In Their Free Time
Alucard was thirsty.
Five used packages of medical blood were lazily left on the end table beside the throne-like chair in the nosferatu king's chambers. What remained of that blood was either in the so said nosferatu's tummy, or smeared on his chin. Yet, he was still craving a taste that gave him more pleasure from it's flavor than it gave nutrition. It's white color was so pure and different from the usual menacing red, the texture was smooth and even thicker than blood. Nothing could ever be made as a substitute for it. He looked at the drained plastic and sighed. He was so full.
But Alucard was still thirsty.
So, to quench this rather un-vampiric hunger, he'd humor himself. Alucard shoved a hand eagerly into his crimson trench-coat and from it's depths, he pulled his prized possession. When I say prized possession, I mean it. This little baby was even more beloved by the vampire's cold, black heart then his two guns.
To his chest, Alucard embraced a large bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing.
You're probably wondering why such a common brand of ranch would be so prized; and a common type of salad dressing. Well, Hellsing was on budget-cuts. Again. Therefore, Integra was forced (rather happily forced, that is) to stop ordering Alucard's daily shipments of Hidden Valley ranch, the proclaimed best ranch produced. 'How ranch is supposed to taste' was it's slogan, after all.
Alucard whimpered and held the bottle tighter to him, stroking the green cap with a palm. This was his very last bottle, which he'd been saving for a special occasion.
"Stupid, un-tolerating of ranch master," the vampire said between a pre-crying hitches of breath. Before his fangs could sink themselves into the tough material of the container, two of the three people he seriously didn't want to see let themselves in. Without even knocking, those rude hooligans!
"Eee Gads, Butler Boy! The evil A-looney-card is up to his ranchy experiments again!"
"I'm Butler Man!"
Yes, our very own Police girl and Butler Man (-cough cough- Boy -cough cough-). Seras donned her regular yellow uniform, but Walter had apparently decided his funny little butler suit wasn't quite silly enough. Shall I put it in simple terms?
White boxers. Black knee socks. A blue, fuzzy towel tied around his neck to pose as a cape. A leather doctor headband with the shiny medal circle thing on the front.
In this disguise, Walter became the heroic being, Butler Boy! (-Walter now attacks DaysOfTheNight- lol)
"Get him!" Seras squealed, hands flying to the sides of her face in horror as her eyes gazed upon Alucard's ranch. Wal-...excuse me, Butler Boy, pulled from his back pocket (Do boxers have back pockets? LOL!) his most effective (in other words, his only) weapon.
Pigleta, the super rare pink Swifter Duster!
"I shall vanquish the evil A-looney-card with my ultra powerful Pig-"
"Begone!!" Alucard yelled in embarrassed fury, chomping the top of the ranch bottle off. With insane laughter, Alucard squeezed the bottle and defended himself against Pigleta's awesome cleaning powers with a stream of dressing.
"Aieeeeeeee!" Butler Boy and his assistant who pretty much stood there and screamed like most super-hero assistants do, were washed away in the impressive amount of salad dressing. Alucard must've made a magic bottle or something, because his large bedroom was completely soaked to the termite in the gooey liquid.
It was all gone.
Alucard stared at the empty bottle of ranch in his hands, screaming in a very unAlucard-like manner as the last drop fell to the floor. Had his pride still not have been intact, he would've licked it right off the stone.
"M-...my...ranchy!" Alucard wailed, throwing the bottle on the ground. Lifting his head to the ceiling, he closed his watery eyes tight, and let loose an agonized scream that all in the Hellsing Manor heard. Soon, Alucard hung his head in shame, shoulder shaking. Was he crying?
Heck. No.
Again, the No Life King raised his head heavenward, but now with an extremely loud laughter as he scooped up his beloved bottle. He phased up and up and up, similar to the lifting of his heart, until he reached a seemingly deserted room, reaching for the phone near the fireplace in front of him.
1-800-HIDDENVALLEY...
OoO
"Miss Victoria, what are you-?"
"Shhhh!"
Seras sat in the middle of the east hall, averting her gaze suspiciously around, wall to wall, window to window, door to door. Walter believed she was looking for something, and he was fearing it was a rat. He was dreadfully frightened of the little buggers and their love of cheese. Walter was allergic to cheese...
"Miss Vic-?"
"The mutant crocodiles are coming..."
"Pardon?"
Seras stuck a finger in her mouth, slid it out with a slight popping noise, then pointed it toward the ceiling.
"It's in the wind! The mutant crocodiles are going to come and attack! They're vicious..."
"..." Walter blinked, then laughed a bit. Had Miss Victoria finally-...what was that noise? It sounded like a river; a powerful rushing river that was tumbling down the earth with it's frothy waves. Walter was close. It wasn't a river of water, and the waves were more bubbly then frothy; coming straight toward the young fledgling vampire and the old retainer was a enormous tidal wave of Hidden Valley ranch dressing!
"Oh God!" Walter shouted, grabbing the back of Seras' collar to pull her away. But as he impulsively looked back at the massive amount of salad dressing gushing menacingly toward them, his mouth dropped, as did Seras to the floor when Walter let her go. At the very tipity top of the ranch, Alucard sat on a man-made raft, crafted from Hidden Valley ranch bottles! About fifty of them were tied together with what appeared to be jump rope.
"Hehe! I'm the king of the ranch! I prevail! I preeeeeevaaaaaaaail!" Alucard squealed, using a wooden oar to steer his way down the wave of dressing.
What could make this situation any more upsetting for Walter? The door bell was ringing, and he couldn't even answer it before the sea of ranch took Seras and him under it's tangy goodness.
"The ranch shall conquer all! RANCH REBELLION!!" With that mighty battle cry, the No Life-...eh...the Ranch King, floated down the hall and started his voyage down the next.
And what did raise from the ocean of white, bearing an unconscious Walter and a victorious Victoria? A thirty foot mutant croc!
"Master A-looney-card won't get away! Tally ho, Sugar Cube!"
The mutant crocodile Sugar Cube nodded with a small grunt, then took off with lightening speed after the Ranch King, whom was headed right for Sir Integra's office...
A/N: Ahem...I was having a sudden urge to be silly. One or two years ago, I wrote a fanfic similar to this, and decided to re-write it for the love of Sugar Cube :P
Please review, they make me smile :)