Never In a Million, Billion Years

Disclaimer: I was so sure that I owned the rights to Wicked...then I woke up.

A/N: Okay...to those who are also fans of Wicked whom I know...don't look so surprised. Elphaba is a relatively challenging character for me. I wanted to see if I could write her. I probably screwed her up, but we'll let you guys have your say. Anyway, basically a one-shot in which Galinda has a sleepover, and Elphaba has to deal. Set sometime between Something Bad, and Dancing Through Life, and if there is no room in-between there, then I guess it's AU. I have read the book, (and loved it!) but wanted to write a musicalverse Elphaba because she is much more flexible for me at the moment. No pairings. First Wicked fic. Well...enjoy.

The pencil fell onto the desk. The emerald hand that had been gripping it formed into a tight fist that, had it been holding the pencil, would have surely snapped it. Elphaba almost groaned. It was only sixth hour, and she had to deal with the combined squealing's of Galinda, Pfannee, and Shenshen all night long. In a word...torture. Pure and simple.

As if Galinda herself wasn't bad enough.

"And I said to him, I said, 'So, how about we take a walk, and I'll consider it,' and you girls know what he said?"

"No!" the other two cried, eager for the rest.

"Get a life?" Elphaba murmured sarcastically to herself.

The excited whispers ceased.

"Do you know that it is rude to eavesdrop?" Pfannee said sniffily.

Elphaba turned in her chair. "Well, I would guess not. Or, at least, not with your influences." Then, she faced back towards the wall and studiously attempted to block out their shrill voices.

However, she did manage to hear Galinda apologize for her, 'pitiable roommate's manners.' That, and something about an, 'ugly green stalk.' Gee, she thought, doodling absentmindedly on her paper for Life Studies, I wonder who that is?

It was nearly dark by the time Elphaba finished her paper. A fact she was most irked about. She protested that she would have been finished sooner, had it not been for them.

"Oooo! Shenshen, you look divine in lavender!"

The three girls were seated on the floor by the vanity, with tub-fulls of makeup scattered on the carpet around them. Galinda seemed in her element. She insisted that they try on every product, and she reveled in the fact that only she knew how to 'properly' apply them.

The smiling Shenshen adopted a smirk onto her heavily painted face and with a sickly sweet voice, called out to Elphaba who was putting her paper away. "Oh Miss Elphaba! Do come over and have Miss Galinda put some makeup on you. It's such fun, and I believe you'd look gorgeous in this color!"

Elphaba straightened up and looked at the girl blandly. "I highly doubt that," she said and began rummaging through the wardrobe.

"Oh, don't be such a spoilsport! Come on!"

Elphaba grabbed a simple black dress from the depths of the wardrobe pushing past Galinda's elaborate and colorful array of hoops and skirts. "I don't think so," came her reply, and was accompanied by the slamming of the bathroom door.

Shenshen raised her eyebrows at the closed door and looked at Galinda. "Ah, well. I didn't really expect her to agree anyway," she said indifferently.

"What color did you pick out for her?" Galinda asked curiously, picking up some blush.

Smirking slightly still, Shenshen held up a dark, deep color of red. Laughing she stated, "I wanted to decorate her for Lurlinemas!"

The three girls descended into hysterical laughter. The bathroom door banged open again, revealing Elphaba, clad in a sleeveless black night dress. The three girls stopped laughing abruptly.

"Oh, real subtle," Elphaba snapped as she stalked past, climbing onto her bed. Pfannee looked at Shenshen in puzzlement. Galinda merely tutted and, to the girls amazement and perhaps horror, ran and jumped onto Elphaba's bed, landing at the green girl's curled up feet.

"Hi there, Elphie!"

"Get off."

"Oh, why are you always so snippity? That's why you have no friends, you know."

"Get off."

"Were you simply born this way?"

"Get off."

"Is that all you can say?"

"Do you like your skin tone?" Elphaba asked, looking her in the eye.

