Going Back to Move On
Dawn, a young widow, finds solace at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
April 5, 2010
Dawn Sapling stood alone, rain blowing up under her umbrella, staring at the new grave, and the funeral flowers that had grown tattered in the torrential downpour. Her hands and feet were numb with cold, but she made no move to seek shelter or warmth, she simply stared down at the headstone, reading the name over a thousand times.
Kenneth Sapling
Beloved Husband
January 6, 1979 - March 31, 2010
Her husband slept beneath that headstone, eight feet down was her Kenny! But, she couldn't reach him, she could never reach him. He was so close to her, she couldn't seem to wrap her mind around the fact that he was gone. Not at the viewing, nor the funeral, or even the burial the previous day. So this cold and rainy morning in early April found Dawn staring down at his grave, trying to wrap her consciousness around the bitter truth: Kenny was gone.
Never before, not even when her mother died, had she wished so hard for magic that could bring back the dead. This was not really a stretch of the imagination, Dawn was a witch, and she had seen, first hand, what power magic could have. Being muggle-born, she had not been raised in the magical world, and had thus been awestruck by the sheer power that she held when she first attended Hogwarts at age eleven. Magic had long since become mundane, and she had, in time, turned her back on the magical world.
Her father insisted that she attend university after she completed her education at Hogwarts. He simply couldn't understand that you didn't need a university degree to be accomplished in the magical world. She humored him, and sent out numerous applications. At the time Dawn had been very involved in the magical community; Voldemort was back, and she desperately wanted to fight to bring him down. She joined the Order of the Phoenix as soon as her seventh year was complete. She continued her involvement in the Order through her first year studying Astronomy at Oxford. By Christmas, the war had reached a fever pitch, and Dawn had seen many of her friends die. She was becoming more and more happy in the muggle world, studying the stars, than she was among her fellow witched and wizards. She was at the final battle in May, and was relieved to finally be able to take a break from the fighting. She choose to turn to the muggle world for a rest, and a fresh start away from war and destruction.
It was around this time when Dawn first met Kenny. He was a muggle, studying astrophysics at Oxford, and they connected immediately. Dawn had never been as happy as she was while they were dating. Kenny was kind and gentle, untouched by the war and controversy she had lived with for years. She knew that she could leave the magical world to be with him, but it felt wrong to lie to him.
After two years of dating, Dawn finally broke down and told him what she was. To her great surprise, he accepted what she told him, and said he loved her anyway. They went on just as they had before, and two years later, they were married.
Kenny never asked Dawn to turn her back on the magical world, she choose to do so. She was happy living as a muggle, happier than she had ever been as a witch. She, of course, still used magic, but she fell out of touch with the rest of the magical community. She pursued her education even further, and earned a Doctorate in Astronomy. Kenny got a job working at NASA, and the young couple relocated to Florida, where Dawn took a position as an Astronomy professor at the University of Miami. In short, they were as happy as could be; right up March 31, when Kenny's car was run off the road by a tractor-tailor, in a sudden Florida thunderstorm.
Dawn had traveled back to England to bury her husband in their home soil. And so she stood, freezing in the pouring rain, staring at her husband's grave, missing the sun and sea and their life together, longing for a time that was gone forever.
April 20, 2010
"Dr. Sapling", a somewhat timid freshman approached Dawn as she was gathering her papers after a lecture, "I… um… I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you back."
Dawn really smiled for what felt like the first time in weeks. "Thank you Miss Barry, I appreciate that very much. I'm glad to be back. I'll be able to get myself back together now." This was not entirely true, but it seemed unkind to say so to Miss Barry, who was an exceptionally motivated student of hers. It was good to know that she had been missed by her students, but everything still felt wrong. Since she had landed in Florida, she had felt out of place, as though she was only pretending to be something she was not. Dawn loved Florida, she had friends her, and a job she enjoyed, but she still felt wrong, as though there was no point in keeping up her ruse any longer. Was that all that her life here had been?
These disturbing thoughts still plagued her that evening as she stood, feet in the warm Atlantic and the setting sun on her back, trying not to feel. She held in her hands a letter of condolence that had been delivered by post owl earlier that evening.
