A Three Hour Tour
"Wakka? Hey! Wake up!" Chappu kicked the bed until his brother tried to strangle him for waking him up before ten.
The older boy growled something unintelligible, something that could've been interpreted as a question.
"I need you to take me out somewhere on Dad's boat," Chappu said, making sure to keep a safe distance between the two of them. "There's someone I have to see."
"Take yourself out there!" Wakka grumbled. "You can drive–"
"Actually, I'm not allowed to anymore," Chappu said.
"Why?"
"Don't get all accusatory with me! Who's to say who's responsible for what? That's not important right now," Chappu said evasively. "Would you just do me this one teeny-tiny little favor– just once? I'll owe you– big-time!"
Since he was awake anyway, Wakka agreed to drive his brother out to…
"The middle of the Schwartzian Triangle. What's in the middle of the Schwartzian Triangle? I'm not going out there."
"You said you would so you can't back out now! Besides, it'll only take about three hours," Chappu pulled his brother towards their Dad's fishing boat.
"Hey Wakka!" Selphie called out across the docks. "Where you going?"
"The Schwartzian Triangle!" Wakka shouted back.
"Shut up!" Chappu shushed him. "Don't go blabbing it all over town!"
"Can we come?" Selphie yelled.
"Sure!" Wakka yelled back.
"No!" Chappu said, but it was too late. Selphie and Tidus ran down to the docks.
"Great," Chappu harrumphed, "Can't you go anywhere without your little baby friends?" Wakka decided not to bring up the fact that Chappu was barely older than Tidus.
"Hiya!" Sora popped up from behind some crates. "Heard you were going to the Schwartzian Triangle today."
"Yep!" Wakka said, "Wanna come with us?"
"Okay, I guess we could. Hey Riku! We're going shark fishing!" Riku came out of hiding with their fishing poles.
"And where's Kairi?" Chappu said with a resigned sigh.
"She got suspended again, so she has to repave the driveway today," Riku explained.
"What's the problem, Chappu? We've got room," Wakka said.
"Actually, I need to pick one other person up first," Chappu said quietly, his eyes shifting back and forth.
"Still plenty of room."
Chappu had him drive the boat around the island to a smaller, less-well-known natural dock.
"Now what?" Wakka muttered.
"Yer late," Praetor Baralai staggered out of the woods holding a Tom Collins.
"You're kidding me," Wakka said.
"What? Dad!" Riku stood up, mortified. "No!"
"You're not supposed to be drinking," Chappu admonished the Praetor and pushed him towards the boat.
"It's a special occasion, Lil' Guy. Oh, and other Lil' Guy is here," the Praetor mussed Wakka's hair. "And every damn kid on this island, too! You sure this is a good idea, bringing them along?"
"Listen I thought, y'know, since Wakka was book smart I could get away with having him drive–" Chappu explained.
"I coulda–"
"No. Just… no. Anyway, these guys all share a brain…"
"Jerk," Selphie said.
"It'll be fine," Chappu said miserably, "One big, happy family."
"Suuure it is," Riku muttered.
"Shut up you little weasel," Baralai snapped.
"Okay! That's everything– let's go!" Chappu clapped Wakka on the back.
"What do you mean by 'book smart'?" Wakka asked suspiciously.
"Wasting away again in Margaritaville–" the Praetor sang.
"What's with him?"
"None of your business," Riku said.
"Look," Chappu sighed. "Don't worry about him. Just take us out to the island and I'll make it worth your while."
Wakka blinked.
"Worth my while? Did you just offer to bribe me?"
"No! Of course I would never, ever…. Believe me, when I bribe you, you'll know it. Let's go!"
They sped over the calm sea quietly– except for the Praetor, who continued to sing. Sora and Riku cast their lines while Selphie surreptitiously went through their bag of snacks for something to drink.
"Some people say that there's a woman to blame…" the Praetor stopped.
"Uh-oh," Chappu said.
"Dad," Riku clenched his teeth.
"What? What's going on?" Wakka asked.
The Praetor burst into tears, it was the most embarrassing thing Wakka had ever seen a grown man do. He pretended not to notice.
"It's too much– I can't live without her!" the Praetor cried, and made as if to step over the side into the sea. Chappu caught him by the back of his robe.