"Well, of course."

"Then get off unless you want it to turn decidedly green...and I don't mean with just jealousy."

Galinda scampered off the bed. Green lips turned up slightly in triumph. Elphaba then proceeded to hide her pert nose in a book. Something that Galinda just would not have.

"Oh no. You're not going to have your nose in another musty, dusty old book. Nuh uh. Not when there are make-overs to be had. The Unnamed God knows you need them."

Her dark eyes peeking over the top of the book, Elphaba raised an eyebrow. "I'm not a part of this sleepover. I'm only here because I happen to be the poor, unfortunate person who has the trying taks of putting up with you each and every day. And, frankly...putting up with them," here she pointed a long, green finger at Pfannee and Shenshen, "wasn't in the job description."

But Galinda would not be deterred. "But Miss Elphaba," she said in a sing-song voice, pounding slightly on the bedspread, "you know you want to!"

"No, I don't know," Elphaba said smartly. "And, why do you even care? They're your friends. Go bother them!"

Galinda merely smiled wider. "Yes you do, I don't care, and because you're so much more interesting to bother!"

Rolling her eyes, Elphaba said, "Glad I can amuse you."

Forcefully pulling her taller roommate over to where Pfannee and Shenshen were seated, Galinda then turned to Elphaba. "Alright. Rules! No looking until we're done. It would ruin the surprise," she whispered knowingly.

"Well, imagine that," Elphaba muttered, shrugging Galinda's hand off her shoulder.

"No stopping us once we've begun," Galinda continued, "and no killing us, if you please, once we've finished."

Leaning back slightly, Elphaba asked suspiciously, eyes narrowed, "Why would I want to kill you once you're finished?"

Tastefully avoiding the question, Galinda said, "Because despite you being a bony, thin, pinched, rake...thing...you are admittedly taller than us. Plus, I've heard you have quite the temper."

"Heard?"

"Heard...seen...tomato, potato...whatever," Galinda said offhandedly waving her hands. "Anyway, Pfannee, Shenshen..." Galinda held up some brushes, "Let's begin!"

If I had any sense of faith whatsoever, Elphaba thought a whole hour and a half later, I'd say that there is someone up there who hates me. Elphaba thought a whole hour and a half later,

Of course, who needs someone in the spiritual world to loathe you when you have your own, 'I-Loathe-The-Green-Girl' Fan-club right here in the physical world?

"Ouch!"

"Oh, stop whimpering."

"I'm not. You're pulling out my hair."

"No we're not. We're making it better."

Elphaba winced as her head was jerked back slightly, no doubt in retaliation. Suddenly, Galinda appeared in front of her like a Jack-n-the Box with eyeshadow.

"I'm a little surprised at your behavior, Miss Elphie," she said as she attempted to apply said eyeshadow. Elphaba dodged.

"It's Elphaba," she replied coldly. "And why? Surely you don't expect me to fully go along with your little charade?" She snorted. Galinda made a mental note to remind her not to later. "Sorry to disappoint you dearie," the green girl continued, "but-"

"I didn't really expect you to go along with it at all," Galinda admitted, giving up completely on the eyeshadow.

Elphaba looked her in the eye. "You actually think I'd be able to do anything with you pestering me all night, as you obviously would have, had I refused?"

Galinda said nothing and flipped her hair slightly. Carefully watching the blonde's face, Elphaba found the traces of a smirk. She narrowed her eyes.

After several moments of watching she sighed. "This is all a ruse. Isn't it?"

Galinda merely continued to fuss with the makeup. Pfannee and Shenshen appeared not to have heard her.

Elphaba chuckled a bit. Knew it. "Oh come one. Just admit it. It's not that hard. Plenty of other people do it."

Galinda looked at Pfannee. There was no response. Elphaba raised her eyebrows and stood up.

Looking down at the three sitting girls, she said dryly, " I look ridiculous. Don't I?"

