A/N – Hi everybody it feels like long time no post. I've been working on a few long fics but to keep me inspired I thought I would post this. Hope you all enjoy it and thanks to beetlebum101 for general amazingness and fixing my grammar. Some song inspirations for the story were 'Blue Jeans' by Lana Del Rey and 'Masquerade' by Sleeping At Last.
I let my bike roll to a stop in between Emmett's jeep and someone's yellow Porsche. I knew I was late; I knew when I left I was going to be late. Rosalie hated when I showed up late. Even in high school she was always on time or early. Some people wondered why we were friends. We were so opposite – I was always uninterested and Rose was such an over achiever. I looked unkempt at my best and she looked like a movie star. I came from a working class family while she… well, her parents were loaded.
I let the questions creep into my head as I climbed the stairs to Rosalie's parents' house. It had been several years since I had last been here. Probably senior year of high school sometime. Seems so long ago now. I opened the door and as I did I heard a girl scream. I saw she was in a coconut bikini and a grass skirt and some guy was trying to undo the straps. The music was beating bass through the floorboards and the smell of sweat and beer was already in the air.
Why were Rose and I friends? She could throw one hell of a Halloween party.
I stood at the door for a second, raking my hand through my hair and wondering where to go first. I passed through the crowd, side stepping around warm, swaying bodies and bulky costumes. I let my eyes wander, taking in some peoples costumes. You had the classics - devil, grim reaper and the like - then you had the weird ass ones. As my eyes passed a guy dressed as an iPod, I let my eyes drag up and down his costume in silent judgment.
The layout of the house was the same now as it was when I was eighteen. The kitchen was to the far side of the house and seemed to call to me as I felt in need of a drink.
"Bella, where the hell have you been?" Rosalie exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air. She was dressed as a nurse. I wanted to say slutty nurse but I wasn't sure how without being offensive. Her top was far too tight and she wore a skirt that showed off her long legs.
"Sorry, traffic," I mumbled, grabbing a beer from the fridge.
"Why aren't you wearing a costume?" Rose asked, her eyes slightly glazed and I could tell she was not on her first drink.
"What do you mean?" I looked at my costume, feeling a point of pride.
"Blue jeans, a white shirt and a red jacket. How's that different from what you wear any other day?" Rosalie tilted her head, quizzically.
"I'm James Dean," I smiled, sipping at my beer.
"No, you're cheap and unimaginative," Rose shot back.
"Don't forget lazy," I added with a smirk.
We fell into a quiet laughter. It had always been like this with Rose. She liked to give me a hard time and I gave as good as I got. Rosalie didn't scare me like she did other girls. I found it kind of attractive in a way, but I would never cross that line. Ever. Her friendship was too important to me. She is like my sister.
"Bells!" I turned to the sound of my name being yelled across the kitchen counter.
"Emmett!" I yelled back.
Emmett pulled me into a bear hug, cutting off my oxygen for a few seconds before finally letting me go. Emmett was dressed in scrubs and it instantly reminded me of his dad.
"Does Carlisle know you stole his scrubs?"
Emmett's face fell and he pouted like a child. "Yeah, he wouldn't let me have the lab coat so he gave me these."
Emmett moved to the counter, pouring himself a shot of whiskey.
"Hitting the strong stuff?"
"I need something to clean the thoughts from my brain. I just saw my little brother and his boyfriend making out."
"Eddie has a boyfriend?" I questioned, surprised, before letting it go. "So, what's wrong with two guys kissing?"
"It's not the gay thing, Bells; you know I'm cool with that." He looked at me pleadingly. "It's just my brother. I'd be the same if I saw you kiss someone. You're like my sister, Bells."
"Emmett, the last time you saw me kiss a girl you hooted."
Emmett paused, recalling the memory. "Sorry, I don't get to decide what's hot and not."
Emmett pulled Rosalie into his side, giving her a sloppy kiss as I turned my head. As I did a sweep of the kitchen, I instantly recognized two girls from SU and moved back to face Rosalie, turning up the collar of my jacket slightly in a vain attempt to hide my face.
"Why did you invite so many of my ex's?" I whispered, but it came out rushed.
Rosalie looked over my shoulder then back to me, her mouth screwing up slightly. "I didn't, you just slept with all my friends."
Ohh, my thoughts seemed to speak. I shrugged my shoulders, leaning against the counter, silently hoping they wouldn't try to speak to me. There was no need for awkward hellos.
Jessica caught my eye and smiled, beginning to push past random bodies. I hadn't talked to Jessica in over a year but I still remember how clingy she was and I was not in the mood to have her leech onto me all night. I took a swig of beer and moved quickly back through the living room, brushing past warm bodies, looking for the familiar door. I got into the study and closed the door quickly behind me. If I hadn't spent so much time here in high school I would never have known the study also has a sliding door into the back yard. I slid the door open, letting the cool night air hit me as I sat on the concrete. Setting the beer by my side, I searched in my pockets for a cigarette. I lit it quickly and let the smoke fill my lungs. Relaxing my shoulders, I blew out the smoke into the night, watching it dance until it disappeared.
