In the moments before the portal had closed, I held onto him with everything. I felt his grip tight on my wrist as we disappeared into the blue. I knew I could do it. I knew I could keep him with me and pull him home. I was so damn sure. Everything we'd done in Purgatory would have been justified by this. All the crap I'd put him through since we met would, in some part, be forgiven.
But he let go. He threw off my hand just as we got through and stood watching as I left him behind. I couldn't understand the look on his face.
Why is it he slipped away? There one minute, gone the next. It's Cas all over. He steals your heart but never stays long enough to give it back.
I believed in him.
Just like he believed in me all those years ago. He pulled me out of Hell. I just wish I could've pulled him out of Purgatory. I wish I could've told him that he was forgiven. That he didn't deserve any goddamn thing that had happened to him.
He didn't need to punish himself by staying. I wonder if he knows that all he did was punish me.
...
Dean, I'm sorry. You have to understand I was trying to save you. It's all I've ever been doing. I wanted to make sure you got to the portal safely, so I had to have you believe I was going in with you. I tried to tell you.
The thing is, I've never understood myself. I realised God didn't care. All I ever had faith in was taken away and replaced by two hunters who knew nothing about anything. That's what our garrison thought about you. The boy with the demon blood and the older brother who loathed himself.
I remember the first time I appeared to you in my vessel. I thought you were so weak. So human. You even tried to stab me.
So at first, I did my job. But the more time I spent in your presence, the more I grew to like you. And the more I liked you and started to puzzle out your ways, the more I found myself questioning things I'd never given a thought to before.
Soon I was falling, plummeting so hard and fast that I didn't have any time to think about what was happening. Lucifer, Michael, Raphael, the Apocalypse, Leviathan, Crowley, they all came at once.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I believed it. And all the while I kept watching you defend me again and again. Cas would never betray us for Crowley. Cas is on our side. I kept wondering why you didn't see it from my perspective. In truth I was hurt, so I hid it from you.
When we freed the Leviathan, everything went wrong. It wasn't supposed to happen like it did. I was so confused. Disappointed in myself.
Somewhere along the line I broke Sam's wall. I could never forgive myself for that. Day by day I watched you, I went into your head, tried to figure you out. You were so sad. Before I would never have concerned myself with anyone human, so I didn't understand what I was feeling. I thought I could finally fix things by taking away Sam's pain, the pain I had brought on not just to him but to you. So I did, and I was so much happier. But every time I looked into your head after that, you still bore the same sorrow. I was happy, but you were still sad.
And when we were forced into Purgatory together...it was like the God I had stopped believing in had answered me at last. I knew I belonged there. I had to atone for my sins. I had to do my time for making you unhappy.
I tried to distance myself from you – you were already sad, and there was nothing I could do to soothe that but protect you from afar. You were already sad, so I reasoned that it wouldn't make a lot of difference if I was gone. You'd probably had enough of me at the time, anyway. That was what I thought.
I'm so sorry, Dean. I've never been able to figure myself out, let alone you. I thought I knew what you wanted. I should have been by your side helping you fight, but when I checked in with you I realised you'd already found someone else. And I accepted that.
I suppose, among everything I don't know, the one thing I'm certain about is that letting go was the right thing to do. I think you'll realise too, however much you might not want to. I've caused you too much pain. You're better off on your own, just you and Sam, like it was before you met me.
You've needed me since I saved you, but you've kept growing stronger from that day. Now that you've finally had to save me, you have proven you don't need me anymore. I'm just an angel with wings dragging in the dust.