-Voldemort and Gollum in a slimy wet cave somewhere that's thankfully far away-
Gollum: Gollum, gollum, gollum!
Voldemort: Would you like a tissue?
Gollum hisses and recoils: Me thinks that old slimeball bald man likes our house... Gollum!
Voldemort chuckles evily: Acutally with a couple toss rugs and a few pillows it could be suitable to my taste... Provided wormtail was here for my amusement.
Gollum: Does this wormtail man like riddles's?
Voldemort: No, I should think not. He is not very good at them.
Gollum: Does old slimeball bald man like riddles's?
Voldemort reclines on a slippery rock behind him: My name is Riddle.
Gollum squeals and crouches at his feet: I am a box with no latch, hinges or lid, yet golden treasure inside I hid?
Voldemort: An egg, of course. You know, we have much in common, my dear Smeagol.
Gollum: Gollum, gollum! I think nots.
Voldemort: Ah, but we do. You see, Smeagol...
Gollum waits quietly
Voldemort: You are my son.
-pause for not-so-shocked gasping-
Gollum: Why did slimeball bald man not tell us thisss?!
Voldemort: One does not simply poof into the Great Goblin's mountain.
Gollum: We sits here and eats fishes forever!
Voldemort: No, no... See, I have other duties to attend to.
Gollum is silent
Voldemort: There's this painful boy I have to kill. Plus your mother is very demanding...
Gollum: A mumsie?!
Voldemort: Ah, yes. Wonderful creature she is. You might of heard of her. She was in the Triwizard tournament last year. Scared the willies out of Potter in the lake.
Gollum: We haves not heard of her.
Voldemort: Oh well.
Gollum: We comes with you! Me and my precious!
Voldemort: You have a horecrux? Smeagol, you are your fathers son.
Gollum blinks at him: ... We comes with you!
Voldemort: Now is not the time. I have buisness, son.
Gollum: Gollum, gollum, gollum!
Voldemort: Don't cry. I have to go now, but I brought you a toy. He should be here soon. Goodbye, son.
Voldemort poofs away
-enter Bilbo Baggins-