!$!$! I really shouldn't be starting anymore stories until I finish my others...but what can I say? I'm a sucker for new ideas! lol... Tell me what you think... encourage me with nice reviews and be my muse so I continue to write! hehe... here goes nothing...!$!$!
-&- Chapter One: Beginnings -&-
"Harry, get up. Harry!" he heard his best friend, Ron Weasley, yell in his ear and shove him. He blinked a few times and sat up. " Twenty minutes until your session, you better get downstairs and eat something." Ron spoke again. Harry sighed, remembering he had to start Occlumency with Snape again this year; Dumbledore's orders.
He didn't blame Dumbledore. He thought having the lessons was a good idea, considering what having Voldemort in his mind caused. He tried not to remember that and got out of his bed. He wasn't sure why he took a nap, he wasn't even tired. He knew, however, that the lessons would drain him and he needed a good rest.
"Eat something Harry, you'll need your strength." Hermione pleaded with him. He looked up at his bushy haired friend and fiddled with his fork. He wasn't hungry. He barely ever was these days; the days after Sirius' death. He took a few bites and put his fork down.
"Happy?" he said mockingly. "I suppose it'll do." Hermione said with sad eyes. Harry stood from the table and walked out of the Great Hall without saying 'goodbye' to any of his friends. He walked of the Grand Staircase to the second floor girl's bathroom.
Being around ghosts made him feel like he had a connection with the other side. He had visited Moaning Myrtle many times in the two weeks since school had begun again. She was, if possible, more depressed than him; and it made his self-esteem boost a little.
"Harry, is that you?" her ghostly sobs stopped when she heard footsteps.
"Hello Myrtle." he answered and came around the corner to meet her.
"Back again?" she asked and hovered high above her stall.
"I needed someone to talk to." he said and sat on the floor.
"What about that cat girl and your cute friend Ron?" Myrtle giggled.
"Hermione isn't a cat girl. Besides, I can't talk to them anymore, they don't understand." he sighed.
They sat discussing their sorrows for a few minutes before Harry found himself felling a little better. He said goodnight to Myrtle and made his way out of the room, down the stairs, through the entrance hall, and down some more stairs. When he reached Severus Snape's dungeon class room he took a deep breathe and opened the door.
Harry looked around the room. Snape wasn't there yet. He walked to the front of the class room and sat down. He looked around again. Something stood out from all of the jarred objects: the pensieve. Harry was tempted to dive at it. He wanted to go inside. He wanted to be able to see his father and Godfather again. He knew Snape would have more bad memories about them.
The dungeon door flew open and Professor Snape came stomping in. Harry watched as his teacher pointed a wand at his head and withdrew his silvery thoughts and memories, placing them into the pensieve. The older man then turned to Harry.
"Up." he demanded. Harry did so and walked towards his slimy professor. "Remember to clear your mind. Forget all of your emotions. You have to try." Snape commanded. Harry tried, but he knew it would never happen. No matter how hard he tried, Voldemort would always be able to get to him, because he was an emotional wreckage.
He closed his eyes, trying hard to go into a dreamless sleep-like state. He nodded his head to Snape and heard the words "Legilimens!" Harry saw Cho Chang. He saw them in the coffee house. He watched as he tried to hold her hand. The memories then skipped to the time when Cho kissed him before walking away full of tears.
This was the one thing Harry never wanted Snape, of all people, to see. His brain swirled and he fell to the floor. "As interesting as that was, Mr. Potter, I suggest that you work harder to clear your mind." Harry glared at him before standing up and attempting to swipe his mind of everything.
"Legilimens!" Snape cast again and Harry's memories popped up. This time what he remember was actually Snape's memory. He watched his father and Sirius hang Snape upside down and tease him. This time when Harry fell to the ground it was because he was nearly in tears and he wanted to pull out of the memory.
As much as he wanted to see his family, he didn't want to see such a bad side of them. He wiped his unfallen tears away and looked up. Snape was glaring at him with utmost hate. "Get up Potter!" Harry did so and tried yet again to clear his mind. "Legilimens!"
