Disclaimer: I don't own 'Naruto' and I don't make money from this.
Pairings: Kankuro x Yondaime Kazekage (Father), Kankuro x Gaara
Warnings: sandcest / incest, yaoi, non-consensual, abuse, shota.
Summary: Kankuro wants to be Daddy's boy but it comes with a price. Later on Daddy dies but the illegal perversion does not and he can't forget. And then there's Gaara, innocent and confused, just like Kankuro himself was years ago, fueling the desires... SANDCEST YAOI NON-CON ABUSE SHOTA
A/N: The first scene takes place a month or so before The Chuunin Exams and Kankuro is 14 in it. In the last scene, he is 16 and Gaara is 14. As you will soon notice, this is written from Kankuro's point of view because it's less confusing that way.
I wrote this because I wanted to know if I could portray the feelings and reasons of an abused person. The point of this oneshot is psychological more than... anything else.
Oh god don't hate me for this. I know I'm going to Hell anyway. TT_TT
Daddy's Legacy
All I could see was blackness, for the moon's scarce light didn't reach my eyes because of the bigger figure lying on top of me. Added to that, I kept my eyes tightly shut because that miraculously took some embarrassment away. And Daddy had told me that my eyes looked attractive when they were closed.
"Ah..." I moaned quietly, well learned that attracting any outsider's attention was strictly forbidden. The bed sheets rustled as we moved and my grip on them tightened as I moaned again, arching my back.
"Daddy..." I whispered, opening my eyes a little. Only in this room, at these moments, I was allowed to use that term but outside and in the daylight, I addressed my Father as the Kazekage. It was a privilege, because neither of my siblings was allowed to use such informal name. Daddy didn't love them like he loved me.
At these moments I felt so special, even more special than Gaara. I was special, because I and Daddy had a secret that no one else knew about. As his eldest son, Daddy had explained, I was justified in this. Growing up without a mother was sad but Daddy's affection made it all better. It was a privilege that Daddy showed me this much attention, for the Kazekage was a busy and honorable man. I looked up to him and I admired him, more than I had ever dared to show. My heart fluttered every time Daddy traced his hand along my sweaty body, whispering affectionate words into my ear.
"Close your eyes," Daddy told me and I obeyed like a good son should. I had outlined my eyes with black kohl—only because of Daddy's request of course!—so that when I shut my eyes, they were nothing but thick, black streaks.
"Oh god," Daddy whispered and spread my legs further apart, clearly pleased at me. His excitement rubbed off on me, too, and I felt so alive—so meaningful and needed.
"You will become a great shinobi, Kankuro," Daddy said and slammed into me, making me gasp even though I tried to keep my lips pursed.
Such praise lifted my spirits high like nothing else. I wanted to become a skillful and respected shinobi and show everyone what I was capable of. But most of all, I wanted Daddy to be proud of me and that some day, he would look at me gently outside of this room, too.
"A-ah!" I suddenly gasped as it hurt, but it was good pain.
In the beginning, I had hated Daddy for coming to me. I had utterly despised his greedy hands all over my body, because they wouldn't let me be. He had hurt me and I had been afraid, unable to scream or cry or even tell anyone. But time after time, when the hurting continued, I started to enjoy it. I felt like it was a punishment I deserved, because I didn't want to think that Daddy would do anything wrongful to me.
Then one time, when he had ripped off my clothes and hurt me again, it hit me—there was no reason for me to fight, because it wouldn't change anything. All I needed to do was give up. Then the pain started to feel good, it was almost like pleasure. And pleasure felt like love and affection, and those two things I had always wanted to receive. At that precise moment, I had started to love Daddy more than ever before. And I knew that he loved me too, because in his wisdom he had all along known that I would secretly enjoy this all, and being the noble and honorable man he is, he had given me this dirty pleasure.
After that, there had been nothing but good pain.
