Title: "You're Beautiful"
Rating: T
Author: Azen Zeero
Disclaimer: Characters owned by Fox and Josh Schwartz! The O.C. and its characters are NOT MINE! How I wish they were, though...
Summary: 5 months after Alex and Marissa break up, Alex appears at the Bait Shop one last time for personal reasons. Ryan and Marissa show up, and Alex, who still has feelings for the other girl, must find a way to conceal her emotions for just a short while…which doesn't exactly work…angst song fic based on James Blunt's "You're Beautiful". Alex's P.O.V.
A/N: My first Malex fic; this seems like it would be best as a oneshot, but there may be more chapters to come considering I didn't clear up some things in this story…
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I pushed my way through the crowded floor of the Bait Shop, grimacing as I was roughly shoved by a boy taller than my height. "Sorry," the boy called behind him as she hurried away. This was one reason why I had quit working at the Bait Shop: too many kids who came to hang out and never watched where they were going. The other reason…well, I wanted that one to go un-thought of for just a while longer…for that moment, I just wanted to focus on getting behind the bar of the most popular club in New Port.
Finally finding a pathway that seemed to be promising, I quickly adjusted my tank top strap and then rushed forward, only to collide with yet another person's shoulder. "Excuse me…" I murmured, grabbing the counter of the bar to steady myself. I was about to continue walking when I was stopped by a reply.
"That's okay," a strong voice answered back. "It was…Alex?" Confused, I looked up into his face and inhaled sharply as I recognized Ryan Atwood's face. His eyes were almost showing surprise, the most amount of emotion that I had ever seen from him besides brooding anger. His jaw muscle tightened and then relaxed, as if he couldn't decide what emotion to display. His dark blue shirt and formfitting jeans made me size him up real quick; he had grown stronger within the past half year, and I probably wasn't going to be able to take him in a confrontation.
"Ryan," I stated simply, trying to keep my voice emotionless. "Hi…" I looked a little bit past him and my heart nearly stopped beating when I spotted a tall girl with golden brown hair walking towards our direction, dressed in a blue cashmere top and flare jeans with sandals. My breath came short and I had to grip the counter tighter to reassure myself that I wasn't going to fall.
My life is brilliant…
"Alex?"
That voice…the voice of the real reason I had to leave New Port…that same voice that had haunted my dreams for the past 5 months…the voice that seemed to be that of an angel…the voice that was forever engrained in my memory, that voice was now speaking my name softly, like I never thought it would have again.
My life is brilliant,
My love is pure,
I saw an angel
Of that I'm sure…
"M-Marissa…"
Did my voice crack? Did she notice if it did? Oh God, why now of all times, why are they here tonight? What were the chances?
"Um, Alex? Are you okay?" Her voice was almost too much for me to bear, even after all the time that had past. I had only heard that voice from memories long gone to me, and hearing it now wasn't what I needed, not after all this time...
I forced a smile, nodding my head and looking deep into her aquamarine eyes, the eyes that made me so weak whenever I thought of them. I composed myself quickly and made a venture at speaking once more. "Yeah, why?" I asked, tucking a lock of my straightened blonde hair behind my ear.
She stared at me a moment, then smiled, shook her head, and whispered, "Nothing…it's nothing, sorry." She looked at the ground, her cheeks turning slightly red. Pangs shot through my heart, and I had to stop myself from reaching over to touch her soft face…as if reading my thoughts, she looked up again, met my gaze, and gave a true smile.
She smiled at me on the subway,
She was with another man,
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan…
"So, why are you back in New Port?" Ryan suddenly interjected. I cast him an annoyed glance; of course he would be the source of irritation for my most important moments in life. Seeing Marissa after all this time was painful, but at the very least, still important.
"I came back for my own reasons…thank you…" I shot coldly at Ryan, somewhat satisfied to see his face riddled with annoyance. I looked back at Marissa, and it took all my strength not to open my mouth and pour out the words coursing through my mind at that moment…
You're beautiful…
You're beautiful…
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
I made a movement that signaled that I was going behind the counter of the Bait Shop. Marissa just watched me, then looked at Ryan and gave him a look that clearly asked him to leave. He glanced at me hesitantly, then nodded and walked in the direction of the staircase, taking his place by the rail.
Marissa turned back to me and gave me a gentle look, and my heart began to beat faster. I looked down at the drawer behind the bar and taking the key that the manager had given me out of my pocket, I began to open it. Leaning casually, Marissa peaked over the counter, then back up at me. "Whatcha up to?" she asked indifferently. I looked up, pausing in opening the drawer, and looked into her eyes once more.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by…
Instead of answering her question, I asked one of my own.
"Still dating Thor?"
Those beautiful blue green eyes went blank for a moment. I nodded my head in Ryan's direction, and Marissa caught on. She looked down at her hands, which were placed on the counter, and began to mess with the lace printed cuff of her long sleeve blue blouse. "Well, it's sort of…you know…it's—well…"
"Complicated." I finished. She waited a moment, then slowly nodded her head. I gave her a grim look. "You're relationships tend to be that way…" I murmured softly. I wasn't sure if she had heard me or not.
