a/n: hello all! i recently binge-watched all six seasons of glee over again after two years of not watching it and i was slightly disappointed with how it ended/the direction that it went and i also really missed the finchel dynamic so this was born! it's very au and is definitely a work in progress but if you read it, thank you! i haven't written fic in a long, long time so constructive criticism is very much encouraged so please, please let me know what you think of it! it is safe to say that this story is dedicated to cory monteith whom i miss dearly and think about a lot. enjoy!
la douleur exquise [la doo-lyeur ex-keez]"
—(idiom) A French, untranslatable phrase, describing the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have. To say this phrase is synonym to unrequited love, limits its beauty. Unrequited love describes a relationship state, but not a state of mind. Unrequited love encompasses the lover who isn't corresponding, as well as the lover who desires. Ladouleur excise evokes the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated.
June, 17th
Rachel Berry couldn't say that she hated anything about New York City, how could she? She loved practically every little miniscule detail about the place. Ranging from how beautiful Rockefeller center was at Christmas time to the overcrowded subway – not a lot of things could get her down about the city she resided in, the city she called home. Except of course, she did dislike certain things. For instance, she really, really did not enjoy the heat of a midsummer day in June. She couldn't for the life of her try to find one positive thing about the sweat dripping down her back or the way her leotard was sticking to her body in the most uncomfortable way imaginable.
It also didn't help that she was now homeless and had spent the last few weeks sleeping on her best friend Kurt Hummel's couch. Don't get her wrong, Kurt was a wonderful host. He kept her entertained; sang ballads with her upon request, sipped wine with her at late night hours, watched re-runs of Seinfeld, and even tucked her in at night when she had gotten a little too generous with the red wine bottle (an occurrence that had become more and more frequent since she found herself on his couch to begin with.) He kept her busy, kept her mind off things. He was being a good friend, letting her sleep on his couch, put up with her fragile state of mind, he was even prepared for any outburst of tears that she was bound to shed, always there offering a box of tissues. But there were times like this one, where she was coming back from a long day at the dance studio, a layer of sweat covering her entire body due to the humidity of the city and walked into the apartment, a symphony of moans and lustful sighs wafting in the air.
She didn't want to complain, nor could she. Kurt and Blaine were so understanding, practically spoon feeding her in order to help her get back on her feet again. It wasn't their fault that their unadulterated love for each other made bile rise up in her throat. It wasn't their fault that she was bitter about any kind of relationship that didn't involve her. She had to get it through her head that just because her love life was in complete shambles, completely and utterly over, didn't mean she could drag everyone else down with her.
It was just slightly horrifying how often she had to hear Kurt and Blaine go at it. They were like bunnies, and maybe it didn't help that they lived together, that they were so domestic. But honestly, how much sex could two people have? Just the other day she had walked into the apartment to find the two of them intensely dry humping on the couch; she made the executive decision to sleep on the floor that night, the memory too vivid in her mind.
She didn't really have the jurisdiction to be upset about it, so instead of being bitter about all the sex she wasn't having, she dropped off all of her bags, including the huge painting that Kurt asked her to bring back from the gallery across the street from the studio. He had insisted that it was going to lighten up the living room. "It shows the subjectivity of art so well, Rachel. It's got the subtle hint of sexual identity peeking through with other hints of longing."
Rachel thought it looked like someone had been dumped in paint and then rolled around on white canvas. One thing she did know about it was that it was heavy.
After she had placed the painting in the corner, she quietly washed up as much and as fast as she could, trying not to disturb the events taking place in the other room. She slipped off her ballet clothes, settling for gym shorts and a bright pink tank top that was light enough so that it wouldn't stick to her skin, even in the summer heat. After grabbing a water bottle and her iPod, she darted out of the apartment as fast as she could, making no sound at all.
Rachel had gone on so many walks over the past few weeks that once she hit the fifteen mark, she stopped counting. It was therapeutic, coupled with background music that consisted of her and Kurt's favorite musical soundtracks, she felt somewhat less troubled when she went for these walks to clear her head. It was also nice to get away from the consistent sickeningly sweet love that was all around her.
Kurt and Blaine weren't Rachel's first initial choice when it came to slumming it. She had considered Santana, Brittany and Mercedes' offer of letting her stay with the three of them in their shared apartment just between Madison and Park. She realized quickly though after a few nights that their lifestyle wasn't something Rachel could handle. Santana and Brit were a pair for the ages, so in love and yet, they were more subtle about it (or maybe just quieter?) Yet, the three roommates seemed to never sleep. They had guests over practically every night of the week and Rachel had found it harder and harder to get up every morning with a hangover and make her way to her 9 am class. So when Kurt explained how terrible her under-eye bags were and that he was worried for her wellbeing, his offer seemed like her best bet.
It was unfortunate though, somewhat pathetic even, Rachel knew that. She was 22 years old, on her way to begin her senior year of college and her life was crumbling around her when it should have been coming together. Everyone kept telling her not to worry about it, that she'd be able to recover from this, she just needed time. But it had been weeks and every day felt like it had been more difficult than the last. She hated this feeling, the feeling of inferiority. Everyone had been treating her like a child, continuing to act like they were walking on egg shells around her, that she was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any minute. Maybe she was, but that didn't make it any better. She just wanted everyone to start acting normal again, even if she still was extremely torn up about it. Although at this point, she wasn't too positive that she was ever going to fully recover.
She avoided thinking about it on the typical day, but usually on her walks. it gave her a chance to really understand what had happened—that it all wasn't just some twisted dream. It had begun after her opening night of Little Shop of Horrors. NYADA put on a musical at the end of every semester and she had scored the main lead of Audrey, just like she had gotten the female lead the two semesters before. She was elated, the show went off with no trouble at all and everything was a complete success, including the full house and the tears she had caused throughout the audience. Carmen Tibideaux had been sitting front and center, applauding manically over the performance. It should have been the best night of her life, really but one person had been missing, the one person who had told her he would be there, that he wouldn't miss it for the world. But when she had come out of the dressing rooms, nodding politely at all the "congratulations" thrown her way, she never caught one glimpse of her fiancé.