"Daddy!" I whispered huskily as all my feelings became too intense and the tingling feeling in the pit of my stomach erupted. Some of my cum flew even to my shoulder and it pleased Daddy, for his suppressed moans grew more lustful and incoherent. I kept my eyes tightly shut in hopes of pleasing Daddy even more and it worked, because his pace fastened right after that. At that moment, I felt so special, a hundred times more special than Gaara.
"Gaara!" Daddy growled, slamming one last time into me and burying his head into the pillow. In the now silent room, my shiny eyes were fully open and all I could hear was my own heart beating so fast that I feared it would break. Gaara? Bitterness was filling me and I felt special no more. Now I hated the stupid, thick lines around my eyes, and I hated that Daddy—no, Father—never wanted to see me wearing my purple facepaint.
"Why?" I asked as he pulled out without meeting my glinting eyes. The hurt of growing up in the shadow of Gaara was coming back to me but this time it was a deeper ache, more personal.
"Kankuro," he said with a blank expression, his eyes not reflecting gentleness anymore but indifference. I almost flinched as a beaten dog and instantly, I was willing to do anything to bring back the affectionate look into his eyes. "If your mission in Konoha goes well and you succeed in your part, I'll let you spend a night next to me."
"Really?" I asked, already cheering up, even though I felt ashamed how easily he could manipulate my emotions. Daddy always left after these sessions, leaving me alone and soiled to long for comfort and warmth. I had already decided to succeed in our mission, there was no way I'd fail, not after what Daddy had just said! However, there was something shadowing my happiness and with wary eyes, I looked at daddy once again. "What about Gaara?"
"What about him? Forget him," he told me, putting his clothes back on. He ruffled my messy hair and as merciful as he was, he placed a soft kiss on top of my head. "Next time, put a thicker layer of eyeliner," he said, before leaving me into the darkness, alone.
And I didn't hate my kohled eyes so much anymore, because I knew Daddy still loved me most.
But the next time never came.
They killed the Kazekage, and then Daddy was gone.
"Aah!" I screamed as I woke up, covered in cold sweat. It had been another horrible nightmare where Daddy abandoned me into the never ending darkness, leaving me without his warmth like so many times in real life, too. I swept my sweaty forehead and let out a deep breath, knowing that the visions I had seen in my sleep would haunt me throughout the night.
It was then I saw two jade eyes locked on me, staring at me, endlessly evaluating me like I was some interesting enigma.
"What?" I asked Gaara who was keeping watch tonight. We were on a mission, just the two of us. A long silence fell upon us and in that time, I memorized once again those thick, black lines that outlined those empty, pale green eyes.
I knew why Daddy had never even tried to get to Gaara. It would've been a suicide mission and it still was, even though the redhead was now more open and easier to approach than before the invasion of Konoha. Old, familiar bitterness filled me as I remembered again how Daddy had always wanted Gaara and only Gaara, never really me.
I had been just a tool, a toy without a real value. My feelings or needs had never mattered, actually the only thing that Daddy had appreciated in me were my kohl rimmed eyes, and only when they were closed. I really hoped my unease didn't show on my face, for my shame was a secret I wanted to keep.
"Nothing," Gaara finally replied and turned his piercing look away.
I felt a hundred times easier when the attention of my little brother wasn't on me anymore. Even though me and Gaara were closer now than before, there was still something scary in him, something... distant.
As I turned to lay on my side, I wondered if I could ever be close to Gaara. But how close did I want us to become? Was I sick for thinking some very intimate things right now? I didn't want Gaara like that, that would be crazy! There was no way it would ever happen! And then I thought again our Father, my Daddy, and remembered how worthless I had all along been. Somehow, I wanted to rectify that wrong. I wanted Daddy to know that Gaara was no better than me.
I wanted... I wanted so much that in the end, I wasn't even sure what it was I really needed, wanted so desperately. I only knew that Gaara had something to do with it, since Daddy no longer existed.
Like so many times before, I was locked up in my room.
