Life

by Mkatsi

Spike saves Xander from what he thinks is a vampire attack, but in reality is a normal mugging gone awry. Xander must try and help save Spike in the aftermath of murder and the consequences the chip gives out. Spike/Xanderish mention of Spike/Angel *Edited* This will never be finished, it was started nearly 7 years ago by little teenage me, nor will I be editing mistakes

Life

Author: Mkatsi

Rating: PG, some disturbing images, self harm.

Pairings: Semi Spike/Xander, mentions Spike/Angel.

Feedback: Yes Please

Disclaimer: The boy's aint mine.

Distribution: Please ask and let me know where it's going.

Written: near 6 years ago at least :S eep!

Summary: Spike kills a human by accident and Xander helps him deal with the consequences, which turn out to be far worse than mere pain.

This was my first real fic almost 6 years ago now and has never been beta'd, feedback much appreciated.

Life sucks

The thought ran over and over in Spike's mind, Unlife sucks he couldn't help it, he was cold and wet and sober and it was horrible, he hadn't had a good meal in weeks, usually preferring whisky to the lame excuse for blood the butchers sold, it just wasn't right, pigs blood, it didn't work the same some how, sure it kept him alive but it didn't make him feel alive. Since the initiative stuck this chip in his brain he couldn't fight humans anyway, which was the only other thing that made him feel anything. Sure he'd love to get away from it all, leave old SunnyD for good, but he couldn't, where else would he get his violence fix from pummelling demons? Where else could he get regular instalments of blood without any awkward questions? Where else could he live in a crypt with no police turfing him out and even get free cable? And where the hell else would he be able to survive in, in anyway at all? Without all that other stuff he was still himself and as such needed the cause, the action something to do to stop his fingers itching, and if he was really honest with himself he needed the company, sure the Scooby gang tended to hate him but they put up with him, could be nice, and even if he was just slinging insults back and forth it kept him going made him remember that he was there, wasn't a waif or a figment of his own imagination, cos' hell the people in Sunnyhell tried really hard to pretend he didn't exist and the demon world just wished he didn't. The scoobies were all he had, and dear Gods, that was depressing.

So he was now walking through back alleys of the hellmouth in the rain trying to catch a cold, he knew, biologically it was impossible really, but he still wanted to try, just to feel something else than this power trapped inside a helpless body, that would be nice.

A noise brought Spike out of his day..er..night-dream and he put all systems on alert, he ran, there was a large scuffle going on somewhere up ahead and at this time of night, he knew he was looking for some demon action, a wall came into view and he swore, whatever was happening was happening on the other side, he picked up his pace and hit the wall at full tilt, launching himself up it and landing in a neat crouch at the top, he could see everything now, five vamps were surrounding someone, a male, brunette, Xander he realised So the whelp got himself into more trouble did he?

Spike smirked, still crouching on the wall, one hand gripping the brick between his knees, ready to launch, his duster whipped around him with the dying rain, and his hair glowed white with moonlight, he laughed sardonically, for a moment all the vampires, and Xander stopped their assaults and turned startled to face him

"Well, well, what have we here?" He drawled sarcastically

"Captured a meal for yourselves have you boys, I should let you know its more traditional to go for a young virgin, and preferably female, whatever floats your boat I guess, its just I'm not entirely sure the whelp there swings that way, then again maybe I should just…"

With this Spike leapt from this wall, propelling himself with his hand, and landed between two of the vamps, with lightning speed he brought an elbow into the fledging behind him who doubled, he then used fist of the same arm to swing hard into the ring leaders face knocking him to the ground and standing over him grabbed a handful of cheap leather he snarled in the 'masters' face before finishing his sentence

"…take a swing"

With a laugh Spike shoved his fist and a stake into the vampire's chest, who looked shocked then angry then agonised in quick succession before turning into a swirling cloud of dust.

Meanwhile, with the distraction Xander had managed to dust another two vamps including the one that Spike had sent down with his elbow. Spike spun, the adrenaline rushing through him and pulling a new stake from his flaring coat, plunged it into the back of the closest vamp, he howled in victory and turned to look for Xander, he stopped dead when he caught site of them, Xander and the last vamp, the boy was on the ground and the vampire, with his back to Spike standing over him knife in hand, almost at the boys throat, Spike blanched and sped forward tearing the arm of the attacker away from Xander, the movement spun the arm of Xanders assailant which held the knife and neatly plunged it upwards into his own stomach, the attacker screamed in pain. As did Spike. He staggered backwards as if kicked and hit the wall with a thud, his head in his hands, from the impact of the wall and the pain causing through his mind made Spike fell forwards onto his knees, still gripping his head.

"Spike NO"

Xander had yelled a warning just as his mugger got a knife in the ribs, it was true that vamps rarely worked with humans but this was Sunnydale, anything could happen. Spike's move had been so quick, it had beat the chip, and allowed the muggers own knife to be embedded into his lung, he had slumped to the ground, and Spike had received pain far greater than his own quick death.

Xander hissed as he pushed himself quickly to his feet, his newly bruised ribs sending shooting pains down his sides, he stared at Spike, not knowing what to do, he couldn't help Spike, the deed had been done and the chip would dish out as much pain as was needed to equal out the death of the man. The vampire was writhing against the floor, and for a moment Xander thought it would never end and the pain would be dosed out until Spike was dead, when the violent shudders and spasms stopped Xander breathed a sigh of relief he didn't realise he'd been holding, but then caught breath again when he realised that Spike had passed out and his face was still contorted with pain. Blood ran freely from his nose and right ear, wounds inflicted by the chip and not the previous battle.

Oh God Xander thought to himself well I cant just leave him here, for one he saved my life, for another, him being passed out and covered in blood next to a murder scene probably isn't the best bet, especially when they try to wake him and find he doesn't have a pulse but is still moaning in agony, right great, I'll have to carry him,

Xander limped over to Spike and contemplated trying to wake him, but it really didn't seem the best option right now, so he grabbed the platinum haired vamp by the arms and the hoisted him over his shoulders, grunting a little at the added weight and pressure on his ribs.

"It's a damn good job my cars near by bleach boy" muttered the brunette as he staggered along the alley "cos there's no way I coulda got you all the way to the grave yard, oh God, even now I don't think I'll be able to carry you all the way to your crypt, round all those grave stones and everything, I cant exactly drive there, uh man, I guess its back to the basement for you, I just hope you don't have to be awake for an invite to work."