She knew that his absence at her show was a sign, after all – Arnstein slowly stopped going to Fanny's productions in Funny Girl, and that was the beginning to the slow decline of their marriage. Although debatable sometimes, Rachel's life definitely was not a Broadway musical, as much as she would have enjoyed that. So while the progressive loss of interest Jesse took in Rachel's career was concerning, she never thought it would go as far as it ended up. Their relationship hadn't been going well the past few weeks after her NYADA production, he had grown distant. He was no longer telling her every little detail about his day or instinctively entwining their fingers together with his free hand as he drove her to rehearsal through the busy streets of New York. They were all little things, ones that were supposed to mean nothing, but his absence at her opening night had been the first really big one. They started arguing more too, about petty things like why she left a drop of the almond milk in the carton and never took it out of the fridge or why he was always coming back late at night, the smell of perfume and alcohol lingering on him as he slid into bed beside her (okay, so that was a little more than a petty problem.)
She knew that they were both pulling away from each other, but she had never expected that they weren't going to be able to fix it, to put whatever it was bothering him behind them and thrive like they always had—since her senior year of high school. It was even something they talked about constantly. Just because they were young didn't mean they were going to rush things, they didn't want to ruin what they had. They would wait and he would never stop loving her and eventually, when the time came, they would get married—all would be as it should.
It didn't turn out that way though, much to Rachel's dismay. One night, in an attempt to reconcile the relationship and fix things—something that Rachel genuinely thought they could do—she ad come home a little tipsy (she needed to loosen herself up a bit, that was all. Liquid courage.) She had recently bought a new set of lingerie, something that Santana agreed looked "absolutely smokin' on her," and had stripped down so that she was clad in only lace with a champagne bottle in her hand. Rachel thought fun and spontaneous was what they needed, to rekindle a lost fire.
What she didn't expect was to find Jesse in bed with a beautiful blonde girl underneath him. Her own fiancé, a man whom she had trusted and had spent four, long years with—throwing it all away to screw a girl with no name. She remembers the look of horror on his face clear as day, one that probably matched her own as she felt the champagne bottle drop onto the hard wooden floor and shatter beneath her feet.
"Fuck – Rachel. You said you weren't going to be back until Saturday." His tousled brunette curls made Rachel want to cry as he got off of the girl and started putting clothes on, the blonde scurrying out of the apartment to avoid the inevitable. She wanted to tell him that today was Saturday; it was May 9th, to be exact. She had marked it on her calendar because she had been planning this night for a while now, wanting it to be special. She didn't say anything though, just looked at him as tears rolled unwarranted from her eyes.
"Rach—"
"Don't touch me." She sobbed, pushing the hand that had been outreached towards her away from her body. "I can't even look at you."
"Rachel, please… I can explain."
But she didn't give him the chance to. Instead, she vomited—right on his bare feet before she turned and ran out of the apartment as fast as she could.
She had cried for what felt like years and she tried everything—yoga, extreme fitness regimes, one-night stands, Streisand marathons, and the one token tactic, drinking away her sorrows. She spent a good three days on a booze binge, just to get over Jesse. Just to get over a stupid boy who had told her that he was never going to love anyone as much as he loved her.
Of course, Jesse had tried to call, tried relentlessly to make it right but there was no turning back. Rachel was left with nothing, no fiancé, no apartment; just a hollowed out hole where her heart should have been.
The walks were helping though, slowly but surely.
Maybe it was the heat of New York that was making her a little delusional, but she felt motivated all of a sudden. She hated that she had gone through this in her favorite city. Now whenever she thought about New York she was going to think about that awful time the man she was supposed to marry and love forever broke her heart by screwing some other girl in their shared bed in their shared apartment. Rachel was a strong girl, but she didn't know how she was going to recover from this, maybe she never really would. But right at this moment in time, as she walked through Times Square, disregarding every tourist who passed her by, she felt like she needed to do something to make her feel whole again; to feel like Rachel Berry again.
She got out of Times Square, maneuvering her way around crowds of people while blatantly ignoring requests from tourists to take their picture. It wasn't until she had walked long enough for her feet to ache where she found a quiet bookstore hidden away from the more common parts of the city. She had a mission and when Rachel Berry set a goal for herself, she didn't pay much else attention. In fact, she was so enveloped in her own thoughts that she completely disregarded anything that was happening around her. She fished out her phone from her front pocket, sent a quick text to the group message with her, Kurt, Blaine and Santana, stating that she was "feeling motivated" with an emoticon attached to let them know just how bright things were looking. Afterwards, she searched around in her over-the-shoulder bag she had on her, glad that she carried a pad and pen with her just in case of emergencies. Then, she got to it.
The first thing on 'Rachel Berry's Guide to Finding Herself' list was to look for a new apartment and with a new apartment also came a new roommate. She put stars next to those two things, since they were her main priority. She quickly sent a text to Jillian, the woman whom she nannies for and told her she was ready to come back any day now. That got rid of the funding issue, and Rachel happily crossed that off of her list. The next few things mainly consisted of ideas to get her back in the right mindset. She needed to go grocery shopping; protein shakes and juice cleanses were going to rejuvenate her and help her recover from all of the alcohol lingering in her system. She also needed to make a dream board, like she did back in high school. Nothing was going to get accomplished if she continued to let herself mope around like she had been doing the last few weeks (she writes 'no moping' in bold letters at the end of her somewhat short list.)
Satisfied for now, she finally looks up from her notepad. The bookstore is rather vintage, she thinks. It's got mahogany tables and puke green plush couches scattered around the place with aisles of books. Rachel decides she's been productive enough for the day—the list was a start, she was taking baby steps. She gets up from her seat, packing up all of her things back into her bag and when she realizes she's ready to go, she hesitates to go look for a book that might engage her mind. She finds herself in the Modern British section, her index finger running along the spine of the novels mindlessly until she's forced to stop and move due to the presence of another person. She's about to turn the corner to venture into the science fiction section when she hears her name being called out.