My cat was lying on my stomach, radiating warmth to my otherwise cold body. My mind was cold, too but the cat's warmth could never reach it. She was the first pet I've had and I know she'd be the last one, too, for I know I could never love any pet more than her. I'd shared so much with her over the years... And she was the only one who'd listen without judging me.
The endless purring was like a hymn to my ears, the only sound in my otherwise silent room. I had told her everything about me and Daddy, whispering so that no one else would hear. I had told her about the restless, hot dreams I had had about Gaara in the past few weeks and I had revealed to her how much I still lived in the past...
The past haunted me every day and night, and even in the land of dreams I couldn't escape it. I thought I was getting obsessed with Gaara for I thought about him constantly, and it was then that I remembered how Daddy always wanted only him and never really me. It hurt me and sometimes I tried to cry but nothing ever came out. I was cold in the prison of my sick mind, locked behind the bars Daddy had built for me.
I was scared of how realistic my dreams about Gaara felt. His screams echoed in my ears long after the dreams ended and it sent chills down my spine. But I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted to feel him. I was scared how I was slowly getting more and more obsessed with him. I felt sickened now, what a horrible big brother I secretly was.
It was like I was on a one-way road straight to Hell and unable to stop, and sometimes I wondered if I even wanted to change the direction.
This way of thinking was so... natural, so easy. What I meant was that thinking about Gaara was natural since I had envied and feared him for so long. I knew Daddy was obsessed with Gaara so maybe it was his legacy for me to keep continuing that way.
She still purred, keeping me warm. She was the only one I had ever told about Daddy, about the past. I knew she was only a cat but I had to tell someone.
If I hadn't, I would've exploded.
It wasn't until lately that I realized how deep my perversion ran in me. Every day felt like I was falling, falling from God's grace—if she even existed, I wasn't sure—falling from normalcy I always thrived for, endlessly falling... My life was like a downward spiral and I was going down for good, not really knowing what there was in the bottom. Death? Absolution? Or salvation? What I feared most was that there would be nothing.
"Would you hand me the soap?" Gaara asked, breaking my musings.
"Oh, here you are," I answered, giving him the soap.
We were at our local onsen like any given Saturday of our lives after the invasion of Konoha, excluded the times we were on missions. This was our habit now, one that made us feel more like family members. For the last three times of our being here, I had gotten anxious about being so close with Gaara without our clothes on.
Even though I had tried my everything to change my way of thinking, it did nothing to me. It was embarrassing for me to be in this situation, for I couldn't stop myself from hardening as I thought that I was alone with Gaara in a hot spring, naked. I wondered if the water would work as a lubricant for us and I thought what it would be like to have sex in water.
"Nii-san, are you feeling okay?"
"H-Huh?" I asked, my perverted thoughts fading away.
"Your face is all red," Gaara replied, looking at me worriedly.
"R-Really? It's just that the water is so h-hot," I stammered, afraid that I had been caught. Had Gaara noticed my erection somehow? And since when had it been embarrassing to say the word 'hot' in Gaara's presence? Maybe it was because I secretly thought that he was so hot. My member twitched, agreeing.
I started to dwell in my own thoughts again, ignoring the questioning stare Gaara was still giving me. It was like his eyes were burning holes to my skin and at that thought, my member twitched again. This was hell and I had decided that I wouldn't go to onsen with my little brother again after this.
"I go now," was all Gaara said as he got out of the water.
"Okay," I replied and like for some weeks now, I purposely stayed in the onsen for a few minutes after my little brother had left. After I was sure that I was alone, I slowly started to masturbate, thinking about general things at first but as I should've known, my thoughts soon focused on a certain redheaded teen... Right then it started to feel ten times better and I fastened the pace, now thinking about Gaara riding me, eagerly.
I came hard into the water and the lecherous thoughts still played in my mind. After I had come down from the cloud nine I felt bad for liking such perverted visions. It was wrong, it was sick but I couldn't help but adore my secret fantasies.