He remember when he first went to Sirius' house. When he read the note from Dumbledore. He knew right away that this memory would get him in trouble. Now he understood exactly why he needed to take these lessons. If Voldemort ever found out where The Order headquarters where, the war would be over. They would loose.
Harry blinked and looked at Snape. His fists were clenched. Harry figured that he'd better say something before Snape blew up on him. "I'm sorry, Sir. It won't happen again. I'll practice, I swear." Harry managed to say.
"You had better, boy! You may leave now, but be back here same time tomorrow!" Snape spat.
"Tomorrow?! But, Professor, I have Quidditch practice tomorrow!" Harry complained.
"Potter, you are the captain, therefore... I suggest you change your plans!" Snape barked.
"Yes Sir..." Harry tired not to loose his temper.
"Good, now leave!" Snape yelled.
Quidditch was the one real thing that cleared his mind. If only he could fly in his sleep. He needed the practice, he needed to feel better. He dragged himself back to the Gryffindor tower and sat in his favorite chair. "Harry, how'd it go?" he heard Ron ask. He forced himself to keep his eyes open.
"Not so great... listen, can you tell the team I'm going to have to reschedule practice for another time. I'm going to sleep." He forced his way upstairs and laid in his bed. He pulled the curtains around and tried to clear his mind. If anything, it did help him go to sleep faster.
The next day he skipped dinner and took a walk instead. He had never replaced his watch after the water damaged it in fourth year, so he estimated how long he had been outside. Thinking it was time to go in, he made his way to Snape's classroom. However, when he got there he found out he was twenty minutes early. He sighed and sat down.
The pensieve was tempting him again. He sat on Snape's desk mocking him. The silvery memories called to him. He figured he would have enough time. Snape would still be in dinner, after all. He walked over to it and ran his finger along the liquid. It was so smooth and enchanting, even if it did come out of Snape's head.
He pushed his arm through, follow by his head. Before he knew it he was flying through a black space and he landed back exactly where he was. For a minute he thought something had gone wrong, until he saw Snape and himself standing near him. He had an experience like this before, in third year. However, now he didn't have to hide from his other self, he couldn't be seen.
"Amusing man, your father, wasn't he?" Snape asked, shaking Harry vigorously. It was Snape's memory of pulling Harry out of the pensieve last time. Harry watched the rest of the ordeal until his other self left the room. Snape walked over to a shelve and ran his fist along all of the objects, angrily knocking them to the floor and breaking them.
He then sat at his desk with his head in his hands. It seemed like he was crying. He pulled out a book and started writing in it. Harry walked behind him and read over his shoulder.
"Harry got into my thoughts, he knows now about my past. He knows how much of a loser I am. I freaked out on him. I yelled at him and told him never to come back. I know that's the complete opposite of what I want. What do I do?!"
Harry felt himself flying through the black space again. Snape didn't want Harry to leave that night? He wanted to continue the lessons? He landed back in the classroom again. This time Snape was just getting done writing in his journal. He stood up and walked out of the room, leaving his journal open on the desk.
Harry didn't follow Snape, he stayed and read the entry.
"Journal, my question was finally answered. At tonight's lesson I saw memories of him and another student, Cho Chang. They were on a date, it seemed. Then it flashed to another memory, where they kissed. It's over. I have no chance."
Harry tired to turn the page, but he couldn't, his hand went right through the book. He realized he should leave, Snape would be in for his lesson soon. However, he then realized he had never gotten out on his own before. He didn't know how to get out.
He didn't have much time to think about it, because a hand grabbed him and he was pulled out. The hand threw him to the floor. He rolled over, rubbing his arm. Snape stared down at him, angrier than ever. "I told you never to touch that again!" he hissed. Harry hurried to his feet.
"I-I'm sorry, Sir." Harry said, not wanting to get into trouble anymore.
"What did you see?!" Snape demanded.
"N-nothing... just us... talking." Harry half lied.
"Stay! Away! From! It!" Snape screamed. "Now let's get to work!"