Dear Dawn,
I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. It seems so unfair to that he was taken for you so suddenly, and so soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you pass through this difficult time. I regret that I did not see you while you were in London to offer my condolences in person. Remember that I will always be here should you need someone to talk to. With deepest sympathy,
Your friend and teacher,
Aurora Sinistra.
Dawn had received countless sympathy cards, but none had touched her as much as this letter from her former Professor. It had been almost ten years since she had last seen her former teacher and mentor in the Order, and it brought tears to her eyes that she still cared enough about her to send this letter. Professor Sinistra had always been there for her, when her mother died when she was 14, and when they fought side by side at the final battle. Sinistra had been one of the only magical people she knew who supported her decision to pursue a university education, and she had written her excellent letters of recommendation. She had been much more than a teacher to her, and her letter made her think.
She had friends and a life in Miami, but this letter made her see how false it was. None of her muggle friends knew much about her other than she was an Astronomy Professor, originally from England. They didn't know about her love for flying, the thing she missed most about the magical world, that she had first fallen in love with the stars on top the highest tower of Hogwarts at midnight, or that she still had nightmares about the war. Kenny was the only person who knew that some nights she would still wake up screaming as if she was reliving the terror. And now that he was gone, there was nobody here who knew the real her. They only saw the façade that she so meticulously constructed. She had been happy, so happy to live this simple life, but she couldn't live it alone. She needed to mourn. She needed to get away, and to get a fresh start.
It was then and there that she decided to move back to England. Her family was there, after all, and maybe, just maybe, it would be good to be around other witches and wizards again. She could be herself, fully herself again. She had never disliked the magical world, she had simply loved Kenny more, and now that he was gone, she could think of no place she would rather be. She felt that wand tucked in her sleeve, even after more than a decade in the muggle world, she still was never without it. It would be good to go back.
She turned and began to make her way back to home. She had several letters to write. One to the dean of the College, informing him that she will be leaving her position at the end of the term; one to a realtor, requesting that her house be placed on the market; and one to Professor Sinistra, thanking her for her sympathy, and informing her that she would be back in England this June.
June 8, 2010
Dawn woke up to the sound of an owl tapping on the bedroom window of her small flat in London. She had been back in England only a few days, and she had already run into several of her old friends. Walking down Diagon Ally the previous day, she had been stopped by no fewer than twelve acquaintances, all of whom seemed equally surprised and delighted to see her. She had run into even more of her old Oxford friends when she had arrived at the university to submit her name for a teaching position. The Oxford campus was unchanged, as though frozen in time. It was the magical world, especially Diagon Ally that shocked her.
The Ally itself was much different than she remembered. In the twelve years that had passes since the war, the Magical community seemed to have revitalized itself. There were no more wanted posters, or death eaters hiding in the shadows. The afternoon outing had put Dawn in a surprisingly good mood. She had been forced to explain to most of the people she talked to the unfortunate reason for her return to England, and somehow talking about it seemed to life some of the weight off of her shoulders.
She walked over to her window, wondering who was writing her at this ungodly hour. Dawn was shocked to find that the letter was form her former head of house, Professor McGonagall, inviting her to tea. Dawn found this a little odd, she had not seen of spoken to McGonagall in more than ten years, but she sent her acceptance back with the owl anyway.
One o'clock that afternoon found Dawn standing at the gates of the school, gazing up at Hogwarts Castle. The last time she had seen the castle, it had been in shambles, following a great battle, but it too, seemed to have healed itself over the years. As she walked up the familiar sloping lawns she saw students taking in the sunshine and warmth of the afternoon. It seemed so long ago that she had been the one lounging by the lake. And it had been a different time, the cloud of war had hung overhead, and all of the magical world lived in fear. She wondered if she were just striking out into the world now, would she have ever left the magical community?
She found her way easily to the headmistress's study; it seems the halls of Hogwarts are something that you never forget. The gargoyle guarding the entrance moved aside before Dawn even had the chance to open her mouth, and she ascended the moving stairway. She smiled, because it reminded her a great deal of the escalators in muggle malls. She knocked once, and McGonagall's voice rang out from inside, telling her to enter.
