Once Upon a Time parody: Crazy of the Lake
Apologies to Disney/ABC, as well as to any other companies whose characters I use in this story. But as a parody, this work is protected as fair use under U.S. copyright law. But unfortunately, even this work might not be exempt from Sturgeon's Law...
On that note, on with the parody!
Once upon a time (well, of course), Prince Charming and Snow White were holding a meeting in a tent to discuss their plans for battle against King George's army, when in ran Little Red Riding Hood very urgently.
"What's up, Red?" said Charming.
"Just checking to see if our pizza had come yet, but also to warn you that King George's army is coming for us! We need to move camp!"
"No, we said we'd fight King George's army, and we can't do that with our tails between our legs!"
Red cast a glance at Charming.
"No offense," he said.
"But now, they have a new general, called the Leviathan!"
"Dun dun dunnnn...!" sang a choir in the distance.
"They say he creeps up on you like a sea monster."
"How close is his army?" asked Snow. But barely had she spoken than an arrow from the outside landed on their table...with a pizza box skewered on it.
"Great, our pizza's here!" said Charming. But then another arrow without anything attached to it landed right next to the pizza.
"It's them!" shouted Red. Everybody ran out to take on the Leviathan's army.
"Attack! Attack!" said Charming. But then a bunch of more horsemen arrived. "Retreat! Retreat!" he said.
"Let's split up," said Snow.
"Great idea, Snow," said Charming. "See you later, hun!"
"Wait, what?"
"Well, you said to split up."
"Yeah, but I thought we'd be staying together, at least."
"C'mon, this way you'll get to meet my mom and everything."
"Sure, sounds good. See ya!"
Snow then took to fleeing from the army, but try as she could, she couldn't outrun the Leviathan. She even tried to throw a banana peel on the ground to make him slip, but to no avail. He pulled her to the ground, and she was now face to face with the Leviathan.
"Dun dun dunnnn..." sang the choir.
"What kind of general hides behind a mask?" said Snow. "Who are you?"
The Leviathan pulled off his mask to reveal the face of none other than Weird Al Yankovic.
"You're Weird Al?" said Snow.
"No, not really, that's another mask." He then pulled off his second mask to reveal himself to be Sir Lancelot.
"Lancelot?"
"Yessir. And now you are my prisoner. Mwahahaha!"
Back in modern-day Fairy Tale Land, Emma, Mary Margaret, and Cora were trapped in a pit. Emma had decided it was too boring to stand around in a pit doing nothing, so she decided to play cards with Cora.
"Got any twos?" said Emma.
"Nope, go fish."
"Emma, what are you doing?" said Mary Margaret. "That's Regina's mom, and as evil as you think Regina is, she's even worse!"
"Worse at cards, maybe, but she seems pretty friendly."
"Oh Snow, you know I'd never do anything to hurt either of you. As for Regina, don't worry, the apple fell far from the tree. No pun intended, hehe."
"You see, Snow?" said Emma. "Nothing to fear from her, even though my inner lie detector is going off like crazy! Plus, I bet you're just afraid to play cards because you'd get your butt kicked!"
"Yeah right, watch this!" said Mary Margaret. "Cora, got any...queens?"
"Nooooo! You win!"
Just then, somebody threw a rope down to them.
"Nice!" said Emma. "Let's head up, Snow! You coming, Cora?"
"Emma...!" Snow whispered.
"Nah, I can just apparate out of here. Which I probably should've done a long time ago. See ya!" Cora was gone in a poof of purple smoke.
"Oh well, let's just head on up," said Emma.
Later that day, Emma and Mary Margaret were attending a special feast with Lancelot. Emma didn't recognize one of the meats, so she asked what it was.
"It's chimera," said Lancelot.
"Ew," said Emma, "sounds like some weird intestine disease."
"It's an animal that's part lion, part serpent, and part goat."
"Like spam? Who knows what junk they put in that meat!"
After they had finished their food, Snow told Lancelot she and Emma needed to get going so they could find a portal back to Storybrooke.
"Storybrooke? Heh heh, what a great name for a town of storybook characters!"
"If you think that's a nice coincidence of a name, then you should hear the names of some of the people in the town!" said Emma.
"Fine, you can go," said Lancelot, "but there are ogres in the forest. You'll need our bravest warrior, Mulan, to go with you."
Mulan, however, happened to be taking a nap at the time.
"MULAN! Wake up!" yelled Lancelot.
"Zzzz - huh, what, is it dinner time yet?" she said.
Back in Fairy Tale Land past, Lancelot brought Snow before King George, who had an evil smirk on his face. Lancelot handed her a goblet of what looked like wine. She took a sip.
