HELLO MEAT PUPPETS! Behold the untimely horror of…SHRILANKA-SAN'S FIRST GX FIC! Not only that…BEHOLD A MULTIPLE CHAPTER FIC! Yes, for some sick reason that humanity isn't supposed to understand, Shri-san is making a dangerously insane GX fic staring all of her favorite sad little characters! Okay, let's start with a few things you should know about Those Crazy Obelisks!
1) Shri does not, has not, and if there is a merciful god in the heavens, will not own Yu-Gi-Oh, Yu-Gi-Oh GX, Monty Python, Target, Jeeves and Wooster, or whatever sick and cruel pop cultural reference that somehow manages to veer it's head in this story.
2) I was going to wait until the end of the other story I'm running, There's Something About Marik, before starting this story, but then I decided 'THE GX FANDOM NEEDS INSANITY!', so here it is. Besides, it's high time I contributed. Keeping that in mind, the updates are going to be pretty 'random' for awhile, because this is more of a 'project on the side' thing, unlike my usual 'update every Friday' mantra. Also-
3) No couples! Honestly! Plenty of one sided crushes, but no couples.
4) I must politely request that since this is sort of the introduction chapter, you bear with me on the humor level, which will get much higher over time. I promise!
5) The original Those Crazy Obelisks started as a little joke between one of my best friends, where I wrote notes that Alexis, Zane, and Chazz wrote back and forth to each other, which usually ended with Zane somehow brutally mauling Chazz…which we both got in trouble for (if you haven't guessed, I really had to amp Zane (but really, pretty much everyone else) down ten thousand notches to get this to be suitable for K+…be very glad you weren't there to see it) , which brings me onto
6) I will be using dub names, unlike There's Something About Marik, to just remove some of the confusion, and
7) As usual, there will be plenty of insane OC's. Don't worry, I will make sure that all of them have some freakish quirk to make them interesting, so they don't dilute any of your fanatically driven minds (or mine), and finally
8) I am borderline insane. So if you expect humor that isn't random, stupid, and maybe even melodramatic in some freakish bits, GET OUT NOW!
Well, I think we've satisfactorily covered everything, don't you? Boy….that like, took forever Oh, one more this is kind of the first year for everyone, so Alexis's insane older brother should rear his insane little head about halfway through the fic give or take. Okay, rant done. We can start now.
CHAPTER ONE
Wish You Were Here
There are only two true motivations in life. There are doing things that are for yourself, and there are doing things for other people. At the back of her head, she vaguely wondered what her motivation was.
WOW! That's a stupid opening for a comedy! Let's try this one:
Alexis Rhodes was barely aware of the announcement on the train that they would stop at the port that would take her to the famous (or infamous) Duel Academy, as she watched the scene pass by her window with light brown eyes who's reflection on the window stared right back at her. Several things were on her mind, but by far the most angering was the fact that she got landed in a school uniform that consisted of a skin-tight tank top, sleeveless turtleneck, and a micro mini. But she tried to keep it out of her for now, though it was sort of being forced on her because of something more immediate that was bugging her.
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?" she yelled, for what seemed like the tenth time in the last three minutes, kicking the seat in front of her, which was full of what appeared to be a bunch of drunk males who were, for some sick reason she had yet to understand, were singing the 'Ms. Susie' car song. "Or do us all a favor and at least take requests!"
"Whoa! A pretty girl!" said one dizzily, as Alexis rolled her eyes, deeply amazed at the sense of the power of male observation. "Hey! Want to take verse two?"
"Scrub off," she said.
She had endured things similar to this, and despite the fact that she bugged her parents to no end to drive her to the port, noooooo, her loving but frighteningly overprotective parents insisted that she take the train, where no road-ranged maniac could come, tip their car off a cliff, and kidnap her, because she'd be safe by means of public transportation , even though every person aboard was a person who's parents just want a half hour of peace and quiet out of the way of their patheticness send their kids.
Not to mention the kids much too drunk to drive themselves.
"Attention passengers," said a female voice over the intercom. "We have arrived at the port to Duel Academy, better known as the Academy for Kids with no lives. Please take all your bags and exit through either the front of the back of your car."
"WOO!" screamed the bunch of idiotic boys. "Let's get out there and see how much dead stuff's on the shore before we have to take off!"
