Tomorrow
show: Young & the Restless
central character: Nikki Newman
summary: One of the many knots in Nikki's heart come loose and she glanced out the window, a sleepy town now and one that will awaken at first ray of sunshine. / Or, Nikki Newman taking it one step at a time.
notes: This was the prologue to something else but the more I wrote, the more it became its own thing. I banged this out relatively quickly, so sorry for any typos or mistakes in there. This is just Nikki reflecting on recent events and Casey, her older sister, being her sounding boarding because she's carrying the heaviest burden.
disclaimer: I own nothing.

—

"I…don't know what to do… much less what to think, Casey."

"Okay," her sister sighs, "that's it. I'm flying over there."

"Please, don't. You can't leave your practice and your students. Your whole life is in New York."

"Genoa City is my home. You're my family."

"And I can handle it!" Nikki snaps, and then apologizes. Profusely. "Casey, I didn't—"

"Stop. You're a mess. I haven't ruled out getting the next flight out to Genoa City, but here's a compromise: you talk, I'll listen. You can tell me anything."

Nikki is sure she can't tell her sister everything. Not when she doesn't tell Victor and it gets harder to process what even happens. That's not to say she regrets it. She doesn't. She loses Dylan to a world he has to hide in or she'll never see him again. She and Paul never discuss that anymore. Or him. It feels like a death, one that is still an uphill battle with a lot of scar tissue to go around.

Then her mind travels to Nick as he's a stone throw away geographically but has the chilling that her son's good heart of flesh of slowly turning to stone. And then there's Victoria – her brave, courageous, strong girl but wonders how long before the brightness in her eyes disappears and doesn't come back.

—

Nikki tells Casey what she can – well, what she chooses to.

She vents to her sister because she knows she will listen and even with the tension and sharp pain in her hands. Even then, she talks. Chooses her words carefully, and cherry picks her phrases. The less Casey knows, the lower her chances are of being pulled into something bigger than her, Sharon, Phyllis and Victoria.

So, she tells Casey about how Nick confesses he hates what he does, how he wrestles with his conscience and how ultimately something breaks in him when Christian is gone and he never wants to feel that way again. She tells Casey how difficult it is to watch Victoria recede into a shadowed place inside of herself and how when Victoria does open up to her, Nikki feels how deep this kind of abyss is because it's so familiar. Her eyes are still the same beautiful blue pair that stare up at her when Victoria comes into her world, but there's a cold kind of steel in her face that is new to her. Her girl always has walls up. Doesn't tell the world when she's afraid and in pain. Now, Victoria's emotional walls are higher, reinforced with iron and seems wrapped up with barbed wire. If anyone gets too close to her, she will hurt them.

If they happen to be successful, Nikki is fully aware Victoria will make them bleed as she does. Victoria sighs finally and resolutely says she's done putting band-aids over stab wounds. She resents her father deeply for making her question her very existence as a woman – maybe if Victoria is born a boy, life will be easier and his approval will be easier to achieve – and is horrified to admit she hates her own brother beyond normal sibling conflict. Nick… he's… I look at him and think of the ways I can slap him. He talks to me and I'm so angered I want to rip his tongue out. I'm not violent, Mom. I…even hate guns. I'm such in a dark place. Dad and Nick put me back there after JT. But there's something there. It's dark, and bigger than me. All-consuming. I hate my own brother. I hate him. I hate my own father for making question why I was born a girl. It makes me sick to admit it, but it's the most truthful I've been in months.

Even that is more than she can take. She flinches, a particular intense flair-up between her middle and ring finger before it spreads to her pinky and paralyzes her thumb. It's more than a few seconds. And then it's over.

Casey won't know that, either.

—

There's a silence. It's one that means she's thinking. Nikki is missing her sister these days. Especially after that night but she's steadfast in her belief that maternal instinct is paramount over what she may feel about JT. She's back to being the girl who loves her father even when Casey tells her to be careful of his monsters.

In hindsight, Nick Reed does hug her a little too warmly where his large hand comes to rest on the small of her back. She remembers her father, warm and charming during the day and chilling at night when Casey leaves for her classes at the university. Looking back, Nick Reed touches her hair and still, it makes her shiver. Nikki remembers feigning sleep but when it does come for real, it doesn't stay very long but she loves him when morning light comes. But it's morning. Mom dies in a car accident and her father comes back to be with her and sister so it's okay.

Then one day, her father isn't her dad. He's what Casey warns her about. He loves her too much, too hard, makes her wonder why his hand goes up her night dress. One day, Nikki, he says as she holds rock still with forming tears in her eyes. She knows he loves her, but this is wrong. This is all wrong. It feels wrong, a man is going to come along and love you. Just like this. I'm teaching you so you'll learn quick. Nikki's younger self keeps her eyes closed, eye lashes wet with new and residual tears that make her cheeks clammy. Is this what Casey tries to tell her? She's so stupid for being so wrong.

You look just like your mother. She was beautiful while she slept – like you.