After the lesson Harry went back to the Gryffindor tower. Ron tired to talk to him as he walked in but Harry merely said "Tell the team we'll have practice tomorrow at noon." and walked to the dormitory. After a few hours of sleep he woke back up and grabbed his invisibility cloak and the map the twins gave him.
He snuck out of the tower and down the Grand Staircase. He made it to the dungeons and found it easy to break into Snape's classroom. He walked over to the desk and tried to open the cabinet holding the journal. It was, of course, locked. Harry pulled out his wand. "Lumos."
Could it be any easier? Snape left a ring of keys right on top of the desk. After trying five of them, Harry found the right key and opened the cabinet. He pulled out the black journal and opened it about a quarter way through.
"Journal, my dreams have continued. Last night I dreamed about us at a restaurant, feeing each other ice cream. I'm just glad it hasn't escalated to something more sexual. I don't know if I could handle that. Student-teacher relationships are forbidden... at least I think they are. It would make sense to ban it.
I want to stop having the dreams and fantasies. I want to go back to really hating him, not just pretending or forcing myself to. I have to try to get these feelings out of my head."
Harry flipped forward until the book was about a quarter way done.
"I decided last night that I can't fight this anymore. The feelings aren't only in my dreams anymore. When ever we meet my heart jumps, my mind races, and I forget how to breathe. I try not to blink anymore, in fear of missing those beautiful eyes. I think I'm in love."
He flipped to that last page that was written on. Snape had written it right after Harry left that night.
"Journal, I was almost found out. I think he read you. He went into my memories again. I saw him sitting in front of you. I hope he didn't read you... then again, would it be so bad? If he did read you, he didn't say anything about it. Perhaps he isn't mad. Then again, he could have only read something stupid, something that wouldn't have told him my feelings for him.
I'm so confused, I need to know what happened. I hoped to find it in his mind during the lessons, but he actually has been practicing, and I could barely read his thoughts. I'm giving him a break, I didn't ask him to come back until after the weekend. I need to calm down first.
Every time I see him I just want to hold him, but my mind tells me to do the opposite, so I scream and I fight him and push him... I hate myself for it! I know that I can't just suddenly become his best friend, it would shock the hell out of him. I have to continue to act like my old self... my continued self, just not the way I feel for him. Is it so wrong to love The Boy Who Lived?"
Harry's jaw dropped when he started reading the second paragraph. His eyes widened as he read the last sentence. Was this just a big joke? He closed the book and was about to put it away when he heard a voice to his left.
"What do you think your doing here, Potter?" Harry hadn't realized that his cloak had fallen off during his read. Snape was standing in a doorway on the far left side of the room. Harry supposed it led to his office or bed quarters. Harry searched for some words, but they didn't come in time.
Snape walked over to the boy and grabbed the book from him. "Out for a midnight read?" he snorted and shoved the journal back into it's cabinet.
"I-I... I didn't read anything, Professor." Harry lied.
"I highly doubt that, I saw you before you closed it." Snape said, pulling Harry out of the chair.
"I didn't see anything important." he lied again.
"Really, Potter, tell my why you are so nervous then." Snape almost laughed, raising an eyebrow.
"I-I'm not nervous." Harry defended.
"Then why are you stuttering?" Snape asked, folding his arms.
"S-Sir... can I leave?" Harry asked, backing up.
"Sure, but I expect you back here tomorrow night and the next at eight for detention, stay out of my things, Mr. Potter." Snape nearly pushed him out of the door.
Harry wondered if Snape wanted him to go to the detentions just to spend time with him. If so, was he calmed then? In the journal it said he gave Harry a break so that he could calm down. But now that he saw Harry reading it, couldn't he be less calm? Perhaps he liked the feeling he got when making Harry stutter nervously.
Harry was more confused then he had ever been in his life. He couldn't tell anyone about what he read, not even Myrtle. He walked straight to the common room and fell asleep on the sofa, not wanting to wake anyone up by going back to the dormitory.