Xander reached the car and heaved the vampire off his shoulder and sat him against the wall while he opened the door, then hauled him into the back seat of his car.

"Come on deadboy,"

He slammed the door and ran him round to the front and hopped in and sped off, he reached the apartment and pulled up to the curb, knowing if he tried to park in the garage he wouldn't have room to drag Spike from the car. He headed round the back and took the peroxide blonde by the shoulders and got him out of the back, leaning the vampire's weight against him to carry him in through the basement door, he had to stop half way, the pressure on his ribs was causing him to lose grip and he was close to dropping the his cargo on it's ass. Upon stopping he felt Spike shift and looked down into a pained face, the blondes eyelids shot open, causing the larger man to start, Spike eyes were a fathomless blue, swimming with agony and confusion,

"Xander?"

The vamp's voice small, strained and questioning before his pupils contracted fully and he doubled, causing Xander to hiss in pain and drop him, Spike hit the ground on all fours and vomited violently, blood. Xander stood for a moment shocked, not knowing what to do, were vampires supposed to hurl? Was it supposed to be blood? He guessed it was the only thing in Spike's stomach, but then again it could be Spike's own blood, the brunette knew he probably hadn't eaten for a while and that their bodies used the blood quickly to maintain their extra strength. He snapped out of his state of perplexity and pitched forward to hold Spike firmly by the shoulders until the retching stopped, as soon as it did Spike resumed his unconscious state and Xander had to pull him to his feat and get him inside come on in Captain-peroxide, once done, he managed to get Spike to the bed. He had been thinking about tying him to the recliner but it wasn't like Spike was in any state to attack him, the chip for one, and his worrying ailment for another large part.

Ill call Giles in the morning, ask him what to do…how am I going to explain bringing Spike home, he'll go all British and evasive on me, I mean I know it was a bad idea but its not like I could leave him there, he's really hurt, and to be honest he's kinda one of us now….

Xanders train of thought reeled off when he realised that he would have to call someone anyway to fetch Spike some blood, and he couldn't think too much now anyway, there were things that needed to be done, most imminent of which was finding a thing blanket to cover the one high placed window in the basement to protect from any potential sunlight he hadn't struggled to get Spike all this way to save him, to have him crisped and dusted by the sun. He also needed, Xander realised to try and fix his ribs, painkillers at least, and to clean the blood off his face and arms and clothes, and he guessed he should clean Spike off too, but he could most defiantly keep his clothes on-

It's a good job black hides anything…

After Xander had fixed himself and the curtains he turned to Spike with a bowl of hot water and a flannel,

"Well lets get you cleaned up mister, wouldn't want you getting blood all over my nice sheets now would we?"

He dipped and wrung the cloth, and began wiping at the blood staining the entire side of Spike's face that had run from his ear, it had pooled in the crevice of his cheek bone, but at least the bleeding seemed to have stopped now. Xander dabbed gently along the line of Spike's jaw line and close to the ear, not wanting to wake him, then began work on his nose and chin, again the blood had pooled, this time in the hollow at the base of the vamp's throat, Xander pulled the hem of the t-shirt back slightly to clean, and stopped to stare when he noticed a cut. He pulled the hem a little further to see the deep scar tissue running from the vampire's collar bone to his chest. It wasn't the sight of the wound that bothered Xander he had seen Spike endure much worse without blinking, it was the fact that it was there at all that shocked him- Xander was sure he had seen Spike acquire this particular scar almost a week ago when fighting a Garlack demon sporting an interesting looking knife. The wound should have healed a long time ago, even if Xander was mistaken and the scar was new, then it should have begun to close by now, in the time that it had taken Xander to get him home Spike's excelled healing should have begun. There was something wrong with Spike and it wasn't just through the accidental murder of Xander's mugger. Vampire's shouldn't get sick he was pretty sure of that, it was a package deal, get the super strength and a fast healing well toned fighting machine of a body in the mix, just kill the innocent and avoid sunlight and holy things-right? Maybe, but then again maybe not, and it unnerved Xander that everything they knew was never enough, they could never really know what made vampires tick and sometimes he thought the initiative had got the right idea, it was just that they went about it in the wrong fashion, just because they were dealing with demons it didn't give them the right to be inhumane.

"If I'm right and Spike's not healing properly then with all this spanking new pain he's in big trouble…"

Xander left the scar not knowing what to do, he wasn't sure that antiseptics would help with vampire wounds, and they would only sting anyway, and he had no desire to add to the pain Spike was already under. He took the bowl of water into the bathroom and washed it out; he slung the ruined flannel in the bin- all these years and he still hadn't found a stain remover to tackle bad blood stains, maybe he would ask Spike if he knew…I guess that'll have to wait.

When he re-entered the main room of the basement he realised for the first time that he was incredibly tired, his limbs felt heavy and his eyes sore, it had been a long and weird night. Xander then realised that he would be bedding down on the couch tonight, at least I have that, only a month ago and I would have been on the non-luxury that is the recliner he pulled himself out of his thoughts and walked over to the bed to grab the spare pillow before reaching under it to pull out the winter blanket to cover himself with and headed to the couch, within minutes he was fast asleep.

Xander woke with a start and for a while was disorientated by the couch and wrapped bindingly in the thick blanket covering him, the brunette stopped his struggling however to realise what had woken him, a laboured and hitched panting coming from his bed. Great. Spike. Xander thought, then mentally scolded himself for having thought so badly of the man who had saved him, well thing that had saved him, he couldn't help thinking that, but Spike had got himself hurt on Xanders behalf and that was worth something. He lay for a moment listening, trying to figure out the problem, was Spike awake or asleep, if so was it a dream or a nightmare? The human felt his cheeks redden when he wondered what sort of dream could make the vamp pant like that, but was pulled out of embarrassment by the strangled racking cry that came from the bed. Nightmare. Xander untangled himself and stumbled over to the bed peering through the dark and the shadowed form before him. Spike was lay flat out on the bed, pretty much how Xander had left him, but his face was contorted with pain and…was that fear? Xander could only guess, it wasn't something he had witnessed in the vampire before, and likewise he was surprised at how vulnerable and helpless Spike looked- the sweat was running from his brow, his body taught and arching in distress and pain, suddenly the vamp stilled slightly but shivered relentlessly his unnecessary breath still tortured, he turned his face to the pillow, and Xander was certain that he saw tears streaking the vampire's face, in the almost silent room, Xander heard the blonde whisper a heart wrenching "please" then watched as the vamp shot his face back up then jerk it back as though held by invisible hands that he started wrenching at them with his own, in reality leaving finger shaped bruises at his throat from his own grip.