There's the monster in Nick Reed's the day she grabs the lamp. She can't find her sweet, kind dad anymore. Through fear, instinct and adrenaline, Nikki realizes that perhaps he is never there and dies when their mom does. It sits on the mahogany table older than her and Casey. It makes her wonder what things fester in the walls and between the fixtures of this modest Reed house. If Casey can use medicine to get away from here, she can too and figure out the rest later. Later doesn't matter – just right now. Her arm swings, aiming at her father's head. The impact is as loud as the sharp whistle of another passing train to nowhere. And then silence.

The lamp numbly slipped out of her grasp, the lightbulb flickering.

It's the same kind of flickering that she sees in Victoria's eyes and her girl's smile isn't as luminous. A mother knows. JT's words are a little too sharp, his grasp on her daughter's hand isn't as gentle and there's a shift in his personality far different from the man her daughter married. So, instinct drives her to find that fire poker and make Victoria's torment stop. It's not intentional. She supports the relationship more than Victor does partly because Reed's happiness – as tentative as it is – matters. As long as her grandson is stable and safe, that's what matters. Sometimes, Reed calls her more in the middle of the night. Ever since that night, she can't sleep and she suspects neither can he because Reed is nocturnal but sleeps like a rock. Hates mornings. Well, Mom, he doesn't fully wake up until there's coffee around, Victoria advises her with a laugh.

He tells her about his new school, how weird – in a good way – it is to be with all these different people all over the world. The music aspect is everything he needs to grow. She's glad to hear his grades are where they need to be, especially English, and that he's settled. She knows Reed plays a few successful shows and is slowly getting back into playing and writing, but it's been hard still. When the conversation shifts to JT, her heart breaks because Reed loves his father. She's so sorry and wishes things are different and this spectre of addiction and domestic violence doesn't touch him. But it's in his blood and it's Nikki's fault. She knows about the smoking and knows about the underage drinking and knows Reed is sweet, kind but rebellious and has an iron strong will of his own that leaves spinning out of control if left unchecked.

I'm not sad about not hearing from Dad anymore. If he can't with me, and he has to lay low, that's fine. I wish I knew either way. I talk to him all the time. Sometimes, I think he talks back when I finish writing a song and feel like it's good. I like to think he'd be proud of me. Y'know…in my gut, Reed says as Nikki listen and her eyes brim with tears and apologies dying on her lips before they can be said. But I wish I knew. He tried to kill Grandpa twice. He's been messed up for a while, but I can't hate him. I don't like feeling lost, Grandma.

"Nikki?" Casey's voice on her phone comes back as Reed's voice in her head fades. "Tell me you're okay and meant it or I'm flying out."

She sniffles, wiping at her eyes. "I'm okay," she adds quickly before Casey can be more doctor than supportive older sister. "I really am. I just wish…" she sighs, bombarded by the images of the hurt all over Victoria's face before she retreats into herself and doesn't talk about Nicholas or Dark Horse. Nikki knows how resilient her daughter is but knows she's so sensitive to feeling pain, she buries it. Nicholas is adamant he does the right thing. Logically, she gets it. She gets her son's motives and when she twists it around in a mental kaleidoscope, Nikki can see how her son is pushed to his absolute brink, but in her heart, she's so disappointed. Her past comes roaring back and she can't quite silence the noise. "Casey, I'm just scared."

"Reed's a resilient kid. He gets that from you and me. We struggled but we're okay. Better than okay. I just hate that Victoria's ordeal has brought what happened with our father up."

"Yes," Nikki replies, still hearing the thud of JT's body hitting her daughter's bedroom floor with the face of her father. The object is her hands could be a fire poker, a lamp, or the only way a mother can protect her only daughter. It's hard to sort out at night as she sleeps safely and nestled in Victor's embrace.

"I feel like I'm not doing enough for you."

Nikki smiled, "But you are. You're doing so much."

"Victoria's isolating herself because it's her way of processing what's happened. Her life has changed. Nick just wanted to be free when he felt trapped. I see damaged and broken people every day. Some people heal and some just don't. Others work around the damage and push forward. Those are the hard ones, Nik. You want to stand by Victor, want to tell Victoria everything is going to be okay, and want Nick to understand that impersonating JT is so much more than just one-upping his father."

"Exactly!" Nikki says, frustrated. "But he doesn't understand. And I don't want Victoria to…disappear. I don't want to want to be mad at Victor right when he's broken something in our children!" she sighs and adds quietly. "I can't face blaming myself because I've somehow perpetuated it."

"Family's never easy."

Nikki sighs, taking a breath, walking over to gaze at the window while the phone was pressed against her ear. She sinks into the window seat, no stars and the dark expanse above Genoa City like a void. Her eyes travel to a framed photo of Victor and their children in happier times, when things are easier and one of the few times where it's untouched by complication.

"No, it isn't. But there's always tomorrow."

Casey pauses again, but it's one of agreement, understanding and assurance.

"Good," Casey replies. "Because we're never sure of that. Just make it until tomorrow, and then live out that day and get to the next one."

One of the many knots in Nikki's heart come loose and she glanced out the window, a sleepy town now and one that will awaken at first ray of sunshine. She smiles, wryly, reflecting and waiting but grateful for the perspective and she thanks her sister for it.

The sun has to come out tomorrow.

fin