Disclaimers: I don't own Relic Hunter or its characters and make no money from my fanfic. However, please do not reproduce this story without my permission.

Okay, so the here's my little effort for another challenge: Claudia, Nigel and a Love Letter. If anybody would like to correct my obscenely poor Spanish, please do - but there is an excuse for it at the end of the story, promise.

For those of you following 'Elysian Fields' I'm just editing the next few chapters, and there will be more up this weekend.

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Bad Translation

by Katy

Claudia stared at the letter in her hands, puffed out her cheeks and blew a long, perplexed breath.

The paper was a sexy, masculine shade of baby-blue and it reeked of cheap, fruity, slightly stale aftershave. It was written in a beautiful, neat curvy hand and was signed with three kisses and a little stylised heart.

She was sure it contained a declaration of love from a gorgeous Mediterranean hunk - but she couldn't read a word of it! It was kind of romantic that of the man of her dreams spoke only Spanish, but this was just plain annoying! Where were Sydney and Nigel when she really needed them??

She couldn't get hold of Sydney. She was meeting a contact at a nearby bar about finding the golden codpiece of Henry VIII and her cellphone was off. Claudia hadn't even realised the ugly, ginger king-guy even liked fishing! How could he have had time between chopping off all those poor wives' heads? As for Nigel, she had not a clue where he was but she'd been calling and calling.

Then, suddenly, the phone rang. Her heart leapt and she answered it in an instant.

'Ancient Studies!'

'Thank God!' Nigel's distinctive voice was rather breathless. 'Claudia this is an emergency!'

'Too right it is! You're going to listen to me right now and translate this letter or I might just die of anticipation.'

'Claudia, you've got to get Sydney this instant…'

'No can do. She's meeting the fishing-man, remember?'

'Fishing?' Nigel swallowed his confusion. 'Okay then, you're going to have to get a message to her urgently…'

'No! You have to listen to me, urgently!' demanded Claudia. 'I'm not doing anything for you until you've translated my love letter!'

'Your love letter?! No, really this is…'

'You haven't even said please, Nigel! That's not like you - in fact, it's rude! Right, okay here's the first line….'

'Claudia,' hissed Nigel. 'I really can't right now, you see…'

'La la la - not listening! Not going to listen to a word you say, Nigel Bailey, until you've translated my letter!'

There was a mumbling, and a slight scuffle in the background. Claudia didn't hear any of it because she was still blithely singing.

'Okay,' seethed Nigel after a moment. 'Give me the translation.'

'It starts something like this: "Usted tiene ojos azules hermosos. Brillan como los zafiros en el océano.''

Nigel groaned, and not just at Claudia's appalling Spanish accent: 'You have beautiful blue eyes. They shine like sapphires in the ocean.'

'I like it!' grinned Claudia. 'Here's the next bit: 'Su pelo es como ondas de la sol pura.''

'Your hair is like waves of pure sunshine… Claudia, how much more of this is there?'

'Just two more lines, Nigel. Patience is a virtue, remember? Okay: 'Te quiero del fondo de mi alma. Deseo besarle todo sobre su pequeño cuerpo rosado.''

'I love you from the bottom of my soul. I want to kiss you all over your pink little body.' Nigel sounded as if he wanted to be sick. 'Is that it?' he murmured.

'No way,' squealed Claudia, bouncing with an irrepressible joy. 'He loves me? How cool is that? I must reply instantly. What's the Spanish for 'I think you're the sexiest man ever, with the finest butt, and I want to make babies with you?''

Nigel sighed deeply. 'You'd better write this down: 'Estoy en un edificio del almacén en la calle de Sevilla. Estoy en el segundo cuento. La ventana está abierta.'

'Oh!' Claudia scrunched her nose as she copied it down phonetically. 'It doesn't sound very romantic! If you've got this wrong…'

'It's not wrong!' half-shouted Nigel. 'Now will you listen to me?'

'All right, all right, keep your pants on. What's so all-important, anyway?'

'Tell Sydney, that if she doesn't bring the golden codpiece to an as yet unspecified location within 48 hours, the hulking great Neanderthal, who has currently got me tied to a chair, is going to chop me up into little pieces and feed me to the fishes. That's the same, slightly confused, hulking Neanderthal to whom I have just declared my undying love and requested to kiss all over. Got it?'

'Whoops!' squeaked Claudia, raising her fingers to her lips in alarm.

'You could say that!' spluttered Nigel. Then the line went dead.

……………………………..

'Claudia, you've got to think carefully!' demanded Sydney. 'Did he give you any sort of clue as to where he was being held?'

'No!' she wailed. 'Oooooh, this is terrible. How was I supposed to know he was kidnapped?'

'It isn't your fault - well, maybe a little - but just concentrate. Was there anything at all?'

'Just the translation he gave me for my letter to Pedro… I scribbled it down here.'

She passed Sydney a notepad who instantly translated the Spanish, despite its dubious spelling.

'I'm in a warehouse building on Seville Street, second floor, the window is open! This is it… come on Claudia. Let's go get Nigel.'

……………………………….

Claudia was rather sheepish as they drove back to the University, although Sydney had successfully rescued Nigel, clobbered the bad guy, and retrieved several million pounds worth of stolen relics to boot.

'Sorry Nigel,' she said at length. 'Next time you say it's urgent I promise I'll believe you - even if it is a love letter emergency.'

'I'd appreciate that,' he replied graciously. 'I'd rather not have to declare undying love to my kidnapper ever again. Even with Derek, I draw the line there.'

'Sorry,' repeated Claudia, scrunching her nose. 'I'll try and think of a way to make it up to you.'

'Oh, no hard feelings. I'll even help you write a proper love letter to Pedro.'

'Would you, Nigel. That's sweet… oh my god!'

'What is it?' asked Sydney.

'It's Pedro! I emailed Nigel's original Spanish translation. He'll think I want to meet him at the warehouse – we gotta go back!'

Sydney screeched the car into a U-turn and drove at breakneck speed, but it was already too late. Pedro had waited ten minutes with a bunch of wilting flowers, and then decided Claudia must be making fun of him by sending him to an industrial estate. The flowers were in the bin, and the latest love of Claudia's life - really a Bostonian called George who spoke very poor Spanish - was already in pursuit of the next bubbly, blue-eyed, Spaniard-seeking beauty.

THE END

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