Oh, God. This has got to stop Xander mentally rolled his eyes and grabbed at Spike's wrists pulling them from his throat,

"Spike? Spike wake up, come on bleach-boy"

He released his wrists and took him by the shoulders shaking the vamp slightly with no effect so tried again more violently

"Spike wake up- SPIKE!"

With this, the vampire's eyes shot open with immense speed which caused a startled Xander to release the blonde's shoulders and stumble backwards. Spike's eyes focused and widened in anger, he shot into sitting position while he thundered

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU-"

With this the vamp's blood caught up with him and the pain hit with the head rush, he pitched sideways crashing onto his elbow while retching over the side of the bed. Xander was thankful that nothing came up, but instinctively sat behind Spike on the bed and put a firm hand on his shoulder while using the other to fish a glass of water from behind him. When the vampire stilled apart from a slight shaking, Xander pulled him up and lent him back against the wall, in a half sitting position and handed him the glass of water. The brunette knew that Spike would have been annoyed at the help and contact from the boy and embarrassed at his 'weakness' so Xander said nothing, simply getting up and walking away to sit on the couch, which effectively hid him from Spike and Spike from him. Xander had half expected Spike to say something, a sarcastic comment at least, but he heard only the clink of the glass being replaced on the bedside table and the shuffle as the vampire slid slowly back down on the bed. After a while the blonde's breathing had evened out and Xander allowed himself to drift back off to sleep.

Xander woke, his limbs were stiff and his neck aching from the night on the couch, he groggily opened and eye and glanced at the clock. 9:45. He was late for work, he guessed he should call in sick, he couldn't really leave Spike alone, and to be honest he didn't really want to leave Spike alone. In his basement. Sure Xander felt sorry for him but he hadn't forgotten what Spike was. Is he corrected himself An illness and a few good deeds doesn't change a deceitful murderer. He shook himself off and glanced over at the vampire, Still flat out, well at least that means I wont have to deal with you for a while. Xander slogged over to the bathroom and turned on the shower, then made a quick decision to lock the door, if Spike needed help whilst he was washing that was his problem. The brunette devested and stepped under the scolding jets, he groaned appreciatively at the sudden warmth to his stiff muscles and leant back against the tiles for a minute to let the sensation wash over him as he was stripped of both grime and worries. After a while Xander shook himself out of the daze, he could really daydream for America, his imagination often took hold of him, and he was finding it harder and harder to concentrate on real life these days, of course that became even more confusing when real life consisted of having the slayer and powerful witches as friends as well as a sick vampire in your bed…Xander shook again and quickly scrubbed himself down before hopping out and drying himself on a relatively blood-stain free towel and dressing. He gave his shaggy hair a quick towelling, then took a large breath (he wasn't quite sure why exactly) before unlocking the bathroom door and stepping back into the main room. Spike was still lying on the bed, unmoving, but Xander was finding it hard to tell if the vampire was asleep, after a very long and uneasy pause Xander finally spoke softly into the ominous silence "Spike?" he ventured "You awake?", after a while, the brunette figured that the blonde must still be out for the count and took the opportunity to have some breakfast, he then decided that he had better get it over and done with and call Giles, he really was at a loose end and even if Giles said that Spike would be fine on his own, Xander felt sure he would need some blood soon.

The conversation with the Watcher was much easier than expected and the older man apparently had very few hang ups about Xander taking Spike home, in-fact sounding rather impressed that the boy had acted so honourably knowing how much Xander had displayed hatred to the vampire in the past, Giles had sounded rather disturbed when he found that Spike had managed to kill someone in Xander's defence albeit an accident, no one was used to Spike helping the gang yet, and they were all aware of the pain in which the chip could inflict on the vampire.

Giles agreed to come and see Spike to see what should be done, and agreed to bring some blood, he said he would even use his connections to acquire some human blood for the would-be hero as it would help him heal better.

Xander clicked the phone back down and sighed, he had got himself into some odd situations before but this had to be close to top, even when Angel was around, Xander had never been in such close quarters alone with a vamp that wasn't trying to kill him. He ran his hands through his hair and then decided to put the kettle on, he needed coffee.

Giles arrived just over an hour later, Xander opened the door to him and took the brown bag he was carrying from him.

"Oh, thank-you, I'm afraid it's not much, I couldn't find as much human as I would have liked on such short notice, so I brought some pigs too, and eh, some Hershey's for you, I knew you would probably need it"

The man said with a tired smile, Xander thanked him and stood aside to let him in then closed the door before dumping the bag on the couch and rustling through for the chocolate and tucking in.

Giles was still standing half way into the room, and Xander motioned for him to sit down, then realised that the man was looking at Spike, his eyebrows furrowed in thought, Xander almost laughed, he couldn't believe that it had taken such a short time for him to get used to having Spike there, and not realising that it would shock Giles.

"Sorry G-man, I guess I didn't think to warn you"

The older man looked up with a slight start and then shook his head

"It's not your fault Xander, I knew he was here, it's just I didn't comprehend quite how bad his condition would be"

Xander frowned slightly; he supposed that since he'd seen all the stages of Spike's deterioration that his present state didn't really shock him; then again, as he looked at the vampire now, he could fully understand what Giles meant. The blonde's face was gaunt and sallow his sockets deep and reddened; his hair drenched in sweat and blood, the bruises from his own fingers stark against his neck.

"What happened last night exactly?"

The question from Giles pulled Xander to awareness and began to tell the whole story from the beginning but was stopped

"Yes, I understand that, but you said on the phone that he fought those vampires with ease if so where did he get those bruises?"

"Oh." Xander looked down as he spoke quietly "He did them himself" the brunette proceeded to tell of Spike's nightmare at the end of which a thought struck him and before the Watcher had time to reflect on the dream, Xander had walked over to the unconscious Spike. He reached down and pulled back his t-shirt at the neck,

"Look" he commented

The gash was just as bad as it had been the night before, deep and vicious

"I'm pretty sure this is the scar he got last week, you know with those Garlic's last week, but shouldn't it have healed, I mean was their dagger special in anyway or something?"

