New Moon EPOV What will Edward do? He is alone after trying to track Victoria …. Rosalie's call and more… I tried to play off of what SM had written, I started wanting to end before the call, but Edward kept me writing, but I didn't want to veer from SM's story either, this is for all you Twilight fans! Like me J Please read, and review, this is the first I have ever shared my writing so if you think I should stop, please let me know! But please be nice 

In the Dark

In my dark that wasn't dark enough, I knew I deserved far worse than this darkness; my world, a world without music, without light.

Making the promise to Bella that she could live her life as though we….as though I, had never existed, was a promise that was broken as soon as I had made it.

Though I knew I could never deserve such a soft, and warm, and beautiful Bella.

I was the very reason for the word monster. More so now…..after having had Bella in my life, how many promises had I broken? How many more would I continue to break? COULD I break the one that counts the most? I already knew the answer to this, the real question… WOULD I break it?

I rocked myself with the agony of her absence, here in this dark and humid attic where I hid myself from the world beyond and thought, as I did so, if I really would break my promise….. but I already knew I would.

I didn't know when though.

I would run back to her right this moment if I did not question myself in yet another part of my mind.

I knew I was no good for my sweet Bella; but also, the stronger, burning sadness was the thought that perhaps she had moved on, would I keep existing if that were true?

I would beg through endless, countless burning nights of changing if it meant she would take me back. Though, my Bella deserved so much, so much more than me; and I have now proven that I am NOT ONLY that unworthy and deplorable creature she first met, that craved her blood excruciatingly so, but I am also a hurtful and lying beast!

So selfish I am, to want her, I cannot or should not entertain the thoughts of flitting to her side and to bask in her warmth....no....not EVER again.

The agony of letting those hopeful thoughts go though was so much worse, twisting my very core in a way I didn't know God or even the Devil himself could fathom.

My days went by in this way. Or maybe it had only been hours; Perhaps weeks or maybe months? Time without Bella meant nothing to me now. Every moment felt like and unending moment of eternity for me.

Somewhere, my mind acknowledged the changing of dark to light through the shingles and beams of the roof. Sometimes a glint of rosy pink or orange before the darkness seeped back again. This cycle of days was apparent in some way to me, but I did not follow it. I thought it could be decades passing from beneath my eyelids, hiding me from this cycle and the surrounding world.

My eyes closed again instinctively, needing to see my Bella's face behind my lids,

I could remember her warm and feathery touches, caressing my face here. Gazing at me like I was a great prize, and she was the lucky prize-holder, so absurd! My hands reach for her, but her expression starts to twist in my memory, first confusion, and then understanding quickly flashing to resolve, and lastly, vast hurt resulting in a nothingness so deep in her chocolate eyes. My image of my Bella closes her pale lavender lids as my hands form iron manacles around her wrists pinning her arms gently to her sides….my last touch,….reaching my lips to her forehead and forcing a crushing "Goodbye" to my love. "WAIT!" my image croaks…….UGH! NO MORE! PLEASE! I beg myself to just STOP!

Vaguely aware in another corner of my mind that my body is heaving forward on my knees, heaving nothing but air from the pits of my stomach for the thousandth time; Claws, raking up and through my body, trying to heave the agony from my core. My body hitches in a now familiar way, trying to cry once again as I fall backward and press my knees to my chest and mouth to keep from screaming. Raking my fingernails over the crown of my head, shaking, raking, rocking....trying to rid the image from my mind frantically.

My last image of my love, my Bella, which will always haunt my every thought.

I need her, my Bella, to sew up what is left of me. She is my thread and needle.

I will go back to her. I need to go back to her.

A distant corner of my mind acknowledges the mice that scurry around through the cracks in the rotting wood in the attic here, and also that through this fact of how little a danger I must present in my current state.

NO! My conscience side smote me, this is so WRONG! So very wrong!

I need my Bella to be happy, and with this realization I know that I cannot run back to her. I need HER to be happy more than myself. I deserve this…..

But I could go to her, JUST to check on her.

