A/N: I do not own ER. Must not be my lucky day, huh?
A/N: And the number one question on your mind is...where the hell is my update? Okay, here's the deal. I know I haven't updated my chapter story in awhile. I do plan on updating it next week. The reason I wrote this was because I found myself yearning to write an angsty Carby story. Also, I have been writing a lot of A Miracle Happens Here, and from what I've written, I clearly needed to vent my Carby angst into another outlet. In the interest of making the chapter story less angsty, I worked out all my angst in this story instead - at least, I hope I did. Haha.
Song: Too Late
Artist: Fisher
Dr. John Carter walked through the African jungle alone. The heat was unbearable; his t-shirt was sticking to his skin and beads of sweat were dripping down his neck. He continued to walk through the trees; he didn't really know where he was going, or even why he had decided to walk down this path in the first place. There was no one around him, nor any villages or animals. He had come to this barren jungle desert in order to find himself. Somehow, in the mess and tangle that were the trees ahead of him, he was supposed to find a reason for being here. He told himself that he needed space, needed time to think…or is that just what he thought he needed?
How much had he really left behind in Chicago? Gamma was dead; Mark was gone. He could live without seeing some of the people in the ER again. Luka had been sent back to Chicago after catching malaria. His family, now that Gamma was gone, was barely worth his time. He didn't really know them, anyway. That only left one person left he could ever have a reason to stay for.
Gone are the chances I have passed by
- sewn all my seeds to the wind
Time can be nothing but pain in disguise
- I'll never see you again
Maybe Abby would be a reason to have stayed in Chicago, but Carter couldn't stand to face her again. Their relationship had grown too complicated for him. It was a poisonous amalgam, one that neither of them could survive. He had already ended it with her, for crying out loud – written her a letter and everything. Their relationship was over. He could no longer be the support that she needed. She was broken and he couldn't fix her. She leaned on him, but when he needed her she wasn't there for him.
Maybe that wasn't fair. Carter anxiously probed his own thoughts. Was it fair?
Did it even matter anymore?
And it's too late
to think of what I've left behind
- dreams that have faded from view
Was it worth trying to figure out if it was fair or not? Carter didn't want to find himself reconsidering his decision to stay in Africa. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. He couldn't handle Chicago, couldn't handle her anymore. But now…What had changed?
Too late – too late
I've burned all my bridges with you
and I can't walk on water
I miss her, Carter realized. The thought brought tears to his eyes. How could he have been so stupid? He had been in love with Abby for years, practically since he had first laid eyes on her. He had waited patiently by while she dated Luka, watched their relationship fail, but still without making a move. It wasn't until the monkey pox scare that he had ever made a move on her. He could still remember the first time he kissed her, the touch of her soft lips against his. He could still remember the fear and uncertainty in her eyes as she asked for reassurance that they would be okay, wouldn't die themselves. He had loved her right from the start, even after she had gotten him sent to rehab in Atlanta. In fact, Carter couldn't recall a time when he hadn't been in love with Abby.
The road that I've traveled is all that I know
-paved with each piece of my soul
And it's taken me far - but left you behind
and I'm longing to see you again
And now he could never have her back again. He had already caused her too much heartache and pain. They weren't right for each other, never had been no matter how much Carter wanted their relationship to work. She had problems of her own between her mother and her brother and Carter found himself drowning in that mixture of insanity. And then there was the funeral.
Carter had to admit that he still blamed her for that. If it hadn't been bad enough that she had left him alone after Gamma had died, it was even worse that her brother had caused such a disturbance at the funeral. She had tried to apologize, but he just couldn't accept it.
But maybe that wasn't fair either. She didn't make her brother manic; she didn't deserve to have a family that made her life so difficult. She didn't bring any of these troubles onto herself, but they still happened. How could he blame her for something out of her control?
But it's too late
to think of what I've left behind
-dreams that have faded from view
I can't be thinking like this, Carter scolded himself. He felt like such a jerk. He had abandoned the woman he loved for reasons that weren't even fair. He had lost one of the only beautiful things he had in his life. He had lost not only his lover, but also his best friend.
Too late – too late
I've burned all my bridges with you
The sky suddenly began to rain. The cold rain felt hard on Carter's dry skin, but it was still better than the scorching heat. Rain in Africa was welcome because it didn't come very often. It replenished the earth, bringing with it life. Now it made it seem like the whole African jungle was lamenting Carter's loss.
Did I reach for a sky that wasn't my own?
Lost in my own world
-now I can never come home
to you
He had made some bad choices, and now he was going to have to live with the consequences. It wasn't right for him to go back to Abby, to return to Chicago and expect her to welcome him with open arms. He had already caused her too much pain. He had blown his chance with her. It would not be fair for him to hurt her like this again. He couldn't expect her to be faithfully waiting his return. He didn't want her to have to cling to hope as though someday they might get back together.
And it's too late
to think of what I've left behind
-dreams that have faded from view
Too late- there's no turning back
- nothing that I can undo
Carter continued to walk through the jungle, slowly making his way back to the camp. The rain continued to fall hard, unrelenting. It cried its lamenting melody, and Carter found himself crying along with the rain, crying for his choices, his actions, his losses.
And I can't walk on water
He had come to Africa to find himself, find some notion of reason in the world. Ironically, all he had managed to do was lose himself in its vast jungle, tortured by the consequences of his actions.
He had lost Abby in the jungle; he could never find her again.
A/N: Well, I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please review; I would love to know what you thought of it. You can expect the update of A Miracle Happens Here next Friday.