I got up from the water and felt bad for soiling it with my secretion. Why did I have to soil everything? Daddy had at first soiled me and after that, I had slowly started to grow to be this sick bastard I now was. Partly I was ashamed for pleasuring myself with the images of my little brother, partly I was still excited and wondered what the real thing would feel like.
Would it be wrong? On law's point of view it surely was, as was from society's point of view, too. But Daddy had wanted Gaara, so why shouldn't I? Was it somehow more wrong to me to lust after my little brother than it was for our father to lust after his sons? Of course there was my conscience and morality, telling me what I should do and what I shouldn't, but the darkness plaguing my mind was slowly eating them away and replacing them with dark, selfish desires.
Besides, Daddy had always really wanted Gaara and never actually me. What was better in Gaara? Was he more pretty? Over the years, I had started to believe so. I also thought that Gaara was skinnier, more flexible and more desirable in every way. That surely had to be it, or otherwise Daddy wouldn't have lusted after him so much. I was ugly, not so skinny and not flexible enough, that's what I thought. I was never good enough for anybody, that's how I felt like. I was an invisible, boring middle-child who no one paid attention to. I was just a tool, at first as a ninja to my village, then as a toy to my Father.
With these depressing thoughts in mind, I left, swearing that I would someday rectify these wrongs.
I watched as Gaara left the bathroom, only a tiny towel covering his naked body. I had seen him like this many times before but tonight, a tiny voice in the back of my mind told me to follow him. I put a little tube of lubricant into my pocket and wondered what a sick bastard I really was.
Soundlessly, I left my room and saw him going to his room and turning on the lights. No one else was home but us and the knowledge made me even more excited. I told myself that I was sick and what I was going to do was wrong, but it didn't stop me from going.
Silently, I entered his room and saw him there, back turned to me as he pulled out some clothes from the drawer. Without hesitation, I turned off the lights and shut the door behind me, letting the moonlit darkness embrace us.
As I had expected, Gaara turned to look at me with a questioning look on his face. After a fleeting moment the blankness on his face turned into confusion, as his tiny mind realized that something wasn't quite right. I adored him and his innocent reaction, enjoying the power of surprise I now had over him.
"Kankuro?" he asked, his tone of voice revealing a hint of alarm. It amused me to no end, since a few years before, our roles would have been the opposite ones.
"Yes?" I asked him back as I neared him, until I had broken the borders of comfortable brotherly distance. He was clearly confused at this newfound closeness and I smiled softly as despite his cool composure, I could see from his shiny eyes how his mind was working furiously, trying to find reasons for my weird behavior.
"What's wrong?" Gaara asked as he kept on staring at me with those innocent eyes of his. Oh how I adored that innocence, I thrived for it because I no longer had such purity in myself.
"Everything," I whispered in the darkness, and what I had said was true. Everything was wrong, most of all my plans and my illegal desires. Finally, I had convinced myself how I could show Daddy that Gaara was no better than me.
In a blink of an eye, I pulled the tiny towel away from Gaara's waist and threw it onto the floor. I was ready to sand attack but none came, instead Gaara only shivered, looking baffled. Why didn't he show any more emotions? Was this so boring? Was this not surprising enough?
In a surge of frustration, I took him by the arms and threw him onto the bed, hoping to awake even some emotions in him. I even wished him to sandcoffin me and that way prevent what I was going to do. I waited for the sand but it was nowhere to be seen and Gaara on the other hand, he didn't look angry but rather dumbfounded.
"Why?" I asked in a low voice, even though I wasn't sure what it was I wanted an answer to.
"Why what?" he asked back and I wondered if he felt any shame lying on the bed, naked, in front of his older brother.
"Why always you and not me?" I asked but it was a question to Daddy rather than to him.
"You're not making any sense," Gaara pointed out from the bed and I wondered again why didn't he resist anything. Two years ago, I would've been dead already.
