(Setting: In a big church, with a very large audience in front of a podium. Curtains to podium open, and an old minister bearing a cane slowly walks up to the front of the podium.)
Old minister: Fellow people, my friends. How is everyone doing today?
(audience applauds and one idiot yells 'GREAT, PASTOR!')
Old minister: That is very pleasing for me to hear. Now, I'll start us off by saying that God is truly with us today. Can you all feel the power within you?
(members of the audience look at each other and shrug)
Old minister: Yes, he is. He truly is. And with us today, he has led to us a man. But not just any man now! He has brought us a wonderful man, with many connections to and plenty of love for the Lord. He will, in a moment, share with us his life stories. But first, lets collect the offerings. Everyone, we will be passing around an offering plate. Please give generously!
(a bunch of executioner-looking guys walk into the aisles with offering plates, camera zooms into one of them)
Offering collector: (walks up to a man and shoves the plate in his face) MONEY! MONEY!!!
Man: Um, I'm truly sorry sir, but I didn't bring my wallet with me...
Offering collector: (takes the plate and hits the man upside the head with it as hard as he could)
Man: (leans over, has a big lump on his head) Ow!
Offering collector: (shoves the plate under his face) Give money! MONEY MONEY! MONEY-MONEY MONEY! MONEY-MONEY-MONEY MONEY!!! MONEY!!!!
(several other offering collectors come up to the man)
All offering collectors: Support church! Give MONEY!!!
(camera shifts back to the old minister)
Old minister: And, without further adue...
(man screams in background)
Old minister: I present you Nicholas D. Wolfwood!
Nick: (dashes on stage while carrying his cross on his back, then runs up to the front and grabs the microphone) Thank you! Thank you all! (waves to audience)
(everyone in the audience is silent)
Nick: Um...yeah sure. Well, thanks, pastor, for the wonderful introduction! (sets his cross down and gives the old minister a slap on the back that sends him flying off the podium and into the audience)
Old minister: (while falling) Yikes!
Nick: Its really an honor to be seeing you all tonight.
Lady in audience: (yells) Its morning, idiot!
Nick: Oh, so it is. Well...the speech I prepared for you has kinda gone through the wash... but... heheh... I can... um...sing for you if you'd like!
(audience gasps in fear, one lady in the audience faints, and a doctor runs over to her)
Doctor: (holds lady for a little while and checks her out) She's died of a heart attack! (points finger at Nick) You killed her! Murderer! (stands up) You should pay for this! I...I'll kill you if its the last thing I do!
Nick: (draws gun and points it at doctor)
(audience gasps)
Doctor: (pauses in awe for a bit) Of course, exceptions can be made...
Nick: Yes, anyways...(puts gun away) I'd like to talk to you all about resisting violence.
(everyone in the audience falls over backwards)
Nick: (gets mad and serious looking) Damnit, I'm serious here!
(everyone gets back in their seats)
Nick: (impatiently) NOW, ANYWAYS... (looks around and notices that audience is silent, then calms down, and smiles) I have lost my script, but I think I'm good off remembering it as I go. I'll start with my life experiences. Now, you see, I've got a past as quite more than a priest. It all started when I was born. And, yaka yaka blah blah blah yakkity shmakkity hoogy ha and so on and so on...
Old minister: (climbs on stage while Nick continues to talk, looking very beat up and out of breath, then walks over to Nick)
Nick: Blah blah blah, and thats my story. (looks at old minister) What happened to you? Did you fall off a cliff?
Old minister: You (gasps) happened (gasps) to me! (raises his fist)
Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa! (backs away) Lets not resort to violence! Haven't you been listening?
Old minister: (punches Nick in the face so hard that Nick flies all the way into the backstage area)
Nick: (while flying away) Ahhhh!
Old minister: (turns back to audience and smiles nicely) Well, thats all the time we have today. Thank you for joining the service. God bless. (turns back to where Nick landed and runs back at him) I'll kill you!!!
