Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, Earl Grey tea, and the swear words. I only own the plot
A/N:
Pointless
one-shot with a dash of craziness, a pinch of weirdness, some crude
foreign language. Throw in a few crazy characters of Yu-Gi-Oh, mix
well, and stir a little. Serve it on and viola! Don't
sue me if you get some sort of fan fiction poisoning! Read at your own
risk! Click at the "Back" button on the top left of your page if you
hate swearing!
Title: King of Swearing
Ryou hummed his favorite song as he prepares lunch. It was such a fine day, there was no school as everyone's favorite tomb robber "accidentally" burned down the building. He glances towards the clock and murmured "5 more minutes before he gets back." He put the medium rare steak into the oven to keep warm while he sets the table. Bakura would sure get cranky if lunch wasn't at the table the minute he steps into the house.
The front door knob jiggled signaling the tomb robber's arrival, along with a string of ancient Egyptian curses.
"Curse you Ishtar, if you manage to hide, we won't get caught by that stupid old goat!"
"Hey! Now you're blaming me? You're the one who'd picked a lousy place. There was no hiding place except for a tiny weenie box that didn't even cover half of my ass!"
The word "Ishtar" perked up Ryou's ears, luckily he made a salad big enough for everyone. There was another string of Arabic curses which made Ryou glad that he didn't understand Arabic before his yami boomed "Hikari! I'm hungry!"
"In here!"
Malik strode casually into the kitchen along with a pissed off Bakura.
"Hi Malik, care to join us for lunch? I made salad." Ryou asked hopefully, having a guest over was a rare occasion as everyone tend to stay as far away from his psychotic yami.
"Sure, I'm kinda hungry too." Bakura snorted at Malik's reply.
"Just because you get to stay for lunch doesn't mean you're forgiven." the tomb robber hissed between mouthfuls of steak.
"So, what you guys been up to?" serving up a big bowl of salad, the albino try to sound curious instead of demanding to know if Bakura had caused trouble again.
"Oh, we tried to kill…"
"Ok, end of conversation…" Ryou wasn't sure if he wanted to hear anymore in case he'd puke out he's already half eaten lunch.
"Hmph, fine." Bakura shoved steak and salad into his mouth without even blinking. The hikari sighed and shook his head, his yami's infamous table manners, or lack of it hadn't changed since he got his body. He'd eat like a starving Somalian, shoving food down so fast you'd think that someone's trying to steal his food.
"Tomb robber, you eat like a total pig. Cut it out before I lose my appetite."
"Screw you."
"Screw yourself."
"Shut the hell up!" apparently Bakura was still mad at Malik for failing their 'Murder (insert unlucky person here)" plan.
"Asshole"
"Sissy"
"Shit face."
"Gay."
Ryou sighed and buried his face into his hands. Maybe having Malik over was a bad idea. Just when their bickering went to pointless cursing, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get that." The white hair hikari mumbled, even though he knew these two weren't listening.
"Boot licker!"
"Dick kisser!"
---At the front door---
"Oh hi guys. What winds blew you here?" Ryou chuckled when the door revealed the one and only Game King and his short little hikari.
"The Sahara sandstorm of Doom." mumbled Yami as he receives a jab in the ribs from Yugi. The ex pharaoh had dreaded to come to the "Lair of the Tomb Robber" as he called it but Yugi was insistent that they pay Ryou a visit today.
"Come on in, err…don't mind these two."
"Codswallop!"
"Balderdash!"
"What in Ra's name is going on in here?" eying the duo, Yami considered taking a whole bottle of aspirin when he gets home from this "little" visit while Yugi greeted them nervously.
"What does it look like? We're trying to swear like Englishmen." Bakura barked while Malik glared at the ex pharaoh who is first in their hit list.
"Oh lovely." Ryou rolled his eyes as he poured his guests some tea. (A/N: Is it me or they're all getting a bit English?)
"Since the royal "Hindness" as arrive, I might as well challenge him to a Shadow Duel!" the fiend seizes the opportunity to wipe out Yami from the face of earth, rubbing his hands in anticipation.
"You're on." Yami already had his deck shuffled, smirking smugly.
"Please, can't we all just get along? I'm sure there's a better way to settle your non existing dispute without trashing my house." The albino hikari have had enough of wasting money repairing his house again.
"Yami, we're here for a friendly visit, not a hostile take over." Yugi snatched his dark's deck away from him.
"But Aibou, that bloody tomb robbing, son of a rotten papaya challenged me first!"
"Ay! You can insult me but you're not insulting my mother's cleavage!"
Everyone goes O.o
"Huh?"
"Alright! Scratch that one!"
"Idiots! Why don't we just settle this with a "The Swearing Competition"? Me and Bakura hadn't got the chance to finish what we started." suggested Malik as he did a dramatic "I am a genius" pose.
"Fine! Whatever! As long as I get to humiliate the pharaoh."
"Good, pick a language then." Yami's lips curled to a devilish smirk, which gets on Bakura's nerves to no end.