"Rachel—Rachel Berry?"
The tone of voice is low, obviously male and sounds very familiar. She can't quite pinpoint exactly who it is until she turns around and is simply staring at a broad chest. She lifts her head and her eyes meet with someone who she would least expect to see in the city, especially at a random, discreet bookstore.
"Finn Hudson?" Rachel must resemble a deer in headlights because she can physically feel her eyes practically protruding out of her skull. She's forced to look away and do a double take to make sure that the 6'3 male in front of her wasn't a figment of her imagination. "What—what are you doing here?"
Finn looks around and shrugs, reaching a hand behind his neck to rub the spot in an awkward motion, looking down at his feet first before looking back at Rachel. "Well, uh—I was just here to get a few books for my—"
Rachel cuts him off. "No, I mean. What are you doing here? In New York. Last time I checked, weren't you in Ohio?"
Finn clears his throat awkwardly, a boyish grin falling across his features as his gaze falls to his feet again. "Right, yeah. I graduated from Ohio State a few years ago and uh—I got offered a position to transfer to the city and y'know, how could I resist, being so close to Kurt and all." He finishes off his explanation with a shrug before looking up expectantly at Rachel. "I'm surprised he didn't tell you. I've been planning the move for a few months now."
Rachel has never been more confused or practically bamboozled in her whole life and she's dealt with some pretty surprising things—morbidly enough, walking in on her fiancé with another girl being one of them. But this really caught her off guard; it was completely out of left field. Of course, Kurt hadn't mentioned anything to her, probably because he assumed (wrongly) that she wouldn't care, maybe because he thought she had too much on her plate, which was a more reasonable excuse. It was a little troubling though and very confusing, even somewhat hurtful. Kurt told her everything, especially important things like how his own step brother was moving to the city that they currently resided in. She knew that there was a distinct look of hurt displayed through her features, but she quickly focused on putting her best poker face on in order to lie to Finn so that he wouldn't think that her best friend in the whole world kept this extremely huge news from her.
"Actually—he did! Tell me, I mean. I think it just slipped my mind is all." She explained, trying not to make it obvious that Kurt actually failed to mention it.
The thing about Finn Hudson was that Rachel didn't know him very well and that fact was evident in this conversation. He was two years her senior, which meant that by the time she was a junior at McKinley High, he had already graduated. The only confrontation they had were the times during her sophomore year where he would slushy her in the halls. Later, when Kurt and Rachel had developed a solid friendship that went outside of glee club and Finn was attending Ohio State, she'd sometimes run into him at Kurt's annual Christmas party but they had never really had more than a five minute conversation before. Even when Finn came up and visited Kurt for a few days, Rachel was either too busy to actually spend time getting to know Finn or the setting was all wrong (there were usually always parties whenever anyone from Lima came to visit, she distinctly remembers one year Tina coming up and getting her butt tattooed, a night that Rachel did not remember. Those were the kind of circumstances that caused Rachel to fail at even trying to get along with Kurt's stepbrother.) Those few minor details left this confrontation to be a little more than uncomfortable and one that Rachel wanted to get out of right away.
There's a long pause afterwards and she looks down at her feet and then at the exit, thinking about some possible excuse as to why she has to leave all of a sudden when just a minute ago she had been carelessly roaming the aisles for any kind of novel that peaked her interest. Instead, she interjected with some more small talk because that was the only reasonable thing to do in order to break the uncomfortable silence. And if anything, Rachel refused to be rude to her best friend's brother.
"So uh – when did you move to town?" She asks, leaning against the bookcase slightly.
"Just yesterday, actually. I've been moving my stuff into my apartment all day so I decided to take a break and hang up some fliers around the area. The rent's too high for one person so I've gotta find a roommate." He pauses, looking down at his feet which Rachel takes note of since it seems like a sort of defense mechanism or something—judging by the way he's done it so many times in just this one conversation. "You know a lot of people in New York, right? Got anyone in mind?"
His question strikes Rachel as odd. It couldn't be sheer coincidence that right when Rachel decides she needs to go out and look for a new place to live, Finn Hudson just magically turns up and tells her that he's in the same predicament. No—nothing in life was that simple, and she had this distinct feeling that maybe Kurt had told Finn to do this, that this was all some kind of ploy to help her get back up on her feet again.
The thought made her extremely weary and suddenly, she felt the need to get out of there—to go somewhere, anywhere else. With a raise of her eyebrows, she simply blew off his question with a wave of her hand. "There are tons of people in New York, Finn. It's a wonderful city and I'm sure you'll find someone. But I've actually got to run, I uh—am late. Yeah, I'm late for my… my dentist appointment. I'll see you soon, I'm sure."
Her words come out in a rush and she's barely even coherent before she brushes by him while practically sprinting out of the bookstore, the chime of the door ringing in her ear before she's faced with the onslaught of the cities sounds of conversation and traffic. There was no dentist appointment, of course but it was the only thing she could think of on the spot like that and Rachel has a quick thought that she really needs to work on her improv skills. She only feels slightly relieved once she's about two blocks away from the store and she lets out a quick sigh, trudging through her bag in order to find her phone and check the time. Her iPhone reads 5:43, which just so happened to be the busiest time of day, much to her chagrin. She had given Kurt and Blaine a solid hour and a half – if they weren't done with their activities by now then Rachel was going to have to have a serious conversation with the both of them. As she made her way back to the pair's apartment, she couldn't help the feeling of uneasiness coursing through her entire being. The idea that Finn could possibly know everything about her recent mishaps in life made her want to drop off the face of the earth. She hardly knew the guy and yeah—there was some sort of consolation due to the fact that he was her best friend's stepbrother but the reality of the fact was that she was embarrassed. Finn was always going to be connected to McKinley and Lima in her mind. He was always going to be this person who intimidated her and not many people intimidated Rachel Berry. McKinley High Rachel Berry had her whole life planned out; a husband, a Tony, a family—everything that she could ever want and there was Finn Hudson; a reminder that she hadn't accomplished any of that and had actually started taking steps backwards, her goals seeming more and more impossible every day.
