I was suffocating her she said. My overprotective, high anxiety ways have finally pushed her away. The dance was tonight and she said that we could go together but after that she wanted to take a "break". Just thinking it devastated me. I had put everything into being in love with Clare and that was clearly my mistake. I shouldn't have listened to Adam. I should have listened to my head and not my heart. I had completely lost it on Adam earlier when he came to check on me. I told him that I wasn't going to the dance. I couldn't. Seeing her dressed up and smiling knowing that she wasn't mine anymore would only make me feel worse.
On top of everything else today was Julia's death anniversary. I could barely get out of bed this morning after having nightmares the entire night. I could barely bring myself to visiting her grave but it was there I decided I couldn't go to the dance. Today marked the day that I had lost both the girls I was in love with. Both because of me. I had dressed up as if I was attending a funeral and had a picture of Julia and I tucked in my jacket pocket on one side while I had one of just Clare in the other pocket over my heart. I had known what I was going to do since I woke up this morning but I just had to go back one last time and visit all the places that ever meant something to me. Places I went with Julia...places I went with Clare...even places I went with Adam. I said my peace and thanked whoever for letting me make memories with all of them in those places before ending up at the piercing parlor Clare and I had gone on our first date. I was startled by someone shouting my name.
"ELI! ELI WAIT UP!" It was Adam. I shook my head. He had clearly gotten my message sooner than I had intended him to. He was already in his dance attire and looked winded from running as I wiped my face but I knew it wouldn't hide my blood shot eyes.
"I can't talk now Adam. Just go, it's over. All of it." I said defeated and he looked at me strangely.
"What the hell are you talking about? What's over?" Adam asked looking frightened.
"Everything. I ruined everything...again. I've got to get away from here. I'm like fire, I ruin everything I touch. I've lost any piece of who I was before her and now I'm a shell of a person without her." I leaned against Morty and felt Adam's eyes on me.
"So what? You're just going to leave? What about your parents? What about me? Don't we matter?" Adam said getting angry.
"You don't need me Adam. You have all these things going on with you now and my parents...they'd be better off anyway. I'm a fucking mess. Everyone would be better off." Eli shook his head and Adam laughed catching his eyes.
"I can't believe you. You aren't just giving up on yourself but you are giving up on all of us that care about you. All of us who sat and listened to you when you needed it, all of us who accepted you at face value when the world wouldn't and now you just...drop us? Eli, you're like a brother to me..." Adam threw his arms out and I turned around to look at him. I knew the only way I could get him to leave was to hurt him.
"YEAH WELL NEWS FLASH: I'm not. You have a brother and I don't care about any of this. I'm done with it. All of it. Caring about all of you has been a complete waste of time and I regret even trying to make it work. Just go and live your lie until it comes crashing down." I shouted at him. I watched his face recoil and take a step away from me and I could tell he was upset.
"Eli...where are you going to go?" Adam asked and I pulled out the pain pills that were in my jacket pocket.
"Somewhere not even heartache can hurt me." I stared at the bottle and Adam gasped but tried to cover it up.
"Wh-what? You mean...Eli you can't k-kill yourself." Adam tried to fight a tear but I watched it hit the ground.
"Don't tell me what I can do. You don't mean anything to me. Can't you get that through your head? Just leave me the fuck alone!" This time I screamed at him.
"Eli-" Adam could barely finish his sentence as I started screaming again.
"JUST GO! JUST GO!" I screamed until he started running back toward the Dot. I felt like I was caught in a tornado and I just wanted the pain to stop. I got into Morty and started driving around.
-Cut to the dance-
Clare stood near the doors waiting for Eli to arrive. She had freaked out on him about giving her space because of everything that had been going on. Her parents divorce finalizing, Eli's paranoia due to Fitz's return and his overall anxiety about Julia's death anniversary she just couldn't handle it. She was lost in her thoughts as Alli approached touching her arm softly.
"You look so pretty. Don't frown." Alli said with a frown. Clare tried to smile as she checked her watch.
"Eli was supposed to be here already." Clare glanced at the entrance and didn't see him.
"I thought you were breaking up?" Alli asked and Clare looked at her saddened just at the thought.
