50 Shades of Kulecron

I remember when I first met Garrick. He had heard me voice acting and showed interest. We skyped for a few weeks, and I thought he was pretty funny. He said "fuck" every third word which, me being the dominatrix I am, thought it was damn hilarious. I also LOVED his Shrek addiction-his Shrekdiction-we both had dreams of being that lucky man in Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life.

Then one day, he said, "Hey, you want to come to PAX with me?" I said yes.

When I first met him, the first thing I noticed was his lips. Those amazing, puffy, pink, clouds of loveliness. Whenever he spoke, the first thing I was drawn to were his beautiful lips. I mean shit, the first thing I said was, "Damn, you could land a plane on those things!" When I thought he was just gonna get pissed and walk off, he laughed, and said "But only your private jet," after which he winked.

And a spark was lit.

I think he noticed too, because every time I looked into those eyes, those big, beautiful eyes, I saw us. I saw a lovely house in the countryside with us in it. And in the backyard, a lovely puppy named "Fuckboi McGee" would run back and forth, attacking-and usually killing-all the mailmen who came to our house. I saw our son, named "Leroy", our daughter, "Waitforit", and our third kid, a boy, named "Jenkins". It was amazing, and we both wanted it to happen.

The week I came home, he skyped me again. He seemed different though. He seemed more aggressive, a bit more passionate. But I enjoyed that change. But he had another side to him. He was passionate. He would say the simplest things like, "I wonder how big your penis is?" and it was those little things that would make me happy. I loved how he could be passionate and loving at the same time, and it only made the love between us grow more.

A couple weeks later, he invited me to his house in Colorado. Naturally, I said yes.

I packed up all the things I wanted for the trip, namely my special box, which I named, " The Stripper Starter Pack" which contained the contact info for a midget stripper agency I knew about, an iPod with nothing but 100 tracks of "Let's Get it On" and three gallons of sour cream. I also packed a flare gun, in case I was attacked by bears or other dangerous beasts that roamed the cul-de-sacs of Colorado, and my favorite copy of Robot Roller Disco Derby Dodgeball with the "nude mod" installed.

During the wild and exciting trip from Washington to Colorado, I witnessed many new and adventurous things. I saw a mom van full of children with a road raged mom in the driver's seat ram an 18 wheeler on a 2 lane highway. I saw one of the fabled "Rest Stops" I had heard of in tales of olde that were known to be dens of thievery, murder, and drug dealing. I drove by a famed "McDonalds", a hellhole I had heard of that sucks people in, fills them with poisonous slop, and never lets them leave.

But eventually I reached Garrick's house. He was waiting outside the house with a sign that said, "welcum fukboy rbin". After I got inside, he offered me a soda, which I promptly drank.

He then said, "Come on, I'll show you around the house."

The first place he showed me was the bathroom.

"This is where we leave Jazzy for days on end with no food or water if she's disobedient," he said casually.

Then he showed me the living room.

"This is where normal people watch TV, but we youtubers watch an average of 2 miliseconds of TV a year, so I don't really know anything about this place."

Then, he showed me the basement.

"Here's where I do all my YouTube and twitch shit, your PC will go here. But don't look at mine, cause I always leave a tab up of and you don't want to see some of the shit I have on there."

"You obviously haven't seen my special box," I said with a troll face.

Finally, he showed me his room.

The walls were covered with unrelated phrases scrawled on the wall. Some of the more notable phases were, "The chicken is a lie," "Down with the horsefuckers," and "Wow bro u srsly cum me?"

I asked what all of these were for, and he simply responded, "It all started when I was 6."

We stared at each other for about 2 minutes, me expecting a follow up, but I didn't get one.

"Hey, you mentioned a 'special box' earlier? Funny as that is, I have one too."

"Oh!" I said eagerly. "Well let's see it!"

He walked up to a poster showing fluttershy beating rainbow dash in the face with a fire extinguisher and pulled it back to reveal a hole in the wall. In the hole, was a cardboard FedEx box.

He removed the box and placed it on the bed and opened it up.

The box contained a myriad of items: a shrek mask, a delux pack of life savers and a tube of superglue.

"What's all this for?" I asked.

He turned to me and screamed in a Scottish voice: "'Eetl all be revailed when the toime cooms!"

End Chapter 1