Dear Mom,
Its been exactly a year today since I lost you. Its been a long and lonely year. I graduated like I know you wanted me to. I refused to walk across that stage and parade in a cap and gown, just to look into the crowd and not see you there. I know I am suppose to feel you everywhere and to carry you in my heart, but right now I'm unable to see anything past my anger. I'm trying mom. I really am. I'm in search of anything that can make me feel like life is worth all the hurt it thrusts into our hands. Do you remember that time you took me on the train for the first time? We spent all day at that lake and you let me waste a whole loaf of bread feeding the ducks. I want that back. I'm going to find away to feel that good about life again. I think that lake holds my hope for regaining my faith back.
Ashley rubbed her tired and red eyes. She had been waiting for the train to arrive in a small café located within the train station. To be honest she didn't even know that trains where as popular as they seemed to be today. People where bustling in and out like the beginning of a sad music video or the dramatic end to a sappy chick flick that she secretly loved and probably owned. Well use to own. After selling everything from the house her and her mother once lived in and then finally selling the house, which proved to be a year long venture, she had with her a small bag of all she truly cared about or needed for hygiene requirements. It also gave her enough money in a bank account to live off of for a long while, especially since it was only her now.
Ashley had made a deal with herself at the beginning of all of this that she would only allow herself three days to truly let go and cry. One being the actual day her mother passed, another being mothers day, and the last would be her mothers birthday. In retrospect that didn't allow a lot of time for her to cry and to really find closer with all of it. But that was how Ashley was. She was a 'deal with it later' kind of girl. She had always been this way, any way to push change to the back of her mind for as long as it could, until it blew up in her face. She called it being strong but anyone else would call it stupid. She was finally ready to deal with this and to let go of the anger she had surrounding her heart. Therapist after therapist and she knew how to grow up, and it was by finding her faith again. Not just that but hope. Hope that her whole life isn't as tragic as the final breaths her mother took in her arms.
That was just it. It wasn't the fact that she had lost her mother at such a long age, 18. It was the fact that her innocence and her childhood was gone as soon as the doctor said it was stage 4 cancer. She was 16. Two years. Two years of being a caregiver. Two years of failed chemo and radiation. Two years of giving everything she had to trying to cure her mother, and it didn't work. She had failed. It wasn't that she lost her it was that she had seen, heard, and dealt with more than any person should in their entire life in two years. All for nothing.
Two years of prayer. In the morning when she woke up. Before every meal. before she fell asleep. In the middle of the night when she would wake up suddenly just to make sure she was still breathing. How many lost prayers. And that was what bothered her most. All that faith and hope she had. Lost now and replaced with anger. that's what killed her the most. The lose of faith. that's what this journey was about. Finding understanding. She hadn't hit her knees and brought her hands together in a year, because in her mind there was no reason, and if there was in was lost in the headstone that read her mothers name. She wanted that reason again and she was going to find it. Some how.
Ashley was ready to board the train and she smiled as sweetly as she could muster as she let the man punch her ticket. That smile not quite reaching her eyes or making her nose crinkle. She pulled her bag from around her shoulder and placed in in the seat beside her, hoping that would keep someone from seating next to her. She looked at her reflection in the window and what stared back at her was shocking to the brown eyed girl, as her eyes were the only thing that resembled the girl she once knew.
Her hair was short. She had cut it in a felicity manner, thinking it would be a change and a new start. She liked it, it fit her better. She laughed to herself as the thought of her 'growing' into the lesbian she always knew she was. She hated that word. Lesbian. She laughed again as she thought it sounded like a disease. She didn't dress like a 'normal' girl and she was more than a tomboy. She was constantly called sir and older women thought she was a 'charming young man' when she opened or held doors for them. It didn't bother her though. Well not anymore. It was who she was and she liked herself. It may of taken her awhile to but she did.
Growing up in a small town in North Carolina will make you repressed and will make it hard to accept who you are but it wasn't impossible, especially when your parents or parent is as supported and Ashley's mother was. Was. Its a struggle everyday but she wasn't about to change this part of her. She already lost her mother she wasn't loosing herself too.
The train jerked and started slowly picking up speed. Ashley laid her head against the window and closed her eyes letting the vibration on the train calm her nerves and let her drift off to sleep. It was a familiar feeling, one you would get if you leaned your head against the car window on a long trip, but just a little more aggressive. She was in a state of middle sleep. That resting point where you're not exactly asleep but you're not awake. She had a feeling of not being alone anymore and she opened her eyes to see a girl around her age sitting in front of her.
The way the sun was hitting her threw the window made her look like an angel. As if the sun was surrounding her but careful not to actually touch her. Ashley was so taken back by her that she slammed her eyes closed as if she had just seen something she wasn't suppose to. As if she had imposed. She slowly, one eye at a time, opened her eyes again, taking in the sight. The sun had changed positions but she still was breathtakingly beautiful. In away that Ashley couldn't describe or put a finger on. Natural, maybe. She too had a bag with her but it was more of a small duffle bag or tote thing. Not that Ashley knew exactly what either one of those things where. In fact Ashley carried a wallet, in her back pocket, so purses of any kind were not in her vocabulary.
The other girl looked up from her book and caught Ashley starring, most likely with her mouth wide open. The other girl shyly looked back to her book as her cheeks turned a slight red. Well that's embarrassing thought Ashley. She mentally smacked her forehead and then let her mind wonder to the V8 commercials. And then she giggled which caused the other girl to look at her weirdly. Way to go Ashley now you're crazy.
Ashley tried to calm her nerves again and rest her head back on the window seal and close her eyes, but she could feel eyes on her. That odd burning sensation when you know you are being looked at sent chills down her spine and she couldn't take the anticipation anymore as she looked up and met the girls eyes. 'Ashley' she blurted out and then literally smacked herself for even opening her mouth. 'I mean, my name is Ashley.' That's better she thought.
The other girl smiled at her and Ashley thought her world would never be the same. 'Spencer' the other girl replied. Ashley liked it. Boy names for girls were cute and in this situation ironic. Ashley was such a common girl name and here she was looking boyish in the way she did and there was Spencer looking as girly and beautiful as ever with a very boy name.
The girls sat there awkwardly. This is where Ashley was not the greatest. Girls scared the crap out of her. She was surprised she said her right name. palms sweaty and mouth dry whenever a girl so much as smiled at her. If that's bad it was twenty thousand times worse with this girl. She was the cutes thing Ashley had ever seen and she was seating right in front of her and so very close. 'Umm hi…' Ashley said letting the end of her hi hang in the air like a final not of an awkward ballad. 'Hi.' Spencer replied laughing a bit but not in a mean way but in a way that said 'you may continue,' which went over Ashley's head.
Ashley sat there awkwardly scolding herself in her head at how nervous she was being. She was ridiculous but that was Ashley. She sighed but more to herself and laid her head back onto the safe window and she let her mind be eased by the calming vibrations again. If Spencer minded she didn't let on and after watching the other girl for a moment in curiosity she went back to reading. If Ashley had been paying attention to something other that Spencer's blue eyes she would of noticed that she was reading one of her favorite books. Annie on my Mind.