!$!$! So... what do you think so far?! There will be more explanations of Severus' feelings to come... Please reviews...don't flame...it makes me cry...tear lol thanks for reading! !$!$!
-&- Chapter One: Beginnings -&-
"Harry, get up. Harry!" he heard his best friend, Ron Weasley, yell in his ear and shove him. He blinked a few times and sat up. " Twenty minutes until your session, you better get downstairs and eat something." Ron spoke again. Harry sighed, remembering he had to start Occlumency with Snape again this year; Dumbledore's orders.
He didn't blame Dumbledore. He thought having the lessons was a good idea, considering what having Voldemort in his mind caused. He tried not to remember that and got out of his bed. He wasn't sure why he took a nap, he wasn't even tired. He knew, however, that the lessons would drain him and he needed a good rest.
"Eat something Harry, you'll need your strength." Hermione pleaded with him. He looked up at his bushy haired friend and fiddled with his fork. He wasn't hungry. He barely ever was these days; the days after Sirius' death. He took a few bites and put his fork down.
"Happy?" he said mockingly. "I suppose it'll do." Hermione said with sad eyes. Harry stood from the table and walked out of the Great Hall without saying 'goodbye' to any of his friends. He walked of the Grand Staircase to the second floor girl's bathroom.
Being around ghosts made him feel like he had a connection with the other side. He had visited Moaning Myrtle many times in the two weeks since school had begun again. She was, if possible, more depressed than him; and it made his self-esteem boost a little.
"Harry, is that you?" her ghostly sobs stopped when she heard footsteps.
"Hello Myrtle." he answered and came around the corner to meet her.
"Back again?" she asked and hovered high above her stall.
"I needed someone to talk to." he said and sat on the floor.
"What about that cat girl and your cute friend Ron?" Myrtle giggled.
"Hermione isn't a cat girl. Besides, I can't talk to them anymore, they don't understand." he sighed.
They sat discussing their sorrows for a few minutes before Harry found himself felling a little better. He said goodnight to Myrtle and made his way out of the room, down the stairs, through the entrance hall, and down some more stairs. When he reached Severus Snape's dungeon class room he took a deep breathe and opened the door.
Harry looked around the room. Snape wasn't there yet. He walked to the front of the class room and sat down. He looked around again. Something stood out from all of the jarred objects: the pensieve. Harry was tempted to dive at it. He wanted to go inside. He wanted to be able to see his father and Godfather again. He knew Snape would have more bad memories about them.
The dungeon door flew open and Professor Snape came stomping in. Harry watched as his teacher pointed a wand at his head and withdrew his silvery thoughts and memories, placing them into the pensieve. The older man then turned to Harry.
"Up." he demanded. Harry did so and walked towards his slimy professor. "Remember to clear your mind. Forget all of your emotions. You have to try." Snape commanded. Harry tried, but he knew it would never happen. No matter how hard he tried, Voldemort would always be able to get to him, because he was an emotional wreckage.
He closed his eyes, trying hard to go into a dreamless sleep-like state. He nodded his head to Snape and heard the words "Legilimens!" Harry saw Cho Chang. He saw them in the coffee house. He watched as he tried to hold her hand. The memories then skipped to the time when Cho kissed him before walking away full of tears.
This was the one thing Harry never wanted Snape, of all people, to see. His brain swirled and he fell to the floor. "As interesting as that was, Mr. Potter, I suggest that you work harder to clear your mind." Harry glared at him before standing up and attempting to swipe his mind of everything.
"Legilimens!" Snape cast again and Harry's memories popped up. This time what he remember was actually Snape's memory. He watched his father and Sirius hang Snape upside down and tease him. This time when Harry fell to the ground it was because he was nearly in tears and he wanted to pull out of the memory.
As much as he wanted to see his family, he didn't want to see such a bad side of them. He wiped his unfallen tears away and looked up. Snape was glaring at him with utmost hate. "Get up Potter!" Harry did so and tried yet again to clear his mind. "Legilimens!"