"Haven't you heard smoking's bad for you?" A feminine voice chastised, lightly. The voice rang a bell but I couldn't quite place it.
A girl dressed in a black cat suit stepped out of the study, her high heels clicking beside me on the concrete as I let my gaze run up the length of toned legs. I stayed quiet and took another drag. She walked down the two steps onto the grass. Her face was half covered with a pointed, black mask that just covered around her eyes and her hair – matching in black – stuck up at angles, giving the idea of ears. I took another inhale of smoke, wracking my brain and trying to think of who she was. I knew that I knew her, I just didn't know how.
"Does that quiet stare usually work for you? You think if you don't say anything, people won't get to know you and see how utterly afraid you really are?"
I took in her words, crushing the cigarette under my foot. My jaw tensed and I was suddenly overcome with anger. Who did she think she was? Maybe I was really angry because she was right.
She continued to speak. "You know, what people pretend to be tells a lot about them, even subconsciously."
I chuckled under my breath. "So, what, you like, eat mice and sleep on people's faces?" I replied.
"Ah, she speaks with the armor of a sarcastic remark," she gasped.
"Don't psychoanalyze me!" I spat, shaking my head, no. I thought about getting up and leaving, going back to find Rose and maybe some half-drunk girl to have fun with, but for reasons unknown, I stayed. "Who are you? Are you from Forks? Do I know you? Were we in high school together?"
"Yep, and you're the same now as you were then; still trying to play the rebel. Whatever happened to those two guys that used to fight over you?"
"It got old." I sighed, the temptation for another cigarette looming.
She sighed herself, stalking back and forth. "So, why did you leave all those years ago? And why are you back now?"
I took in her questions but didn't answer. "Who are you?" I asked, tilting my head to the side, trying to look at her from a different angle. "Are you one of Rose's friends? Did I make out with you?" I hope I didn't drunkenly sleep with her. That was very unlikely to have happened to anyone I knew in forks and I would hate to think I forgot someone as sexy as her.
"Answer my questions and maybe I'll tell you," she winked, taking a swig of the beer I only just noticed she had. "So, tell me. You were all set to go to SU with Rose then you vanished."
How did she know so much about my life? I thought, bitterly.But then I remembered this is Forks and everybody knew everything about everybody.
"Maybe you should take the mask off?" I offered.
"Maybe you should take your mask off."
"I'm not wearing a mask," I stated, confused.
"Exactly; one of only a few to turn up to a costume party on Halloween without a mask. Maybe because you don't need one night of being someone else – you always have that security." She danced her fingers over her lip as she continued to pontificate my life.
"Haven't you ever wanted to just disappear?" I sighed, fed up with her assumptions.
"No," she said firmly. "Now, don't flip the question onto me," she smirked. "Hope you are enjoying all this free therapy."
"Sorry, do you usually charge by the hour?" I quipped back.
"Not for this," she winked, taking another drink.
I became stunned for a second; outdone with no comeback. I stayed quiet, lighting another cigarette and letting it dangle from my lips before taking a long inhale. Why the fuck shouldn't I tell her? It was four years ago.
"I left because I broke the rule," I put simply.
"You broke a rule," she repeated. "You, the girl dressed as a rebel, ran away because of a little rule?"
I sighed, resting the cigarette in my hand. "It wasn't a rule, it was the rule," I punctuated. "I fell for the one person I couldn't fall for and I got scared and I ran, okay? It's the oldest story in the book." I stared at the concrete, not looking into the Cat Girl's face.
"What happened?" The girl whispered, softly.
I sniffed, taking another drag. This is why I never came back here. It brought back all this stupid shit.
"Rosalie is my best friend. Hell, she is my only damn friend. I met Rosalie when we were, like, thirteen." I looked up to Cat Girl and she just stared at me silently, her blue eyes giving away nothing. It nagged at me again that I knew who she was and I wanted to just rip that mask off and know. "The first thing Rose ever said to me was: 'I have two rules, Swan. If you want to be my friend, don't ask me to buy you shit and don't mess with my sister.'"
"So, you fell for her sister?" The girl spoke, barley above a whisper, and I flicked the ash onto the ground, rubbing it in with my shoe. Sometimes I wished my troubles were as easy to snuff out.
"No, I asked her to buy me a boat." The sarcastic remark came automatically; the truth came much more quietly. "Yeah, I fell for Alice. I kissed her and it was a mistake."
Cat Girl screwed up her mouth, obviously realizing what an asshole I really was. I had thought about this so much and I thought over the word, 'mistake.' "Maybe not a mistake, but I knew it would change my life and… and I wasn't ready." I had thought about Alice a lot; her long dark hair with hints of blond running through it. I never even said goodbye to her after that night we kissed. She probably didn't even remember me anyway. "Alice got me like no one else and that frightened the shit out of me 'cause when I realized I loved her, I gave her the power to hurt me."
"So, what, you ran away and now you go from girl to girl because you never want someone to see the real you?" Her voice got high as she spoke, quickly and dismissively.