I could do that, couldn't I? Keep my distance. "Yes" I told myself, "if she is alive and well, yes, I could do this."

Brushing aside, trying to ignore the gut-wrenching feeling of the thought of someone else being the reason for her happiness, I hoped vainly that she has perhaps found a solitary happiness….. KNOWING that someday Bella WOULD be happy again; without my dangers haunting her life now. Except that Victoria is still out there somewhere.

Yes, I could handle checking on my Bella's well-being. Until Victoria was found and rid of, it is my duty to check on Bella. I would not think right now of how I would have to leave again….NO! No, no I would not think of that just now. I know I should, but I will deal with that when the time comes for me to. It is my pain after all, I know I deserve nothing less, but I needed to know Bella is well.

If she is indeed alone, which a part of me realizes is not only unlikely, but also not what I want for her. If she is though, she would still need someone to periodically make sure she is in no immediate danger anyway, right?

Bella should not be left unprotected and alone, even her father, Chief Swan, can not protect Bella from some things. Victoria, after all, was still out there.

My pathetic attempt at tracking had done no good at all.

Bella needed protection from the world, from Victoria, from me.....but I will not impose my life on her though, however, Bella needed someone to protect her. At the very least, to know she was safe.

Yes.

This decision awakened something in me with a jolt. Almost as if.....déjà vu.....I didn't have time to ascertain what it was or the consequences of this decision.

Just as soon as it was made I found my feet hitting the ground beneath me outside a tattered and depressed house. The air here felt heavy with humidity. Rotten smells invaded my senses as I flew through the neighborhoods in shadow.

I threw myself against the weight of the world as I ran for GIG airport. I would see my Bella soon. She would not see me, but I would be able to see her, bask in her light that radiates from her being from my shadows.

Within minutes I reached the glass sliding doors to the airport, impatiently waiting for them to open just enough for me to glide through them quickly. As I slowed myself to an excruciating human pace I reached the counter where a dark young woman in a navy uniform blazer and slacks clicked slowly on the keys of her computer.

As she looked up I noticed that her name 'Tiana' was written in black lettering on her gold nametag.

The woman Tiana looked at me with startled surprise.

Oh my lord! I wonder if I should ask him if he is ok, he doesn't look like he is…..maybe I should call Barry up here to see if he could help him. No, Barry wouldn't care to help anyone but himself. With this thought her eyebrows creased slightly under the tension.

Brushing aside the fact that I must look and smell to some degree as horrible as I feel; especially in these clothes that I have been wearing ever since setting foot on the continent; I addressed the kind woman,

"Hello Miss, I need a direct flight to Seattle Washington immediately" I said, trying to convey the importance of my need.

Could he even afford a flight? He doesn't look like he could afford a soda….ah well, he asked about a flight, directly….."I am sorry sir, there are no direct flights to Sea-Tac airport"

I all but got on my knees to beg, "Tiana, it is of the utmost importance that I be in Washington immediately, please, is there a route that is light on time?"

Tiana clicked her keyboard quickly and after a moment of searching her screen she touched it lightly, pointing, as if I could see as well, with her right index finger. Oh! heres one! "I see here we have a couple of available seats on our 12pm flight from GIG to Sea-Tac, the flight duration is 16 hours and 25 minutes with only one layover of 1 hour and 47 minutes at ATL airport." she said as she finally looked up at me hopefully.

I hope he will say ok to this one, it is the best I can do for him. I wish I could do more. I wonder if he can afford this? Does he want to know how much this will cost….lets see…..flight…..tax….

"That would be wonderful, thank you Tiana" I stated pulling from my back pocket of my dirty jeans necessary documentation and credit card and handing them to the small dark woman.

She took them with a bit of unease; "Sir, the flight is $1736.00 with $30.10 in taxes and fees so it will be a total of $1766.10" she looked at me skeptically as she fingered my credit card nervously.

I tried to force a small smile to my lips and nodded conveying that this was ok, giving her the 'go-ahead'.

Ohhh, I sure hope this works…..lets see, name….birth date…..destination…"Would you like a window seat sir?"

