Reasons to Be Missed

Author: Katleap

Pairing: 1x2

Warnings: swearing, violence, abuse,

Disclaimer: They aren't mine, I'm just playing with them.

A/N: The scenes skip around a little.

Reasons to Be Missed

"Sugar, come back to bed."

"In a minute," I never took my gaze from the night sky, even when he rolled over in annoyance.

"Colony bitch." He mumbled as he went back to sleep.

I let it slide, concentrating too much to let the comment effect me. I seemed to let a lot of things slide with him.

It had been months since I had seen the stars so clear. I'd been too busy, too involved, too distracted. Ever since I'd moved to this debatable Pleasure Island, things that had meant something to me had been forgotten.

I perched on the windowsill, clothed only in my loose hair and revealed in the glory of the stars and the brighter gleam of the colony that hung low in the sky. It was normally too cloudy or smoggy to see the stars, but mostly I was too far gone to even look for them.

I stood at that window following the colony as it sank from view. I was cold, inside and out. I was lonely. I was stuck. I pressed my cheek against the icy glass, watching as my breath condensed on it.

Did they think about me? Did they ever miss me? Were there any reasons to be missed? It had been eighteen months since I had last talked to Quatre. Was Trowa still touring with the circus? Had Wufei finally gotten over his guilt? How was Hilde's yard doing? Was Heero …happy?

I shied away from that thought. Thinking about Heero hurt too much.

I still loved him.

Guilt and misery balled in my stomach, tight against the skin. Wrapped in the solitary velvet comfort of the night, I stopped running. The truth about the wreckage of my life was blunt and bitter as it slipped from my lips.

"I hate it."

"Duo what are doing?"

Hilde stood in the doorway of my room watching me pack the last few shirts in my duffel bag.

"That's for you." I gestured to the white envelope on the bed as I traipsed back to the dresser for the final pairs of socks and my hairbrush.

She ripped open the paper and gasped at the contents. "You can't."

"I've got to Hilde."

The war had ended a month ago, and I had come running to Hilde, but I couldn't settle into running the yard. I wanted, I ached for something that I couldn't have. It had never been mine in the first place, but I thought it had been and I missed it. Everywhere I turned there something to remind me of it. I couldn't deal with it anymore. So I was leaving. Going some place that had never been touched by him. Some place where I could forget.

"You're running away again Duo Maxwell."

I shrugged. It was true, after all that was my motto. Run and hide.

"What if you talked to him? Just call him. It could all be a misunderstanding."

I zipped the duffel closed and turned to face her. "He went to her. It's inevitable how that will end and I have to get over it."

She was quiet for a moment. "I wish you wouldn't go."

"You know I have too. This place just…" I shook my head.

She smiled, a tiny sad turn of lips. "I do understand. I just hoped that it wouldn't be so soon."

I shouldered the duffel and kissed her on the cheek. "Goodbye Hilde."

I was on the next shuttle to earth.

I stared at the email. There was a new one every month, stating the exact same thing and the same five words closed each message. It had come faithfully for the last two years. I never replied, but I never deleted it either. My inbox held 27 of those emails, intermixed with the occasional update from Quatre or Hilde. Though they had petered out when I didn't respond.

It was a reason. One of the few that made me think of going back. It was the light under a shut door that I had not decided if I was opening or closing. A tiny link to my best forgotten past.

I'd wandered for a while when I had reached earth. Seen things and gone places that didn't know him. That hadn't ever thought him. I shunned public news and tried to loose myself in normality.

My Gundam Pilot past shadowed me as I tried to fade. I would find some place and settle in only to have my history storm through and move me on. I had finally found a city big enough to vanish into and I had until he found out.

I was now a prisoner of my own making. I could leave and try to disappear myself again. Though it wouldn't work. In all the places I'd been, where he had never set foot, I still found reminders. Or I could stay, in a relationship that wasn't real, that I never wanted. Where the drugs and drinks were easy and every weekend I found myself waking in new unfamiliar rooms.

The door slammed. I made my decision and closed the program. Shutting the computer, I got up to greet him.

There were now 28 of those emails.

I was lying on the floor when I came too.

The beige carpet was rough beneath my cheek. I still wore my shirt and my hair was loose. It had settled over my face like a blurry cloud, trying to hide me from the wreckage of my life. I reeked of alcohol and sex.

I push myself up to my elbows and immediately wish I hadn't. My head spun and I could taste the dull tang of those damn designer drugs. I don't do drugs. They mess with my system really bad and I had seen what drugs did to people when I was on the streets. I swore never but that asshole had spiked me again. He promised after the last time and the time before that. I rested my head against my arm, preparing to move again.

There's the soft sounds of sex for another room. I managed to get to my knees before the spinning made me stop. When my eyes cleared, I could see that I was alone in the room. Bottles, cups and clothes littered the floor. He wasn't here, probably off fucking someone else. He got off on these parties or more accurately, orgies where nobody cares because they're all too high, except me.

I made it to my feet, and stumbled over to retrieve my pants from where they'd been thrown, then staggered to the bathroom before I had to hurl. After I finished worshipping the porcelain throne, I cleaned myself up. Tugging on my jeans, I pulled my phone out and laid it on the counter.

Catching a glimpse of myself as I plaited my hair quickly, I stopped and really looked at my reflection. I had black circles around my eyes and my face was haggard. My skin was nearly transparent and I could count every one of my ribs. I looked worn, like a druggy on the edge who's only thought is for another hit. The holes in my soul were gaping like bleeding infected wounds. In that instant I made up my mind.

I didn't want to be the man in the mirror anymore.