"Aw, Big Guy, that's crazy; you don't need that two-bit prostitute back in your life," Chappu said gently.
Riku was on Chappu in an instant.
"Hey you two! Cut that out!" Wakka yelled at them. The boys fought furiously while the Praetor hung onto the side of the boat, weeping piteously. "Tidus, do something!"
"Nuh-uh, I'm not getting involved," Tidus shook his head.
"Nobody understands me!" Baralai whined. "Nobody loves me!"
"Hey!" Sora stood up, the line on his fishing rod pulled tight. "I got something! I got something!"
The fighting and the whining automatically came to a halt as everyone got up to give Sora advice on how to reel in a fish.
"Let the line out!"
"Reel it in!"
"No, let the line out stupid."
"Don't call me stupid, you dumbass!"
"Riku! There's something on your line!"
Both boys fought furiously with their fish while everyone on board (except for Selphie, who sat on the bow and just rolled her eyes and muttered something about boys) shouted and carried on until Sora finally pulled up a spiny dogfish onto the deck.
"Whee! A new record, and it's mine! All mine!" Sora hugged his flapping shark.
"Whoa! I think whatever Riku's got here is actually bigger," said Wakka, staring into the water.
"…Grumble…" Sora replied.
"Here it comes! Wow! It's... It... It's– Oh my god! It's BRUCE! Cut the line! Cut the line!" Wakka screamed.
The children all screamed as the giant Great White swam towards the boat, mouth gaping.
"Not the boat!" Wakka squeaked and crossed his fingers. Dad would kill him if he brought it back with a big bite taken out of it.
The Praetor suddenly leaped onto the railing, a neat trick for a deliriously drunk man on the sea, and glared at the shark.
"Oh no you don't, Beth, you had your chance–" he said.
"Dad, what are you doing?" Riku yelled.
"You want my son, well you can't have him– he's mine, understand! All mine!" He picked up a plank and took a swing at Bruce. "Get back to the briny deep with you, you bitch!" He hit Bruce squarely in the face. Twice. Bruce roared and dove down to safer depths, leaving the boat and it's crew alone.
"Chappu, what just happened?" Wakka asked.
"Let this be a lesson to you," Chappu said, "Women are dangerous."
"This is so embarrassing," Riku said. The Praetor started to do a victory dance.
"It's alright, you're among friends," Selphie said and patted his shoulder.
"Yeah, we're here for you," Sora said.
"Thanks everyone," Riku smiled and turned away.
Sora picked up his shark and mouthed to everyone 'New Record!' He pumped his fist.
An hour later…
"There she is!" Chappu jumped up and down and pointed to a tiny green speck on the horizon.
"It's not on the map," Wakka said.
"Sure it is!" Chappu said.
"That's exactly what they said to me when they stuck me on Destiny Island–" the Praetor sat up, wide-eyed, "Don't let them send you there! Flee! Flee! Do it for me!"
"It's a wonder Dad let you borrow the boat," Wakka ignored the Praetor.
"Heh-heh, isn't it?" Chappu's eyes shifted back and forth again.
"Hey, waitaminute! Did we just take the boat without asking?" Wakka gasped. "We did! Oh no!"
"Welcome to the world of crime," Chappu laughed.
"Don't you get what this means? Dad's gonna skin us alive! Then he'll hang us out to dry out in the sun, sprinkle liberally with salt and feed us to the neighbors!"
"Soooo?" Chappu looked at his brother blankly.
"You guys– shhh!" Sora shushed them. "You'll scare the fish!"
"Family affair. Just don't get involved," Selphie said out of the side of her mouth. Tidus nodded.
"You!" he yelled at the Praetor, "You're the adult here– tell me you put him up to this?"
"Put him up to what?" the Praetor stood up and instantly appeared sober, "Where have you taken me?"
"We've got an appointment, remember?" Chappu winked at the Praetor again.
"Stop that!" Wakka said. "Stop winking– people'll think you're funny or something."
"I just thought this would be fun for everyone. Is that so bad?" Chappu said quietly. He looked down at the deck and shuffled his feet.
"Hey. Are you calling me a woman?" the Praetor asked Wakka quietly, eyes narrowed, fists clenched.
"I didn't say– How does– What–" he sputtered. "Nevermind! Let's get this over with."
