AN: Please don't take this seriously. I personally LOVE all the AUs everyone comes up with (but I still hate Harry Potter and the Cursed Child)! Carry on with the creative fanfiction you all make!
AN 2: Luna = underlined, Ginny = italics, and Neville = bold.
Dear Fanfiction writers and readers,
I am sure that the fact that you enjoy twisting all of our stories into what you see fit is only because Nargles are clouding your minds. That is forgivable. Perhaps we, as the fans seem to refer as the Silver Trio, can help you out by pointing out what is real and what is not.
Oh, Luna! We're not going to be playing nice with those gits! They completely slandered me! Listen here, everyone! You know me. I'm Ginevra (please note the spelling because I HATE seeing "Ginerva") Molly "Ginny" Weasley and just because I dated three guys in the series does NOT mean that I am a gold-digging slut who's after the Chosen One's fame and money! I'm sure you all dated more than three people in your life, especially if you had the NERVE to commit adultery. I at least remained faithful to all of them! What can you say about that? And for the record, I AM NOT DOSING HARRY WITH LOVE POTIONS AND MY FAMILY ISN'T A BUNCH OF BLIND FOLLOWERS WHO HELPED DUMBLEDORE MANIPULATE HIM!
I'm sure if she could, she would hex all of you.
Yes, I would! With the Bat-Bogey Hex! You all better watch your backs! I MEAN IT!
Hm. It's a shame that we couldn't do this peacefully. Don't worry, everyone. I'm not mad. Just a little disappointed. Several of you appear to forget that my husband is Rolf Scamander, grandson of Newt Scamander. Instead, you place me with Harry, Ron, Draco Malfoy, or –
Or me! Seriously, people, we dated for only a few months or so in 1998! Obviously, we didn't work out as we married different people! It's really uncomfortable for you writers to write love stories about us because 1) we're both married and 2) we're exes. Obviously, we're still friends, but we DEFINITELY don't need that!
I remember seeing a few pieces about me and Luna as well. People! I'm not gay and neither is Luna! Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, of course, but you can't change someone's sexuality! You all would have issues if someone gay was changed to be straight, but NO ONE seems to care if it's the other way around!
Yeah, I'm rather uncomfortable when people make me "gay for" Harry. Apparently, people like saying that phrase. But Ginny, I don't think that's the worst you've seen.
Oh, you're definitely right. *clears throat* STOP PAIRING ME UP WITH THAT AWFUL FERRET! I HATED HIM SO MUCH, AND I AM SICKENED BY HOW MUCH PEOPLE ROMANTICIZE IT! THE ONLY THING THAT'S WORSE THAN THAT IS PAIRING HIM UP WITH POOR HERMIONE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?!
Thank Merlin I escaped that. I think.
Good for you, you lucky bastard! Luna, can I PLEASE hex them?
That would not be wise, Ginny. And how would you know if they were a fanfiction writer or not?
At this point, I wouldn't care. Screw all of them!
While Ginny calms down, I'll start my lecture. My name is Neville I-Will-Not-Reveal-My-Middle-Name-to-You Longbottom. My parents are Frank and Alice Longbottom, and I used to live with my grandmother Augusta Longbottom. My wife's name (please note it!) is Hannah Abbott, Hufflepuff alumna and former DA member. Just please stop pairing me with Luna (or even me!). As we stated before, it's very awkward and uncomfortable for us. Are you TRYING to ruin our friendship? And what's with making me the Boy Who Lived? That title belongs to Harry and Harry alone, despite how much he hates it. Oh Merlin. I can just see what my family would've done if I was. Not pleasant at all.
The question is whether they would've spoiled Neville rotten or increased their ridiculous expectations tenfold.
Possibly a combination of both. Anyways, I really don't like those "BWL!Neville" fics. Just no. I'm the wrong person for this. Just please give that title back to Harry who actually knew what he was doing (he says otherwise) (not my problem). I was perfectly happy living in the shadows for most of my Hogwarts career. Rising as a hero in my seventh year was just a necessity to save us all.
Neville were a really good leader, though.
Thanks, Luna. I had you and Ginny as co-leaders to help me.
Of course. Friends do that.
That's because we're real friends who DON'T stab people in the back for money or fame or – you guys get it! Attention, readers, the Weasleys are not –
You said that already, Ginny.
I know, but it's the worst thing ever! Even worse than that dreadful Dramione. You know, Malfoy and Hermione. Ron's been moaning about it for weeks!
Well, I don't think I have that many complaints other than the Boy-Who-Lived thing and the romance with Luna. Oh, wait! You people keep giving me children! I have NO children. NONE.
Whenever you pair me and Neville up, you sometimes just give him Lorcan and Lysander. That actually reminds me of how you keep ageing them up. My sons are younger than you think. All I can tell you is that they're younger than Albus and Rose and possibly Lily and Hugo. Or not. I refuse to confirm.
All of that Next Generation stuff is bull. Albus hasn't even started Hogwarts yet, and there are all these things about his fifth year and other things! Those Slytherin fics are starting to scare him, and James is just making it worse! I am outraged! OUTRAGED!
What about that Cursed Child play?
We don't know what will happen in the future! I think Harry started a search, though, for whatsherface – Delphi. Just in case, of course. We can't have Voldemort's spawn running around.
I was very disappointed in that play. Neville and I didn't appear.
I don't even remember Luna being mentioned! I remember being killed by Cedric Diggory in one of those alternate universes created by Albus and Malfoy's son. Cedric Diggory a Death Eater? Did those writers even do their proper research?
As much as I hate to admit it, some of these stories you writers have written were definitely better than Harry Potter and the Cursed Child – even with the inaccuracies. But still, and don't be offended but YOU PEOPLE ALL SUCK!
I second that.
A little harsh, but it's possibly accurate.
It is! And if we have anymore complaints we WILL add them to this letter! SCREW ALL OF YOU!
Good day, everyone.
Signed,
Neville Longbottom
Ginny Weasley
Luna Lovegood
The So-Called Silver Trio
AN 3: Reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance to those of you who do!