"Let me tell you about true love," said King George. "Once upon a time, I had somebody I loved, but then she was forced to drink a potion that made her unable to bear a child. And ever since that day that I had my happiness taken from me, I vowed to make everybody else drink that potion, so they can be as miserable as me! Mwahahahahaha - cough cough cough!"
"Here, you need a drink?" said Snow, handing him the goblet.
"Sure, thanks." He took a sip. "Aw man, I just cursed myself again!"
"Someone oughta fire this fan fiction writer," said Snow, "because these jokes are getting awful!"
Back in Storybrooke, Jefferson was looking at a picture of his daughter when Henry came up to sit with him.
"Hey, Jefferson," he said.
"Hey, Henry! A very happy un-birthday to you!"
"Uh, what?"
"Nothing, except that I'm in the mood for bacon!"
"What does that have to do with - hey, is that a picture of your daughter?"
"Yup, I was hoping to invite her over for tea this afternoon! But she doesn't drink tea, she likes to make sandcastles out of it and then knock them down with a sheet of paper!"
"Are you feeling okay, Jefferson?"
"Never better! But they don't call me the 'Mad' Hatter for nothing!" He then started skipping down the street, singing "Boom Boom, Ain't It Great to Be Crazy."
"Guess I'll have to pay him back his 40 bucks another time," said Henry.
Back in Fairy Tale Land of the past, Charming was staying at his mother Ruth's place when King George's army showed up. Charming then took to fighting the soldiers. In the middle of the fight, Ruth got hit by an arrow from one of King George's men.
"Nice going, Andy, you just hit an innocent lady!" said one of the soldiers. "We're supposed to be aiming for Charming!"
"Well, it's not my fault I'm horrible I'm at shooting arrows!" said Andy, before shooting off another arrow that hit one of the other soldiers.
Charming proceeded to hand all the soldiers a massive butt-kicking, all except for Andy, who he spared. "He couldn't hit an apple with an arrow if it was right in front of his nose," he said. "Oops, almost forgot about my mom! How are you doing?"
"Not so good, sweetie," she said. "But on the bright side, if it wasn't for the Principle of Evil Marksmanship, we'd both be dead right now!"
In Fairy Tale Land present, Emma, Mary Margaret, and Mulan were walking through the forest during the night, when they heard a sound off in the distance.
Emma was frightened. "You don't think that could be...ogres, do you?"
"Not sure," said Mary Margaret. "We'll have to keep an eye out."
The sound got closer and closer, and everyone got frightened.
"Run!" said Mulan. Everyone started to run away, but along the way, Emma tripped and fell. The footsteps kept getting closer and closer, and soon, Emma was face-to-face with a hideous, three-story-tall ogre.
"How many times do I have to tell you humans, stay out of my swamp!" said Shrek. "Jeez!" He then turned and walked away.
"Whew, that was a relief!" said Emma. She then ran to catch up with everybody.
Back in Fairy Tale Land past, Lancelot and Snow had come to check on Charming and his mother, who appeared to be dying from the wound. Charming told them that they might be able to heal Ruth, if they went to Lake Nostos, a lake with magical powers which, if one drinks of its water, can return to them something that they have lost.
"Like the 1945 World Series?" said the Chicago Cubs.
"Not that kind of losing," said Charming. "I mean losing something like a long-lost toy, or else a person you love, or your youth, etc."
"Sounds great," said Lancelot. "Charming and I will go scout ahead to make sure the coast is clear, and then we can go. And by 'scout ahead' I mean leave you two alone to allow for a dramatic moment of high importance to the plot of the episode!" He and Charming then went to scout ahead.
"Even though I hardly know you," said Snow, "I thought I'd tell you I was cursed by King George to never bear a child."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie, I know many people who have been cursed by him. Like my nephew, who got a bad case of flatulence for a week! But if the water at Lake Nostos is as powerful as Charming says, then it should be able to heal you too."
Soon, Charming and Lancelot came back, and soon everybody left for Lake Nostos. When they got there, they saw that all the water was gone.
"Where's all the water?" asked Snow.
"Uhhh...let's just say I got a little thirsty the last time I was here," said Charming.
"You what?" said Snow.
"Look, there's still a little water left!" said Lancelot.
"Great, we'll be able to heal my mom!" said Charming.
"Awesome, let's have her drink it so she can heal!" said Snow.
Back in Storybrooke, Henry was staging a protest against this story for having a bunch of snippets from Fairy Tale Land past and present, but only one part in Storybrooke (not counting right now). "What happened to the part where I trick Regina into thinking I'm having lunch with her when I'm actually looking for her vault? Or the part where I find her vault but then David catches me? And while I'm on the subject, what happened to Aurora? Shouldn't she be in the story?"