"AFTER ANOTHER COLD ONE!" screamed another, as Alexis took her sweet time to let the lesser life forms exeunt from the car. Her bags weren't that many, just basic things to tide her over, as she worked her game plan for the rest of the three years of her life.
Why the fact that there was a school strictly for dueling was beyond her, but she dare not question the thin threads of insanity that manage to hold the world together. She could only exit, praying that the idiots would vomit in the ocean and not on the boats.
The port itself was a relatively busy place, mostly with fanatics swapping out cards and bragging, or girls giggling like loonies, all of them heartily argreeing that the best of the male duelists are mega-hot. Alexis felt that deep hope that there would be some sane female friends lurking around this school with a halfway original thought in their heads. Her hopes weren't that high.
"FIRST YEARS! FIRST YEARS THIS WAY!"
She turned around, to see a huge, shaggy, almost frightening looking man standing on one of the docks, a lantern held high in his hand. He looked to be a giant, or at least half way to one, standing in front of a bunch of little boats, lanturns tied to them that looked identical to the one he was carrying.
"First years!" he called again, as Alexis made her way to him. "If yer a first year, come on now! Don't be shy!"
"Um…excuse me," said Alexis to the huge man. "I'm a first year."
"AH! Good teh see yeh lass!" he said, gripping her hand in one that was about the size of a large dinner plate. "Ah'm Hagrid, keeper of the keys and grounds at Hogwarts!"
"I'm Alexis Rhodes, and I'm not going to Hogwarts," said Alexis. "It's nice to meet you."
"Not going to Hogwarts, eh?" said Hagrid. "Ah…oh I see! Yer with that Duel Academy lot, aintcha?"
"Yes…" said Alexis awkwardly.
"Ah, weel, yer takin' the helicopters," said Hagrid, pointing to a bunch of helicopters about seventy feet from the fleet of boats.
"Oh, sorry to bug you then," said Alexis, quickly grabbing the handle to her wheel-away suitcase, rushing to the helicopter's and away from the giant man. It turned out that all the other students were starting to file onto the helicopters as well as her. Without really thinking about it, she rushed onto the nearest helicopter, just thankful that she didn't have to swim across the ocean to get onto the island.
And it was the one with a driver who was near sighted, was prone to very random, violent, spasm-like movements, and was still convinced that the helicopters were going to be bombed down by German Airplanes at any moment.
---ooo---
"Ah! Miss Rhodes! Come on, sit down," said a young woman working at the desk in the main office. "I'm Ms. Takaya, and…you got George's helicopter, didn't you?"
Alexis managed to walk over to the seat in front of the desk, weak kneed, her long, dark blonde/brown hair looking like it had gotten sucked into a jet engine. She was twitching wildly as Ms. Takaya gave her a long look, shaking her head.
"Do you need to go down to the nurse for-" she started.
"NoI'mfinekeepgoing," Alexis spat out at a very fast pace.
"Okay…now then," said Ms. Takaya. "Before we start, I just want to talk to you a little bit about your file."
"Yes?" asked Alexis.
"Well…I'll be honest, I'm really quite shocked on just what the academy is letting in," said Ms. Takaya. "I mean, look at this file! According to this, you are reported to have been sentenced to ten various felonies, earning yourself a total of eight thousand dollars worth of fines and three thousand hours of community service."
Alexis looked shocked.
"And some of these other things are quite shocking," said Ms. Takaya. "Apparently, the only time you've ever attended a single day of middle school, you were reported to have vomited in the waste paper basket, passing out shortly after."
Alexis now looked thoroughly horrified.
"And all of these misdemeanors!" said Ms. Takaya, dumping a huge wad of papers out of the file. "Drinking, stealing, bi-daily insubordination, public stripping, streaking-"
She suddenly looked at the file in horror.
"OH! I'm sorry, I grabbed the wrong file!" she said, quickly shoveling the papers back into the envelope, as Alexis fell out of her chair in shock. "Dang filing system…can't keep anything straight anymore…"
Alexis continued to shudder in inner pain.
"OH! Here we go, Alexis Rhodes," said Ms. Takaya, walking back, carrying a fresh file, that was much lighter than the last one. She opened it, and idly flipped through the pages, as Alexis struggled to sit back in her chair. "Okay…excellent grades…yes…perfect disciplinary record…okay!"
She shut it.
