This pointless piece of randomness emerged from my brain. Don't even ask me.
(JOHANNA and her new husband ANTHONY are walking down the streets of London.)
ANTHONY: Johanna!
JOHANNA: What is it, darling?
ANTHONY: There's a pair of women in that bar that look dreadfully upset. Do you think they need our help?
JOHANNA: If they do, I'm sure we must do everything we can!
(ANTHONY rushes into the bar, shouting "Here I come to save the day!" JOHANNA follows demurely behind him as they reach the pair of women. One of them has long blonde hair and the other has shoulder-length brown hair. The brown-haired woman is crying into her drink while the blonde one awkwardly pats her on the back.)
ANTHONY: Pardon me, misses, but is there anything I can do? We couldn't help but notice you were having some trouble.
BLONDE WOMAN: He's been this way for as long as I can remember-
ANTHONY: Who?
BLONDE WOMAN: (gesturing to brown-haired woman) My fiancé. He's been-
ANTHONY: He?
BLONDE WOMAN: Yes, him!
ANTHONY: ...
JOHANNA: ...
ANTHONY: ...if you say so.
BLONDE WOMAN: (to brown-haired...man) Anthony, darling, this gentleman is concerned for you.
ANTHONY: His name is Anthony too?
BLONDE WOMAN: Yes. Anthony Hope. And I'm Johanna.
JOHANNA: Really? Me too. And my husband's name is Anthony Hope.
JOHANNA: Well, that's interesting.
JOHANNA: I feel like this must be more than a coincidence.
ANTHONY: I'm already confused. Who's talking?
JOHANNA: You're right, this is confusing. I'll fix it. (pulls large SLEDGEHAMMER out of nowhere.)
ANTHONY: Oh, not this again!
JOHANNA: (ignores him and drives the SLEDGEHAMMER into the fourth wall, shattering it.) Mam'zelle the Authoress?
(The AUTHORESS, dismayed, watches as her computer screen is destroyed and a small white figure leans out.)
AUTHORESS: What is it?
JOHANNA: Kindly clarify about who's speaking.
AUTHORESS: Why?
JOHANNA: Because we can't figure it out.
AUTHORESS: But I thought it was funny!
JOHANNA: (glare) Don't make me shoot you like I shot Fogg.
AUTHORESS: Oh, now I know who you are! ...I guess that could be rather confusing. Fine. You're Johanna Hope, and the other one is Johanna Barker, since it appears she's not married. Satisfied?
JOHANNA HOPE: Extremely. (She takes out a large bottle of Elmer's glue and fixes the fourth wall. Meanwhile, JOHANNA BARKER, ANTHONY, and FEMMISH!ANTHONY are watching. JOHANNA BARKER and FEMMISH!ANTHONY are confused.)
JOHANNA BARKER: Wait, what?
ANTHONY: Oh good, you fixed it! (to JOHANNA BARKER) She knows the Authoress.
JOHANNA HOPE: You bet I do!
JOHANNA BARKER: All right then. (Beat) Now, Anthony, do you want to tell these nice people what's wrong?
FEMMISH!ANTHONY: I'M SORRY, I COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE UNDERDEVELOPMENT OF MY CHARACTER
JOHANNA BARKER: That's nice, dear. (to JOHANNA HOPE and ANTHONY) He alternates between these crying spells and vowing revenge on Tim Burton. We're saving up for a therapist.
JOHANNA HOPE: Anthony, dear, I'm glad that didn't happen to you.
ANTHONY: And I'm glad it didn't happen to you.
JOHANNA HOPE: Oh sir!
ANTHONY: Ah miss!
JOHANNA HOPE: Oh sir!
ANTHONY: Ah miss!
JOHANNA HOPE: Oh sir!
ANTHONY: Ah miss!
FEMMISH!ANTHONY: What song is that from? I don't recognize it cos I SURE NEVER GOT TO SING IT! OR "Ah, Miss!" AND THOSE WERE TWO OF MY FAVORITE SONGS!
JOHANNA BARKER: Now Anthony...
(Whatever she has to say is cut off by the arrival in the bar of a girl with glossy black hair and a sailor. The sailor has the look of someone about to reveal something extremely important.)
SAILOR: (to bar at large) Ladies and gentlemen - I fear that what I am going to say will spoil your appetites; but the truth is beautiful at all times, and I have to state that Mrs. Lovett's pies are made of human flesh!
CUSTOMERS OF BAR: ...
MAN WITH CAP: They figured that out weeks ago, boy, don't you read the papers?
SAILOR: (abashed) Oh. Sorry. I just...I thought you might not know. Sorry. (The GIRL guides him to the bar, where they sit next to our quartet.)
GIRL: It's okay, Mark.
(ANTHONY breaks into their conversation. This is rather rude, but ANTHONY, being ANTHONY, he is rather silly and not altogether aware of common courtesy.)
ANTHONY: Thank heavens your names aren't Anthony and Johanna! We were getting dreadfully confused.
GIRL: Sorry?
(ANTHONY gives a quick explanation of the events of the past minutes. GIRL and MARK listen, fascinated.)
MARK: So wait, how did she clarify the script?
ANTHONY: She knows the Authoress.
JOHANNA HOPE: You bet I do!
MARK: All right then.
GIRL: Well, uh, my name is Johanna...
ANTHONY: This is weird.
GIRL: Johanna Oakley. I'm a spectacle-maker's daughter.
JOHANNA HOPE: Lucky. I'm the daughter of a serial killer.
JOHANNA BARKER: So am I. Or a rapist, depending on how you look at it.
(They sigh.)
JOHANNA OAKLEY: Well, that's...disturbing.
MARK: Indeed.
JOHANNA OAKLEY: Then again, I'm engaged to someone who made pies out of human flesh, so I suppose I shouldn't talk.
MARK: HEY! I was forced to do that, you know. Mrs. Lovett MADE me.
JOHANNA OAKLEY: I know, honey. I know. It's okay.
MARK: (sniffles)
ANTHONY: Oh, this is all so terribly sad! It's almost more than I can bear!
LEFOU: More beer?
JOHANNA BARKER: ...sorry?
LEFOU: Um, nothing. (he goes over to sit with GASTON at the other end of the bar.)
FEMMISH!ANTHONY: Well, that was...
JOHANNA OAKLEY: Wasn't it, though?
TOBY: (appears) Hi. (disappears)
MARK: I thought they put that boy in the madhouse...
ANTHONY: As did I...
FEMMISH!ANTHONY: No, he never went insane...he used to be younger, though...
MARK: Yes, much younger! He worked for Sweeney Todd, and-
ANTHONY: No, he worked for Mrs. Lovett! And then he killed Todd-
MARK: No, Todd was hanged!
FEMMISH!ANTHONY: No, Tobias killed him because he killed Mrs. Lovett!
MARK: Who killed Mrs. Lovett?
ANTHONY: Todd!
MARK: Oh, yes, that's what I heard...he poisoned her, right?
ANTHONY: No, he burned her up!
FEMMISH!ANTHONY: (shivers) It was disgusting...
ANTHONY: I didn't think the oven was that realistic...
JOHANNA HOPE: Those silly men.
JOHANNA BARKER: They just keep arguing...
JOHANNA OAKLEY: This is pointless.
AUTHORESS: It certainly is! But I'm going to post it anyway.