Nick: (from backstage) YIKES!
(curtains close and audience leaves)
Old minister: Fellow people, my friends. How is everyone doing today?
(audience applauds and one idiot yells 'GREAT, PASTOR!')
Old minister: That is very pleasing for me to hear. Now, I'll start us off by saying that God is truly with us today. Can you all feel the power within you?
(members of the audience look at each other and shrug)
Old minister: Yes, he is. He truly is. And with us today, he has led to us a man. But not just any man now! He has brought us a wonderful man, with many connections to and plenty of love for the Lord. He will, in a moment, share with us his life stories. But first, lets collect the offerings. Everyone, we will be passing around an offering plate. Please give generously!
(a bunch of executioner-looking guys walk into the aisles with offering plates, camera zooms into one of them)
Offering collector: (walks up to a man and shoves the plate in his face) MONEY! MONEY!!!
Man: Um, I'm truly sorry sir, but I didn't bring my wallet with me...
Offering collector: (takes the plate and hits the man upside the head with it as hard as he could)
Man: (leans over, has a big lump on his head) Ow!
Offering collector: (shoves the plate under his face) Give money! MONEY MONEY! MONEY-MONEY MONEY! MONEY-MONEY-MONEY MONEY!!! MONEY!!!!
(several other offering collectors come up to the man)
All offering collectors: Support church! Give MONEY!!!
(camera shifts back to the old minister)
Old minister: And, without further adue...
(man screams in background)
Old minister: I present you Nicholas D. Wolfwood!
Nick: (dashes on stage while carrying his cross on his back, then runs up to the front and grabs the microphone) Thank you! Thank you all! (waves to audience)
(everyone in the audience is silent)
Nick: Um...yeah sure. Well, thanks, pastor, for the wonderful introduction! (sets his cross down and gives the old minister a slap on the back that sends him flying off the podium and into the audience)
Old minister: (while falling) Yikes!
Nick: Its really an honor to be seeing you all tonight.
Lady in audience: (yells) Its morning, idiot!
Nick: Oh, so it is. Well...the speech I prepared for you has kinda gone through the wash... but... heheh... I can... um...sing for you if you'd like!
(audience gasps in fear, one lady in the audience faints, and a doctor runs over to her)
Doctor: (holds lady for a little while and checks her out) She's died of a heart attack! (points finger at Nick) You killed her! Murderer! (stands up) You should pay for this! I...I'll kill you if its the last thing I do!
Nick: (draws gun and points it at doctor)
(audience gasps)
Doctor: (pauses in awe for a bit) Of course, exceptions can be made...
Nick: Yes, anyways...(puts gun away) I'd like to talk to you all about resisting violence.
(everyone in the audience falls over backwards)
Nick: (gets mad and serious looking) Damnit, I'm serious here!
(everyone gets back in their seats)
Nick: (impatiently) NOW, ANYWAYS... (looks around and notices that audience is silent, then calms down, and smiles) I have lost my script, but I think I'm good off remembering it as I go. I'll start with my life experiences. Now, you see, I've got a past as quite more than a priest. It all started when I was born. And, yaka yaka blah blah blah yakkity shmakkity hoogy ha and so on and so on...
Old minister: (climbs on stage while Nick continues to talk, looking very beat up and out of breath, then walks over to Nick)
Nick: Blah blah blah, and thats my story. (looks at old minister) What happened to you? Did you fall off a cliff?
Old minister: You (gasps) happened (gasps) to me! (raises his fist)
Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa! (backs away) Lets not resort to violence! Haven't you been listening?
Old minister: (punches Nick in the face so hard that Nick flies all the way into the backstage area)
Nick: (while flying away) Ahhhh!
Old minister: (turns back to audience and smiles nicely) Well, thats all the time we have today. Thank you for joining the service. God bless. (turns back to where Nick landed and runs back at him) I'll kill you!!!
Nick: (from backstage) YIKES!
(curtains close and audience leaves)