He remember when he first went to Sirius' house. When he read the note from Dumbledore. He knew right away that this memory would get him in trouble. Now he understood exactly why he needed to take these lessons. If Voldemort ever found out where The Order headquarters where, the war would be over. They would loose.
Harry blinked and looked at Snape. His fists were clenched. Harry figured that he'd better say something before Snape blew up on him. "I'm sorry, Sir. It won't happen again. I'll practice, I swear." Harry managed to say.
"You had better, boy! You may leave now, but be back here same time tomorrow!" Snape spat.
"Tomorrow?! But, Professor, I have Quidditch practice tomorrow!" Harry complained.
"Potter, you are the captain, therefore... I suggest you change your plans!" Snape barked.
"Yes Sir..." Harry tired not to loose his temper.
"Good, now leave!" Snape yelled.
Quidditch was the one real thing that cleared his mind. If only he could fly in his sleep. He needed the practice, he needed to feel better. He dragged himself back to the Gryffindor tower and sat in his favorite chair. "Harry, how'd it go?" he heard Ron ask. He forced himself to keep his eyes open.
"Not so great... listen, can you tell the team I'm going to have to reschedule practice for another time. I'm going to sleep." He forced his way upstairs and laid in his bed. He pulled the curtains around and tried to clear his mind. If anything, it did help him go to sleep faster.
The next day he skipped dinner and took a walk instead. He had never replaced his watch after the water damaged it in fourth year, so he estimated how long he had been outside. Thinking it was time to go in, he made his way to Snape's classroom. However, when he got there he found out he was twenty minutes early. He sighed and sat down.
The pensieve was tempting him again. He sat on Snape's desk mocking him. The silvery memories called to him. He figured he would have enough time. Snape would still be in dinner, after all. He walked over to it and ran his finger along the liquid. It was so smooth and enchanting, even if it did come out of Snape's head.
He pushed his arm through, follow by his head. Before he knew it he was flying through a black space and he landed back exactly where he was. For a minute he thought something had gone wrong, until he saw Snape and himself standing near him. He had an experience like this before, in third year. However, now he didn't have to hide from his other self, he couldn't be seen.
"Amusing man, your father, wasn't he?" Snape asked, shaking Harry vigorously. It was Snape's memory of pulling Harry out of the pensieve last time. Harry watched the rest of the ordeal until his other self left the room. Snape walked over to a shelve and ran his fist along all of the objects, angrily knocking them to the floor and breaking them.
He then sat at his desk with his head in his hands. It seemed like he was crying. He pulled out a book and started writing in it. Harry walked behind him and read over his shoulder.
"Harry got into my thoughts, he knows now about my past. He knows how much of a loser I am. I freaked out on him. I yelled at him and told him never to come back. I know that's the complete opposite of what I want. What do I do?!"
Harry felt himself flying through the black space again. Snape didn't want Harry to leave that night? He wanted to continue the lessons? He landed back in the classroom again. This time Snape was just getting done writing in his journal. He stood up and walked out of the room, leaving his journal open on the desk.
Harry didn't follow Snape, he stayed and read the entry.
"Journal, my question was finally answered. At tonight's lesson I saw memories of him and another student, Cho Chang. They were on a date, it seemed. Then it flashed to another memory, where they kissed. It's over. I have no chance."
Harry tired to turn the page, but he couldn't, his hand went right through the book. He realized he should leave, Snape would be in for his lesson soon. However, he then realized he had never gotten out on his own before. He didn't know how to get out.
He didn't have much time to think about it, because a hand grabbed him and he was pulled out. The hand threw him to the floor. He rolled over, rubbing his arm. Snape stared down at him, angrier than ever. "I told you never to touch that again!" he hissed. Harry hurried to his feet.
"I-I'm sorry, Sir." Harry said, not wanting to get into trouble anymore.
"What did you see?!" Snape demanded.
"N-nothing... just us... talking." Harry half lied.
"Stay! Away! From! It!" Snape screamed. "Now let's get to work!"