Maybe she was being dramatic, but she didn't want anyone to pity her. It was nice that Finn was living in New York, it was probably a great opportunity for him but she didn't want any charity. He could very well find a complete stranger to live with and Rachel could find her own apartment on her own. She was capable of doing that, she just needed some time to make it happen. She didn't want anyone to do her any favors and if she had to drill that into Kurt's head for him to understand then she would.
She walked into the apartment rather loudly in order to make her presence known. It was unnecessary though, Kurt was alone, standing at the island with a glass of wine already poured for the two of them (which was rather surprising because Kurt had recently created a new rule that there was to be no drinking before 7 pm) Rachel simply glares at him, tentatively walking over and gently bringing the wine glass up to her lips.
"I heard you bumped into Finn. Told me you rushed out to go to your dentist appointment—odd though since we usually always schedule those on the same day so that we can go together." He says, tapping his fingers against the marble table. She doesn't respond, instead gulping down another sip of the bitter wine in her glass. "Look—I was going to tell you that he was coming, it just wasn't exactly on my radar, considering everything that's been happening."
She tilts her head and raises her eyebrows, a light scoff leaving her lips before she replies. "We tell each other everything, Kurt. How does this little thing just simply slip from your mind?" Her voice is surprisingly calm considering how upset she is over this. Typically, Rachel would be hollering, in awe that her best friend since her sophomore year of high school, purposely withheld important information from her. She would usually be appalled, angry and dramatic, but right now, she was simply just sad and confused. "It's one thing to keep this from me. I get it, I don't know Finn that well and it doesn't directly affect me in anyway but you can't just forget about all those times that we stayed up together sophomore year crying about how he was the new addition to your family."
"Of course I remember that!" He retaliates, pushing an exasperated hand up into his chestnut tendrils. "Sophomore year sucked, Rach. You were the only person who helped me sort out all of those confusing feelings that I had for the guy. You helped me adjust to the move when my dad married Carole and you never once complained when all I did was talk about how annoying Finn was. I remember all of that. The fact that he's here, well… it just didn't affect you—it wasn't even affecting me, really. He's already got an apartment, he's got everything all set for himself. I was just supposed to pick him up from the airport, help him find someone to live with and throw him a party—that's all."
Rachel's not exactly sure what she's supposed to say but she feels like she doesn't have a valid reason to be angry with him, not now. So instead, she settles for the truth.
"I'm just—I'm just embarrassed, Kurt." It's a relief to get the words out and by the look on Kurt's face; he understands that the root of the problem wasn't that Kurt had withheld the information from her. It was the apartment situation; it was Finn coming in trying to save the day. "He just comes out of nowhere and tries to fix all of my problems; problems that Finn really shouldn't even know in the first place."
"I didn't tell him why you were living with us, Rachel." Kurt quickly adds, having the distinct urge to get that through her head. He knows how worked up Rachel can get about these things. She loves being independent, it's part of her personality and he's known that about her since she was fifteen years old. He just can't find it in himself to keep letting her go on this way, she's better than this. Rachel knows it, he knows it and when Finn had explained to Kurt he was going to be moving to the city—it was the perfect opportunity, a way for Kurt to somehow help Rachel. He had only the best intentions.
Sighing, Kurt tries to put this into words but somehow fails, instead focusing on the fact that Finn doesn't know the information that Rachel would lose her mind if he had. "I don't think he knows about Jesse, first of all—that he even exists—so he just assumed you were looking for a new place. All I said was that it was complicated and he dropped it, he's not the type to gossip." Rachel's expression changes just a tad, from one of utter exasperation to a somewhat, duller look of embarrassment. Her cheeks are even tinted a light rose. Kurt's not finished yet though, feeling that he needs to explain the situation to his friend in more depth. He places his glass of wine on the granite tabletop and walks around it so that he can reach out to her, turning her around in order to face him while placing his hands on her shoulders. "It seemed like the perfect opportunity. Finn had a solid job in Columbus as a drama teacher for a while and he had been commuting from Lima, going back and forth. He got a job offer to teach Dramatic Arts at that upper-east side private school, Loyola. The one between 83rd and 84th. He's even gonna coach the show choir there." A light smile appeared on Kurt's features, like he was proud that his brother had found what he loved to do and was successfully doing it. Rachel suddenly feels so foolish that she had ever been upset to begin with. How could she not see that this was good for the two brothers? A way to bring them together, even.
"I'm just excited." Kurt continues. "I love the kid, he's been a solid brother the past few years and I was excited to have him a little closer. When he asked what I thought, I told him the truth—that it was a good idea and that if he needed a roommate to split rent with, I had someone in mind. I never expected the big lug to go and run into you randomly and spring all of that information on you. I was going to ease you into it. Finn needs you just as much as you need him."
Rachel's entire demeanor changes as the realization of Kurt's words sink in. She can't be angry at all about this, and she realizes that now. In retrospect, it really wasn't all that bad. Finn had to find someone to live with anyways; he had no reason to feel bad for her, not if he was actually unaware of the Jesse situation. Yet, Rachel found herself still hesitating, regardless of what seemed like an ideal situation. Maybe it had to do with her incessant need to always do things on her own without anyone's help or maybe it simply came down to self-sabotage and she could never let anything in her life come easily to her. Instead of voicing these thoughts though, she simply looks up at Kurt with a soft yet sad smile on her lips. "I just don't want anyone doing me any favors, Kurt. You as much as anyone should know that I don't take kindly to pity. I thought, I hoped that I could figure it out on my own."
"Yeah but Rachel, he doesn't have any reason to feel bad for you. He just needs a roommate; it's as simple as that. He doesn't know that Jesse is the scum of the earth, nor does he need to. He simply just needs someone to split rent with, it's almost like you're doing him a favor."
