Can You Feel My Heart?
Summary: Castiel has lost his wings-for good this time. Not used to his newly human form, he seeks the comfort of the Winchesters-specifically one pie-loving, self-hating hunter.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Supernatural.
One-Shot
Cas sat around the map table with the Winchester brothers, both staring at him for an explanation for why he hadn't contacted them in weeks.
He considered making up a false excuse, covering up the real reason why he hadn't contacted them. But the former angel knew that they would see right through him.
Castiel sighed as he grabbed the beer they had slid over. "I...I lost my wings."
Dean's expression immediately softened and Sam's looked mostly confused.
"What? How?" Sam asked.
He finished his beer quickly, setting the bottle back down on the table. "I had been hunting for Gabriel. Ever since he came to me in that illusion I had been looking for him. My brothers, Rastiel and Haleem captured me outside of a cabin in Atlanta, Georgia. Under heaven's orders, they removed my grace and knocked me unconscious. I woke up hours later in Chicago, no food, no money...nothing. I...I didn't know what to do. So I walked here."Dean's green eyes widened. "You walked?" From Chicago to Lebanon? Without food or water?"
He nodded. "I couldn't do anything else. I suppose I could have stolen a car, but truthfully I do not know how to hotwire a vehicle."
The ex-soldier-of-heaven looked to the floor. "That's why it took so long. I couldn't get a hold of a phone because I had no money and apparently looked homeless. I managed to steal some water gas stations but was always caught and forced out before I managed to get some food."
Dean worried for the angel...well ex-angel, now. He hadn't done too well his first run at being human, and an instinct to care for Cas unexpectedly washed over him.
Dean went to the kitchen for a minute and brought back a turkey sandwich he had saved and handed it to him. "Eat. We'll set you up in the room next to mine. After you eat, shower. You can borrow some of my clothes for now."Cas nodded, accepting the sandwich gratefully. "Thank you Dean."
He attacked the sandwich, moaning in pleasure at the pleasant taste of the substance. He had forgotten the feeling of hunger from his previous time as a human. Food, the ex-angel decided, was one of the best creations humans had ever made in their evolution.
Sam came around, rubbing his friend's shoulder. "We'll figure it out, Cas." Before retreating to his room.Cas finished the turkey sandwich as Dean came back to the room, setting some of his old clothes down on the table. "Um, here's some of my old clothes. They should fit you for now, we can buy you some more of your own later."
Cas looked up at the older hunter, noticing his cheeks were pinker than before. Is he warm? The former angel thought. It isn't that warm in here, though.
He shrugged it off as a normal, unfamiliar human thing and took the clothes, shooting a grateful smile towards Dean and walking off to the bathroom.
Though as an angel he didn't need to shower, he knew where almost every room was, just in case of emergency. He reached the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him. He took of his beloved trench coat, undid his tie, and peeled off his dress shirt. Staring at himself in the mirror, he couldn't help but hate how human he looked. Mortal. Perishable. Transient. His eyes were red from lack of sleep, his ribs visible beneath his pale skin. His hair dirty and uncombed, along with his body. He was sweaty from hours of walking. He looked so utterly powerless.
How human he felt too. His arms and legs could barely hold his weight he was so weak. His eyes drooped with fatigue. His stomach, though he had just eaten, growled, demanding food. His bladder annoyingly full. His insides churned with sickness because of how he's treated himself. His once enhanced mind now felt foggy. He felt so helpless.
He was there as his Father created mankind. He was there during the flood. He was there when Mary gave birth to the first Nephilim, Jesus Christ. (A/N: This isn't confirmed or anything I just thought it would be an interesting theory.) He was the one who told Abraham the fate of his son Ishmael.
He had been alive for several millennia, witnessed Creation firsthand. But now, he was a meer mortal, a insignificant speck on Earth, reduced to such a small being.
How Cas hated it.
Once he figured out how to turn on the shower, he let the scalding hot water soothe his aching muscles. He took the bar of soap and washed himself, also lathering his hair with the shampoo also in the shower.
Stepping out, he dried off with a towel Dean has also given him and relieved himself. He dressed in the clothes Dean had given him, gathered his old, dirty clothes, and set off to his room to put them away.
deancas deancas deancas
Cas stepped into the kitchen, causing Dean to double-take at his appearance.
He had given Cas an old plaid shirt, some jeans, and his boots that didn't fit anymore. He'd never thought Cas would look so good in them. The plaid shirt fit his frame nicely as did the jeans, and the look itself looked good on him.
Dean caught himself staring and shook his head a bit, dismissing the thoughts from his head. He'd come to terms that he maybe wasn't as straight as he thought he was a while ago, but refused to let that get in the way of anything.