"Everything looks excellent Ms. Rhodes," she said with a smile. "Uh…you won't tell anyone abou-"
"I'm trying to forget about it myself," said Alexis, massaging her forehead.
"Okay…uh, sorry," said Ms. Takaya. "Now then, the good news is that may congratulate you on being accepted into the Obelisk Blue Dorm!"
"And the bad news?" asked Alexis.
"Well…you're going to hate me for saying this, but the only room left is one that has two roommates," said Ms. Takaya.
"Oh, that's no problem!" said Alexis. "I once shared a room with my-I mean, I've shared a room before. It's no problem."
"No, it's not like that," said Ms. Takaya. "You see…they both have no souls."
Silence.
"That's bad then?" asked Alexis.
"Oh yeah," said Ms. Takaya. "They'll instantly bond and become 'best friends' with the first person to come into their lives with a soul. So basically…you'll be the proud owner of two soulless cronies."
Utter silence.
"Sorry…" she said.
"No, it's okay," said Alexis.
Ten minutes later, she had managed to find her way outside, and she started screaming at the top of her lungs in pure frustration to the heavens, her anguished screams echoing over the ocean, startling a bunch of barnacle encrusted old sailors.
"IT BE THE BANSHIE! YARG!" screamed one.
"Head to the main shore!" screamed the other, frantically paddling away in the opposite direction.
---ooo---
She wasn't really surprised that she didn't like her uniform any more when she actually put it on than when she had to look at it. Indeed, she wondered if she should try her hand at sewing to try to make her skirt at least three inches longer so she wouldn't have to worry about exposing her undies just by leaning foreword. She didn't care that she actually looked quite good in it, being of a good weight and being as tall, even taller, as most boys in her class. She felt like a walking Victoria's Secret ad.
But that was going to be a problem for another day.
Her latest problem, however, was the fact that she was standing outside of an already foreboding looking dorm, because like the other dorm room doors, it was painted a dark blue, but unlike the others, it had sort of 'flower power' meats Spongebob Squarepants flowers painted all over it in various pastel colors.
"Oh God…here goes…" said Alexis, clamping her eyes shut, as she bravely opened the door, and made a couple of uneasy steps inside.
It actually didn't turn out as bad as she expected. Sure, the room was a little too decked out in various pink and yellow plushie animals and beanbag chairs, but there was no sign of black velvet pictures or wall-to-wall magazine clippings of hot guys, so she wasn't too upset. However, the instant she walked in, the two girls in the room, turned around and stared at her. One of them had almost ashy-bluish hair, and the other had brownish red hair, and both were dressed in their uniforms, looking as if they had been doing nothing but standing there and staring at each other before she came.
There was a moment of silence as two worlds and mental stability levels collided.
"Um…hi!" said Alexis, trying to be cheerful.
Silence.
"Em…I'm your new roommate!" Alexis tried, but this time a little more awkwardly.
Silence.
"My names Alexis!" she tried again. "What are your names?"
"Al…ex…is…" said the two simultaneously and in monotones.
"Uh…huh…that's my name…" said Alexis awkwardly.
"Alexis…" they both said again, in the same monotone.
"You know, if you two were doing something, I can just unpack later…" said Alexis, backing out of the doorway.
"Alexis friend…Alexis friend…Alexis friend…" said the two, getting up from where they sat, and like zombies, began to walk over to her in stiff, zombie like movements.
She slammed the door in front of her.
"Yeah, that's definitely a later thing," said Alexis.
"Oh, don't tell me you got the room with the soulless cronies," said a girl behind her.
"Yes…" said Alexis awkwardly.
The girl just gave Alexis an incredibly sympathetic look, and turned around, walking away.
---ooo---
The welcoming banquet turned out to be no better.
As Alexis was slowly beginning to trip on the basic fact that her new school was dominated by people who were either rich, snotty, or both. What's worse was that she was finding out that it was almost on a frightening scale in the male population.
"And you see, that's when my dad drove in on his yacht to Madagascar to get me a lemur as a pet," one drowned on, as Alexis eyed her glass, wondering there was anyway she could somehow jam enough water in her throat to drown herself with.
"That's nothing!" said the one guy. "Once there was an annoying little fly buzzing around, so we moved to our house on Martha's Vineyard as our house was destroyed by wrecking balls!"
"Ugh, bug guts just ruin everything," said the first guy.
"Um…let's talk about something else," said Alexis.
"Like what?" asked the two.