"Yes, thank you, that would be fine" I replied a bit sharper than I intended; I was growing quite impatient with this waiting and accidentally taking it out on this kind woman.

She finished quickly and handed my boarding pass to me along with my documentation and credit card.

I made my way through the thin crowd to the line of other passengers awaiting their turn to be let through to the international flights.

As I took my shoes off and placed them in a gray plastic bin I looked at the clock overhead the metal detectors, 5:37am it read…..I sighed impatiently to myself. How could this span of time seem so long to an immortal?

As I neared my gate I fingered my boarding pass, impatience and nervousness leaking through my finger tips. Was I REALLY doing this? I thought butterflies should probably be flitting from my stomach and through my mouth I was so entirely wound with so many different and conflicting emotions. I reached the counter and checked in with an abnormally cheerful man.

I noticed a single row of seats facing the counter beside the door that would lead to my plane. I turned and took a seat in shadow next to the trash bin, close to the side that bucked up against a short half-corner of a wall and leaned my head back to wait.

Anticipation and nerves built in the pit of my stomach again.

'My Bella', the thought of her pulled upwards now on a corner of my mouth; I sat here, imagining what she will look like when I see her again. I let myself run wild with my fantasy, reaching out to her and taking her in my arms.

Ah! To only feel her in my embrace but one more time.

Knowing this was an impossibility, yet I could not help but let myself dream, it felt so healing.

For a long moment I let myself drown in this dream, enveloping each and every one of my senses…

The feel of her warmth emanating from her, the feel of her hair on my lips, her skin, to gaze into the depths of her chocolate brown eyes, her taste on my lips and even her smell as that fire would claw up and down my throat, the flames licking up to my teeth, acknowledging her life and well-being. So excruciating, and yet so lovely and perfect.

I sat and let my daydream continue as I waited. How her warm fingers would lightly touch my cheeks and lips, wrapping her arms around me. As my heart would always hold her to me I pictured her holding me close, as if to never let go of me too.

This daydream, this pretending, it didn't seem to hurt so much right now. It was as if she knew everything was going to be ok now.

That by some strange twist, even though she would not see me, for I knew she would not, our worlds though would shift in a way....a sad peace or calm?

So strange, and what an odd feeling to have.

An obvious false sense that must be coming from the fact-how good it felt to know that this was indeed a fact! - that I would see her so soon.

I will be hearing her heartbeat, and hoping for once, for a cloudless and blue day. For that warmth of the sun to blanket her as her presence will me.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, sighing, being torn from my daydream, I reached into my pocket and glanced at the screen. Rosalie….I truly did not want to be bothered right now, and also fearing a depression that would come with talking to anyone in my family, but especially Rosalie; I shoved the phone back into the depths of my pocket.

I felt the vibrations halt and then pick up again. Rosalie could be quite persistent when she wanted something; but what could Rosalie want from me? She was possibly the one member of my family that was almost jubilant with the situation and my absence.

Perhaps Alice was using her phone? I was sure Alice must have seen the future fluctuate again and then settle in as my decision had been made.

Such an annoying little pixie my sister was…. loveable and caring, yes, but annoying sometimes all the same.

No, there was no need to talk to anyone just now; I was only going to Forks just to check on my Bella anyway.

There would be no sweet reunion. This reminder settled in, and as it did my legs involuntarily came up to meet my chest as I sat quietly in my chair. WHAT AM I DOING?!?! 'Just checking on her' I told myself. No matter how much this would hurt me, Bella NEEDED to be checked on. Especially now that Victoria was still roaming free.

The vibrations stopped again, and picked up yet a third time. I pinched the bridge of my nose, as if doing so would cease the relentless calls. 'STOP CALLING ME!!!' I wanted to scream, 'I just want to be left alone.'

I knew my sisters well enough though to know that no matter which one it was calling me, they would not relent until I conceded.

Grudgingly I reached back into my pocket to retrieve my phone once again. Already knowing it was either Rosalie or Alice (hopefully Alice); I did not pause to look at the ID. I flipped it open and barked "WHAT do you NEED!" a little louder than I intended.

