I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

Written By: That Person You Wanna Punch

WARNING: An unnecessary amount of crack inside! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Author's Note n' stuff n' yeah:

This might be... the crackiest fic I've written... yet. It makes fun of the show 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant' which is basically about women who somehow didn't know they were preggers and have babies at the worst possible times. It's funny. In a 'holy crap I feel so bad for that kid' kinda way. Yeah, I know, I'm warped.

9:27 A.M.

"Mr. Neville Longbottom, is that correct?"

"Y-yes ma'am."

"Right. So, Mr. Longbottom, you're a student at Hogwart's are you not?" the woman wizard investigator asked.

The timid young man in the hard wooden seat nodded, swallowing hard. "Ma'am. Why am I here? What did I do?"

Instead of answering his question, the witch slammed her hand down on the wooden table. "YOU!" she yelled, "Are our lead when we traced the cause of this epidemic with our magic! You, Neville Longbottom, could be the answer to the plague that has struck Hogwarts!"

"Plague, ma'am?"

The witch sighed. "Neville Longbottom... everyone at Hogwarts... is pregnant. Everyone. The girls. The boys. The teachers. The animals! For some whacked up reason, everyone has a pie in their oven and are preggers! Now tell me, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!"

"Okay!" Neville cried. "Okay, okay! It all started two months ago..."

"Smchoopsie poop! Is that yooooouuuu, darling?"

"It's me, baby-cakes." Neville set down his briefcase and gave his romantic interest a hug. The one he embraced was Dobby. The house elf giggled and then the two sat down to dinner. "How was your day dear?" Neville asked.

Dobby swished his hand back and forth. Oh you know, it was boring without you here. Although, the morning sickness I've been having has gotten worse."

"Oh sweetie, do you think something is wrong? That's been a whole week since you've woken up sick."

"Neville, deary, I'm fine. Don't be a run over hot dog from a bicycle. You worry too much. I'm fine."

"If you say so dear."

The witch nodded. "So Dobby, this house elf, he was lying? He was really pregnant?"

"I didn't know he was pregnant," Neville sobbed. "But it made sense. The morning sickness, the craving for sweets, the mood swings. He'd yell at me to put on a clean shirt and the next minute cry into my shoulders about how he wished he had a clean shirt. Really, he was a rollercoaster mess."

The witch sighed. "How does this connect to everyone at Hogwarts being pregnant?"

Neville's voice became shaky with haunted memories. "Because it turns out Dobby wasn't pregnant... he had just gotten so bloody fat. So bloody fat. I guess he wanted to be pregnant so bad... he fooled himself into thinking he was. He truly believed he was preggers."

"Then what happened?"

"I was forced to watch Dobby become increasing mentally unstable. 'The baby will come any day now' he said. One day I couldn't take it, I said to him, 'love, you're not pregnant. You're just incredibly fat'."

"Then?" the witch detective asked.

Neville shook his head. "He just got crazy. Bonkers. He fell apart quicker than Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage. He just... went insane. 'If I can't have a baby then everyone around me will have babies!' he would scream."

"And when he screamed that, you didn't bother to take him seriously?"

"For bloody sakes woman, I didn't know the house elf had enough magic to cast a spell on everyone at Hogwarts to get preggers! This affected me too! Everything... everything just fell apart for me at school..."

"Eh-meh-gawd Harry, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle just started their own birthing class. They're totally not going to invite us!" Ron exclaimed.

Harry rubbed his now expecting stomach. "We don't need stupid Malfoy and his gang of losers to know how to give birth! It's kind of like jumping jacks, right? Same principle?"

"Holy hell Harry, childbirth is nothing like that! It's a bonding between the mother and her child. That moment when you hold your baby in your arms the first time- there's nothing like it. It changes you," Hermione said seriously.

Ron and Harry started laughing. "I bet Hermione's baby will be ugly!" Harry accused.

Hermione scoffed. "At least I can breast feed, you wankers!"

"I'm naming my baby Little Ron," Ron smiled.

"What if it's a girl?" Hermione asked.

"Oh no, I never thought of that! Uhhh... how about... oh, I know! Little Ron!"

Hermione palm-smacked her forehead. Suddenly Snape rolled by on a wheel-chair. "Professor! What happened!" Hermione exclaimed.

Snape groaned. "I'm having octuplets."

"You're Jewish?" Ron asked.

"No! I'm expecting eight babies! Eight bloody babies!" Snape yelled.

"Wow, that sucks," Harry sighed. "I bet they'll be twice as ugly as their father too."

The witch detective nodded as she listened. "So, the topic of pregnancies and babies were all around the school?"

Neville nodded yes. "It was baby crazy there. Draco's birthing class was a success. All the Quidditch students were too heavy to sit on their broomsticks so the games were cancelled. Snape found out he wasn't having octuplets, but dectuplets. Do you know how many that is? That's ten. Snape was expecting ten bloody babies."

"So what now? Where is Dobby? Where can we stop him?"

"You can't stop him. Can't you see? Everyone is preggers. They're going to have babies. That's that." Neville fought back tears. "And they're all going to have babies on the same day. It'll be a baby epidemic."

The witch detective cursed under her breath. "So that's it then? We can't do anything?"

"No. There's one thing... one thing we can do...

10 months later...

"My lord! There is a package for you, my lord! Shall I sign it for you, my lord?"

He who cannot be named stood up. "Yes," Lord Voldemort nodded. "Sign it, Bellatrix."

Bellatrix nodded. "Yes my lord. Very good my lord. Rock on, my lord." She signed the package and the UPS truck dumped it inside Lord Voldemort's home. The package was HUGE. "May I open it, my lord?"

"Sure," Voldemort nodded. "Go ahead."

Bellatrix opened the box. "MY LORD, THERE ARE BABIES INSIDE, MY LORD! HUNDREDS OF THEM, MY LORD!"

Voldemort yelled, "WHAT? BABIES? WHO'S?"

Bellatrix pulled out a note and read it, "Now they're yours, hahaha. The really ugly ones belong to Snape. Love Harry."

Voldemort fell to his knees and threw his hands up in the air. "I'LL KILL YOU POTTER!"

Author's Note:

Yeah. That was messed up. Even for me. LOL awesome. Anyway, sorry if you're offended. If you are, well, there's a reason for the username. I don't expect reviews, but if I get some, hoorah ;D