"Ah, Dr. Sapling, I'm so glad you're here please sit, make yourself at home, help yourself to a ginger newt."
"I'm very glad to be here, thank you so much professor." Dawn smiled at the formality of the conversation, they may very well have been student and teacher again.
They talked for well over an hour about all that had happened in both of their lives over that past twelve years. Dawn was relieved to be able to talk to someone who knew what she was going through, McGonagall, too had lost her husband, and she seemed to know just the thing to say to make Dawn feel better. However, Dawn was relieved when the conversation turned away from Kenny and on to her career plans.
"I've had an interview at Eaton already, and I have one scheduled at Oxford next Tuesday. I just hope some university takes me, there just isn't that much work out there for an astronomer." Dawn took a sip of her tea and continued, "The universities are really my best option."
"I wonder if you might consider taking a position here at Hogwarts. I am in desperate need of an Astronomy professor for next year, Professor Sinistra has already delayed her retirement two years. I don't think that there is a more qualified witch or wizard out there. You not only have an outstanding NEWT in Astronomy; you have more than ten years of study and a PhD. to boot." Professor McGonagall looked hopefully at Dawn and then smiled, "I must confess that this was part of the reason that I asked you here to tea today. I'm sorry if you feel that I have ambushed you. You may certainly have all the time you need to think it over."
Dawn was shocked, she had never considered that she could teach at Hogwarts. The idea was quite appealing, Dawn loved being a teaching, and at Hogwarts she wouldn't have to hide anything. Plus, at Hogwarts she was the head of her own department, and she could teach her students whatever she saw fit.
"I'll do it." Dawn replied, shocking both McGonagall and herself. "I look forward to returning to Hogwarts. I'm certain that this is the best offer that I will receive."
"Wonderful!" answered McGonagall, "Term ends next week, and Professor Sinistra will be leaving soon after, you can move in then."
Still not entirely sure of what had just happened, Dawn left the Headmistresses office. If nothing else, the reason for the impromptu tea invitation had been revealed. Dawn had to laugh at herself for not realizing the purpose of the meeting when the note arrived. While she and Professor McGonagall had always been on good terms, she was hardly a teacher one would expect to share a cup of tea with out of the blue.
Dawn did not head straight for the exit, rather she made her way from the heads office to the astronomy department. She hoped to find Professor Sinistra so she could tell her that she had just agreed to be her replacement. Dawn had always been close to Sinistra, and she wanted to speak with her about everything that had happened. However, Dawn was unable to find her, and after a half hour of searching, she decided to go home, and simple send her an owl instead.
June 20, 2010
Dawn walked up sloping lawns to Hogwarts Castle in the warmth and sunshine of early summer, her trunks hovering beside her a foot off the ground.
"Good morning Dr. Sapling," Professor McGonagall greeted her brightly, "I hope that you had a pleasant trip."
"Yes, the night bus was quite exciting," replied Dawn, who still felt a little queasy from the ride.
"Well I'll show you to your rooms and you can get settled in before lunch then?"
"Yes that would be lovely thank you."
Dawns rooms were in a tower a corridor away from the staffroom and up a flight of spiral stairs; the entrance was concealed behind the portrait of a young witch gazing up at the stars. The portrait swung open to reveal a small circular apartment. There was a kitchenette with a small table on one side, several empty bookshelves and a desk on another, and a sofa and two overstuffed chairs by a fireplace. On the other side of the room, across from the door was a brass, spiral staircase that led, presumably, to the bedroom above. It was a lovely apartment, with massive arched windows that afforded Dawn a breath taking view of the lake, grounds, and likely the stars at night.
"This is beautiful," remarked Dawn, taking in the marvelous view.
"I'm glad you like it, the Astronomy professor has occupied this apartment for as long as I've been here, you all seem to appreciate the view."
"It truly is breathtaking, I'm going to set up one of my telescopes looking right out of that window."
"Well I'll let you get settled then, I'll see you at lunch."