"I don't really want to break up. That's a bit brash. I just need space. Everything at home and everything with him and Fitz...it's just overwhelming and the more he pulls it's like her is just trying to swallow me whole to avoid feeling anything. I told him I'd be there for him but he's got to know trying to push those feelings down will only make him feel worse." Clare explained and Alli looked at her strangely.
"Does Eli know that?" Alli asked.
"I don't know. I just sort of freaked out and told him he was suffocating me. I sort of told him that after tonight we needed to go on a break." Clare made a face and Alli rubbed her forehead.
"Well no wonder the boys a no show. If this is the big breakup dance I'd hide out too." Alli said and Clare ran her hand through her hair.
"AH I know! I shouldn't have been so harsh with him especially today being Julia's death anniversary." Alli shook her head.
"I'm sure he is at home feeling sorry for himself. Maybe give him a call?" Alli suggested and Clare took out her phone just as the doors opened. It was Drew. He ran over to the both of them and Alli looked at him disgusted.
"Clare! Come quick!" Drew said out of breath.
"Why? What's wrong?" She asked with her phone still clutched in her hands.
"It's Adam. He's freaking out." Drew explained and Clare and Alli both ran out behind him to see Adam in shambles in the hallway.
"Adam, what happened?" Clare asked trying to get him to stop sobbing.
"Eli...he's going to...he's going to hurt himself." Adam said through tears. Clare felt her stomach drop.
"Wh-what?" She asked. Adam gestured to her phone.
"Read your messages. He has some sort of pills. I don't know what they are though." He said and she stood up to flip her phone open and read the most heart wrenching goodbye text. She couldn't even finish it as she started getting upset.
"Where is he Adam? WHERE?" Clare started freaking out and shook him by the shoulders.
"I don't know. He's driving around. I couldn't stop him." Adam dropped his face to his hands and Alli put her arm around him to comfort him. Clare stood up and looked at her phone.
"Drew, drive Adam to Eli's so his parents know what's going on. Alli call 911 and report him as a drunk driver." Clare ripped a flier off the bulletin board and pulled the pen from the wall to write his information with his license plate on it and handed it to her as she sprinted to the office. Clare tried to compose herself as she dialed his number over and over.
"Pick up Eli. Pick up the phone." Clare pleaded until she heard the line pick up but he didn't speak.
"Eli! Where are you? Are you okay?" Clare was pacing back and forth as she listened to him breath.
"Why would you care?" Eli spat nastily.
"What?" Clare asked and Eli sighed.
"Don't worry about it, Clare. You won't have to worry about me suffocating you anymore." He sounded upset but drowsy.
"Eli, where are you?" She asked again but could hear Morty's loud engine.
"Doesn't matter. I'm in Morty." She was so confused by his cryptic words she was starting to panic.
"Listen to me, pull over and tell me where you are. I will come to you." Clare pleaded and she heard what sounded like him getting upset.
"It's too late Clare. I ruined everything again. I won't ruin your life like I did hers. I can't." Eli sniffled and Clare felt tears building in her own eyes.
"Stop talking like that! Everything is going to be fine. I just can't handle all of this right now. That doesn't mean I don't-" Clare was cut off by Eli.
"DON'T! DON'T SAY YOU CARE ABOUT ME. You can't handle all of this? You mean you can't handle me. I put everything I have into you Clare AND YOU RIPPED MY HEART OUT!" Eli shouted like nothing Clare had ever heard before. It was like his inner demons weren't afraid to come out now that he was away from her. It took her breath away but she gathered enough air to respond.
"Eli please...before you do something stupid." Clare pleaded but could hear Eli getting upset.
"You made a promise remember? That you'd never leave me…well now you don't have to. I love you Clare..." Eli trailed off and Clare thought she heard a thump.
"Eli..." The thump was followed by the most heartbreaking noise she could have ever hear through the phone as the sound of car horns blaring followed by tires screeching, a loud boom of a collusion, breaking glass, metal crunching and screams that weren't from Eli.
"ELI! ELI ANSWER ME!" She cried knowing she wasn't going to receive any response. Her heart stopped listening to the people scream in horror right before the line went dead.