Cas walked towards Dean, standing next to him and leaning on the table. Dean repressed the urge to wrap his arm around the ex-angel.
"How you doing, Cas?"
Cas shrugged. "Okay, I suppose. Not completely thrilled to be human again."Cas refused to say how he really felt, which was a lot worse than he had led on.
Dean looked into Castiel's eyes, seeing how the former servant of heaven's true feelings about his situation.
"If you need to talk...I'm here, okay?" Dean assured, the urge to comfort Cas overcoming him again.
Cas nodded, looking at the hunter with his bright blue eyes. "I will, Dean."They sat there in comfortable silence before Cas stood all the way. "I'm going to go...get some sleep."
Dean saw a flash of pain register on his friend's face before it disappeared.
"Alright, Cas."
Castiel trudged to his room and closed his door, collapsing on the memory foam, sinking into the comfort.
deancas deancas deancas
Cas was broken.
It had been a month after his reunion with the Winchester's and the routine of their lives returned to normal.
Except it wasn't.
Dean and Sam still went on hunts, Cas tagging along sometimes. He couldn't go after Gabriel as a human, and there was little else he could do. He had become a better hunter overtime, adapting without his angel mojo.
Dean made it better. He treated Cas the same, and treaded around the topic of angels and angel mojo around Cas. Sam did the same, but it was obvious he was a bit uncomfortable with Cas'...humanness.
Cas now sat on his bed, unable to gain the strength to get up and walk out. He had only been a human for 2 months, but it had seemed like a lifetime. He had been human longer before this, but now it felt completely different for some reason. Maybe it was the fact that his brothers took his grace, maybe it was the month spent trying to get to the Winchesters. But it was something, and Cas hated it.
"Cas? What are you doing, we're getting ready to-" Dean shouted as he came and opened Cas' door. He saw the ex-angel staring at the wall, unmoving, eyes dead and shoulders slumped.
"Cas…?" Dean said softly.
Unable to prevent it, a tear rolled down Castiel's cheek, followed by another, only increasing Castiel's hatred for his...new human tendencies.
"Cas!? Are you okay?" Dean asked, dropping his weapons bag and lightly cupping Cas' face without thinking, only wanting to calm his friend.
Uncontrollably, Castiel just started crying. Tears stream down his cheeks and he hiccuped on every other breath, almost choking on his own tears. Dean pulled the former angel close to him, his heart breaking. He'd never seen Cas cry, even when he was human before. "Just let it out, Cas."And Cas did, he just...he couldn't hold it in anymore. His hatred for his humanity, his lack of powers, his inability to do anything. He hated it and himself for getting in this situation. His bright blue eyes were now clouded with emotional pain, his heart feeling like it was being squished.
Cas squeezed his eyes shut and clung to the hunter, gripping his plaid shirt like his life depended on it. He sobbed uncontrollably, placing his hand where the mark he had left on Dean was, as if he could grasp onto the tiny amount of grace there and never let go.
He missed his wings.
His wings, massive, full, beautiful. Him being the leader of his garrison, his wings were elegant and decorative. There were pitch black besides occasional tufts of silver feathers. Blue streaks branched from where the wings joined into his back to the middle of the wing. He missed them like a child would miss their favorite toy.
He loosened his grip and went limp, worn out emotionally and physically from crying. He felt lighter after his meltdown, and he felt no shame in the presence of Dean. If it had been Sam, he probably wouldn't have been able to look him in the eye for a while.
"I-I'm sorry, D-Dean." Cas hiccuped, still gripping Dean's arms.
Dean lifted Cas' head, forcing the ex-angel to look at him, and hesitantly brought their lips together.
Cas completely melted into the kiss. He pulled Dean closer by the face, savoring it. When they finally parted, Cas looked into Dean's eyes shocked but pleased.
"I'm glad you felt safe enough to be vulnerable in front of me." Dean said softly.
"I raised you from Hell, Dean, our bond is very profound." Cas said before he could stop himself.
Dean laughed, then kissed Castiel again. "Are you okay?"Cas smiled genuinely for the first time since becoming human. "I am now."
He kissed Dean once more as Sam came into his room, wondering where the former angel and his brother were. He found them kissing and walked out immediately, smiling softly.
He knew something was going on between those two.
That's it! The POV writing is kind of weird so I apologize for that? I tried to write in first person (Castiel) POV but then I decided to switch 2 pages in sooooo idk. I really wanted to write an angst piece (This is angst right?) and we've never seen Cas cry, like really cry, so I wanted to do that. Thanks for reading, constructive criticism is welcome as always! Thank yee :)
EDIT: I now realize Cas is a bit OOC, as he probably wouldn't express how insignificant humans are.