Wakka drove the boat all the way to the island's lagoon, where he dropped off his brother and his brother's slightly disturbed business partner. Sora and Riku put their fishing poles away.
"Oh boy, let's go exploring!" Tidus said.
"No!" Chappu and the Praetor said at once.
"It's much too dangerous," the Praetor said.
"But Chappu's going–"
"I've got experience handling things like this," Chappu swaggered. "I'm tough."
"Like a marshmallow," Wakka said.
"I'm…. I'm smart. Sly," Chappu continued.
"Well, so am I," Tidus argued.
"No," Chappu said with a theatrical sigh, "The peril is too great. You'd better stay here. Guard the women."
"Hey, that was directed at me, wasn't it!" Riku seethed. Chappu ignored him.
"Could you get us a little closer–"
"You can swim, you little brat," Wakka kicked him into the water.
"I don't think drunk people are supposed to swim," the Praetor said before Riku shoved him overboard.
"'Guard the women?'" Selphie sneered.
"Look! There's a lady on the shore!" Tidus said, he waved at the trees. Sora and Riku raced to the opposite side of the boat and searched the shore.
"I don't see anybody."
"She was right there!"
"The sun must be getting to you," Selphie said. "Here, have a drink."
"Where'd you get that Coo-coo Cola?" Sora asked suspiciously.
"I found it," Selphie said.
"And now the waiting game," Wakka sighed. He sat back and dozed off.
Wakka didn't notice when the Skipper and Gilligan showed up. The sound of the transmission in the engine being ground to itty-bitty bits woke him up.
"What are you doing!" he got up to confront the skinny man trying to steal his father's boat. "Stop that! Get out of here!"
"Gosh, I'm sorry," Gilligan apologized.
"Who are you?" Wakka reached for something heavy to brain them with if they turned out to be pirates. "Who is he?" he demanded of his friends. They were seated around the Skipper.
"Don't be alarmed," the Skipper held up his hands to show he meant no harm, "We were just wandering along and we overheard these charming little ladies arguing–"
"I'm not a girl," Riku growled.
"And we saw you guys sitting here. We couldn't be happier."
"They're castaways! Like Robinson Cuh-roo-so!" Tidus said.
"We just wanted to borrow your boat. See, we've been shipwrecked here for a long time."
"And?" Wakka prompted.
"We were hoping you'd give us a ride back to civilization," Gilligan said.
"Is this a joke? Did Chappu put you up to this?" Wakka asked suspiciously.
"This is no joke," the Skipper said. "Please! Help us."
"And you guys," Wakka turned on his friends "I go to sleep for a few minutes and you let some random strangers on board?"
"Listen son, if you rescue us, you'll be a hero!" the Skipper said.
"If you're not pirates, then why didn't you just wake me up?" Wakka reasoned, "Why did you just try to run off with my Dad's boat?"
They had the grace to look ashamed.
"You don't understand, we've had a lot of bad luck with would-be rescuers," the Skipper explained. "They'd promise to get help and never come back, or forget where the island is, or they'd be criminals on the run; you get the idea. Seems that something always gets in the way between us and freedom." The Skipper glared at Gilligan.
"I see," Wakka said.
"I believe them," Tidus said.
"What's the harm?" Riku asked. "What's one or two more passengers?"
"Oh, but there's seven of us," Gilligan said.
"We're not taking on seven strangers," Wakka said. "Period!"
"Why not?" Sora asked. Wakka pulled him aside.
"Does this not feel like a con job to you?" Wakka whispered. "We just invite their unseen friends on board and head out to open water, and next thing you know–" Wakka made a slashing motion at his throat.
"Look, we can make it worth your while," the Skipper finally said when he saw that he wasn't getting through to Wakka. "Mr. Howell–" Wakka cut him off.
"Are you attempting to bribe me, sir?"
That was twice in one day! What would people say?
The Skipper and Gilligan conferred briefly.
"We'll be right back," Gilligan said. The castaways jumped into the lagoon and floundered away.
"There's still the matter of Selphie drinking all our sodas," Riku said after the castaways disappeared from sight.
"Oh come on! How could I drink nine cans of soda without you noticing?" Selphie said.
"Okay, so maybe Tidus helped you drink them, but you are the one I caught sneaking the last one! So pay up!"