Kurt doesn't know that Rachel has already come to this conclusion in her thoughts, even if she still manages to be hesitant. She's starting to understand the situation and Kurt can tell that she's warming up to the idea. "He didn't even really ask me, you know." Rachel interjects after a slight pause in conversation. "He just asked if I had anyone in mind. He was subtle, I guess. I kinda just ran away."
Kurt laughs and decides that now is a good time to go in for a hug and frankly, Rachel needs it. She had been overthinking it all and Kurt eases her nerves, clears her head, even if for only a little while. "He told me, called me up right after and told me that you looked like a deer in headlights." He pauses as they both take a moment to laugh and relax into each other; Kurt rubbing her back in a soothing motion before pulling away to look her in the eyes. "No one is asking you to make the decision right away. You still have our couch and you're welcome to it whenever you need it. It's just an idea, Rachel and you don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with."
Rachel takes a second to think about her options. It's really not a big deal and this opportunity seems like a blessing in itself, she'd be foolish not to take it up. But she also needs to know details: how much rent costs, what the apartment looks like, minor things. When she voices those concerns to Kurt, like always, he has a solution.
"Blaine and I are throwing the kid a little get together tonight. It'll give you guys a chance to talk and sort things out. I also bought Blaine the cutest bowtie ever, so don't forget to shower him with compliments."
Rachel lightly scoffs, pulling away from him and gently nudging his arm in a playful manner. "I think Blaine's ego will shatter if he doesn't get at least one compliment from me tonight and we can't have that happen, can we?"
"I told you," Kurt explains. "Tonight it's small—a welcome to the city kind of thing. Then once Finn's got all of his stuff in the apartment and you've moved in, we'll have an actual party. With streamers and everything."
Kurt doesn't register the hesitation on Rachel's face, but he's too hopeful and Rachel doesn't want to ruin that, not tonight at least. It's only been a few hours since she had initially found out about Kurt's plans for her, so she was still trying to figure out how she felt about the whole thing. Plus, she had yet to see Finn and talk to him about it yet. Hopefully, once she got the chance to do that then things would start feeling clearer for her.
After the long conversation she and Kurt had, they left the apartment to go to the nearest liquor store which meant Rachel had the distinct pleasure of carrying the boxes of beer up to their apartment. She had dropped a box on the way up so when she watches Blaine open a can and having it explode on him—she stifles a laugh before turning away and focusing her attention on Kurt once more.
"I'm glad it's small, I don't think I'm prepared to be overly social just yet." Rachel tells him.
Right on cue though, Finn walks in—two or three people that Rachel doesn't seem to recognize in tow behind him. She suddenly feels awkward; just a few hours ago she had been running away from him—afraid that he had secret intel on her deepest and darkest secrets that currently shamed her and now they were going to be forced to be in the same room together for hours.
For some reason though, Rachel had expected Finn to be greeted like a normal guest—like someone who was simply just moving in, who didn't know much of the city or the people, someone who was still trying to get accustomed to the craziness of New York. Yet the moment he walked in, the energy of the party increased by tenfold and suddenly Rachel felt stupid for not realizing that these are Finn's friends too. It's actually quite odd; how dismissive Rachel has been about Finn all these years. It's almost as if she's forgotten that Finn also attended McKinley, he had been high on the social latter meaning he was good friends with Santana and Brittany and so she watches as the four of them reconcile—Santana offering him a beer and a friendly hug the first chance she gets. Rachel knows it's been years since she graduated from McKinley—four years for her, six for Finn but she can't help the uncomfortable feeling sitting in the bottom of her belly that this moment was like high school all over again; the cheerleaders and jocks having an amazing time while she sat in the corner and simply watched. All that was missing was a blue raspberry slushy to the face and she may as well be in the halls of McKinley right at this moment.
She makes a very odd and brash decision—one that is very uncharacteristic of her, yet she does it regardless. Tentatively, she strolls over to the small group of her friends and Finn, her wine glass clutched in her fingers so tightly that if she held onto it any harder she's sure the glass would shatter. "Berry! How was the dentist?" He asks, looking down at her with a dumb smile on his face.
She ignores his comment raising her glass and pronouncing a toast. "To Finn." She exclaims with faux excitement. Finn cranes his neck in order to look down at her much smaller and shorter frame, giving her an appreciative nod. "Welcome to New York."
It's simple and yet everyone cheers loudly, giving Rachel her chance to slip away from the over excited and tipsy group in order to make her way to the kitchen. She's content with her small gesture; it had gotten her small group of friends all riled up and gave her the opportunity to slip away. She's not used to feeling so out of place which makes it all the more reasonable for her to sit on the granite counter top of Kurt and Blaine's kitchen simply scrolling through her phone and sipping at her glass.
It might be only minutes or maybe even hours that go by until someone comes and tries to talk to her, Rachel hasn't been paying much attention—focusing instead on the cat videos she had pulled up on her phone. She glances up, catching a sight of tousled brown hair and brown eyes before looking back down at her phone again. She's not even being remotely subtle at this point about her need to dismiss Finn in every possible way she can. She knew that her attitude had changed drastically between the time she had the conversation with Kurt to now, she knows it's because his presence makes her uneasy, that she's intimidated by it, that this whole night is about him when for the last few weeks everything had been focused on getting Rachel off her feet, helping Rachel be herself again. It was selfish to want attention all the time and then spite the person who took it away from her, childish even, something that Rachel would have done in high school. This just added to the realization that Finn's presence was not helping her get out of that high school mentality.
She can hear him speak to her, hears the soft vibrato of his voice as she attempts to block him out and focus on her cellphone in hand. But she realizes that she's being rude to someone who doesn't necessarily deserve it and so she puts the phone down and looks up, finally.
It's the first time she's ever been eye-level with the guy, usually she's always face to face with his annoyingly broad chest or she's craning her neck to look up at him or he's doing this weird hunch thing with his body in order to have a very short conversation with her. The height of the countertop though makes her even with him and now she's still not paying attention to what he's saying—if he's saying anything at all, she's just slightly distracted by the very deep brown of his eyes, which she shuns herself for later because as someone with big, brown eyes, they're not even supposed to be enrapturing in the slightest.