Rosalie's voice answered in a sharp tone "Well don't I feel special, Lord Edward has graced us with answering his phone" she mocked.

I flipped the phone closed again before she could utter another syllable, annoyed that Rosalie would bother me and in such a manner!

I sat there feigning awareness, but moreover consumed with annoyance now, as my phone would halt its vibrations only to resume again. Minutes passed, I let my phone vibrate and run its course another 27 times before I conceded once more and dug it out of my pocket again. "What in heaven and hell do YOU NEED ROSE?" I did NOT want to talk to my sister, but if I HAD to answer to get her to stop calling I guess I could settle for yelling.

"I just thought you'd like to know that everything will be ok now, you can come home, it would make Esme so happy, everyone will be here waiting for you," her words were rushed with excitement and nervousness

"Esme and Carlisle should be home soon from hunting, I don't know how long Alice will take in Forks, but it shouldn't be too long"

I cut her off abruptly, "WHAT? ALICE? WHAT!"

"Alice went to Forks to help Charlie" she hesitated as if she had said too much.

I couldn't speak, I was so wrought with fury. I had told Alice to STAY AWAY from Forks, from my Bella; to stop looking into her future, to leave everything behind. I had done enough damage to my Bella, and Alice's visions only caused some kind of renewed hope and depression to ensue, mingling as one within me.

I knew she had seen me going back to be with my Bella, but perhaps now she saw that the depression from having to leave her again would finally destroy me? This thought almost brought on renewed hope that I would, no matter what, not have to endure this existence much longer.

I knew Alice would try to keep me from that, and protect Esme and the rest of my family from the loss of me. It was enough that they had to endure losing Bella, but me too…. I was already gone, but my absence kept my family from knowing how far; But Rosalie was not telling me everything it seemed …..Charlie, why would Alice be helping Charlie with something?

If Alice was there to take my place as Bella's protector, to go and only check on Bella for me, then contact would not be necessary, I would rip her apart, calf from knees, knees from thighs, wrists from elbows from shoulders…..if my inhuman body could turn shades under fury I was sure I would be a deep shade of purple!

"Rose…" I demanded for her to continue quietly through gritted teeth as I seethed.

"Well, ok, I know Alice said we were not to say anything, but I am sure you'd find out anyhow," her voice picking up a slight mocking edge before continuing, "and the sooner you know the quicker you can get over this and be home with us"…I waited.

"A couple of days ago Alice got a vision, she truly wasn't trying Edward," Rosalie started, trying to protect Alice I could tell.

She needed protection from me at this point. In another corner of my mind I was running through different avenues of attack, and how best to get around Jasper. He would certainly ascertain how livid and consumed with fury I am and try to protect Alice…from me.

"I'm so sorry Edward really, but it will be ok! You'll see…." She pleaded.

I waited.

I waited some more, "What will be ok Rose?" was she really apologizing so fervently for Alice's sake?

"….she's dead Edward." Rose said in a subdued tone, as if I should know who she was talking about. She paused for a long moment.

A simple statement. The words all seemed to make sense, on their own, but not together, and not put into context with our conversation. I shook my head, trying to rid it of the only possible truth behind her statement.

"I'm sorry, but I think you do have a right to know. Bella jumped. She jumped off of a cliff face into the ocean and…..Alice would have helped, gone sooner, but it was already too late. And you know how much Alice has always loved Charlie too…."

Rosalie stopped abruptly, it was then that I realized that she hadn't stopped but that I'd shut the off.

I sat, frozen, for an unending moment.

This could not be! My Bella! Beautiful and sweet, forgiving Bella! My head screamed silently or aloud I was unaware, at the same time my body felt it was being torn everywhere at once.

Rosalie had to be lying. There was something else happening here. Maybe she…..but no.

Nothing made sense, this had to be some kind of sick joke on Rosalie's part? Maybe Alice had seen me go back to Forks, and since I was already on my way she thought she'd have her fun with it?

I opened my phone and slowly dialed the one number I promised I would never call again…..