Unpacking her belongings didn't take long at all. With a wave of her wand, cloths were in the wardrobe and books were on the shelves. She did take some care unpacking her telescopes, which took a full trunk for themselves. The first case she pulled out contained the brass telescope that she had purchased for school when she was eleven. She had used it only for recreational star gazing since she left Hogwarts, she had spent many a night with Kenny gazing through that telescope. It was such a strange thing to bring tears to her eyes, but it held so many memories along with it. She could recall, clear as day, the time that she and Kenny had gone out to the everglades to see the stars, because there simply weren't any in Miami. How they drove out rout 41 until the only thing they could see in any direction was grass and water. How the stars were so bright that it seemed that they could reach up and touch the milky-way. How they both used a full can of bug repellant and still got bitten. And, how they spent the entire night together in the back of the car. Dawn put the telescope on a tripod and aimed it out the window, wiping away her tears; she would have to wait until the stars came out to check the alignment of the lenses anyway.
Her belongings unpacked, and still over an hour to lunch, Dawn decided to take a look at the Astronomy department. The classroom at the base of the Astronomy Tower was just as she remembered it, a semicircular room, with the desks arranged facing the projection screen and blackboard. On the walls were star charts, and atlases of different planets, and hanging from the ceiling was a model of the solar system. Moving one floor up the brass, spiral stairs in the center of the almost hollow tower Dawn found her office. The office was accessed by a metal bridge that lead from the landing over to the side of the tower, above the classroom, a rather precarious perch. She recalled being rather uneasy crossing the narrow walkway over the abyss that lead down to the dungeons when she visited the office in her first year. She walked, unfazed, over the bridge, and entered the office; her office, she reminded herself. The walls and shelves were bare and the fireplace stood cold and empty; yet, the room was not uninviting. It was relatively large, and it had several windows. It was certainly much nicer than her office at the university, which had been little more than a repurposed broom closet in the basement. Dawn smiled to herself and exited the office; she continued the long climb up the tightly spiraling stairs.
Finally, she reached the top of the tower. The view over the battlements was even more spectacular than she remembered. She could see the entire grounds, and far up into the mountains. As she stood, gazing out at the lake, Dawn was accosted by vivid memories of the last time she was on top of the Astronomy Tower.
She had been with a group of student fighters, Kingsley Shackelbolt and Professor Sinistra trying to shoot curses into the seething battle bellow. Within an hour, death eaters had fought their way up the tower, and a massive duel ensued. Two students were killed in minutes, Colin Creavy and Anthony Hopkins. Dawn was fighting three at once when the tower began to quake. The death eaters flew away, bat like just as their master was, as the tower began to fall. It was such a long way down, with debris and stone falling all around; even at the time it seemed surreal. It was only a cushioning charms that saved Dawn. All but three of the students were killed in the fall, and those who did survive were buried in the rubble. Dawn, Kingsley, and Professor Sinistra struggled for over an hour, trying to free the students, but in the end, all was lost. The faces of those fifteen students still haunted Dawn, and standing on the top of the tower brought all of the memories back to her. The tower was long since rebuilt, and it was hard to believe that such a beautiful place could harbor such a devastating past. If Dawn were religious, she may have offered a prayer for those students, but she wasn't, so she only stood in silence to honor their memory.
Dawn was shaken from her reverie by a familiar voice.
"I thought I might find you up here…". Dawn turned to see Professor Sinistra walking toward her, smiling arms wide open.
"Professor!" Dawn exclaimed walking to meet the older woman in embrace. "It really has been far too long. How good it is to finally see you!".
"Yes, yes. I wondered what ever happened to you after all these years. I haven't seen you since you got married and moved to America. I'm very glad that you agreed to come back to Hogwarts and teach." replied Professor Sinistra jovially.
"So am I. This is really what I need just now, a change of scene, a fresh start."
"I'm so sorry that you're beginning this chapter of your life on such a melancholy note. I was so shocked when I heard what had happened; I regret that I missed the funeral, but I only heard after the fact."
"Don't worry about it, I doubt I would have noticed either way. And, your letter was wonderful, it really got me thinking about my life, and made me come back to the magical world."
"I'm glad it did you some good," Professor Sinistra said a little sadly, "Heaven knows that this was all a cruel trick of fate."
"I feel that way sometimes," answered Dawn, fighting back tears, " I feel like I was just too happy to be allowed, and something had to come and take that away!". Tears were trickling down Dawns cheeks now, and she wiped them away in frustration, she did not want to cry now. Professor Sinistra placed a consoling hand on her shoulder.