She manages to let out some garbled nonsense about what she had been watching on her phone and he smiles which in most cases would mean that at least he's humoring her.
"You've been pretty anti-social tonight, I gotta say." Finn tells her. She doesn't have much of a response so she shrugs instead. "I'm so used to the bubbly, bright-eyed girl who always sings like, ten different songs at our Christmas parties. My mom always raves about you for like hours on end afterwards, saying how you need a Christmas album out." There's a pause, Rachel's only smiling because of the thought of releasing her own Christmas album, filled with whatever Hebrew symphonies she could find because she's always been one to stick to her roots. But the thought is cut short as Finn continues. "If it's because I like, bombarded you in that bookstore—I didn't mean to, freak you out or whatever, I thought—"
She cuts him off, downing the rest of her wine glass. "I'm just in a weird mood, you didn't do anything wrong." Her words don't seem to have much impact because the look of guilt on Finn's face is evident. Yet, Rachel can't find it in herself to try and dissuade that feeling from him and a little part of her wants him to feel bad even if there's no logical reasoning behind it. So instead of sticking around and being in a somewhat uncomfortable interaction—she places one of her dainty, perfectly manicured hands on Finn's broad, grey sweater clad shoulder to use as leverage in helping herself to the floor. She sways slightly, still holding onto the taller boy but feeling the effect of a few too many glasses of wine rushing to her head.
"Wait, Rachel—I was hoping we could talk about—"
"Later, Finn." She says, ignoring the way his eyebrows are furrowed in confusion before she lets her hand drop from his shoulder and proceeds to exit the room.
For a short time after, she lets herself enjoy the little time that she has with her friends. She ignores Santana's looks of concern and ignores the sight of Kurt and Finn talking in hushed tones in the corner of the room and she also even ignores one of her NYADA classmates who's name she can't remember insistent need to always pat her butt in the most non-aggressive way they're capable of whenever the beginning of a song starts to play.
She's in the middle of an intense but strange conversation between Mercedes and Brittany, the two of them discussing the molecular volume of something that she wasn't paying attention to when she hears Blaine's voice call everyone in for a game of Concoctions. Not even being a third party to Brit and Mercedes conversations could stop Rachel form partaking in drinking games.
She scurries over to the island in the kitchen where everyone is sitting and flattens her skirt with her palms before placing herself atop Blaine's lap. He wraps his arms around her waist and gives her a sloppy, wet kiss on the cheek. "Who wants to bet money that Rachel's the first one to puke tonight?" He announces and there's an uproar of laughter before bills are being thrown around by everyone debating on who would puke first.
She playfully nudges Blaine, shaking her head slightly and when she looks up, she makes eye contact with Kurt who's giving her this "what-is-the-matter-with-you-all-of-a-sudden" look, which she ignores—the way she's been ignoring a lot of things tonight. "So am I rolling first then?"
"We should probably explain the game to the newbies, Rachel." Brittany chimes and Rachel's very much aware that newbies means Finn, his two friends and the handful of Kurt's vogue acquaintances, who're more than likely to just be watching anyways.
"It's simple." Kurt starts. "You roll the dice and whatever number you land on is the number of food you have to combine and then eat. So, if you roll a four then I'm going to creat the vile combination of something like—a Dorito dipped in mayonnaise with a chocolate covered sardine on top."
"And then if you don't eat it—" Blaine adds, drumming his fingers excitedly against the granite. "Which I wouldn't blame you, that sounds atrocious, Kurt. Then you drink."
"But if you do eat it then the other person who gave you the concoction has to drink instead." Santana says, finishing up the instructions. There's a general consensus that the rules are understood, seeing as it's a simple game and so Rachel claps her hands, motioning over to Brittany to pass her the dice.
She rolls a six.
"Oh you've got to be kidding me." Rachel says in between laughs but it quickly subsides when Finn is the one announcing that he's got a pretty gruesome idea.
"Go easy on the girl, Finny." Blaine warns jokingly, warranting an eye roll from Rachel.
"Just remember that I am in fact a vegetarian so if you try to concoct some sort of food mixture of anything coming from an animal you're automatically going to drink." She says, matter-of-factly.
Finn simply nods, a crooked smile appearing on his lips before he gets up out of his seat and makes his way over to the stainless steel refrigerator. Rachel watches as he grabs a jar of pickles, broccoli, a can of cheese (which Rachel cringes at, cheese should not be contained in cans, she's pretty sure that's a form of poison,) a banana, a clementine and a piece of chocolate cake that had been wrapped up in tinfoil.
"No way, I was going to eat that tomorrow!" Kurt argues, referring to the decadent piece of cake that Finn was now unwrapping. Finn ignores him though, muttering something about taking one for the team.
"You're not even trying Finn; all of those ingredients are relatively not so bad so you might as well get your shot glass ready." Rachel tells him confidently.
"Ah-ah-ah, don't get cocky on me Berry." And just like that, her facial expression drops to a frown as she watches him pull out a blender and dropping everything into it—the clementine unpeeled!
"That orange peel might as well be considered a seventh item and I rolled six!" She says indignantly, crossing her arms over her chest. No one takes her argument seriously though, all eyes over at Finn as they watch him blend everything together, turning it into this weird brown color that makes Rachel want to run for it. But she will not let Finn win, not in a million years. Winning is her thing and if she has to drink a glass of literal brown fluid in order to beat Finn Hudson at a drinking game, then she sure as hell will.
"What a waste of a perfectly good piece of cake." Kurt points out, shaking his head in pure disgust.
Finn has this disgustingly smug smile on his face as he walks over, the glass filled all the way to the top. "Drink up, Berry." He says, placing the glass right in front of her. "And I decided to make it easier for you—you only have to take two gulps of the thing and then we'll call it a day, if you can even manage that."