"ah that's Gar'lacks and not that I'm aware of, and yes you are quite right, the wound should have fully healed by now- this is um rather odd I must admit, the only reason that I know of for a vampire not to heal, is if he is not feeding properly I don't see that Spike would have any reason not to, or any vampire for that matter unless of course their sire told them otherwise, but I'm sure Angel would never-"

"Spike's not any vampire though is he?" Xander cut in, ignoring the comment about Angel "He's good, well forced to be by his chip, but I mean he's different, and why shouldn't he be neglecting to feed, I cant believe we didn't think of this sooner, like when he first had his chip in- he can't feed, not the way he's supposed to- not in the natural way, natural for a vampire I mean, that's what they do, that's what Spike did, for over 120 years that's what he lived on, human blood, I mean there has got to be some mega withdrawal hasn't there-just living on pigs blood, he'd probably rather not bother with it at all-"

"Alright, Xander calm down, I agree fully that we have been rather well, blind, and all you are saying is completely true, but I'm afraid you've just made me realise that this is serious indeed, more so that just the loss of the human blood"

"Wh-what d'you mean?"

"When a vampire feeds, it isn't just the blood he is drinking, but the life, the essence, and further more, the bonds to the world, to other people, their emotions, love and fear- it's a powerful connection if only the vampire experiences it, in such a case where this is taken away- I dread to think. I have heard of some cases in which a vampire may loose the ability to sense the connection or has become too weak to bother or understand, in all such cases it was reported that the vampire in question was able to take comfort in their Sire, their last connection to the human world- it is obviously impossible for this to work with Spike, Drusilla I fear does not comprehend the connection well enough, or possibly she does more so than any other of her kind, either way she would not be able to help-"

"Angel is not coming anywhere near here"

"I…I'm not sure it would help anyway, Spike seems to have little ties to Angel any more, possibly since his sire was Angelus, but Spike's case is different anyway, its forced on a strong vampire, I was merely pointing out that Spike is likely to have larger symptoms that we apprehended, and we understand why- I know that you dislike him, but it is important that you keep him here, and never let him feel that you want it otherwise, we cannot deal with Spike if his mental state becomes severally unstable or secluded, and no Xander, I know what you are thinking but we cannot kill him or let him fend for himself, he has helped us too often and Buff-"

"I know Giles, I'm the reason he is like this remember- I won't turn him out"

"Xander- this is not your fault, you must understand that"

"Yeah sure, sorry Giles, just, you know, long night. I'll be fine"

"Alright, I'd better get back- now if you need anything don't hesitate to call, I trust you can get the time that you need off work?"

"Yeah it's taken care of"

"Ok, and um Xander- Take care of yourself"

The brunette nodded in thanks and Giles left, once again Xander was left alone with only a troubled vampire and his thoughts, which were much deeper and uneasy than they had been only an hour before.

The next few days and nights went in much the same fashion, Spike slipping in and out of consciousness, Xander only able to feed him by coaxing the demon out of sleep with the smell of the blood, only for him to consume it and resume his coma-like state. There were some few times when it wasn't bad and Spike was able to stay awake for an hour or so before tiring and slipping back into those awful dreams. He would never talk about them; it was often that the vampire woke with a start to find an almost frantic Xander grasping his arms pulling him from the tenacious grip of those visions. The brunette had so far kept quiet about the instances and as soon as Spike woke he would pull himself away to give Spike the space he felt was needed, but Xander was becoming increasingly worried. It was true he had never really cared for the vampire but being personal nurse to someone does help you become rather sympathetic if not attached. Spike seemed to be doing better, regaining his health slowly, yet Xander knew the chip was still dosing out pain, it had to be, the worst thing, however was indefinitely the dreams. Xander had never seen anyone having such intense nightmares, that racked the entire body, causing the vampire to shake and hiss in pain, and Xander tried to help, but it was becoming increasingly more intense and increasingly more difficult to force the vampire awake, to pull him from the grip of the dreams, from the clawing of Spikes own hands on his own body, his whimpers and cries of "no" and "please". This particular night was no different (the vampires waking hours were still few but since boarding with Xander his sleeping habits had shifted), Spike had had the sheets gripped in both hands when Xander woke and pushed himself up from the couch, but his body was still, this was new, then Spike had begun to speak, for a moment Xander thought him awake, but no, the voice was small and timid, and full of fear and pain. What bothered Xander was wondering what Spike could possibly have dreams about that frightened him so much, nothing scared Spike, he was the Big Bad, and if this scared him, should they all be scared? No they were just dreams weren't they? Xander shook himself and was set about helping Spike, whose words flowed freely, babbling- begging for mercy. "no, please, I'm sorry- please please please please" a mantra repeated over and over until the blonde gasped pain and let out a sob, Xander shook him for the fifth time, and the vampire gasped again as he woke, his eyes wide and wet- they dilated rapidly as blue met deep brown, as did his entire body as he jumped away from Xander's hold, Xander had himself jumped, shocked at Spike's sudden movement, but backed off into full view of the vampire, who had now seemed to relax a little though he was still breathing heavily. "Spike? You ok?" asked the brunette softly, he couldn't let this keep happening; "m'fine" came the short reply. "We have to talk about this"

"No. we don't" Spikes tone was even and calm but held a deed promise of malice.

"Yes, we do, you can't keep having these dreams-"

"They're not dreams"

"Nightmare then what ever, this isn't good-"

"Not nightmares" Spikes voice had remained malicious but sounded muffled now, far away "They're memories".

"What?"

Xander's mind was trying to process this new information, it was wrong and sad and twisted and unbearably wrenching, someone or something had actually scared Spike that much, had actually caused him to beg and cry, and what's worse was still causing him that pain, it was just so… wrong. Xander was stunned, his mouth open trying to find words that didn't exist.

"doesn't matter" Spike's voice sounded tired and small, he was lying down again now his face half turned away from Xander.

"-Wait…what?" again Xanders ears and brain just hadn't worked properly they couldn't have could they? memories?

Spike turned on his side, trying to block Xander out.

"But, Spike?"