"You'll understand," I muttered as I forged chakra strings and attached them on my little brother. This was so wrong, on more levels than one, but I had chosen my path. Every second, I waited for the sand to sweep me off, to bury me, to kill me but it never came. Wasn't I threatening enough to Gaara? Was Shukaku talking to him at the moment? If so, what was the demon saying? But the most burning question was, had I really failed in intimidating my little brother, who had intimidated me his whole life? Bitterness drowned me as I thought myself unworthy in all possible ways.
"Ah," Gaara gasped as the chakra strings tightened, tying his arms above his head whereas his legs were pulled apart, revealing everything for me to see.
He really was beautiful and I understood now a little better why Father had always wanted only him but not me. And how could he have wanted me, anyway? I was ugly and never good enough, a boring middle child no one noticed. I had had a good two years to think about these things and I knew I was right. Of course I had never told anyone because I didn't want to disgrace our Father's memory.
"Kankuro..." Gaara said and I could see his embarrassment. His cheeks were red from shame but still, he did nothing to resist me. He was so confused, like I was back then. Gently, I traced his pale, soft skin with my hands, feeling his muscles tense where ever I touched him. He smelled so pure, just like only a virgin could smell.
In these past two years, we had grown closer each other and Gaara had even told me about his dreams. I hadn't shared that part of me with him, for my dreams and desires were forbidden and disgusting, yet they didn't stop burning inside of me. Gaara trusted me. It was a huge accomplishment and look how I had used that trust. But these feelings had been dwelling in me for so long that I couldn't contain them anymore. I had to let them out.
I was still surprised how easy it had been to get into this situation. I had imagined that he would at least put up a fight, but none of that had ever happened. Now I knew that it was because he trusted me, and it hurt me to know that I had taken advantage of that naïve side of him. Would he have fought, if he had known what plans I had for him? His jade eyes were shining and it was clear to me that he wasn't willing to use sand against his precious people anymore. In strength, he could overpower me easily but I still had the upper hand, for I had mental control over him.
"He loved you so much. More than he ever loved me," I whispered, confident at my own conclusions. My hands caressed his soft skin, as if memorizing how this kind of contact had once felt. He was embarrassed and he closed his eyes, just like I had years ago. As I saw his black eyelids closed, I wondered if I had ever looked like that, or had I been just a cheap copy.
He didn't know about me and Daddy, but I was going to show him. Tenderly, I pushed a lubricated finger through the tight ring of muscles and instantly, his eyes flew open again. The only sound he let out was a surprised gasp, for as I had guessed, he was too confused to ask why or demand reasons. Of course he struggled but it was in vain, because my chakra strings kept him tightly in place. He looked so beautiful as he wriggled, like a butterfly caught in spider's web.
As I added the second and third finger, his eyes were closed again and he didn't wriggle so much like before. It amazed me how fast learner he was, for it had taken me weeks to realize that fighting was pointless. Daddy would've been proud of him, much more proud than he ever was of me.
"Ah..." he moaned now, his pride crumbling away piece by piece. The faint blush on his face told me what he didn't want to tell with words. I knew he secretly liked it, just like I had.
They were once again burning inside of me, these feelings. They didn't leave me be, I was like haunted waiting to be exorcised. These feelings had no place to go, so I took them out on Gaara. I still remembered how Daddy had moaned Gaara's name, taking away the little self-esteem I had had back then. The bitterness I had felt towards Gaara had turned into this unsatisfied want, for I reasoned that if I could never be like him, I could still have him. Maybe Daddy would be proud of me now, because I had achieved something he never could.
"He never really wanted me," I confessed, even though his confused expression told me that he had probably no idea what I was talking about. But he would understand, eventually. As I placed the tip of my lubricated member into his stretched entrance, his eyes widened dramatically and I wondered if I had ever looked so desirable.