Rachel has to force down the bile that threatens to come up as she looks down at the concoction before her and she all of a sudden has this urge to beat Finn Hudson over the head with a stick or something. She's not even so sure why she's so riled up—it's a drinking game, it's not that serious but everyone is cheering her on, yelling over and over "chug, chug, chug, chug." Finn all the while, sitting back with his arms crossed behind his head basking in what he thinks is going to be some sort of glory win for him, but she's stronger than that and like she said, she's a winner.
So she tentatively at first, brings the glass up to her nose, cringing at the rancid smell of it before plugging her nose and—
"No plugging your nose Berry!" Santana insists and her eyes widen at the unfairness, these are not the rules of the game! All you have to do is eat whatever concoction is made for you and that's it, but as she looks around the room everyone's nodding and Rachel makes a mental note to make them pay for this later on in the game.
So then she goes for it, and yeah—it tastes awful and everyone is still cheering her on and she knows Finn said only two sips would suffice but she's suddenly basking in all the glory that is in beating Finn Hudson and so she goes overboard and drinks the whole thing, slamming the glass down onto the granite table so hard that it could have possibly shattered if she had been a little stronger.
When she looks around, everyone is staring at her in awe, but she can't seem to smile at them or even say "told you so" because all of a sudden there's an awful feeling in her stomach and she's pretty sure she's going to vomit everywhere. She can only somewhat register Finn congratulating her, doesn't really care too much that he's pouring himself two shots of fireball. She doesn't stick around to watch him drink the two shots that were respectfully his to take due to her win, instead—covering her mouth and making a run for Kurt and Blaine's bathroom.
"Do not puke on my marble tiles!" She vaguely hears Kurt yell as she empties her stomach into his surprisingly clean toilet bowl.
Someone's in the room with her a second later, pulling her hair out of her face and pushing her bangs back a bit. She knows there's really no use, that there's already vomit in her hair and she's already mortified more than she needs to be. She's wrong about the last part because once her vision clears and she's able to pull back to tell who she assumes is probably Kurt that she doesn't need any help, to leave her alone in peace, she's instead met with Finn's irritating guilty expression, who's kneeling down and scooping her hair up into his giant hands. She's more mortified than she thought she possibly ever could be—so she vomits again, and some more, until she pretty much is just dry heaving since nothing is left in her.
She's not sure how much time passes but she's worked up a solid layer of sweat at this point. When she pulls away to sit on the floor, she pushes Finn's hands away from her hair but refuses to look at him, or say thank you for that matter.
"Look, Berry—I'm sorry."
Rachel doesn't feel like taking part in a pity party at the moment so she looks up from the floor, plastering a fake smile on her face in order to convince him that he has no reason to feel so guilty and just leave her alone.
"You don't have to apologize. I didn't have to drink it—besides, it was mostly because of the wine anyways and I did drink the entire thing in one sitting so, really, it's my fault. I should've thought about it for a second and realized that my insides are too fragile for that kinda thing."
She can tell by Finn's clear as day expression of guilt masked by a weird, crooked smile thing that he's probably not going to stop apologizing or even leave her alone at this point, which means she's stuck in Kurt and Blaine's bathroom with Finn Hudson while there's remnants of vomit in her hair. "I have to take a shower." She tells him, her eyes darting over to the door in order to get the message across that she wants him to leave. She strongly believes that she's going about it in the most polite way she possibly can, and that's better than being blatantly rude, right?
"You can't get rid of me so easily, Berry." And he smiles again, that crooked one that's been on his face all night—and she realizes that's sort of his thing. "I think that we should like, talk."
Rachel's expecting him to say more, to elaborate and she's pretty sure that Finn's expecting her to jump in and say something too but she only just looks at him, not saying a word.
He takes Rachel's silence as means to continue, with what—she's not sure and even though she knew this conversation was inevitable, even though she knew that she was the one who told Kurt that she could do this, that she needed to talk to Finn and sort out the logistics, she really, really does not want to talk to him about this, not right now at least. "Kurt was telling me how you wanted to know some details—like how much rent is, maybe actually go see it before making any decisions. I just, feel like we should talk about it. You've been weird tonight and you're usually never really weird—around me, at least. Usually, you never even really notice—"
"I'm not being weird about it, Finn." She interrupts him, wanting nothing more than to walk out of the bathroom and leave him alone. "I'm just, hesitant. Under other circumstances, I know what I want and I'm good at getting what I want and I never hesitate or doubt myself. I'm not really sure if I want to live with you, or with anyone. I just… haven't made up my mind yet."
Finn looks at her like he's thinking very hard about something, his eyebrows are scrunched up and there's these two little wrinkles in his forehead that Rachel wants to reach forward to smooth out. "Okay." He says suddenly, interrupting her inner dialogue. "Let me just—give you what you need, okay? Rent is relatively cheap because it's a loft in Bushwick and it's two bedrooms and there's this really cool bathroom that has two sinks and two mirrors so you don't have to share with me. I can have the smaller room if you want because it's not really that much smaller and I also don't have a lot of stuff, just like—my drum kit. My mom bought me this really nice fridge and there's also some appliances that come with the apartment itself and the subway is right around the corner and I know for a fact that the J train will take you literally right outside of NYADA so you don't have to worry about that and…" Finn trails off, pausing, presumably to think again while Rachel is just kind of looking at him in awe due to all of the information he just spewed out. "And—and yeah. That's it. If it matters, I'm also relatively okay to live with. My roommate in college didn't totally hate me and then my ex-girlfriend kind of hated me but that was, well just because. I promise I won't like, objectify you or anything and make you clean up after me or cook for me or… whatever. I just, you're doing me a favor, Rachel and you don't have to make a decision right now but, I figured that you should know that."
Finn's looking at her like she holds all of the answers in the world but Rachel's problem right now is that she's physically speechless. He's given her exactly what she had told Kurt she wanted—no, needed and he did it in a persuasive way that makes her think if she actually did turn him down, she would be the most moronic human for doing such a thing. So she opts for the easy answer. "I—it all sounds great, Finn really. It does. I just think maybe, I need to see it first, get a feel of it."