"I don't know…politics…world issues…pop culture…anything that doesn't involve indulging on our own wealth and self-glorification?" asked Alexis.
Silence.
"Hey, how many credit cards do you have?" asked one guy.
"NONE!" yelled Alexis indignantly.
"Whoa! What are you, dirt poor?" asked one guy.
"I am not dirt poor just because I don't own a credit card!" said Alexis angrily.
"Or a hippie," the other guy commented, as some of his dimwitted friends started to snicker.
"Okay, that's it," said Alexis. "Gentlemen, I wish you good night, and I hope that you decide to dedicate some of your finances to decent lobotomies."
"BIG WORDS!" screamed the two idiots, both recoiling in ultimate pain, screaming and writhing in pure pain, crashing into other people, who then crashed into other people, causing everyone else to scream and mill about in pure horror.
"YOU USED BIG WORDS?" someone else cried, as the entire dorm looked like it was about to drive itself into a frenzy, causing students to punch huge holes in the walls, frantically claw and trample each other out of the room, and turn the entire dining hall into the equivalent of a mosh pit.
"I'll just leave now…" Alexis said, trying her best to sneak out, but she was then cut off by a violent scream of pain. Giving up about halfway through and breaking into a run out of there.
---ooo---
"Ah…air…nice, clean, not-stuffy air…" said Alexis in relief, sitting at the edge of a cliff under the star-dotted night sky, holding a notepad and a pen, along with an envelope that she intended to mail the letter she was about to write home. "Okay…"
She was planning to fullfil the request by her parents that the instant she got on the island, she would send them a letter confirming that she was okay and that insane pyromaniacs weren't going to whisk onto the grounds and burn the dorm rooms to the ground, kidnap her, and sell her to so deranged card collector in Bismark (again, her parents are just a mite overprotective). However, for the sake of cuteness, they got her a pack of stationary to convince her that leaving a detailed account of her life would be incredibly fun (or at least cultivate an impression of such).
Dear Mom and Dad,
Hi! What's up? I'm okay-
"No, too lame," said Alexis, scratching out the sentence.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Made it safe and sound and sound to Duel Academy.
She stared at the page.
Everyone here is an absolute jerk, spawned from the gods of buttheaded, screaming loonies who's wallets are swollen to the size of omnibuses.
"A bit of an exaggeration, and a little too honest," said Alexis, scratching it out again. "Wow, writing a letter home is harder than I thought. Especially since their expecting something…well, good."
She just sat their for a moment, enjoying the silence, save for the buzzing sound of crickets around her.
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a-
"NOOOO!" she yelled in horror, frantically scribbling off that last line.
I-
Pause, as she balanced her pen on the paper.
-wish you were here.
"That may be a little too honest too…" said Alexis. "God, usually I don't start school years like this."
She listened to the waves crashing against the rocks bellow here.
"You know…I just realized I don't have a clue where I am…" said Alexis, looking around. "Oh whee, on top of everything else, I'm lost in the middle of the night, on a strange island, in the middle of a great big ocean."
Silence.
"Well, it can't get much worse than this, can it?" she reasoned with herself.
"Attention all students," said a voice over the intercom. "We have just received word that a torrential storm is heading this way and will be here within the hour. We politely request that everyone return to their dorms for the sake of safety due to the fact that this storm is capable of producing winds at almost tempest-like velocity, partnered with thunder and lightning, not to mention the fact that your uniforms are dry clean only. Thank you!"
Alexis listened to the click of the intercom turning off.
"I will not say a single word, because obviously the Karma Police are out on the prowl tonight," said Alexis, turning around and walking down the path that she assumed was the right way back to the girl's dorms.
---ooo---
It wasn't.
"Okay…harbor…not the girl's dorms…" said Alexis, staring out at the bare empty harbor, which was just a little ways down the path in front of her. "Oh well, the girl's dorm can't possibly be that far from this spot anyway."
That's when a wind threw a 'DA' brochure in her face. After a humiliated spit second, she ripped it off and read what it said.
FUN FACT: The Obelisk Blue Girls Dorm is the farthest dorm away from the harbor!
"Well it can't get much-" Alexis started.
"Attention students, the storm will be here within a half hour," said the intercom.
"-better!" Alexis finished frantically.
"Oh, wait, my mistake, it'll be here within twenty minutes," said the intercom announcement.
