Advice From Your Favorite S.T.A.R.S.
Wesker and Chris
Advice Part 1
Wesker: Hello and welcome to our advice column!
Chris: I'm so happy that we started this advice column, Wesker. -cries-
Wesker: ... -punches him in the face- There. Now you have something to cry about. And you should be. It was your idea. -right eye twitches-
Chris: Anyway our first guests is the lovely Jill Valentine and good, old, senile
Barry.
Wesker: Hey, that's my line! -slaps Chris-
Chris: -rubs his cheek and cries- That hurt Wesker!
Wesker: So? Here's Jill and Barry!
Jill: Hello Wesker, I'm glad to be here.
Barry: -looks around confused- Where am I?
Chris: -scoots chair next to Wesker-
Wesker: -pushes Chris back away from him- You're on our advice column, Barry. Jill, would you like to say anything about yourself?
Jill: Well, Chris I have something to say to you, I am breaking up with you.
Chris: -his bottom lip trembles, starts to cry- But...but...I love you.
Jill: -stares blankly at Chris- ...So? I'm going out with Carlos now.
Chris: -Blinks then cries- I hate Carlos. -turns to Wesker- Will you kill him if I pay you a large sum of money?
Wesker: ...No.
Barry: Who is Carlos? And shouldn't we be answering questions?
Chris: Oh, right the questions.
Wesker: Here is the first of the questions.
ZombieBait: Chris, why are you such a sissy, wussy, pansy, crybaby, fatso?
Wesker, I love you. Go out with me? I'm gothic, have a great wit and I hate Chris.
Barry, How's the family?
Jill, you go girl.
Chris: I am not a sissy, wussy, pansy, crybaby, fatso. I am a strong, sexy man.
Jill: Thank you for the compliment.
Barry: What family?! Who's family?! Who is Carlos?!
Wesker: No. I do not go out with mere mortals. They are a waste of my time.
SkittlesTastetherainbow:
To Wesker: Will you tell me where you buy your hair gel and sunglasses? Chris, you suck. Jill, kudos for snagging Carlos. Barry, here's your meds.
Barry: Ooooo ahhhhhh. Pretty pills. -takes them all at once smiles like an idiot and passes out-
Jill: Thanks, sweetie. Nice name by the way.
Chris: -cries- I DO NOT SUCK!!!!!! oh, and he buys his hair gel and sunglasses at Dollar Tree.
Wesker: -growls and kicks Chris in the groin- I do not. Next question.
Merchina58:
-Pets Barry- So pretty.
Jill, why did you ever go out with Chris?
Wesker, you rock.
Chris, don't talk to me.
Jill: I was desperate and needy. It was a sad time in my life.
Wesker: Thank you.
Barry: -snorts-
Chris: -whines- Everyone is against me!
Jill: Next!
Milkyway333:
Wesker, Could you send the T-Virus to me, so I can be superhuman like you?
Chris, I hate you!!
Jill, Why are you going out with Carlos??
I'm available and I'm better looking than Carlos.
Wesker: No. Only strong, sexy men like me can have the virus.
Chris: Have they been talking to you, Wesker?
Wesker: No. Why?
Chris: They hate me.
Wesker: So?
Jill: Moving on. No, I love Carlos with all my heart.
Barry: Next!
-Wesker, Chris, and Jill stare at him blankly-
Barry: What?
Chris:...Nothing...
Wendydo/what/tastes/right:
CHRIS!!111!!!! I lyke Lurve u!!
Marry me!!!!!111!!! I want to bear ur children!!!11!!!!1111
Wesky, stop being soooooo mean 2 poor Chrisy. I 3 hym!!!1111!!11111!!!1111111111
Chris: -backs away slowly and hides behind Wesker, wimpers- Save me!
Wesker: -Growls evily at the paper- Must hunt this person down and kill them!
Chris: -wimpers again-
Jill: ...O...K...
Barry: -snorts and wakes up suddenly- Huh? What?
Jill: Nothing. Just some Chris-obessed fangirl wanting to bear his kids. Here's your pills. -hands Barry white and pink pills- Go back to sleep.
Barry: -takes pills snores-
Jill: Last question.
Midnight666:
Jill, what's your secret for staying sooooo skinny??
Wesker, when you take over the world, can I be your assistant??
Chris, you suck!!
Barry, are you okay??
Barry: I'm just fine. -falls back asleep-
Jill: The reason I'm skinny is because I'm a vegetarian.
Chris: Why does everybody hate me?? -crie-s
Wesker: I work alone. Now that concludes our first part to our advice column. Next, we will have William Birkin and Ada Wong as our special guests.
End Of Part One