A/N: I don't own Doctor who or anything really.
This story is kind of plotless on purpose. It's based on that River's suffer didn't end in her childhood.

I don't know how long I can go like this. The Doctor is not here. He hasn't been here for a while. It could have been days, it could have been weeks. I have lost the track of time. It's really hard to say with the same darkness and heavy rain behind the window. I feel like in prison. Well I actually am in prison but I am used to that. I have been imprisoned many times. When I was younger it was from one prison cell to another. But now I feel really trapped. It's not that I couldn't escape but where would I go anyway?

I could escape. Oh yes, I could. I could physically leave this prison and soon be back again. The guards are used to my leavings and comebacks. Unfortunately it doesn't help. I tried. But I'm a prisoner of my own mind. My mind is the worst prison for me. No matter where I go, what I do, with who I am. The Pain is always there with me. Very special people can rarely slow it a tiny bit, so I can laugh couple of times but soon, it's all gone before it even properly started.

Only he can make it better, make me better.

He is the Doctor after all. He's the only one. I need to get a distraction but nothing is distracting enough. Something always reminds me of him soon again and I have to hold myself.

Maybe I could tell him about this. No idea what that This is but it has to be something. I guess he would even listen but then? What would happen? Would he send me away? Would he think I'm incredibly weak and never come to me again? Would he just stare at me for a moment and then laugh thinking I'm joking? I doubt he would help me. And even if, he would probably leave me afterwards or things would never be the same again. But he doesn't seem to behave anyhow weird, so my future self probably never told his younger self.

That's another problem, those messed timelines. I see him younger and younger. It has always been that way so far. I don't know what future holds but it doesn't help anyhow now. I met his older self before, he could heal me. But this one? Sure, he can stop it for a moment, when I'm with him but nothing more. I'm afraid that one day he won't be there for me at all, or he won't be able to do anything with my issues at all. That's why it's important for me to learn what to do with it myself. He won't be there one day, or maybe it will kill me in the meanwhile, maybe it will make me go crazy! god knows.

I can't think straight. The time period is getting longer and longer every hour, every minute, every single second. I can feel it but I can't count it. Or maybe I just don't want to count it. I miss him more and more. I wish he were here. I'm in Pain. Angsty Pain. I don't know what's wrong with me.

It never actually goes away. It's always there. All the time. Even when he comes. He visits me, we go on an adventure together and his presence brights up my day, week, sometimes month. But it is still there. It's still killing me. But his presence can slow it down, stop it or even heal a bit of my dead self but only when he is at his best. With him around me, on one of our adventures, I can't feel it. I'm free of it. I'm finally happy again after such a long time. That's the true feeling of freedom.

But as he steps into his box and disappears once again and soon, the Pain is eating me up again. Doubts, memories, thoughts, nightmares... They never stop. They keep on hitting my head, from inside. I always try to stop it but it's stronger than me. He can never know, he can never see, he can never notice, how vulnerable I actually am. I smile, smirk, stun, joke, look strong, kill Daleks, it all to give a good impression, to not ruin those precious moments we, I have. To have some nice memories.

But in the end, it's all just a feed for my Pain.

I hide it in front of him or solve with him other problems, so that he doesn't even have a time to notice this. Because now, with this young Doctor, there are shards of it sometimes even when he is around. Other problems we, or more the universe has; Daleks, Silence, Weeping angels, Cybermen, help me to get distracted and keep down my urge to tell him.

I tried to get rid of it myself but I don't know how. I don't know what to do.

I take the book; the blue book; my diary. All of the adventures we had together are written in there. Some of them are so old, that I almost forgot them but one can never actually do that. After reading the first sentence, it all comes back to me again. I start to read our old adventures. More and more often I find myself doing that. Sometimes it makes me cry. Not because it's sad, it's not sad at all. It's actually very happy, too happy but the happiest memories make me the saddest because...they are just memories after all. Just stories. Nothing more. It won't ever repeat.

Another pastime activity I do is dreaming about new adventures. All we or he could do. It doesn't matter whether I'm awake or asleep. Sometimes it's hard for me to differ these two.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks of me. Who am I kidding? Of course he doesn't unless I'm running around like a machine, doing all the things he can't. But the true is, I can't do it either without his presence. He doesn't have time to think about his wife. He is too busy with saving the universe, fiddling with the TARDIS or showing off to his companions. Well he doesn't even know I'm his wife most of the time. It wasn't proper wedding anyway. I forced him to it. Oh how niave I was, thinking that making him marry me, would make him love me.

I love him. I care about him. But does he care about me? I know that he doesn't love me. That's not his style. In all his Time Lordiness, he is somehow incapable of loving people. Especially people. Like me. Still, I like to think that he does because I do. I do so much and it hurts to know that he can never love me back. I guess I will just have to learn to live with it.

After a long while of being alone in prison like I am now, I always come to the point when I start to feel a bit better. Only a tiny bit but it is there. It comes always after lots of pain and crying on my cot but it is there. It feels like my brain starts to repair itself again but... exactly at that moment, the Doctor comes for a visit.

We spend time together, go on an adventure, have some fun and too soon it's over again. I'm left in my prison cell alone again. With new memories. New beautiful memories, the Pain can use against me. And all the selfrepairing of the brain is gone again. I'm able to go on for a moment from the energy I earnt from seeing him but it doesn't last too long.

Would it help if I left? If I escaped the prison and never came back? I would never see him again. It would be horrible, but after a while I might be able to get to the point when I start to get a bit better again and he couldn't visit me to stop the process. Would I end up happy? I'm not sure. But I don't want to loose him. I don't want to leave him. And just this tiny spark is not worth the risk of never seeing him again.

Maybe everyone actaully feels this way, like even ordinary people. They have it a bit less complicated but still very similair. Nobody talks about it and it's not like I would know an awful lot of ordinary people, but if they really do feel the same, then there has to be a way how to survive this. Way, how to get used to this without going insane, otherwise madhouses and hospitals would be really full. I don't like to think about myself as an ordinary person. I've been very eccentric ever since; in prison all the time, regenerating, shooting Daleks. The heck I made a Dalek beg for mercy and still... I'm not happy or any better than an ordinary person, who goes to office everyday and spends evenings by watching soap operas on TV.

As I'm thinking about it, that might be the way. The solution for me. Get out of the prison, stop going on adventures, stop stealing cars, stop fighting aliens... Just get a normal job, normal house, normal friends and start to live as ordinary average person. That will definitely be a lot less fun but maybe it will be also lot less pain. Settle down, finish my university studies, probably take the place in office... that doesn't sound too bad.

Okay, it does.

The Doctor who visits me these days, is so young and it can't heal me too well anymore. But still he is there and I like to pretend that it's actually him, my Doctor, who could do anything. Well it's not true but I don't think about that when I'm with him. But... the more I pretend and lie to myself, the more it hurts when I realise the truth...