Disclaimer: I don't own Tegami Bachi or the poem 'If' by E. E. Cummings.

Spoiler Alert: Contains spoilers up to manga chapter 45 and 2nd season of the anime.

A/N: Written in Noir's POV. Takes place around chapter 38, episode 15 of the second season.

P r e t e n s e

If earth was heaven and now was hence,

And past was present, and false was true,

There might be some sense

But I'd be in suspense

For on such a pretense

You wouldn't be you.

-'If' by E. E. Cummings

From the moment you regained consciousness, you have been taken for someone else.

They call you by a name that isn't yours, welcoming back someone who has not returned.

When they embrace you, it is with a type of desperation—clinging onto a past they can never let go of.

I've missed you, Gauche. Let's go back home together.

Inside the house, there are pictures and corners of memories that should make you feel warm, nostalgic…

But this is not your home.

How does the soup taste?

This is your stage.

It's delicious. How many years has it been since my heart felt so warm?

You are but an actor.

Inside those fragmented memories you received is a boy with your face. He smiles with eyes much gentler than yours, laughs with an innocence you never possessed. He has never seen darkness like you have.

The boy worked himself to exhaustion for his crippled sister; risked his life for a little boy he hardly knew; took up dangerous jobs for a single goal. He is naïve and so, very foolish.

But you don't condemn him. You've seen how he has touched people's hearts, how he made others happy, and you think that maybe you're just a bit envious.

Would you have become like that, if you had been brought up the same way as he?

You know that you are not him.

But every time you speak the way he speaks, smile the way he smiles, you think that it might be fine to play this role a little longer.

The people around you love you, need you, and isn't it all right to bring them joy like this?

You have grown to cherish their laughter, the sight of their happiness, and you think that perhaps you understand Gauche a little better now; perhaps you're a little foolish yourself.

I'm really a lucky man, aren't I?

But you haven't forgotten those mutilated bodies, those humans who have become monsters— live experiments failed and tossed aside by the government like a pile of trash.

You know that this pretend life will need to end, and you are prepared for the pain you will bring them when the truth is discovered.

Ever since you woke up, you've been lying to us this whole time?

Yet, seeing his tears, his anguished face— there is a tinge of regret.

I just wanted…to live together…with Sylvette and Gauche again.

In the end, you can't do anything for the people you care about.

You just tell lies, and pretend to be kind, Noir!

He can never accept you because you are not the one he wants. His tears mourn the death of an illusion.

And maybe you're mourning, too, for the person you can't become, for the memories that aren't yours and the love that isn't for you.

Still—

My feelings toward you and Sylvette were my true heart.

Even if he no longer cares about you,

if I could be loved, and needed, by such kind people as you and Sylvette…

If only things could be different,

if I could stay in this town forever with the two of you…

If only this role was not a charade,

how happy would I be.

A heart that is lost will never return,

But if past was present, and false was true,

Even if it was just a pretense,

I wanted to become you.