"Alex, really. What are you doing?" she suddenly asked, standing up straight and making her way behind the counter as I took a few twenties from the drawer. That ravishing gaze went from soft to hard instantly. "Alex!" she cried.
"Marissa, you don't know what I'm even doing!" I yelled back, slamming the drawer. All my anger and rage towards this wonderful woman began to build up, and I couldn't tell her what I wanted to. I couldn't tell her she'd torn apart my life. I couldn't tell her that I was still hopelessly in love with her, knowing I had to find a way to move on, and I sure as hell couldn't tell her why I was taking the money. She stared at me as I tried to gain my posture back, and I looked at her with hurt eyes. "You think I would just do that?"
She shook her head, looking away. "I don't know, Alex…" I bit my lip and looked back to the drawer. The truth was, I had gotten myself into some troubles, and I needed as much help with money as I could get. I hadn't counted on going back to New Port, but I needed major assistance. I made a deal with the manager of the Bait Shop that if he gave me some cash, I would do some shop work on his car when my matters were settled. But I didn't want to tell Marissa that…she'd wonder why…
"Is it drugs?" she suddenly asked.
"Fucking hell!" I whirled on her, fully ready to lash out at her verbally, but then I saw something I never expected to see from her ever again: a playfulness in her eyes that held warmth and affection. I felt something pulling me towards her, something deep inside of me telling me to do what I had dreamt about doing for the past 5 months…and before I could think, I was walking towards her, a steady determination in my mind that wasn't going to let my heart interfere with what I was about to do. I saw her face change; her eyes now held excitement, but tinged with nervousness.
She could see from my face that I was
Flying high,
"Alex?" she whispered, but she didn't get any further than that. Islipped my arms aroundher hips, then let my hands trail to the small of her back, leaned towards her, and at the last possible moment, she tilted her head sideways and closed the distance between us, placing her lips on mine in the same gentle manner she always had, and placing herhands softly on my face. I pressed close to her, loving the feeling of her body against mine again. I opened my mouth and gently touched Marissa's lips with my tongue. She obliged quickly and we began to explore the insides of each other's mouths, sighing and moaning occasionally.
I felt myself slipping too far into the part of my mind that wanted to take control as I slipped my hand under her shirt and onto her ribcage. As much as I wanted to obey that part of my mind, I slid my hand back out from under her shirt and slowly pulled back from the kiss. Marissa looked surprised, somewhat hurt, and confused, and I couldn't bear that look.
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end…
"Marissa…" 'Tell her, tell her now!' my heart screamed. "Marissa…I want to…no, I need to tell you…I love you…" Her eyes looked rejuvenated, but I pulled back even further, entwining my hand with hers, and they grew clouded once more. "I've been in love with you since I met you…and you knew that…but you never did anything about it…I just…wanted to tell you I loved you, and kiss you one more time, because I know something that was painfully clear to me from the beginning…" I felt my throat tighten, and I knew I shouldn't speak anymore.
"No, wait, Alex…" she gripped my hand and pulled me to her in a hug, which surprised me. "Alex, I can't…I can't let you go again…I can't be with Ryan…I need you…" I heard her sob. I pulled back again, still holding her hand tightly, wanting to tell her…
You're beautiful…
You're beautiful…
You're beautiful, it's true…
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you…
"I made a mistake when I let you go!" she cried, a tear falling down her beautiful cheek. She cast her gaze down, as if she was ashamed to look at me while crying. I lifted her face to look at me, and with my heart still pounding, kissed away every tear that fell from her eyes. She seemed to calm down, and I smiled softly at her. "Don't let me do it again…please, Alex, don't let me do it again…" she whimpered fiercely, gritting her teeth together.
I shook my head, pulling my head back, but squeezing her hand once more. "Marissa…I love you…but this is where we really say 'goodbye'…" Our hands let go of each other, with some difficulty, and as our skin lost complete contact, I felt everything we had ever had, everything I had ever known and wished for, slip away. I was letting my one and only chance at happiness slip away because of my own insecurity and problems. Yet, I couldn't chance bringing destruction into her life. "I love you…" I whispered to her one last time. I then turned my back, shoved the money in my jean pockets, looked back to glimpse her heartbreakingly sad eyes, which made me break into a run towards the door, crashing into everybody in my way. I didn't take the time to apologize; not that I would have been able to talk anyway.
I rushed to my beat up car and pulled out my keys, fumbling to get the driver's door open. After about fifteen seconds, I slid into the comfortable leather seats, putting my hand over my mouth; the horror of my loss had just hit me. Removing my hand, I moved it and the other one to grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white, and pressed my forehead near the top of the wheel. I closed my eyes tightly as burning tears of remorse and regret trailed down my face, and started softly sobbing.
From the moment I met her, I could tell…
You're beautiful…
You're beautiful….
You're beautiful, it's true…
From the moment we shared our first kiss on the beach, watching the waves, I could tell…
There must be an angel with a smile on her face…
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth…
"…I know something that was painfully clear to me from the beginning…"
I will never be with you…