Exdeath Tosses Bagels into the Void
It was a day like any other in the Shrine of Chaos: the Emperor was plotting, Kuja performed soliloquies for the others, Kefka made things blow up, and Ultimecia was plotting the systematic downfall of several political leaders. Almost everyone was there, having a grand old time; everyone except for Garland, who was busy getting everyone's breakfast. It was his turn, after all. Unfortunately for the others, he was late.
"Where is that ingrate?" said the Cloud of Darkness, "Our favorite place isn't far from here." She had a point; only the fanciest of cafés can be placed near the lair of world destroying villains.
"I just hope my coffee isn't cold," chimed in Sephiroth. He was currently the least prepared of the group, still dressed in his pajamas and fuzzy behemoth slippers. No one liked being kicked when he wore those slippers.
Suddenly, the armored man burst through one of the walls, panting vigorously. "Comrades!" started Garland, "I have grea…" He was cut short by the vile, soul-piercing, and generally unpleasant stares from the others. "Did I do something wrong?"
"YES!" bellowed Emperor Mateus. The very voice of the effeminate ruler sent a shiver down Garland's spine. "You better have one. Good. Reason. Why. You. Weren't. Here."
"Worry not, fiends!" said Garland, confidence slowly regenerating, "Our usual place is closed for the winter, but I have found a better restaurant!" He then produced several small, red cartons with a yellow "M" logo on the top.
"McDonald's?" asked Golbez, "Tell me, Garland, do you know who eats at McDonald's?"
The rebel knight scratched his helmet in confusion. "Er, no. Who?" Then the answer dawned on him. "Oh, Cosmos's warriors…" The disgust in his voice was as clear as the crystals their foes were currently looking for.
"Is that coffee black?" asked Sephiroth, who honestly didn't care where his food comes from.
"Nope," said Garland, checking the side of the small cup.
"Gimme that shit," blurted Sephiroth. Garland, noticing the behemoth slippers, quickly handed the steamy brew to the One-Winged, Drowsy Angel.
Seeing as how the balance of the war was broken in their favor just a few days earlier, Chaos's minions had very high morale. Surely, just one common meal wouldn't ruin it at all, right? Oh, but how wrong this assumption will be.
Once everyone had their meals, Kefka, Exdeath, and the Cloud of Darkness sat on the roof, eating their meals, and enjoying the voidset. Main-Body of the Cloud was eating a salad (all the better to keep her form sleek), while her two tentacles, Hearsie and Seesie, were each enjoying a Happy Meal. Kefka was eating… some sort of ice cream covered in ketchup, and Exdeath was about to eat the one source of his joy outside of the Void: bagels. Oh, how Exdeath loved bagels; were the world made out of one single, giant bagel, he'd easily be on the side of Cosmos, fighting for justice, love, and bagels. He savored the sweet, tender moments before cramming the delicacy in his visor, just to make the taste sweeter.
"Oh wow," said Kefka, "Look at that loon." Main-Body shot him a glare that screamed "hypocrite" at him. Kefka, ignoring her glance, continued with his observations. "It's like one of those instant replays you see on television!"
But none of that mattered to Exdeath; in fact, he almost laughed alongside the magical psychopath. All that mattered now was the sweet, warm bagel…
"Wait," said the tree mage, "This isn't right…" The bagel was… soggy. "WhaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAT!?" he cried in his uncontrollable rage.
"Sweeties, don't look!" cried Main-Body, calling in her two loyal tentacles. Kefka tried hard not to laugh, so as not to anger the great mage. But it was so hard. So. Hard…
"You deserve no mercy!" yelled Exdeath to the bagel. With one final scream of hatred, he threw the soggy treat into the Void.
Kefka couldn't keep it in any longer. "Waahohohohoho!" Exdeath turned his gaze toward the clown, and in that moment, Kefka knew he was in deep shit. Luckily, the demon-tree's violence was directed toward the sugary monstrosity that the court mage was snacking upon just moments ago. It was tossed into the Void. The salad and two Happy Meals followed shortly.
And so Exdeath continued this brand of violence, until every last villain was depraved of their breakfast. Nothing was able to stop him. Once the last crumb had been devoured by the Void, he stormed off toward his castle.
"Well, Garland," started the Emperor, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"At least everyone else enjoyed breakfast." The man had a point. A good one at that. A short mumble of agreement came from everyone's throats, and they all returned to their endeavors. But this incident wasn't without its drawbacks, as they would soon find out…
Author's Notes: Hey, I hope you enjoyed this first chapter. Please give your reviews, all comments are welcome!