The following characters belong to GAINAX, yadda yadda yadda, please don't sue me, blah blah
blah...
This takes place between episodes Tear and The Final Messenger, and is just about how Shinji
sees things now. I'm trying to get into a darker style of writing to build up to doing an
effective darkfic, but that just makes you realise how damn depressing NGE really is
sometimes...
*On The Brink - Derek Zischke*
How? How did my life end up like this? It used to be that my life was dull, but then I was
happy...happier than I am now, anyway. Before, I don't know if there were any I would have
called a friend, but now...it seems all of my friends, all the people I know and trust, have
been taken away, one by one.
Ayanami...she is no longer the girl I knew, no longer the girl that smiled at me in the
ruins of an entry plug. Now she's just a clone...a shallow imitation of what she once may
have been. She's not Rei anymore...just a number in a series.
Asuka hasn't spoken to me in weeks. She doesn't live here anymore...not in body, not in
mind. I've kept wanting for her to say something, anything, even for her to yell at me,
belittle me, call me stupid. She was taken away from this world after the fifteenth
Angel...now all she does is stay at Hikari's, playing those video games. Maybe she thinks
she can find some redemption, some worth, in those. She's missed so much school. I've heard
Hikari mention it once or twice. I keep wanting to tell her how sorry I am...about Toji.
About everything.
I couldn't gather up enough courage to see him at the hospital, because it was me that put
him there. He probably hates me now. I've said so many times that I mustn't run away, but in
the end, words count for nothing, and actions everything. I ran away again.
Kensuke...so many times I wanted to tell him to stop wanting to be an Eva pilot, but
something inside me kept holding me back. Probably the same part of me that keeps me
running. The day he begged Misato to be the pilot of Eva Three, I didn't know whether to
laugh or cry. Maybe I should have done both. Instead I did neither.
There's no one I can talk to anymore, not even Misato. She just stays in her room and plays
the last message Kaji left her over and over again. It hasn't been erased from the machine
yet, which doesn't surprise me, because nobody ever calls here anymore. I've heard her cry
herself to sleep so many times...and I run again. Is that all I'm good for? All I'm worth?
Running? Running from my problems? Running from my responsibilities? Running from my father?
I've said that I hate him so many times it seems to have lost all meaning. I'm not sure I
hate him anymore. Not when I have myself to hate instead.
Dark enough yet? I hate writing the evil side of Eva, mainly because it gets everyone
depressed. If you really think about all of what Shinji went through, it's a wonder he
didn't kill himself...
-Derek Zischke
ageless_strange@optusnet.com.au
"Do you suffer from long-term memory loss? I can't remember..."
-Chumbawhamba