I opened the phone and recalled the number that I had stared at many times after these bashes. This time I dialed it. When she answered, I told her who I really was, where I was at and why. She listened until I was done then thanked me. There was silence and then she quietly asked if I would be coming in tomorrow. I told her no, we said goodbye and hung up.

I pocketed the phone and left the bathroom to find my coat. He caught me before I reached the front door, my jacket clenched in my fingers.

"Where are you going sugar?" He lounged against the wall, pants undone and sated dick hanging out. His shirt was unbuttoned and there were flecks of cum on his chest.

"I'm leaving."

He snorted and pushed off the wall, walking toward me. "You can't leave until I say you can leave. We have a deal. You're mine and I won't tell your boss what you really are."

I narrowed my eyes at his blackmail attempt. "Don't bother. I already told her. She's on her way."

"What!" His face darkened in anger. "What the fuck did you do, you little slut!"

I turned back to the door. "What I should have done months ago."

When he charged me, he didn't yell. I will give him credit for that. I caught him, and spun him into the wall using his right arm as leverage to keep him pinned and on the tips of his toes.

"Now let's get something straight" I said, my tone sweet as I twist his arm higher. He groaned in pain. "I'm not yours. I never was. Get that through your dumb ass head."

I let him go and he crumpled to the floor, nursing his arm. I paused as I opened the door. "I never want to see you again."

I shrugged into the jacket as I went out the door into the early morning darkness. We had brought my car this time. Leaning against the door, I let the cool night air ruffle my bangs. An SUV screeched to a halt up the street a little ways and a woman stalked from it to the open door of the house. I could hear the shouting as she tore into him.

They're engaged, my boss and that asshole. She hates the Gundams because her brother was killed in a base attack. Not long after I began working under her, her then boyfriend had discovered who I was. In exchange for his silence, I was his fuck buddy. I didn't have to but I was tired of moving and wanted to settle for a while. I had settled for too long.

I climbed in my car and took off into the night. The only things I needed were the worn duffel bag in the trunk and the folded piece of paper with an address. I had a reason. I was going back.

My car died 3 miles from my destination. Fifty-seven hours, stopping only for fuel and what little sleep exhaustion would lend me. I was so close and then the damn car died. I didn't care what was wrong with it. I'd figure it out later, after I got some answers. It's 0143 am. And it was dumping buckets outside.

"Just my luck. Just my fucking luck." I tucked my keys in my pocket, took a deep breath and slid out into the night.

I was completely soaked by the time I got there. Clothes plastered to my body, my hair clinging like a wet blanket; I looked like a drowned rat. Standing on his front walk, I debated whether I really wanted to do this. It would have been so easy to just go back to the car and then ambush Commander Une at 0700. I wouldn't have to talk to him. I wouldn't have to see him. I wouldn't be reminded…

"Duo?" the voice broke across my thoughts. I hadn't even heard the door open.

The entryway was dark; the only light came from the streetlight in the distance. I could scarcely make out his profile against the blackness.

"Yeah" I rasped out. My throat was dry and tight.

"Come in." He motioned and disappeared from the doorway.

I followed him, shutting the door behind me and cutting off the faint light. Shivering and dripping on the shoe mat, I stayed in the entry, not wanting to leak on his floors.

A lamp clicked on and he was back, two white towels in his hand. He gave me a towel and then moved behind me to start drying my hair. "You can take your shoes off. You are not going any where tonight."

When I just stood there, he huffed in annoyance and knelt to started undoing my shoes. Startled I pushed him away.

"Heero…" The words died on my lips as I caught his face in the light as he stood.

He hadn't changed much. His hair was a little longer, his shoulders broader and he was just barely taller then me. His eyes though, were still exactly the same. Chips of blue sky, all frozen and bright, powerful enough to make my skin tingle and heart speed up. His gazed licked across me, assessing. It made me want to sink into the floor and ooze back into oblivion.

I was cold and exhausted but being there with him made me feel safe in a way I hadn't felt in years. "Heero please."

His hands were warm against my fingers. "You are safe. It's okay."

Those words erased my fears of being sent away and I slumped forward, his hands catching and bracing me. "Thank you."

"So take off your shoes."

I did so without question and quickly found myself led to a bathroom, where he turned on the shower while I struggled with my wet clothes. When I overbalanced as I fought with my shirt and crashed into the counter, he pulled off the rest except for my boxers and made a subtle exit.

The warm water hurt, so I made my shower brief. As much as I wanted to luxuriate in the water, I needed to talk to Heero more. I found clothes outside the bathroom door. Clad in borrowed blue pajama pants and black long sleeve t-shirt, I went looking for Heero.

He was in the living room, sitting on the couch with two cooling mugs in front of him. I sat back against the armrest one knee tucked under me. I picked up the cup closest me, cradling its warmth in my hands. The silence stretched between us, warm and lingering with a thousand conversations that had not been.

"Did you mean it?"

"Every word. Every time."

My hands trembled. Those emails with the same personal message at the bottomI put the mug back on the coffee table. It wouldn't do to spill. My hands were still shaking. I twisted them together, not daring to look at him. What if I was wrong? What if I was too different? What if I was too late? What if? What if? What if? The questions were whirling around my head and I couldn't not look.

He was staring at me, mouth curved up and eyes dark.

"I'm sorry" flew from my mouth before I could bite it back. "I just…I mean … you went to her and that…seemed to be the end."

Heero reached out, the tips of his fingers brushed down the side of my cheek. "I had a promise to keep. It ended two years ago."

The hand left my jaw and I grabbed it clutching tightly. "Forgive me?"

He smiled. "Always."

The hand clasped my fingers and pulled me from my corner of the couch into warm arms. I collapsed into them as I had wanted too from the moment he opened the door.

"Will you stay?"

It was a reason. The reason, the only one that mattered. "Forever."

Owari