Mitsuko took the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Anyone else besides me wonder where Mitsuko was at the end of A Figgis Agency Thanksgiving? No? Just me then…
Where's Mitsuko?
"Another day another freaking riot we caused," Cyril groaned as he drank at a bar. "Still one of my better Thanksgivings."
"Me too," Krieger agreed. He was drinking at the bar as well.
"Hell yeah," Pam laughed. "Damn it, what does it say about us?"
"It says our lives are clearly missing something," Ray remarked. "Fortunately, it isn't alcohol." He took a drink.
"Guys," Cyril blinked. "You ever think that all this alcohol is part of the reason we get into these messes?"
Everyone paused. "Naaahhhhhhhh!" Everyone said as one before taking a drink.
"Hang on," Krieger paused. "I have a feeling we forgot something. Or someone."
"Oh, Cheryl's fine," Pam waved. "She's just passed out on the floor."
Cheryl was indeed passed out on the floor giggling in her sleep.
"No," Krieger shook his head. "Something else. I can't put my finger on it…"
"Good because you'd probably have to wash it," Pam snickered.
"Anybody seen Mitsuko?" Ray realized something,
"Yeah, I haven't," Pam looked around. "Krieger where's your girlfriend?"
"We must have left her behind," Cyril realized. "Oh my God we lost her!"
"How do you lose a woman that's basically a freaking light show?" Pam snapped.
"Well somehow we did!" Ray snapped.
"Relax guys," Krieger waved. "She's made of light and can jump into computers and phones. She's fine. She's probably chilling back at the agency in the servos as we speak."
"Yeah Krieger's right," Pam waved. "She's a hologram that can…What did you just say now?"
"She's basically a self-aware computer program that can move about on her own free will from one operating system to the next," Krieger explained. "Probably why I can't actually kill her. Oh well…Still fun in trying!"
"Hang on…" Cyril realized something. "Krieger are you saying you created a sentient computer program that can go anywhere and do anything she wants?"
"Yes," Krieger nodded. "Is that a problem?"
"You don't go to the movies a lot, do you?" Cyril snapped.
"Cyril relax," Pam waved. "Mitsuko is basically a light up sex toy. What damage could she possibly do?"
"Not as much as we did," Ray winced at images of their out of control house party showed up on TV. "Just hope nobody recognizes us."
"Who's going to know?" Pam snorted.
Meanwhile at a certain house in Berkley…
"I tell you this world is going to Hell in a handbasket!" Lemuel Kane snapped from his armchair as he and his family watched the riot on television. "You can't even have Thanksgiving without some fools causing some kind of trouble."
"Lana I am so glad you and AJ are here with us," Claudette Kane nodded as she watched as well.
"So am I," Lana said. Then under her breath she muttered. "It gives me a good alibi."
"What was that?" Claudette looked at Lana.
"I said I could go for some pie," Lana said smoothly.
"Later dear," Claudette waved. "After the news."
"I don't know," Lemuel grumbled. "News like this could give anyone indigestion."
"Is that…?" Claudette winced as she saw the footage. "Used toilet paper all over the place?"
"And what's with the goat?" Lemuel asked.
"Oh lord someone stabbed that poor man's eye with a stapler!" Claudette gasped.
"What kind of people would throw an insane out of control party like that?" Lemuel huffed in indignation.
"I have no idea," Lana said with a straight face. She didn't even wince when she saw a shot of Ray, Pam, Cheryl, Krieger and Cyril running away among the crowd. She did however pour herself a small shot of brandy from a decanter nearby.
"Police are looking for the owners of the house," Darlene Love reported over images of the riot. "Hang on, this just in. The house was apparently owned to be sold by the Tunt Real Estate Agency."
"Of course it was," Lana groaned as she took a drink.
"What do you mean?" Lana's mother shot her daughter a look.
"I mean…" Lana caught herself. "Whoever threw that party knew no one lived in there and decided to hold the party there. Happens all the time."