Xander had no idea what to say or do but he couldn't not do anything, God, he wanted to help Spike. He didn't want to force him to tell him about anything, just it was so….twisted, what could possibly have done this to Spike? The vampire had growled however low and menacing, yet quick and fierce,

"I said drop it, alright?"

Spike would have loved to walk away, stalk out into the night, to either find a wall to punch or one to put his back to- but he couldn't, all he could do was angrily pull the blankets further around him hiding himself from the boy.

Xander got the message and quickly stepped back, for a moment had looked at Spike with lingering worry and fear, but another warning growl had sent him turning quickly away and back to the couch.

The same process happened night after night, for almost another week, the wretched pulling, torturous dreams had gone, only to be replaced by these desperate pleading ones, that in their quietness seemed so much worse. Xander would wake Spike, but had stopped trying to get him to talk, it was Spike's business.

Xander woke, he was unbearably hot, the air was close and thick, he felt like he was being swallowed by the sofa. He wrestled himself up and sat on the edge listening, not a sound, Spike was not talking or moaning or screaming or pleading, it was surreal to know that not 4 feet away another person slept, but it was so quiet that Xander could hear his own heartbeat. He often put it to one side of his mind that his lodger was over 120 years old, that he didn't need to breathe, didn't have a soul. A shiver went down Xander's back, he could find no comfort from the heat however, he felt so heavy and burdened. The brunette sighed and made his way to the bathroom, where upon he ran the cold tap and held a towel under the jet until it was wet through, he wrung it and leant back against the wall as he draped it over his face, the cool sensation ran right through him to his toes and he smiled, then folded the towel to put around his neck and walk back into the quiet basement, except it wasn't quiet. Spike's dream (memory Xander corrected himself) had begun. The vampire was uttering such quiet words that they were hard to catch, and Xander couldn't help but begin to listen as he edged closer to hear. The blonde's face was pale in the dark, stark some how, whiter than it should have been, it held a look of total defeat and silent tears were running down the planes of his cheekbones. Xander was shocked, of all the things he had witnessed of Spike recently, this was the worst, to see a man (vampire Xander's brain reminded him) always so sure of himself, so confident and strong to be brought to such loss and desolation was painful to behold. Xander thought it was time to wake the sleeper up, and padded to Spike's side, only then did he catch snippets of the words, holding much the same theme of previous dreams but seem to be said to himself more than anyone else I'm sorry, please forgive me, I am wrong, I am wrong, I am wrong. Xander's brows furrowed in sympathy, and he put a hand gently out to Spike's arm, the vampire instantly and unconsciously recoiled violently away from the hand, and his words became louder No please, please don't, I know I'm wrong, please master please Xander was at a loss, Spike was deeply submerged in the memory and touching him again could have awful affects but leaving him to relive this scene seemed as wrong again. The words didn't stop and Xander's eyes widened in shock, and horror and fear as he realised what Spike was reliving, NO! Sire please Master n-….the dialogue was cut short by a sobbing strangled scream that broke forth from the blonde, who seemed now to be little more than a boy. Xander snapped, his brain running on overtime, he grabbed the water from the dresser beside the bed and without thinking flung it in the vampire's face who shot upright instantly awake, disorientated, scared, terrified even- then Xander watched as the emotions ran past Spike's face, as he came back to the present, turned back from a cowering William to a confused, wet and pissed off Spike. Xander thought fast and grabbed the towel from round his neck to dry the vampire off, as soon as he got within three feet of Spike's personal space, the vampire had ripped the towel from his hands and scrubbed his face before flinging it to the ground. Spike was not recovering as he normally did, he didn't go quiet and deal, he was angry- Xander couldn't tell weather he was angry at him, or the memory, or the whole situation, but he knew who would be on the receiving end of that anger.

The vampire gave a fierce growl and leapt from the bed, he whipped round to face the wide eyed boy, who had realised that this was going to be worse for Spike than for himself, but wasn't sure entirely what Spike could do before the chip set in- very little apparently since, before Xander could do anything, the vampires eyes dilated quickly with the force of his sudden movement (he had not moved much from the bed at all since the night he had saved Xander) he didn't even sway just went over, knees buckling, hitting the ground with a sickening crack. Xander was snapped out of his fear and had hopped quickly over the bed to where Spike had sat up and was clutching his head in his hands, howling in pain and rocking quickly back and forth. Xander wondered for a moment if the chip had gone off, or was it just still going from the murder, but then he saw the blood. Running between Spikes hands at a terrifying rate, the brunette instantly put a hand on Spike's shoulder beginning to pull him up "Oh god Spike!" the blonde jerked away from his grasp, "Don't fucking touch me Harris" "Spike your head?" the skull must have cracked badly when the vamp had hit the concrete even a vamp couldn't heal that too easily. "Don't help me" Spike's voice was almost furious edging on hysterical, he pushed Xander away, which earned him a jolt from the over active chip he cried out but pushed himself to his feat, before Xander could get up the vampire was at the door, one hand still clutching his gushing skull, he flung it open and staggered off into the night. Xander swore and jumped up almost slipping on the copious pool of blood on his floor. The brunette raced outside, Spike can't have gone far, not in that condition it should be easy enough to follow the trail of blood he's marking the streets with.

Finding Spike proved to be a difficult job, the trail of the blood had died off at the end of the street, and Xander had no idea were he could be, he wouldn't go to his crypt, and it was doubtful that he would even be able to get half that way without passing out. The boys mind was racing- the last few weeks had been mad crazy, he'd barely left the basement, spending most of his time with a vampire that he by definition hated, to make sure he repaid some debt that he felt he owed to the vamp for saving his life. Not a month ago Xander had been surprised when ever the vampire had showed up at any point in his life, I mean, he was evil, and hated them, and yes sure had got a new toy shoved in his head which forced him to get his kicks and cash working odd jobs for the scoobies, but some how Xander had never forgotten that he was evil, then, the vampire had saved his life and harmed his own, true he hadn't realised what he was getting himself into when he had grabbed the mugger, he had thought him a vampire, but again not a month ago and the vamp would have stood by and laughed watching and cheering as the mugger had killed him. Now having spent most of his days heating pigs blood and wrestling the blonde out of nightmares, he realised that everyone was scared of something, and some how this scared Xander more than anything. He now also realised that he couldn't blame Spike for being such an asshole sometimes, it seemed that he had had a hard life followed by a cruel unlife. It made Xander angry to think about it- for all his smirks and grins Spike never truly smiled because in 20 years of life and 120 of death this creature had never had a reason to.

