would send him fuck-ways into screaming piss-douche alley.
On second thought, never mind, that would just make everyone uncomfortable. I take out the KFC Communism Sword Thing and chuck it off the closest ledge I can find. Okay, disgustingly, all these thoughts of pee have connected memories to memories and now I'm really craving some apple juice. I have not had any AJ since I entered the game like a million years ago. Wandering around the meteor some more I come across a small room with a table and a fridge. I rush over like a baby finding a bottle of non-infant-proofed pills on the floor, and excitedly open the door and-
Oh shit, swords!
I think my youth-rolls are a little out of practice. Expecting a flurry of sharp objects to come raining down on me, I try to flash-step out of the way and trip right over my stupid fucking cape. I did about three or four twirling flips in the air before landing squarely on my back, almost knocking the air out of me. Thankfully, my shades remain on my face and undamaged. There is, of course, nothing but gross troll food and something resembling milk in the fridge.
Suddenly, I hear a sarcastic gasp followed by a hearty clapping, "D4V3! TH4T W4S SO GR4C3FUL! C4N YOU T34CH M3 HOW TO B3 SUCH A S1LLY DOOFUS 4LL TH3 T1M3, TOO?"
Great, this is so embarrassing. How do you explain to an extra-terrestrial goblin that you're trained to believe that what should hold food and drinks are actually all filled with dangerous weapons? I decide not to, "oh, this isn't me being a fucking idiot as it might seem, Terezi, I was performing a ritual."
"G4SP! 4 HUM4N R1TU4L?"
"yes, to honor the human gods of trick flips and righteousness it's customary to flip the fuck out and shatter your spine before preparing a meal."
"R34LLY? BUT D4V3, 1 N3V3R SAW YOU P3RFORMING TH1S R1TU4L WH3N W3 OBS3RV3D YOU B4CK ON 34RTH. 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU'R3 NOT JUST PULL1NG MY HORNS, D4V3? : ["
"that is slander in the highest degree. you don't just go around accusing your fellow man of not honoring the gods of righteousness. that can get someone killed. jegus, terezi, have some tact."
"D4V3, YOU H4V3 NO FUCK1NG CLU3 HOW SORRY I 4M."
"it's cool."
"D4V3?"
"yeah?"
"C4N 1 P4RT1C1P4T3 1N YOUR GODS OF FL1P R1TU4L?"
"fuck yeah knock yourself out." She didn't hesitate before copying my actions almost perfectly, pretending to open the fridge door and then flying off the ground like an Olympian going for gold. She did three perfect flips before landing right next to me cackling her face off. For a blind girl, she's very aware of every way I embarrassed myself just now.
We laid there for a while as Terezi giggled until she was interrupted by a new pair of giggling voices. Rose walked in hanging on Kanaya's arm and saw us lying on the ground like a couple of rumpus assholes.
"My oh my, what do we have here?" Rose queried, "queried" being the tone of voice pretentious, flighty broads use when asking questions.
"I Believe These Are Our Compatriots Sprawling Out On The Floor Like A Couple Of 'Rumpus Assholes' As Karkat Would Say" Kanaya answered, fucking nailing it.
"1T'S D4V3'S HUM4N R1TU4L, W3 N33D TO FL1P TH3 FUCK OUT 1N ORD3R TO PL34S3 TH3 HUM4N 3LD3R GODS OF S1LLYN3SS OR SOM3TH1NG."
"Is This True Rose? I Do Not Remember You Participating In Any Flipping Ritual When We Observed You Before"
Rose apparently wanted to play along, "Ah, yes, I remember many a day when I would honor Coolacles Douchington, Greek god of being totally sick. We would gather the neighbors into our home and all pirouette into the ground and feel his righteous power pour into our veins."
"Would It Be Culturally Insensitive Of Me Not To Join In On The Event?"
"As representative of all humans ever to exist anywhere, I would consider it a most grave offense and would certainly never talk to you again." Rose replied with a heavy look in her eye before launching herself backwards across the room and landing across from me elegantly as if she were flying. Shit, we can fly can't we. Why the fuck didn't I fly?