"She's right," Lemuel nodded. "You see it all the time on the news. Usually it's a bunch of damn kids breaking into someone's house and throwing a party."
"There you go," Lana said. "Exactly."
FOOOM!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Although I've never heard of a house party that could shoot down a helicopter," Lemuel blinked.
"Authorities have finally identified the object that shot down the news helicopter," Darlene Love was at the anchor desk in a news studio. "It appears that it was a turkey stuffed with seafood. Apparently, it was some kind of deep frying accident gone horribly wrong."
"What kind of idiot stuffs a turkey with seafood?" Lemuel shouted.
"Police confiscated several bottles of illegal beer that was filled with some kind of hallucinogenic additives," Darlene reported. Behind her was an image of bottles labeled K-Brew, The Krieger Brew.
"No surprises there," Lana groaned as she took another drink.
"Drugs," Claudette nodded, misinterpreting Lana's comment. "Always about the drugs."
"This world is going to Hell in a handbasket," Lemuel huffed. "And I thought your idiot boyfriend Archer was a degenerate."
"Lemuel!" Claudette snapped.
"It's all right Mom," Lana sighed.
"What? I meant these people are worse than Archer!" Lemuel snapped. "Although it was hard to imagine so at the time."
"Not really," Lana sighed.
Just then Mitsuko's image took over the screen. "Hello people!" She made a sexy pose. "It's Sexy Mitsuko Time!"
"WHAT THE HELL?" Lana shouted as Mitsuko started dancing around in her skimpy outfit.
"I knew stations were desperate for ratings," Lemuel remarked. "But I didn't think they were this desperate!"
"Oh my cherry blossoms wilt for my fans," Mitsuko purred as she danced around.
"I don't freaking believe this!" Lana groaned. Then she finished her drink.
"I expect this from Fox," Claudette huffed. "But not Jaguar News!"
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Darlene was heard shouting. "WHO'S DOING THIS?"
"Give Mitsuko her own show!" Mitsuko danced around. "I know what boys like! And some girls too! He he!" She flashed her holographic panties.
"I don't believe this," Lana groaned. "I don't freaking believe this!"
"I agree Lana!" Claudette snapped. "I thought we were finally above this sort of racist sexist drivel!"
"Apparently not," Lemuel remarked. "Damn I love this news show."
His wife and daughter glared at him. "I mean…" Lemuel caught himself. "I'd love to see Jaguar News explain this shameless grab for ratings. Shameless. Just shameless."
"Yeah, they're shameless," Lana grumbled as she poured herself another drink.
"Oh, we're going to get e-mails about this," Darlene groaned.
"Damn right they are!" Claudette snapped. "Starting with me!"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have clearly just been hacked," Darlene looked infuriated. "Jaguar News does not condone this type of programming. I do not condone this type of programming! Obviously, this is someone's sick idea of a joke."
Mitsuko appeared again behind Darlene and started dancing around. "What the….?" Darlene realized what was happening. "Get this damn thing out of here!" She started to wave her hands at Mitsuko.
"Can't touch this!" Mitsuko laughed as Darlene's hands went right through her.
"WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE NERDS FROM CYBER SECURITY?" Darlene shouted. "OR ANY KIND OF SECURITY?"
"Lazy, lazy gaijin wheeeeee!" Mitsuko flew around the studio tormenting Darlene.
A phone rang near Claudette. She picked it up. "Susan? Yes, I'm watching this too! I agree! It's in extremely bad taste!"
"Dr. Susan Arata?" Lemuel guessed. "From the Japanese-American Cultural Studies Program."
"Yes," Claudette nodded before returning her attention back to the phone. "Yes, Susan I agree we need to do something about this. No, I think forming some kind of protest outside the studio isn't out of line. And possibly suing the people responsible for this!"
"Oh God…" Lana took another drink.
Lemuel noticed something. "You've been drinking a lot today Lana."
"Not as much as I should," Lana sighed.