After the lesson Harry went back to the Gryffindor tower. Ron tired to talk to him as he walked in but Harry merely said "Tell the team we'll have practice tomorrow at noon." and walked to the dormitory. After a few hours of sleep he woke back up and grabbed his invisibility cloak and the map the twins gave him.
He snuck out of the tower and down the Grand Staircase. He made it to the dungeons and found it easy to break into Snape's classroom. He walked over to the desk and tried to open the cabinet holding the journal. It was, of course, locked. Harry pulled out his wand. "Lumos."
Could it be any easier? Snape left a ring of keys right on top of the desk. After trying five of them, Harry found the right key and opened the cabinet. He pulled out the black journal and opened it about a quarter way through.
"Journal, my dreams have continued. Last night I dreamed about us at a restaurant, feeing each other ice cream. I'm just glad it hasn't escalated to something more sexual. I don't know if I could handle that. Student-teacher relationships are forbidden... at least I think they are. It would make sense to ban it.
I want to stop having the dreams and fantasies. I want to go back to really hating him, not just pretending or forcing myself to. I have to try to get these feelings out of my head."
Harry flipped forward until the book was about a quarter way done.
"I decided last night that I can't fight this anymore. The feelings aren't only in my dreams anymore. When ever we meet my heart jumps, my mind races, and I forget how to breathe. I try not to blink anymore, in fear of missing those beautiful eyes. I think I'm in love."
He flipped to that last page that was written on. Snape had written it right after Harry left that night.
"Journal, I was almost found out. I think he read you. He went into my memories again. I saw him sitting in front of you. I hope he didn't read you... then again, would it be so bad? If he did read you, he didn't say anything about it. Perhaps he isn't mad. Then again, he could have only read something stupid, something that wouldn't have told him my feelings for him.
I'm so confused, I need to know what happened. I hoped to find it in his mind during the lessons, but he actually has been practicing, and I could barely read his thoughts. I'm giving him a break, I didn't ask him to come back until after the weekend. I need to calm down first.
Every time I see him I just want to hold him, but my mind tells me to do the opposite, so I scream and I fight him and push him... I hate myself for it! I know that I can't just suddenly become his best friend, it would shock the hell out of him. I have to continue to act like my old self... my continued self, just not the way I feel for him. Is it so wrong to love The Boy Who Lived?"
Harry's jaw dropped when he started reading the second paragraph. His eyes widened as he read the last sentence. Was this just a big joke? He closed the book and was about to put it away when he heard a voice to his left.
"What do you think your doing here, Potter?" Harry hadn't realized that his cloak had fallen off during his read. Snape was standing in a doorway on the far left side of the room. Harry supposed it led to his office or bed quarters. Harry searched for some words, but they didn't come in time.
Snape walked over to the boy and grabbed the book from him. "Out for a midnight read?" he snorted and shoved the journal back into it's cabinet.
"I-I... I didn't read anything, Professor." Harry lied.
"I highly doubt that, I saw you before you closed it." Snape said, pulling Harry out of the chair.
"I didn't see anything important." he lied again.
"Really, Potter, tell my why you are so nervous then." Snape almost laughed, raising an eyebrow.
"I-I'm not nervous." Harry defended.
"Then why are you stuttering?" Snape asked, folding his arms.
"S-Sir... can I leave?" Harry asked, backing up.
"Sure, but I expect you back here tomorrow night and the next at eight for detention, stay out of my things, Mr. Potter." Snape nearly pushed him out of the door.
Harry wondered if Snape wanted him to go to the detentions just to spend time with him. If so, was he calmed then? In the journal it said he gave Harry a break so that he could calm down. But now that he saw Harry reading it, couldn't he be less calm? Perhaps he liked the feeling he got when making Harry stutter nervously.
Harry was more confused then he had ever been in his life. He couldn't tell anyone about what he read, not even Myrtle. He walked straight to the common room and fell asleep on the sofa, not wanting to wake anyone up by going back to the dormitory.
!$!$! So... what do you think so far?! There will be more explanations of Severus' feelings to come... Please reviews...don't flame...it makes me cry...tear lol thanks for reading! !$!$!