"No! I'm not paying for something I didn't take!"
There was a cry from the trees.
"We're back!" Chappu called, overly cheerful. He was running as fast as his short little legs could carry him. He dragged the Praetor after him and helped the older man climb back into the boat. Each threw a suitcase onto the deck. Chappu sported a garish lip print on his forehead. "So, anything happen while we were gone?"
The Praetor suddenly spun around, whipped out a pistol from his surcoat, and fired a couple of random shots into the trees.
Everyone goggled at them.
"Nah, just the usual weirdoes," Selphie said nervously.
"Get going," the Praetor ordered. "Or we're all going to die. Go. Now."
Wakka pulled up the anchor.
I'll send someone back, he thought.
The beginning of the return trip was completely silent.
Everyone kept staring the suitcases, which had a couple of stray bills hanging out the sides.
Finally, Selphie started in.
"So who's the lady, Chappu?" she teased.
"Woo-hoo! Look at loverboy!" Riku sang.
"What?"
Selphie pointed to the lip mark on his forehead. Chappu rubbed the lipstick off and laughed.
"You were right about this," the Praetor said to Chappu, "I do feel better."
"Told you! Let's see what the score is!" They got up and opened the suitcases.
"I'm a getaway driver," Wakka said faintly. "I'm an accomplice."
"Oh, Wakka, stop worrying," Selphie admonished.
"Wait," Tidus whipped around, "Did we just do something illegal?"
"I don't know," Wakka said. "Maybe?"
"That old geezer, cheated us!" Chappu jumped to his feet. He waved a wad of paper under the Praetor's nose. "This stuff is worthless! It's nothing! Why I oughta turn around and beat him with a rubber hose!" He threw the currency into the wind, (roughly three million American dollars in cash.) "At least this diamond necklace I ripped off the old lady is real."
"Good," the Praetor snatched the jewelry out of Chappu's hand, "this should just cover this month's alimony." For a moment a strange look came over the man, and the children were afraid he'd start bawling again. He suddenly smiled.
"Say, can I drive?" he asked sweetly.
Wakka shrugged and stepped aside. It might look better if the Praetor's driving when we get home, he thought. Besides, if you can't trust a man of god, whom can you trust?
He wandered over to Chappu.
"Hey, Chappu," the Praetor said, "Could you stand up please?"
"Okay," he said hesitantly, getting to his feet, "but why–"
The Praetor gunned the throttle, and both boys went tumbling off the back of the boat. When they surfaced, coughing up seawater, they could just make out the tiny, receding boat and hear the Praetor's raucous laughter fading over the sound of the wind.
"Gee," Wakka said when it became apparent that he wasn't coming back, "What a jerk."
"In business," Chappu said, and coughed, "Never trust anybody!"
"I don't want to hear it," Wakka objected. He didn't want to know what Chappu was doing or what happened. In his brother's case, the less he knew the better he felt.
They started to swim home.
It took them two hours.
They were both given a severe beating.
Incidentally, Wakka forgot all about Gilligan and Skipper.
Epilogue:
Duh–dum
"What's that noise?" Chappu paused during their swim home.
"You heard it too?" Wakka said.
Duhhhh–dum!
"Sounds like… music," Chappu said.
Duh-dum duh-dum DUH-dum duh-DUM–
"Where's it coming from?" Wakka wondered.
Behind them, the fin of a Great White Shark emerged from the sea as it came toward them. Both boys caught sight of it at the same time.
"BRUCE! YAAAAH!"
The End
AN: I heard Bob Denver (Gilligan, from Gilligan's Island) passed away this week, and I thought 'I always wanted to do a Gilligan's Island story.' (My ambitions are weird, so sue me.)
I also threw in a Jaws The Revenge reference– the crappiest film in the Jaws franchise. (That "duh-dum" business is my sad attempt to write the theme song in.) I'm a fan of crappy movies, there's a great webzine on crappy films over at Incidentally, Great Whites don't live in the tropics, they prefer the colder waters of the North Atlantic, and they certainly don't roar.
It's been years– years I say– since I've last seen the friendly castaways, so I was unsure how to write them. Was there enough Gilligan? Probably not. Was it cruel to have Chappu and Baralai rob the Howells? Maybe. Don't worry, their cash will inevitably end up washing back onto the island.