After one singular moment of utter silence, Pfannee, Shenshen, and Galinda burst out laughing. Between the laughs, Galinda managed to gasp, "Never thought you'd actually go along with it!"

Pfannee and Shenshen merely laughed until tears fell.

Then, to their surprise, Elphaba began to laugh right along with them.

"Hilarious! Real comedian you are, Galinda!"

As Elphaba continued laughing, Shenshen, Pfannee, and Galinda all stopped. They looked at each other in confusion. Still laughing, Elphaba looked up at the three staring girls. "What?" she asked, chuckling a bit.

They said nothing.

She settled her laughing, wiping one dark eye. She looked at them. "What?" she asked again. Still, they said nothing.

"What?" she demanded, almost all traces of laughter now gone.

Galinda opened her mouth and closed it several times, as if she couldn't think of any one thing to say. Spreading her arms, Elphaba almost laughed again as she exclaimed, "Aho! The perfect, good, Galinda has, alas, nothing to say!" She gave a cruel laugh. "Well, that's just lovely."

With that, the green girl stalked off to the bathroom, again slamming the door behind her.

The dorm room was silent.

Finally, Pfannee asked, "Is she just the tinsiest bit mad?"

Shenshen nodded frantically while Galinda turned towards her friend. The blonde frowned slightly. After thinking on it for a moment she replied, "Yes. I do believe she is." Putting a hand on her heart in a show of fake pity, she bowed her head of golden curls for a moment saying, "It's quite shame the poor string bean was born green. If it weren't for that, she may have had one or two friends. Of course, with her," Galinda stressed the word, "unappealingness, I wouldn't bank on it." Suddenly, she bounced back up.

"Oh Pfannee! I have the perfect dress for you to try on!"

As Elphaba washed off the make-up in the bathroom, she listened with dry amusement and disgust to the girls in the next room.

"Sometimes, I wonder what's become of the human species," she muttered to herself, putting oil on a towel and wiping powder off her cheeks.

She couldn't say she was surprised. With her being her, she should have actually been used to it by now. But, no. She had to just go along with Galinda's plan simply because she had been weak. She hadn't wanted to deal with her the rest of the night.

And, a little voice said, perhaps you had hoped she was telling the truth. Perhaps you hoped that she was sincere in her friendly attitude.

Narrowing her eyes at her reflection in the mirror, she ignored the voice. She didn't need anyone's pity or friendship. Didn't need it. Certainly, she didn't need Galinda's.

Avoiding the mirror's smooth, reflective stance, Elphaba wiped the rest of her face off, and resolutely opened the door.

Ignoring the stares of Galinda and company, she grabbed a book and sat of the window seat, back faced to them. She could not, however, block out their shrill voices completely.

"I heard that her family had tramped through Quadling Country for years and that's where her horrid manners and coloring came from."

"Yes, well I heard from a very reliable source that her mother had an affair with an elf!"

"You're both wrong. She was-is, excuse me, inflicted with a odd disease. Don't touch her, ladies, or you might catch it too!"

There's that infernal laughter again, Elphaba thought, teeth clenched.

"As if anyone would actually want to touch her! Apparently, her own father never has, and if her father can't bring himself to, who can, I ask you?"

"Well, perhaps a toad-"

Elphaba turned, "You are so dull-witted it's almost sad. Do you know how many times I've heard those little, 'jokes?' I've got an idea, take your useless mouth, and go buy an imagination with it," she said turning back to her book. "And," she continued quietly, idly flipping a page, "get a life while you're at it."

Before long, a dainty, pale hand appeared in front of Elphaba, pushing her book down.

"Yes, well...shows how much you know. You can't buy imagination," Shenshen said loftily.

Elphaba stared at her.

"Sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it?"

"Not as much as it is to you!" Shenshen shot back with a triumphant smile.

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Yes, it does!"

"No. It doesn't."

"Yes, it-"

"Alright, shut it!" Galinda yelled over Shenshen. " I hate yelling."

