Well hello there, long time no see, I blame the mess of my life for that aha. Since I last updated any of my (two) stories I have managed to break 2 fingers, bruise all the bones in my hand and wrist, fracture my ankle, split my nose open and have had managed to cut my head countless times, so yeah been a bit busy aha ;) I am hoping to still update in the shadows soon but I have a bad case of writers block, which I'm hoping, is going to bugger off soon aha.

This is dedicated to Katy who gave me the idea for this story and has been awesome and encouraging and shiz like that aha . Also Abbey and Callie who have been just amazing with me lately you guys are amazing! This is for you guy's xo

Afghanistan 6th March 2012

The gunshots rung through her ears but yet that wasn't the worse thing, gunshots she could handle but yet the most simplistic of things like standing at attention her superior officers spacious office, her mind was spiralling out of control, she knew what this was about but speaking about it was not something that she was keen on doing.

"Major Nicholls!" A stern voice behind her commanded, but she didn't flinch, she didn't spin at her superiors call, this wasn't just anybody calling her, this was the army something where discipline and respect where shown in different ways so instead of turning she quickly lowered her arms down to the small of her back and raised her legs so they where her feet were directly together so she was standing at attention. "At ease Major" Sam quickly went back to her previous position still unable to make eye contact, partly due to the fact of her position restricting her to do this but also due to fear of seeing what was hiding behind the older woman's eyes.

"Thank you ma'am" The young woman replied quickly.

"Major Nicholls, you know why you're here, we need to discuss the issue that has come to light, and it must be addressed." The woman said before moving so she was out of Sam's line of vision as she went to the filing cabinet on the far side of the room and retrieving a file from the third draw. Instead of looking at the older woman's face all Sam was staring at was the reflection of a woman she no longer recognised.

"Ma'am with all respect I do not believe it needs to be addressed, it can be dealt with, it does not need to be formally addressed" Sam replied with a little more force than she meant.

"Major Nicholls!" The woman shouted slamming her hands down on the wooden desk which led to a crash which did make Sam jump before quickly resuming her position not wanting to anger the powerful woman anymore than she knew she already was. "You know full well that this is not something to be messed with" She yelled her face turning red with anger and frustration at the young military trained medic. "This is not something to be messed with, you know the effect that this can have, you've seen the worst case scenario," She continued her voice softening slightly before her title came back to her. "So don't pretend that this is easy to handle as I know its not! Now sit down, this is going to be resolved NOW!" She said pointing strictly to a chair on the other side of the desk.

Holby 8th December 2012

Sam sat bolt upright in her small bed as she heard the sound of her alarm clock ringing, breaking into the thing of the past, which had become a nightmare even whilst it had been happening. She hit the snooze button and flopped back down into the warmth of her bed and rubbing her eyes willing them to adjust to the bright lights that where entering through gaps in the her beige curtains.

She reluctantly moved from the comfort and warmth of her bed before moving towards the kitchen of her small flat. She walked with her duvet trailing behind her as she went to the kettle making herself a strong coffee, for the way she was feeling she was defiantly going to need it, once again a night with little more than three house sleep was defiantly beginning to take its toll of her, her head was constantly spinning and it took all of her energy not to fall asleep every time she sat down for even a few seconds.

She sipped a mouthful of her coffee relishing at the momentary boost of energy it gave her before she once again felt exhaustion take over her once again, she leant down against the hard surface of the kitchen counter and leant forward to grab the sugar puffs that's where waiting in the same place as they where every morning since her tour had ended.

She pored some of her semi-skimmed milk into the bowl and began to eat the sugary cereal hoping it would giver her a much needed sugar and energy boost which was needed to keep her already jumbled mind straight and in tact. She grabbed the remote and switched on the small grey TV. that was held on the wall by a metal bracket, the TV. automatically switched onto the news broadcast on ITV, and listened to the broadcast that was being sent across the nation.

"A soldier from the 3rd Battalion Yorkshire regiment has been found dead in the home he shared with his partner in North Yorkshire" The familiarity of the news's theme tune hung in the air before the female reporter continued her story once again. "Twenty-two year old Private James Martin was found dead at the flat he shared with his partner Elizabeth O'Rieley Twenty-one yesterday evening. The soldier had just finished a six month tour of Afghanistan and in a statement released by the ministry of Defence the Private was said to have had shown no psychological irregularities when he was dismissed from service earlier this month, however we have been informed a full formal investigation has been indicated. More on this story at 10." Sam stopped drinking her coffee and looked at the picture that was displayed on the television in front of her. It showed a young man in full army kit with his beret place firmly over his dirty blonde hair, only pride in his brown eyes as he smiled at the camera whilst holding his partners waist tightly as though his life depended on it. As it was taken before his tour, he probably felt it was.

Sam quickly switched of the program off unable to listen to the future broadcast of yet another lost from the desperation to leave what they had witnessed and to permanently remove it from their mind. She turned into her bedroom and began to change into a pair of navy blue skinny jeans, a long-sleeved black t-shirt and a woolly grey cardigan. She sorted her dirty blonde hair into a French-plait and held it together with a black elastic band and pulled it from underneath her cardigan. She placed the little makeup she used on which consisted of only a little foundation to make her look a little more 'human' than she felt.

She pulled on her brown boots, grabbed her car keys and headed straight to her small blue KA that was parked outside her flat. She strapped herself into the drivers seat and headed in the direction of the Emergency Department cursing to herself for not bringing a pair of gloves as she felt the bitter weather hit her cold. She rushed as quickly as she could with the ground as slippy as it was, with the thick layer of ice, which was covering the ground. As soon as she entered the staff-room she flopped down onto the sofa rubbing her eyes as she did so, allowing herself to close her eyes for just one moment, hoping to reboots her energy levels even mildly. Her breathing slowed as her head fell back and her eyes sealed shut. She was at peace even if it was for just a few moments…

Sorry if this is a bit confusing. Not sure whether this should be just a one shot or a full story, that will dependant on whether people like it and tell me. If you hate it tell me that too and I will leave it as just a one shot Hope ya liked it.

Till the next time (maybe) Brooke-Marie xo