I was almost sure that he would say something as I slowly slid inside but he stayed quiet and kept his eyes closed, biting his lip so much that I was afraid he would draw blood. My self-esteem once again crumbled as I noticed that I didn't succeed in getting anything but this mild reaction from him. When daddy had first entered me, I hadn't stayed quiet. I wished that Gaara would at least scream or shout, or even moan. Anything but this passive silence that was only broken by a hitched breath that had managed to escape from between his pursed lips.
This all just reminded me of how I had failed again, how undesirable I surely was to everyone else. Once again, I was just a boring middle child, unable to impress anyone. These thoughts were getting me frustrated, even angry, and I slid all the way in, pleased that the black rimmed eyes of my brother opened wide. As I started to move in a steady rhythm, another hitched breath escaped him. Soon they melted into moans as I kept on going, staring at nothing but his reddened face.
"Haa..." he gasped as I touched his hardened member and started to stroke it. I was eager to see how far his cum would fly, would he be better than me even in that?
"He dreamed about you. And then, I dreamed about you, too," I managed to say between my gasps as I kept on slamming into him. Again, he chose not to answer, and I wondered if it was out of fear because I was acting weird, talking about things he couldn't have a clue about. I had started to dream about Gaara after Daddy died because his desires and wants had continued to live inside of me, and they all materialized at this precise moment of me banging my tied up little brother.
I was considering this to be the best moment of my life.
Until Gaara came and his cum flew to his chin.
For a moment I felt so empty inside, so beaten up. I had lost to him even in this matter, and now I was doomed to forever be the number two. With all my frustration, I quickened my pace and tried not to think of anything in particular. But as I should've already known, I failed, and memories of Daddy flooded into my mind. Somewhere in the background I heard my little brother's moans turn into screams but I was too clouded because of my memories to even register it.
It felt good, and bad, but in the end those feelings were so intense that I couldn't tell the pain and pleasure apart anymore, so they all just melted up into one, overwhelming feeling and I came.
"G-Gaara!" I cried as I spilled my seed inside of him before collapsing on top of him. That moment the chakra strings vanished and Gaara's legs fell limply down, like he was some broken doll.
I pulled out and instantly turned my back on him, waiting for him to run from the room. Who wouldn't? Daddy had never stayed. I was lying on my side, hugging myself, because I felt so worthless, so meaningless. Right now, I felt like I was even more terrible monster than Shukaku had ever been. Yes, the real monster in this room wasn't the inexperienced redhead behind my back but me, his trusted older brother. I was a horrible person for betraying the trust of my brother and at the moment, I was sure that Daddy would never be proud of me. Never.
"K-Kankuro..." Gaara whispered shakily and against all my expectations, he embraced me from behind. Why hadn't he run? I remembered how bad it had felt to be left without warmth, so I turned and took him into my arms. He felt so fragile with his shaking body and glistening eyes. I knew he was fighting with his emotions like I was, too. Why didn't he just hit me for doing this to him? Instead of lashing out at me, he just stared at me with those wary eyes of his, reminding me of my former self.
I decided then that I would never leave him like I was left alone. I was tired of feeling like a failure, and in this matter, I wanted to succeed. As I smoothed his hair, I could still sense Daddy's presence like he'd never left. Shivers ran down my spine and I shuddered, pulling Gaara closer.
He was quiet again but I knew better than to let it fool me. As shinobi, I knew we couldn't talk about these things. We were supposed to be feelingless, but no human was like that. The time of words would come later, maybe, but neither one of us could handle it yet.
Now I just wanted to stay beside him, for one touch could tell more than words ever would. And to me, it meant a world that he was still by my side, and that I wasn't left in the darkness, alone. Even though I knew I didn't deserve any of this, not after what I had done, it still felt like I had finally received the warmth I had kept on longing for years.
As Gaara looked at me with those shiny, green eyes of his again, as if he was really trying to see through all my masks, to see who I really was deep inside, I felt like that maybe someday, I could tell him.
Maybe then, I would be exorcised from these haunting, destructive memories.
And maybe then, Daddy would be truly gone.