Xander stopped, he realised that once again he had let his thoughts rule him, and in such state had walked into some back alley and didn't have the faintest idea where. He sighed in frustration, the looked around to try and get his bearings. Something moved close by, Xander jumped then furrowed his brows in anger at the offending cat that crossed his path. He began to walk through the Alley and into the next, a sound reached his ears, a solid thumping and crumbling, he walked towards it, the sound became louder and he pinpointed it to the alley to his left and took the turn, he stopped at the end, his eyes rested on Spike, again he sighed shortly. The blonde was punching the wall repeatedly, hard, hard enough to let the bricks rain dust from his knuckles which were bleeding to the bone. Xander walked towards him, the punching did not cease, kept on in the same unyielding force, the blood from his fist and head gushing to soak his clothes, tears storming his cheeks at the same relentless pace. Xander stopped a few feet away and for a moment was silent, then taking a deep breath spoke in an even voice.

"Spike."

"fuck off Harris"

"Spike" he said a little more persistently but in softer tone, Spike replied punctuating his words with the blows to the blood soaked wall

"Fuck. Off" there was deep warning in his voice but Xander wasn't going to let this go, he was tired and this was beginning to grate, he just wanted to get it sorted, to help Spike, but he couldn't if the vampire wouldn't help himself, his own voice became angered

"Stop that" the force in his voice had obviously startled the vamp a little whose eyes shot away from the wall to meet his, but the stare was steely and glacial.

"go home Harris" Spike dropped his eyes and began to pound the wall again.

"I'm not going anywhere so you can stand there and listen to me or you can walk away in which case you will have to stop punching the fucking wall" he'd got Spike trapped and he knew it, the vamp didn't acknowledge this but kept punching.

"Right then, Listen up and listen good- I am grateful for what you did for me, even if you didn't mean it, I know I owe you so I'm letting you stay with me, I don't mind, I don't care, I know its not enough, I want to stop the pain for you to even the score- I cant, but I want to- I don't mind staying home from work, or fetching your blood or even sticking wheetabix in it and I don't care about the dreams, but I do fucking care when you throw it all back in my face- having a bad life or death or whatever doesn't make it okay to be an bastard to yourself. I didn't ask about anything, never have, I know what you've done to people but I helped you cos I know what you did for me- but I'd never think that you'd be the one making everything worse for yourself, you walk round like prince of the night all dark and powerful with that smug smirk plastered on your face when all the time you're doing this kinda crap to yourself. You had a hard life and a crappy death, you got hurt- so do we all, and fine you have a chip and I know you cant deal with the pain and the loss, everyone has problems Spike past uglies that they don't wanna remember, and things that they think are gonna kill them everyday but we deal, we talk and whatever but you- you-"

Xander couldn't finish, he was cut of by a fuming Spike, who had forgotten all about the wall and looked about ready to rip Xander's guts out chip or not, his gaze was pure rage burning a hole in the boys own

"Past uglies, past fucking uglies? I can't believe you, I don't give a flying toss that you took me to that shit hole you call home, what do you think I am a fucking stray? You know damned well that I would of walked out any day if I could have, I never asked for your help Harris, I'm not a bloody charity case I didn't fucking want your cheep pigs blood that makes me wanna hurl, I didn't want your bed or bandages and I certainly didn't want you waking me up every night looking like you actually bloody care what I'm dreaming about rather than the fact that I'm disturbing your precious sleep- I've dealt with those dreams for the last 100 years I think I can so fine without you shaking me silly every time they get a bit violent. Oh yeah, that's it look like you don't know what I'm talking about, act like you don't wanna know, talk about the problems eh? Want the running commentary on the dreams, wanna know the one thing that scared old Spike, wanna hear about how I was ripped from life and left with an insane woman who couldn't even sire me properly, how Angelus had to finish the half assed job, how he made me cruel and became like the father I never had, made me care about him, how he beat me bloody and left me for days, how he made me hate myself and not him, how he let me starve and then ripped into me some more? Wanna know how he broke me until I was too weak to even talk wanna fucking know how he raped me Xander?" The look on Xanders face said it all, the shock the pain and denial of what he had already suspected but still didn't want to believe "didn't think so, so don't pry into other peoples business and don't ever come near me again Harris" with that the vampire turned violently and stalked off into the night, blood still pouring from him.

Xander stood shocked for a moment then swayed and leant heavily back against the wall. That was not how that was supposed to go, he had wanted to help Spike, he wanted to help the vampire in a way he might understand, but it had made him so angry thinking at how much the vampire was wasting, pretty much everything Spike had said Xander had already knew, most of it since tonight's dream,

NO! Sire please Master n-….

He hadn't wanted to know. He also realised that Spike was more vulnerable than he had ever let on- no wonder he hated Angel so much, the man that had treated him so badly, he made me hate myself and not him -that wasn't it was it? Spike hated Angel because he wasn't Angelus and he hated himself for wishing he was, for remembering everything and still hoping that that 'father' of his, was still there, somewhere. He'd gone for good, Xander knew that from the short angered tale Spike had told, Angelus had taught Spike got board or jealous and had hurt him, wanted to break him for fun, maybe even the Sire/father bit had even been part of the game, Spike was just a child, make him trusting then break him down make the hurt all the worse, make him feel twisted and dirty and like it all had to be his fault somehow that would be just like Angelus. Xander's heart wretched. He. Hated. Angel. Fine he had a soul now, but it didn't atone for what he did, Spike doesn't have a soul, and he was ok, and sure he had a bout of the nasty but that was Angels fault too wasn't it? He'd made Spike like he is, in everyway hurt him, made him defensive and cruel. Spike was good now, and Xander was sure it wasn't all about the chip, the chip was just the push he'd needed, like a nicotine patch. Without the demon to hide behind however Spike was still just a boy who was scared and frustrated with life, and now didn't even have a real way to calm the ache, had to suppress his rage and feel like a freak and not get the rush and connection with the world, the anchor that feeding brought him. He was lost, Xander saw it now, not human not a proper vampire, not Spike, not William the bloody, or just plain old poet William. He wasn't a killer, or a hero or a man or a monster. This realisation just made the brunette more determined to help him, because now when he thought of Spike, he saw himself.