Regina called for Henry from a distance. "Henry, I've made some pie for you! Don't worry, it's not apple."
"Pie? Nice! I'll resume this protest later. See ya!"
Back in Fairy Tale Land present, Emma, Mary Margaret, and Mulan arrived at Snow's old castle. They went up to Emma's old nursery room in search of the portal back to Storybrooke.
"Look, I found a portal here on the wall!" said Mary Margaret. Everyone peered through the portal to see what was on the other side.
"Nice going, dimwit," GLaDOS said to Chell, "you just shot a portal out the window not knowing where in the world it would land. For all we know, it could have landed in a faraway realm with witches, wizards, and ogres who can now cross back through to our world. This act of sheer stupidity validates your parents' decision to abandon you at birth."
"Oops, wrong portal," said Mary Margaret.
"Look, there's another one behind the wardrobe, and it leads back to Storybrooke!" said Emma. "We just need to figure out a way to move this thing out of the way."
"Hey, what's up, guys?" Lancelot popped in.
"Where did you come from, anyway?" asked Emma.
"Just coming to help you guys get back to Storybrooke. Not that I was following you around or anything."
"Okay, sure. By the way, wanna play cards?"
"Sure!"
"All right, got any queens?"
"Aw man, here you go."
As Emma took the cards into her hand, she noticed something unusual. "How come on the queen of hearts card, you've drawn a bunch of arrows pointing to the queen saying 'That's me'?"
"Because that's not really Lancelot!" said Mary Margaret, realizing what was going on. "Nice try, Cora, but you can come out of your disguise."
Lancelot then shapeshifted back to his true form, Cora. "Guess I made it too obvious," she said.
"So this whole time, you were pretending to be Lancelot?" asked Emma.
"Yup, killed the schmuck years ago. Never saw it coming."
"This whole time, you tried to trick us into thinking you were Lancelot to take advantage of us!" said Mary Margaret. "You were a wolf in sheep's clothing!"
Little Red Riding Hood cast a glance at Mary Margaret.
"No offense," said Mary Margaret.
"Yes I did," said Cora, "and now I'm going to use the portal to get back to Storybrooke and wreak some major havoc there! Mwahahaha! Now it's time for you to die!"
Emma, Mary Margaret, and Mulan then began to fight against Cora. During the fight, Emma decided to set fire to the portal back to Storybrooke to keep Cora from getting through. "I know I'm about to torch our only way home, but at least she won't be able to get through!"
Soon, Cora gained the upper hand, and began to choke Mary Margaret.
"You'd better stop, Cora," said Emma. "You realize you're outnumbered, right?"
"Yes, but I still have magic, and you don't!"
"Let go of her, or I'll...I'll..." Just then, she had an idea. "...or I'll paint your roses red!"
"Noooo! Not my roses!"
"Rose number 1, say hello to your new best friend, Red Paint! And how about if I dunk your buddy, Mr. Daffodil, in yellow paint?"
"No! Stop! Fine, I'll stop fighting, just leave my roses alone!"
"Good."
Cora released her grip on Mary Margaret and disappeared in a puff of purple smoke.
"Never thought watching Alice in Wonderland when I was little would actually come in handy someday," said Emma.
Back in Fairy Tale Land past, Charming, Snow, and Lancelot were mourning the death of Ruth.
"But wait, I thought she drank the water from Lake Nostos," said Snow.
"Nope, apparently she drank some Kool-Aid instead. She left the water for you," said Charming.
"She didn't have to sacrifice herself for me, just so I could overcome the curse - oops, did I say curse? I meant, I forgot my purse!"
"I didn't know you had a purse," said Charming.
"That's because I'm always forgetting it! Anyway, I might as well drink the water if your mom isn't around to drink it." She did.
"Hey, check this out," said Charming. "This necklace will swing north to south if we're going to be having a boy, and east to west if it's a girl." He swung it, and it went some random direction, which could've been either north-south or east-west, who knows.
"Yes! I'm going to be having a baby! Thank goodness!" said Snow.
"I haven't seen anybody this excited about the mundane since the end of It's a Wonderful Life," said Charming.
In present-day Fairy Tale Land, soon after Emma, Mary Margaret, and Mulan had left Snow's old castle, Cora re-apparated in Emma's nursery room.
"So I may have failed to get through the portal, but at least - wait, there's still another portal in the room! I might still be able to make it back to Storybrooke yet!"
She then crossed through the portal, but then promptly realized, "Wait a minute, this isn't Storybrooke!"
"Well well well," said GLaDOS, "looks like we have a new test subject!"
"Oh crap."