"Okay, fair enough so, let's go."
"What? Go now? This is a party—for you, we can't just leave."
"Why not?" Finn argues, his hand going to the back of his neck to rub somewhat boyishly at the spot there. "All I have to do is thank Kurt, compliment him on that new painting that's hanging up in the living room and then explain that we're gonna go check out the apartment and he won't even care, like at all. Piece of cake."
Rachel has to smile at this and it's not like it's necessarily a terrible idea, not really. Everyone's having fun and sure, maybe she'd like to quickly shower and get the vomit out of hair but she can do that tomorrow, she's past the point of caring about how she looks right now. Plus, she desperately needs to get out of Kurt's care. He's overbearing sometimes, even if she does appreciate everything that he's been doing for her.
"Alright." She simply tells him. "I want to brush my teeth first, though."
Finn nods, a wider smile lighting up his face this time around. "Cool, I'll go tell Kurt we're leaving."
"Cool." She says in response.
He leaves a second later and she gets up from the floor, feeling hungry more than anything else—reasonable, considering the circumstances. She quickly brushes her teeth and runs a comb through her hair to make herself somewhat presentable before exiting the bathroom to go find Finn.
There's not much explaining to be done, only some questions particularly from Santana and Blaine asking if everything was okay, but other than that, they leave rather abruptly and take the subway to Bushwick.
Rachel's first impression of the place is that the neighborhood is a little scary so she makes a mental note to unpack that pepper spray her dads gave her freshman year and attach it to her keychain just in case. The building itself though was particularly beautiful and had central air which was going to be Rachel's safety blanket in a month like this one currently.
The pair took the elevator up to the third floor and stepped off into a long hallway that had a lovely looking plant at the end, right before reaching a large door that you had to pull in order to get into.
Rachel really didn't know what she was expecting, she didn't necessarily have high standards to begin with, but even if she did it wasn't like the apartment was going to let her down very much. It was nice and a decent size for a two bedroom apartment. She and Finn hadn't really said much to each other on the way there, just basic small talk like how NYADA was going and what Finn was expecting out of his new job. The subway was crowded as per usual on a late Saturday night so they mostly sat in silence, watching the passengers and the few odd drunk kids coming here and there, (it was somewhat reassuring for Rachel, that the area was mostly populated with young, college students—made it all the more comfortable to know that she would be taking the train with hung-over college kids rather than creepy old men.)
"So, what do you think?" Finn asks, momentarily catching her off guard. There's not much to it, really. There's a room in the center with two decent size windows that could be pushed out easily for air and such, a mattress placed in the middle of the room that Rachel assumes is Finn's temporarily, while he gets the apartment together, at least. There's also a large plasma TV sitting in the room and Rachel can't help but let her imagination run wild and picture a white plush couch that would wrap around the center of the room—maybe a little table in the corner with a green plant in the middle and some sun shining through the windows on a nice summery day.
The image makes it all the more perfect—it's a place that she can make a home out of, put little simple touches of her own here and there. When she turns the corner, there's a large piece of furniture that splits the two rooms, the living room that she had previously been in and the kitchen. The furniture somewhat resembles a bookcase of sorts but is large enough to put other items on it as well which makes Rachel excited about the versatility of the place. The kitchen is quaint but very cute with a granite island smack dab in the middle and the refrigerator Finn had told her about was in the corner next to the long countertop with what looked like mahogany cabinets underlying the bottom of it.
There's an oven and a microwave attached to the grey stone wall and she has to stop and think about just how much she really likes the place. "It's—it's really great, Finn. I can tell Kurt helped you out a lot when picking it."
Finn gives her a sheepish smile, like he's been caught. "Well, I really couldn't have done the whole moving thing without him since I know nothing about this city but yeah, I'm just kinda relieved that you don't totally hate it."
"How could I hate it, it's like a dream loft. It definitely needs some Rachel Berry touches and I've got a lot of furniture from my last place and—" she stops suddenly, realizing that she had been worried about what Finn would think about her being y'know, couch hopping and such. He hadn't brought it up yet and Rachel assumed it was just a matter of time before he asked what her deal was.
Almost on cue, as if Finn had been reading her mind, he clears his throat, pulling his bottom lip between his thumb and index finger. "We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to." He reassures her. "I mean, I have my obvious assumptions why you're living on Kurt's couch but he said it was complicated and I don't like to be like… uh, invasive or whatever."
"It is complicated." She confirms, having an inner argument with herself whether she really needs to explain it to Finn, someone who she considers a stranger. "And a long story that kind of always results in a pity party and I don't really feel like subjecting either of us to that tonight. I've already puked up every meal I've had today."
He visibly cringes, before sitting upright like he just realized something. "Are you hungry?" He asks, walking over to the huge stainless steel fridge and sorting through it while still managing to converse with her. "One of the first things I did before I really… well did anything else was stock the fridge and I figured you'd at least come by and Kurt mentioned you were a vegetarian so I got these weird tofu burger things from the market down the street so—" He pops his head out from the fridge to look at her before continuing. "Would that interest you?"
Rachel smiles and nods her head. That was nice of him, she thinks, and maybe he really won't be such a terrible person to live with.
Finn makes her the tofu burger and puts it on probably the only plate in the loft before placing it down in front of her. She's finished half of it when he brings it up again.
"You don't have to explain yourself, y'know. I was serious, I don't need to know why or how or when you decided to stay with Kurt, I just need to know if you're gonna take up my offer. I really only genuinely care about that, like I said, you're helping me out just as much as I'm helping you, maybe even more."
"It's a story for another time." She tells him, taking another bite from the burger. "And yes—by the way, I think I'd be stupid if I said no to this."
Finn smiles, running a hand through his short brown hair. "Then it's settled. You're moving in."
Rachel simply nods, feeling somewhat relieved, like a huge weight that had been getting heavier and heavier the past few months had just been lifted off from her shoulders. "I'm moving in."