"DROP DEAD KARMA!" yelled Alexis.
"Yes Alexis, hurry home," said a much gruffer sounding voice over the intercom. "Run home, for the mob hasn't forgotten what you've done at the banquet hall, and we all thirst for your blood! BWA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Click.
Silence.
"SO WE'VE MOVED FROM KARMA TO CATCH-22!" Alexis yelled angrily to the sky. "ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO HAPPEN TO ME IN THE SPAN OF TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE I DIE? A POLICE RAID PERHAPS? MAYBE A NORTHWARD BAND OF FLESH-EATING LOCUSTS?"
"What's the matter? I heard screaming over here," yelled a guy running up to her…who was wearing an Obelisk Blue Uniform.
"Oh no! The locusts are too quick for your taste, huh!" yelled Alexis again. "You just want to torture me for another twenty minutes! Thanks a lot! Thanks a bloody lot!"
"What are you talking about?" he asked, sounding a little concerned, and just a pinch of creeped out. He was tall, with a good solid three or so inches on her, which was a feat because, as we said before, she herself was quite tall. He had really dark blue hair (Alexis never quite understood why so many people had unnatural hair colors around these parts), with a coat a little different than the typical uniforms she'd seen so far (white with blue trim instead of the other way around).
"Don't give me your cheep sympathy!" yelled Alexis. "Go ahead! Start babbling about how much cooler you are than everyone else! Go ahead! I'm not stopping you! I've already given up! I have hit the smoldering rock bottom of the crater that has become the rest of this entire school year! The gods in the heavens are against me!"
Silence.
"I'm guessing either you're new and you spent too much time in the dinning hall, or you got George's helicopter," said the kid.
"Yeah, why? Did you?" said Alexis.
"Yes, but it was awhile ago," said the guy. "Don't worry, they become easier to tune out as time goes by. At least you didn't need to go to the hospital like some of the other kids who rode the helicopter."
"Wait, so that means you're older than me," said Alexis. "What's your year?"
"Third," he said.
"First," she said.
"I guessed that," he said.
"Well good for you," she said.
Silence.
"Shouldn't you be heading back?" she asked.
"I was planning to, until you started screaming," he said. "Shouldn't you be?"
"No, I've got nothing to look foreword to but a lynch mob. I'll just hang tight here," said Alexis.
"Oh…so you're Alexis then?" said the kid.
"Yeah, who are you?" Alexis asked.
"Zane," he said.
"Nice to meet you Zane," said Alexis. "Shouldn't you be heading back to your dorm?"
"I'd be happier if you would go back too," said Zane.
"So you can get prime seats for the madness?" asked Alexis.
"I just don't see any logic in wanting to stay out here, guaranteeing you'll get drenched, possibly hurt, or even killed, when there's a good chance that the group will have gotten bored of anything even close to civil disobedience," said Zane. "But if you want to, then fine. I don't care."
"Okay then logic boy, I'll go," said Alexis. "Uh…but there's one more thing,"
"You're lost," he said.
"HOW DID YOU KNOW?" yelled Alexis.
"The only reason you could possibly be wandering around the docks is if you want to quit or you're lost," said Zane.
"Then why are you here? You want to quit?" asked Alexis.
"No. I like it out here where it's quiet," he said. "Not many people get lost. And when they do, they're usually not Obelisks."
"Wonderful," Alexis said flatly. "I feel so much better."
"Come on, it's this way," said Zane.
"And now your just turning around and helping me," said Alexis.
"What do want me to do? Shove you in the ocean?" asked Zane.
"I'm just saying," said Alexis. "Fine, fine, lead on…oh, one more thing."
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Thanks," she said.
---ooo---
Zane: Script format's illegal you know.
Alexis: In some places, it's illegal for a woman to testify against abuse by her husband. So calm down.
Zane:…
Alexis: Hey guys! It's us! The main characters!
Zane: Well, there'll be more, obviously. In fact, we're going to meet two more next chapter.
Alexis: Yeah! A guy and a girl! I mean, the guy's a bit on the creepy side, but the girl kicks butt!
Zane: I feel they're both a bit on the creepy side…
Alexis: Yeah well…one thing's for sure! They've both got more of a personality than Zane!
Zane: Hey…
Alexis: So come back for the next chapter, which will be a lot funnier by the way, 'Chapter Two: The Enemy of All Obelisks'!
Zane: Oh my…