"Shh, everything will get better, I promise. It seems terrible now, and it is, but the wound will heal in time." Professor Sinistra conjured a handkerchief and gave to Dawn.
"Thank you," Dawn answered, wiping her eyes, "I know I'm being silly, but I just can't get used to things without him. I can't sleep without him beside me, and I have more and more nightmares, about thunderstorms, and losing him, and even about the war." Dawn felt relieved to finally say what she had not been able to say to anyone else; even professor McGonagall who had been so consoling.
"Ah, so you still have dreams about that night as well." Professor Sinistra said with a knowing look.
"How do you stand teaching here? Aren't you haunted by the memories of that night, the faces of those students? Didn't you just want to get away?"
"I am still haunted. But time has dulled that too. And yes, I thought about leaving, but I had nowhere to go. So, I stayed and slowly learned to forgive myself. Over time I've come to realize that it wasn't our fault that those students died, and that there was nothing we could have done to save them."
"Yes, I realized that may years ago as well. I just don't think I will ever erase the image from my mind. And, as much as I do love it up her, it will always be sad to come here and remember. I guess it just seems like so much now, because I'm still grieving. But, somehow, I don't want it to go away, because if it does, it means that I've forgotten them. It's something I will always carry with me; just as I will always carry the loss of my husband."
"If you can live with that, you can be happy here, I promise you that."
The two witches stayed and talked for more than an hour, then drifted down to lunch.
December 10, 2010
Dawn stood, cloak wrapped tightly around her, and looked at the stars overhead. It was midnight, and the first years were trickling in for their weekly stargazing lesson. The night was clear, and the stars were exceptionally bright. She turned to face her class and began the lesson on star classifications. After 45 minutes, however, the wind off the frozen lake picked up, and Dawn decided to end the lesson early.
Despite the biting wind, Dawn stood there for some time after the grateful students had left. The Christmas Holiday began the following day, which meant the students would all be going home. Her first year as a Hogwarts teacher was nearly half finished. Dawn found herself wondering where the time had gone. She had enjoyed every minute she spent teaching. It had healed her in more ways than one. She had fewer and fewer dreams about the war, and she was beginning to come to terms with Kenny's death. Yes, returning to Hogwarts had been a very good decision.
As she stood looking at the stars, she thought of Kenny, and how he would have loved it up here. It broke her heart to think of Christmas without him. But somehow, looking up at the stars she was okay, because she knew that he was there.
Even before Kenny's death, Dawn had spent a great deal of time thinking about the universe. Though she was born and raised a Catholic, she had never truly believed, and had long since lost her faith. She didn't believe in God or Heaven or Hell; she was a scientist, and believe in only what she could justify through scientific principle. For Dawn, a person's essence was contained in the energy of the brain's chemical reactions. And, she knew that energy can't be destroyed. And in death, when the reactions cease, the energy of a person's being becomes a part of the entropy of the universe, along with all other unusable heat energy. It is at this point, that a person becomes part of something greater than themselves, part of everything that ever was or will be. There is no individual, and there is no sentience, there is only beautiful equilibrium.
Dawn never tried to speak with her dead husband, because she knew that he couldn't hear her, that he was part of something more now. Still, standing here and looking into the clear night, she felt the universe around her. Somewhere, in the great homogeny, was Kenny, and it was this knowledge that let her keep living.
As a she stood, lost in thought, she reflected again on her decision to return to Hogwarts, to come back. She realized that coming her had allowed her to move on with her life. And, that she hadn't moved back, she had gone forward. And she would continue to do so, until she, too became part of the entropy of the universe.
**author's note: Anything you recognize is the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers.
***The views expressed at the end of the story are mine, and do not reflect the opinion of JKR or WB. If you find them offensive, I apologize, and remind you that I'm not asking you to agree with me. Please leave a review to voice concerns.
**dedication: This story is dedicated to my Biology teacher. Thank you for encouraging my love of science. You have enlightened me in ways you will never know, and irrevocably altered my perceptions of the universe. Though you will probably never read this, I hope will realize how truly inspirational you are.