Author's note: This might be too OOC for you, but I cried writing it, so deal.
Snow fell softly ouside the window, accentuating the suffocating quiet in the large house. The only sign of movement a twitch of the long, gloved fingers wrapped around a vodka bottle. His eyes were bloodshot. Glazed over. His breath came in shuddering gasps, though his fear, or his pain, were inevident. His stare was unfocused and he blinked slowly, the snow getting to be too bright now.
He shut his eyes and finally moved, just one foot to push off the floor and turn his chair around, facing away from the glaring white outside. He sighed. He felt like he was in a dream. A very good dream that had somehow ended so terribly.
"This is for you." Ivan smiled, holding out a single, enormous sunflower.
Kiku's eyes widened and he tentatively reached out, accepting the plant, which was at least a foot taller than he was. "Ano... arigato..." He offered the other a small smile, vaguely wondering where he'd put the giant, prickly flower when he got home.
"Even the sunflower is not as sunny as Kiku." Ivan giggled, stepping closer to the Asian. "Even when you are quiet, you look so warm and peaceful." He sighed. Sometimes he wondered how he'd managed to convince Kiku to go out with him. It had taken a long time, to be sure. And much begging and stalking and trying his best to be romantic, for all that was worth. But it finally happened, and they'd been happy ever since.
His free hand came to rest against his forehead and he groaned. What had he done wrong? Something? Nothing? He just wanted to know. What would change a mind so suddenly? His head dropped a few inches. He could barely think. He felt too much to think about. Pain. Betrayal. Crushed hopes.
Kiku looked around the large house in wonder. He'd been here before, but not to stay... not like this. He tightened his grip on the suitcase handle, turning to the doorway where Ivan shook snow from his coat. "I never thought I would live in such a big house..."
Ivan chuckled lightly. "Kiku deserves luxury. I hope to give Kiku everything he deserves." He smiled and joined Kiku by the staircase, leading him up to the bedroom and helping him unpack. He could barely contain his excitement. Once he'd been an outcast. He had no friends, his only family was estranged, and everyone that met him seemed to resent his attitude. But Kiku was so different. Kind, and gentle, and most of all, tolerant. And now he would be sleeping in Ivan's bed, and sitting at his table. He would see that beautiful smile every day.
"Nani?" Kiku spoke up, looking at Ivan strangely. "You have a strange look on your face, Ivan-kun..."
Ivan grinned. "Love looks strange sometimes." Kiku blushed and he grinned wider.
"A-Aishiteru."
"Ja ljublju tebja~"
The bottle slipped an inch or two, held more by balance than any kind of grip. The strength, and the will to be strong, had gone out of him. He made a choking sound as his eyes filled up with tears. He shook his head, as if refusing. But what was the point in refusing what happened in the past?
"I'm terribly sorry, let me help you." The man smiled, green eyes sparkling, as he helped Kiku pick up his groceries, having just literally run into him on the street. "I wasn't watching where I was going. Are you alright?"
"H-hai, I am fine." Kiku answered, dropping his gaze. "Arigato. For helping." He nodded to the man and took a step forward.
"Wait." The man smiled, holding out an arm to catch Kiku. "Are you walking home?"
"Hai." Kiku nodded again, confused. "I usually walk home. Ivan-kun drives the car to work and the store is only a block away."
The man smiled. "You know, my house isn't far from here either. Would you like to stop over for a spot of tea?"
CRASH!
The bottle slipped from his limp fingers, hitting the hardwood floor of the den and shattering in an almost explosive spectacle. He felt a few tiny fragments sting his wrist where his sleeve was pulled back too far and sighed, pulling his hand up a couple of inches as if it would help.
Things had been next to perfect. And then that man came into their lives.
"Asa-san is only my friend, Ivan-kun." Kiku's face and voice were full of hurt and annoyance. "Do you really think I would leave you?"
"For him, of course. He has everything I do not. You are at his home 'visiting' more often than you are here with me." Ivan retorted, brows furrowed. He was sick of hearing Kiku's stories of how intelligent Arthur was, and how polite he was, and reserved, and modest, and well-dressed. Sick of it.
"What are you insinuating?" Kiku looked surprised. "We drink tea and talk, that's all. Why are you being like this?"
Ivan didn't answer.
He choked again, this time the tears rolled down his face. It was his fault. He wanted to keep Kiku so badly, he drove him away. He slowly brought his hands to his face, covering it as he started to cry. He would never have cried in front of Kiku. But now, nothing mattered. No dignity, no toughness could make him a real man again.
He forced himself to stand, stumbling toward the stairs. His feet caught on the edges as he attempted to ascend them, gripping the railing with both shaking hands.
"You are never there for me!" Kiku cried furiously, taking a step toward Ivan. "He always has time for me, every day! And he likes listening to me!" Tears clung to the corners of his eyes. "You are barely home and when you are, you don't want to sit and talk. You... you just want to..." He blushed, brows stitched in anger.
"Kiku, you don't... you don't even talk to me, all you talk about is /him/." He growled, hurt and confused. His world was crashing down on him. This was the third fight in two days, and he wasn't even counting all the ones in the months prior.
"Because he cares about me! When was the last time you wanted to just sit or take a walk? You never ask about my day!" Kiku stepped closer, getting in Ivan's face despite the tears streaming down his own. "He makes me feel loved, and you make me feel ignored! The only time you talk is when you are accusing me of cheating, you don't even trust me anymore!" He stepped back, his emotions getting to him. He brought his hands to his face, trying to wipe the tears away. "I can not do this anymore, Ivan-kun..."
Ivan's heart clenched. He shook his head and reached out, pulling Japan into a hug. "Kiku, Ja ljublju tebj-"
Kiku pushed him away gently. "Aishiteru, but... I can not do this. I want someone to be there all the time, and I have asked you and you are always too busy for me. Asa-kun is never too busy for me..." He choked up.
Ivan reached out again, getting desperate. "Please, K-Kiku, nyet... do not leave..."
"Goodbye, Ivan-kun..." Kiku hugged Ivan quickly and turned around, grabbing the suitcase he'd unpacked several years before. He brought a hand to his mouth, willing himself not to cry more. This was his decision, he wasn't turning back now. "We can still be friends..." He whispered before walking out the door.
He sat on the edge of the bed, unable to stop the tears anymore. He tried and tried, but his heart wouldn't stop hurting. He opened his eyes and all he saw was Kiku in the arms of another man who was more impressive and romantic and attentive than he. The room spun. He forced himself to his feet again. Back down the stairs. Aimless. Life had no point, no meaning. He'd only had one good thing and he gave it up.
He stumbled out the back door into the snow. It was biting cold, but the cold was a relief. The cold outside distracted from cold inside. He took a shuddering breath of icy air, staggering across the unmarked blanket of white and across the yard, toward a line of trees. The back door swung in the winter gusts as he practically crawled into the woods.
Every word Kiku last said to him rung in his head. He whimpered and sank to his knees, wanting to forget. He was not happy before Kiku, but he wasn't like this. This was unbearable. He held his head in his hands, doubling over at the waves of pain in his chest. Who knew love could be so physical?
He laid down in the cold powder, curling up. He stared at the sky through the sparse trees, vision blurring. Steam rose from his mouth in smaller and smaller puffs, his eyes sliding shut. He sighed, bringing Kiku's face to the forefront of his mind. Imagining that beautiful smile and faint blush. He smiled, peace washing over him as he fell asleep.