"Aw, but it was just getting good, dear Glinda." Elphaba said, her face buried in the book, waving her hand around for emphases. " I think Shenshen may have actually come up with something semi-intelligent."

" You, green bean, shut it!" Galinda shot at Elphaba before Shenshen could retort.

"After you."

"Foul-mouthed lizard!" Galinda cried, face flushing with anger.

"No-brained blonde twit," Elphaba gave back, her voice cool and emotionless.

"Social reject!"

"Cream puff."

Galinda gasped and threw her pillow at Elphaba's head.

The emerald girl gave a small yelp, dropping her book. Narrowing her eyes, she threw it back. Galinda squealed and began tossing pillows all over the room. Pfannee and Shenshen ducked behind Galinda's bed, and Elphaba tossed her book away, and grabbed as many pillows as she could, chucking them at the blonde's head.

Galinda quickly found that she was at a disadvantage. Her slight form was at least two heads below Elphaba's imposing height. When Elphaba came closer and started repeatedly whacking Galinda over the head, she used her height, or rather, lack thereof, to her own advantage. She bent down, and hugged Elphaba's knees, causing her to be caught off balance.

With cries, they both fell to the ground. Struggling to pin each other down, Galinda furiously clawed at Elphaba's long hair, causing her to hiss in pain.

They heard rather then saw, Pfannee and Shenshen run out of the room.

"Now-look what you've done!" Galinda forced out, keeping Elphaba's arm away from her face. "You always-ow! Have to ruin-everything!"

Elphaba smirked through clenched teeth, still trying to pin Galinda. "Oo, fancy that! Little Miss Perfect-is not- so perfect-after all!"

Pursing her lips and narrowing her eyes, Galinda smacked Elphaba full in the face.

"Bitch!"

"Green-skinned toad!"

Both struggled against each other, when they heard the door slam open and someone yelling, "Hey! You two! Shut it! Some of us actually do this crazy thing, it's called sleeping!"

Both girls jumped up quickly, both covered in their fair share of bruises and nail-marks. The door slammed before they could see who had yelled at them, and the dorm room was once again, submerged in silence.

Elphaba immediately straightened herself up, and then the room, saying not another word to Galinda.

Galinda fixed her hair with the help of the mirror, then returned her pillows. Frowning, she picked up the book Elphaba had been reading. It must have gotten tossed on her side of the room during the fight. The odd green-skinned girl was sitting on her bed with her back to Galinda, doing...something.

Silently, Galinda set the book on the bed. Whirling around suddenly, Elphaba's dark, soulful eyes met Galinda's wide, innocent blue ones. They each locked on the other. Brown and blue. Different and normal.

Elphaba broke the gaze first, eyes darting to the left and right.

"Well?" she asked inquiringly.

Galinda merely continued staring at her. Shifting uncomfortably, Elphaba demanded, "What?"

Shaking her head slightly, Galinda snapped out of her daze and scowled.

"I loathe you!" she spat forcefully.

Elphaba smiled nastily, "Oh, well that makes two of us then," she said, picking the book up and putting it away indifferently. "So much easier to remember.."

Galinda scampered back to her bed and climbed up on it. "Yes well, you look funny!"

Elphaba gave her an odd look. "So do you," she countered nonetheless.

After sticking her tongue out at Elphaba, Galinda pulled the covers up and put out her light and said decidedly, " I will never in a billion, million years be your friend, Miss Elphaba Thropp."

Turning out her light, enveloping them both in darkness except for Galinda's sparkly, pink night light in the corner, Elphaba answered turning her back to Galinda, "Oh yeah. That'll be the day."

Then, screwing her eyes shut she drifted off to a sleep filled with the ever-annoying snores of her dozing roomie.

It's a funny little thing called, The End!!

A/N: Short, sweet, and hopefully enjoyable. Did it rock? Did it stink? Drop a review by if you wish. I love to hear from you guys! I don't appreciate flames however. :)