Paradoxically Yours, Amelia McDougall, a harvest moon fanfic

Paradoxically Yours,

Amelia McDougall

Warnings: Incest if you squint, mentions of slash.

Summary: A companion ficlet to the Farming for Dummies series. James read only one of Amelia's letters when he was with his mentors training in the ways of alchemy. After that, he never read another one again…song fic to 'Iris' by The Goo Goo Dolls.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harvest Moon, or Full Metal Alchemist. All characters you don't recognize from the game or the anime; belong to me. I do not own the lyrics to the song 'Iris' they belong to the goo goo dolls.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

James McDougall was sitting in the library when a familiar aged woman walked up to him with an envelope in her hands.

"This came for you, Mr. James." She told him.

He didn't thank her when she handed him the letter. Opening it quickly, the 19-year-old scanned the page quickly. His heart clenched as he read through the whole thing.

Dear Big Brother,

This is the last letter I'll send. I guess I've finally realized that you don't give a damn about me or Mom and Dad anymore. All these years I hadn't given up hope that you'd write back to me. But now I can't take the pain anymore. The pain that I feel when yet another of my letters comes back to the farm with the same old 'return to sender' sticker on the front. Because I know that every time the letter comes back, it's just more proof that you don't care about me. It's just more proof that you never cared about me at all.

Every letter I get back I put in the room Mom prepared for you after the remodeling was done. I can't believe he even made up the room for you, its not like you'll ever come back. It's been nine years and you haven't even acknowledged are existence…my existence. If you hated us so much, why did you stay until you were ten? Why didn't you leave before that? Or better yet, why did you even pretend to care about me when we were younger? Was I just something to be manipulated in your eyes?

I guess I don't really want to know the answers to any of those questions really. What good would it do me, huh? You know, none of us really talk about you anymore, just like you don't think about us. But I still think about you, big brother. I still think of the times that you held me after I woke up from the nightmares that you knew I had every night. I still think of the first time you showed me alchemy, and how you began teaching it to me. I still think about that loving smile you showed me when I would curl up next to you in the caverns where we always hid after a fight with Mom and Dad. That smile, I now know didn't really show me love at all. You never loved me, ever. Well, guess what? I loved you. That's right loved, not love, but loved. I can now add the 'ed' to that word.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I've finally hit the stage where I'm completely numb. I can't feel anything at all; I no longer feel the pain of knowing you'll never come back. I don't feel my soul dying, nor do I really care. I'm done with worrying about whether or not you're still alive. I'm not going to miss you anymore. I won't cry over you, and the fact that you left. Thanks to you I can't cry anymore. My tears have run out, and I'm glad. It sorta comes with the whole 'numb' thing.

One day, when I still cared about you (for some reason that I can't remember), I was thinking about how you are actually something of a paradox, big brother. When we were younger, you were the strongest being in the universe in my eyes. But then again, God is supposed to be the strongest being isn't he? Nobody else is supposed to be stronger. So if you were the strongest, wouldn't that mean that God isn't? It's a paradox, just like I said before. Just like when you said that you were going to come back one day, but you haven't and I know that you never will. So isn't that also a paradox?

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Well, I guess I'll always be trapped in that paradox whether I like it or not. But you have one thing out of this whole letter to be happy about; you won't get anymore of these annoying letters. You won't have to make that horrible errand of making sure my letters are 'returned to sender' anymore. No more letters telling you things about the life and family you wish you never had. Thanks for leaving, big brother. If you hadn't have left, I wouldn't have realized any of this. I would still believe your lie of love.

Paradoxically yours,

Amelia McDougall

P.S. I'll be waiting for this to be 'returned to sender'.

James finished reading the letter and felt a pop of triumph go off in his chest. Finally, no more of those annoying letters would be bugging him. No regret, or shame passed through him as he put the letter back into its envelope and made the usual trip to the post office. He pressed the return to sender sticker to the front of the envelope and signed his name on the blank. Then, he handed the envelope to the post office clerk, happy to tell him that it would be the last time he would be making this trip. The clerk gave him a strange look as James left the post office. Now he could go back to his research on human transmutation. Finally, there will be no more annoying interruptions…He thought happily.

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Fin…