Three weeks later and Xander was cursing himself with every swear and cuss word he knew, he hadn't been able to find Spike, he'd been all over this town and then the scoobies had too, and then again, there was no trace of him. For the day after that fight Xander had left Spike alone, where ever he was, figured he needed some space after that one, but after that, then a few more days and a few more, the brunette was becoming worried, as were all the scoobies, Spike knew about them, had info and if he wasn't around helping then it was possible he was off plotting, or helping someone else plot. That's why they said they worried anyway, Xander knew that this wasn't entirely true for any of them, maybe saving Buffy who only mourned it as the loss of a good fighter, the others, including Xander himself and Giles, who had seen his awful state, were increasingly anxious, it was looking more and more likely that Spike was rotting in pain some where or more likely ash tray bound.

Once again Xander got up, then sat down, then got up again. He couldn't stay still, and grabbing his coat stormed out of the basement slamming the door behind him.

Xander reached the grave yard in record time and held his steak high ready for action, he needed some violence, he had had no outlet at all for his stress recently and it was so pent up now it was threatening to make him flip, he needed the outlet.

The wind whipped around the tomb stones and Xander was flying with it, jumping and kicking, back hand, heel of the palm, knee, head butt, stake to the heart. The brunette had never moved this well or this fast, running on pure adrenaline and pent up feelings. The sweat was running from him, soaking his clothes, the blood ran from a gash just above his eye, the pheromones and scents he was sending out calling to every vamp in the perimeter, none survived. All met the same dusty ending.

Xander hit home his breath hitching in his chest from the run all the way from the grave yard, he had still been on a high, and felt better than he had in a long time, his tensions and worries had been taken out on the unfortunate undead of the night. The brunette stripped his sodden clothes and dumped them in the basket before heading to the shower, where under the jet spray he eventually allowed his mind to stop swimming, and his fists to unclench, everything washed over him like the water, all the feelings of the past weeks rushed back in a wave, it hit him full on, causing the boy to sink to his knees in the shower the tears streaming fast down his face when he realised just how worried he was, Spike had become a real friend, just as if it were Buffy or Willow lost out there, his body racked, for a good long while he stayed there, even when the shower had gone cold, eventually he was snapped out of the abyss of his thoughts by a high pitched ringing. The boy stopped the shower and grabbed a towel while he rushed to the phone and picked it quickly up. "Hello? Spike?"

"Oh, Hello Xander, no, ah, it's Giles here"

"Oh. Ok, hey"

"Xander I um, need to speak with you, it's about Spike, we are all becoming increasingly worried, there have been no reports of his where abouts or even as we had feared, his death, the underworld should know something by now, no one does, and if they do, they certainly aren't giving out information, the truth is we need Spike, he is the only one whom we know we can trust who holds information regarding the Initiative, and it seems that they intend to make a move. Now I understand that you are worried about his health, if he is indeed weak, which judging by my last meeting with him, and the difficulty of his circumstance, is likely, then I believe that the best bet to both find and heal him is to call Angel, he may-"

"WHAT?"

"well the fact is that a sire had a certain bond to his childe no matter what their personal relationship, their blood heels their childe better than any other and that bond helps them find each-"

"No. Angel is not coming here"

"Now Xander be reasonable, I understand that you dislike Angel but-"

"That monster is not going any where near Spike, if he tries to, I will kill him"

With that Xander hung up. He felt on fire, his nerves were humming yet his heart felt like ice, he had been so blind before, and everyone else still was. His rage was so

intense he felt wrapped in it. He had to find Spike.

Xander had stormed into Willie's, uncaring about subtleties tonight, he marched right to the bar, Willie began to greet him but was cut off by the brunette hauling him towards him and slamming his head into the beer soaked wood

"Where is he?"

Xander demanded to the wriggling man beneath his palm,

"Come on now buddy lets be reasonabl…." Xander loosed up then slammed his hand back down onto the smaller man's head

"Ok, ok, just…Where is who?"

Xander was going to slam his skull again then realised that it was possible that the snitch didn't actually know who he was talking about, he didn't think that much of the demon world have been let in on the fact that Spike had been staying with a human

"Spike, where is Spike" the boy spat out "and don't give me any of the crap you feed your other patrons"

"Look buddy I just don't want to get…" With another slam of the head against the hard counter, Willie was beginning to get the picture, unfortunately a lot of the other less-than-human customers had begun to notice Xander as soon as he had said the name "Spike" and a foreboding circle of demons was beginning to form around him. Xander decided to play the Scooby card

"The peroxide freak has information that I need and I will get it understand"

A demon to his left had spoken before Willie had a chance

"Freak is right, we don't hold with William the bloody any more" the sarcasm and detest in his voice was thick. Another demon spoke from behind him

"He kills our kind"

"yeah. yeah" Willie began begging "We ah, I mean the other customers don't like him coming in here no more, it upsets them see and I cant have that, I mean we have a no kill policy now see, so eh I was doing him a favour, haven't seen him in a while, didn't say where he was…OW!"

Xander was becoming more impatient, he looked harshly round at the assorted demons and vamps

"I know you all know exactly who I am and who my connections are to, so I suggest that if any of you want to preserve your unlives then you tell me anything you know"

Xander knew playing the slayer was cheating but he didn't have time, one of the fledges to his right cracked first

"I know, I mean I heard some people saying that he uh, doesn't eat humans any more, like maybe he went like his Sire with the soul and all, but I saw him and he didn't have a soul and…"

The young vamp was backed against a wall

"Where."

"Um, I uh, ow ow ow, OK I saw him in an ally off 23rd I think he must have been squatting near by cos he didn't look like he could walk far, I mean I just saw him for a second but he went off and I uh…"

The fledge was dropped to the ground and the door was swinging behind Xander when the no snitching loophole was found in Willie's no killing rule.