"Oh I Certainly Would Not Want That," Kanaya said as she laid down next to her without a parade of theatrics. "How Long Does This Human Ritual Take To Perform?"
"WHY K4N4Y4? H4V3 SOM3WH3R3 TO B3?"
"I Suppose Not" We lay there quietly again for a while and I'm beginning to wonder the exact same thing Kanaya was asking. Is this bit gonna go on the rest of whatever we're considering "the day" to mean? Just because I had some weird freak-out reaction at opening a fridge? My thoughts get interrupted by some distant shouting.
"NOW JUST WHERE THE FUCK DID EVERYONE GET OFF TO? AM I GOING TO HAVE TO RAISE MY ALREADY INCREDIBLY TIRED VOICE TO A VOLUME ONLY THE MOST UNTAMED AND RABIES-INFESTED CANINES COULD HEAR JUST TO REPRIMAND YOU MISERABLE LOW-LIFES?"
"holy hell shut the fuck up" I said as the shouting got louder and louder until Karkat was standing at the entryway, hardly registering our positions as he went into another rant.
"OH, THERE YOU ARE. AS WHATEVER THE TERM MEANS ANYMORE AND IF IT EVER MEANT ANYTHING IN THE FIRST GODDAMN PLACE, YOUR LEADER IS HEREBY BANNING TOSSING DANGEROUS WEAPONS INTO WHO-THE-FUCK-KNOWS-WHERE FOR ANY CONCEIVABLE IDIOTIC REASON SOMEONE WOULD DO THAT. FOR THE SAFETY OF EVERYONE ON HERE AS WELL AS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT SAFETY OF MY FIRMLY DRUBBED THINK-PAN. WHOEVER BELIEVED THAT TO BE A GOOD IDEA, I WANT THEM TO KNOW I AM NOT MAD, BUT INFURIATED AT THEIR VAST INCOMPETENCE. I WANT THEM TO KNOW—WAIT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
Looking at him now I realize he's holding the KFC sickle and rubbing the back of his head. Apparently, Coolacles Douchington found favor in my throw earlier tonight. "W3'R3 HONOR1NG HUM4N GODS, K4RK4T, L4Y DOWN 4ND JO1N US!" : ]
"I WOULD RATHER BE FORCE-FED THE SCREAMS OF EVERYONE WHOEVER FELT HORROR BY FEFERI'S DEAD LUSUS."
"COM3 ON 1T'S FUN."
"WHY WOULD I WANT TO? I ASK YOU, AS SOMEONE WHO IS ALREADY PUTTING UP WITH THE CONSTANT RELIGIOUS RAMBLINGS OF A ONCE-MURDEROUS CLOWN MOIRAIL, WHY WOULD I WANT TO ADD THE WORSHIP OF THE HUMAN DEITY OF LYING ON THE DIRTY FLOOR TO MY BUSY SCHEDULE?"
"Karkat Sit Down. We Are All Honoring Human Culture And So Will You" Kanaya said in a surprisingly firm voice. Even more surprisingly, Karkat complied, mumbling angrily to himself as he joined all four of us on the ground. Together we lay there, on the ground, in a circle, the pentagram of stupidity completed. One after the other, we began to fall asleep, Rose first, then Terezi, Kanaya, and finally Karkat, still murmuring something unintelligible. I was the only one still awake, listening to all them breathe and snore loudly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a pair of white eyes surveying us all. Another visitor to hop in the idiot pile?
It was the Mayor. I love this little guy. He walked in on his tip toes, stumbling around the bodies of incapacitated teenagers to the fridge, before picking up what I thought was milk and downing it all in one gulp. It had a clunkier sound than milk as it went down. Whatever it was I'm glad he took it out of our lives forever, hopefully. He left the room and returned moments later with a large blanket. I have no idea he might've gotten it, but he gently threw it over us in one thoughtful swoop before going around and bringing it up to our shoulders, then snuggling in right beside me.
An odd feeling stirred inside me, not of boredom, but something I couldn't identify. Before falling asleep, a single thought rang through my head:
Is anyone going to close the fucking fridge?