"I put first dibs on Japanese!" Malik screamed immediately, obviously he was enjoying the swearing contest.
"Good, I'll take Korean instead."
"Since when does Yami know how to speak Korean?" Ryou asked Yugi as he sipped his Earl Grey.
"Nah, he only knows Korean swearing. Pick it up from a Korean guy who dueled him last week. Every time Yami blasts his life points, that guy would belt out curses. Yami kinda learns from there."
"Well that leaves me Chinese then, eh?" Bakura was determine not to lose to the pharaoh again, even it was a stupid, pointless contest only a brain like Malik could come up with.
"Though I don't encourage this but at least you get to keep your house in one piece." Ryou only nodded as he refill Yugi's cup.
"Alright, let's swear!" the trio roared.
"マンコ(manko)!" yelled Malik gleefully much to Ryou and Yugi's groans of disapprovement. (means vagina)
"개새끼(geseki)!" barked Yami. (means son of a bitch)
"臭婊子(chòu biǎo zi)!" hissed Bakura. (means stinking whore)
"チンポ(chinpo)!" screamed Malik again. (means dick)
"새끼(seki)!" (means bastard)
"去你媽的 (qù nǐ māde)!" (means fuck off)
"糞っ垂れ(kusottare)!" (means shit drip)
"좆대가리(Jot de-ga-ri)!" (means dickhead)
"王八蛋(wáng bā dàn)!" (means bastard)
"気違い(kichigai)!" (means crazy)
"똥먹어(Dong mogo)!" (means eat shit)
"死三八(sǐ sān bā)!" (means bitch)
"白痴(hakuchi)!" (means retard)
"똥구멍(Tong kumong)!" (means asshole)
"混账(hùn zhàng)!" (means son of a bitch)
"非人(hinin)!" (means non human), by this point, our favorite tomb keeper was struggling with more Japanese profanities. "Aw crap, if I don't come out with another one, I'll surely lose!" thought the tanned boy.
"It's that all you got Malik? 씹새끼(shib seki)!" Yami definitely enjoying that Malik is still struggling with words. (means whore)
"Not so fast fools! 干你老母(gàn nǐ lǎo mǔ)!" the tomb robber roared in amusement. (means fuck your mother/ kill your mother)
By then, Malik had panic, "Oh crap crap crap crap, I can't come out with another one! Kuso!"
"Sorry but you're out, you said "Kuso" before." Yami chuckled darkly.
"Arrrgghhh! Why? Why? Why?" the Egyptian boy banged his fist onto the floor in anger.
Both Ryou and Yugi shook their heads, "C'mon Malik, I'll make you some tea." Ryou offered kindly.
"Alright, back to business. One down and one to go. You ready to lose, tomb robber?"
"In your dreams, pharaoh."
"고자 (go ja)!" (means a dickless man)
"狗屎堆(gǒushǐ duī)!" (means a pile of dog excrement)
"You leave me no choice, tomb robber. I'll end this with 니기미 씹이다(Nigimi ship e dah)! And 좆같은 년(Jot gaht eun nyun)! (means you're a mother fucker and you fucking bitch respectively)
"Hah! You better think twice before you swear coz I'm gonna beat your sorry ass with 操你祖宗十八代 (cào nǐ zǔzōng shíbā dài) (means fuck your ancestors to the eighteenth generation), 叫你生孩子没屁股眼 (jiào nǐ shēng háizi méi pìgu yǎn) (literally, "May your child be born with an imperforate anus, similar to "damned"), 瘟神 (wēn shén) (means trouble maker).
Yami was at lost of words, his mouth hung open, if he didn't shut his mouth up flies might flew in. Bakura laugh in triumph, standing on the dining chair. "I beat the pharaoh! I beat the pharaoh!"
"What! Noooooo! This can't be happening!" screamed Yami after coming over his initial shock. He pulled his hair and join Malik banging his fist on the floor.
"Come to think of it, I think your last swear word fits you more than Yami." Ryou pointed out while Yugi went to help his Yami.
"Hmph, whatever."
"Yugi! Yugi! Yugi! This can't be happening! I can never lose to that damn tomb robber! I must be dreaming! Somebody shoot me!" screamed the over-reacting pharaoh.
"My pleasure!" Bakura's eyes lit up hearing Yami's "request" and pulled out a sub machine gun out of nowhere.
"Oh no you don't. I' too tired of cleaning up any blood." Ryou immediately snatch the sub machine gun away from his yami and threw it back where it came from, nowhere.
Ryou looked around in his kitchen, a dancing and laughing psychotically psychopath yami, a screaming and wailing ex pharaoh, a head-banging-on-the-floor Malik, and a hands-full Yugi.
"Umm…more tea anyone?"
--Fin--
A/N: Yes, I'm crazy if you'd like to know. I'm gonna get my ass kick by writing this fic. At first I was planning to let Yami win but decided that our dear tomb robber should at least get a taste of winning too. (Dodges trash thrown by Yami's fans) Please don't kill me! And review please! Arigato! (Dodges knives thrown by Malik's fans)