Xander reached the street in no time, he hoped Spike hadn't moved, but he didn't think that he would have even had the strength to, the brunette was having sinking suspicions that Spike had been here all along and Buffy (this was her part of the town to look for the peroxide vamp) had overlooked the old warehouses lining the back streets, and headed straight for the Bronze not three blocks away. He clocked himself on the head, it had also been the slayers job to pummel all the info she could get outa Willie, and that this duty had also been shunned, for a second Xander hated the small blonde, how could she be so self-righteous and just selfish so often, oh yeah, he thought to himself 'superiority complex'. She never had liked Spike, I mean it was understandable not to trust him, none of them did but the others had had the decency to realise that Spike had helped them before, always kept his word and to be honest they felt sorry for him, they had recognised that Spike would be having a difficult time not feeding, but Buffy- no, she was just pissed that the others had stopped her killing him now that she had a shot a winning. Xander stopped himself before he thought something he would regret or wonder why he was even thinking them in the first place. He rounded the corner into an ally and slowed to an even pace then stopped altogether to take everything in. The slight rev of cars a few blocks across, the scurry of rats, a slight wind, the smell of week old trash, no sign of anything out of the ordinary, except, yeah that was it, this was too like the movies, all the dumpsters neat along the walls, he went to the first and largest one and heaved against the side, it rolled away easily, and left, as Xander had suspected, a jagged entrance to the warehouse. The brunette ducked down and went inside, standing up once in to survey his surroundings, nothing, a large and empty warehouse, broken windows surrounded the top of the giant building and there was an overhead walkway that….wait a minute, broken windows, windows of any kind would mean that if Spike was or had been staying here then he would have had to find shelter from the sun. He skirted his eyes round the premises again to see what he had missed, there it was, a door to the back of the warehouse, shadowed, Xander crossed to it trying carefully not to let his footsteps echo menacingly and give any inhabitants an idea of his coming. He reached the door and slowly opened it a crack, he peered in, nothing. He opened the door wider, stuck his head round, and decided to go in, the door lead to an electrical and store room which in turn probably lead to the sewers. As the brunettes eyes adjusted to the light he could make out the shelves around him, then looking down, could discern crusted dark puddles on the grimy floor. Blood. For a moment Xander reached for a stake, forgetting the chip, then grabbed it anyway, he knew he had to be wary of the vampire, who had proved more than once that with enough temper or will power the vamp could break the pain barrier. The guilt hit Xander like a lead ball to the heart and spread settling in his stomach, increasing his unease. He skirted yet another set of shelves before he was aware that he knew Spike was here, the feeling that always came with the vampire rose the hairs on the back of his neck, he turned his head slowly from side to side eyeing the area before coming to rest on the huddled black shadow in the corner, barely noticeable in the gloom.

"Spike?"

Xander quietly ventured as he stepped cautiously nearer

"Spike, come on I know you don't wanna talk to me right now but you need to-"

Xanders words fell short as the vampire became discernible, he looked worse than ever, he was terribly thin, his skin sagged gauntly, paper like over bones, the crack to the vampire's skull was stark and unhealed against the pale skin and shock of blonde, the blood from that night not even washed from his face. This. Was. Bad. The vampire obviously hadn't fed at all and the blood loss had been considerable, Xander lived in hope that he must have forced himself to eat a rat, but then force wasn't a word for the blood lust was it, unless he was forcing himself not to. The brunette quickly fell to his knees and called Spike's name again, with no answer, it struck Xander that the vampire wasn't having any nightmares so was probably unconscious, he hoped that this would be helping the him heal, and grabbed his hand to see whether the gashed from the wall bashing had begun to close, he gasped. The wounds hadn't healed but that so wasn't the issue right now, as the gashes had friends. Xander had thought he understood Spike taking his anger out on the wall, it was about that release of pent up violence wasn't it? The thought had never entered the boy's mind that it might have been about the pain, about inflicting that, but this, this was undeniable.

When the brunette had brought the Spike's hand closer to him to inspect the wounds his eyes had focused on the fresh cuts, running down the length of his arm from elbow to wrist in straight parallel and then gradually erratic criss-crossing patterns warped by blood and dirt, every one a testament to a different kind of release that the vampire had sought.

Mind racing Xander quickly took the other arm, noting first the similar repetition of cuts, then the bloodied fingers, unharmed but covered in the vamps own gore non the less. Suddenly the brunette dropped the arm he held, the world tipped slightly and his head spun, his stomach turned. He breathed heavily and waited for the worst to pass only to be left with a knotting feeling in his chest.

Xander took Spike, as he had done what seemed like aeons ago, by the arms and cautiously went to hoist him over a shoulder, the weight difference appalled him, and almost set the boy off balance, yet managed to reiterate exactly how bad this was, the brunette shifted the skeletal frame in his arms to be carrying him cradled against his body arms supporting Spike's shoulders at one end and behind the knees at the other.

Fuckohfuckohfuckit

The thought ran over and over in Xanders mind as he raced to the only place he could think of getting help.

"GILES, GILES?"

"Xander you know I really would appreciate it if you would simply knock when you oh dear lord"

The brunette pushed quickly passed the older man to lie his cargo oh the sofa before running to the fridge to grab a bag of blood and slamming it into the microwave, he was just about to frantically rip Giles' best tea towel to shreds to use as bandages when his arm was grabbed by the Watcher, he spun round to stare into the face of the man stopping his train of manic activity, he was met by an equally hard stare which stopped him right in his tracks, the older man's features softened when he saw that he had managed to stop the war path.

"Ok, Xander, now just tell me what happened"

Xander faltered, "no, No I….I can't" he had been desperately trying to forget the events of the last hour and this wasn't getting anything done

"Look, we just need to help him right now, Ok? Can we just clean him up and feed him…"

"Yes, yes of course you're right Xander, I'm terribly sorry I was just shocked at the arrival after so long, I had- but that can wait, get the first aid box from the bathroom, top shelf, I'll fix the blood"

It was a long time before the two had cleaned Spike up, Xander could hardly bare to look at the vampire's arms, carved almost to shreds, Giles however, seemed unnaturally fascinated by them, ghosting his fingertips over the raised and mutilated flesh. Xander cringed- it seemed almost macabre, and almost disrespectful- not to mention unclean!

"Giles, please!"

His voice was taught and weary, it took the older man out of his trance and he looked sharply towards Xander, before making serious eye contact.

"Xander I'm afraid this is situation is beyond simple self-harm-"

"Giles if you ever thought that this was simple then-"

"I mean, if you will let me finish, that the cuts are not simply erratic marks, it's a message Xander, in a primitive form of archaic runes"

"He- he cut a message into his own arm?"

Xander's voice was small and stuck between morbid fascination and disgust.

"yes"

"What's it say?"

"Angel".