"I tried, okay? I tried to have real relationships. One even lasted a few months." I sighed, needing another drink.
"But you couldn't connect to them because you still feel connected to this person? And because you never got the chance to see what would happen and you never gained any closure so now it just hangs over you anytime you try to love someone else?" She spoke in a ramble, articulating perfectly the thing I could only think about.
"Yes… I need a drink."
She paused for a minute, swinging her empty beer bottle to see the last droplets fall to the bottom.
"Follow me; I know where she keeps the good stuff."
I followed Cat Girl further into the garden to a gazebo. It was a pale, wooden structure and it had maybe eight sides. It was too dark to see into any of the windows.
We both stepped inside, out of the wind chill. She shook visibly, the tight fabric of her cat suit obviously not much of a fighter for the cold. She turned her back to me and I noticed her grab some expensive looking bottle and two glasses. As she poured the liquid, I shrugged off my jacket. I stepped behind her, laying the warm fabric over her shoulders and running my hands down her arms.
"T-Thanks," she stuttered slightly.
I ran my hands over the outside of her arms again, the friction heating my palms. Moonlight lit the floor in small squares and the only sound was our heavy breaths. I leaned into her ear speaking softly, "You know, I can be anybody you want me to be." I let my hands fall as she turned into me. Her blue irises darkened and she looked at me without any show of emotion, but it was so hard to read with that damn mask on her face. The silence weighed as she continued to stare without words.
She took a half step, closing the gap between us and shoved the glass into my hand as she bent in towards my ear, whispering as I had done.
"What if I just want you to be you?"
My whole body tensed at the proximity and as she leaned back, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I relaxed, thinking that this girl here knew more about me than almost anyone and I still didn't know her name. It was equally frightening as it was intriguing.
I took a seat at the small table. It was wooden and obviously something meant for summer garden parties, or something like that. I raised the glass to my lips and as I took a sip, I noticed it was whiskey.
"How did you know I like whiskey?"
"Good guess." She laughed, taking the seat next to me, the tips of our knees touching ever so slightly.
I let the liquid burn the back of my throat as the silence became heavy again, but not uncomfortable.
"So, she was the one that got away?" Cat Girl spoke, looking up at me through her lashes, her breathy voice hinting interest.
"I never really had her to begin with," I sighed. "She's better off without me, anyway," I waved off. "I'm a coward for running away in the first place."
"What do you think happened to her?"
I closed my eyes for a second, remembering all the good times; the memories I had thought about over and over again anytime I felt hints of loneliness, which I reluctantly admitted to myself was rather frequent. Then I tried to imagine her now and all I could remember was her smile. She had a great smile. I opened my eyes and looked down again, resting my arms on my legs, hunched over, glass in hand. "I don't know. I just hope wherever she is that she is happy." I closed my eyes again, making it like a wish or a prayer.
That's when I felt a hand pull on my jaw and lips crash into mine. I opened my eyes for a second before just letting them close, going with the pace and pushing back slightly, wrapping my hand around her neck. Her lips were so soft; I caught her bottom lip between my teeth for a second as she moaned, her hand still on my face, pulling me into the kiss.
That was when my world came crashing down around me. The door swung open and there stood Rosalie, her mouth agape.
"Alice!" She managed to gasp and yell, all at the same time.
I turned from Rosalie to the girl, doing a double take. I reached forward, taking off the girl's mask. "Alice…" I breathed out, my mind barley hanging on to what was happening. I looked between them again.
Rose just stared at me, her mouth turning into a tight line and then a frown. It cut straight through me. She said nothing before she stormed off.
"Rose!" I yelled after her.
I moved to the door, about to run after her, when Alice appeared by my side and grabbed my hand. I took it as a silent ultimatum: to stay with her or leave and go after my friend.
I left.
"Rose!" I yelled, running and grabbing her shoulder just before she got back into the house. You could hear the bass of the music thump, matching my racing heart.
She jerked away, violently. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know–"
She cut me off. "No, Bella, no more of your crap. I put up with you sleeping with my friends and having to be there when you left and broke their hearts, and hug them when they cried. But you will not do that to my little sister!"
She pushed me away and I staggered back. "I'm sorry," I repeated. She didn't understand. I had to make her understand. "I love her."
Rosalie stopped in her tracks. "What?"
"I love her." The truth was overly simple and did nothing to quell her rage.
"Well, why didn't you just say that? Here's her heart in a box to make the crushing easier." She held out her empty hand. "Don't pretend, Bella. You aren't capable of love. Everything you touch turns to crap."
I was stunned; I felt the truth of her words but couldn't believe she was the one saying them. After all we had been through. All our family crap that we got through together, growing up together... I knew I was capable of love because it felt like I had just been stabbed in the heart. She slammed the sliding glass door, disappearing as I stood clad in only jeans and a t-shirt, but the coldness couldn't penetrate my skin. I was always so worried Alice would hurt me; I never thought about Rose.
She's just mad. She's just mad, my thoughts sang, over and over. She would relax and be over it in a few days. It was only a kiss and I didn't even know it was Alice.
Alice! My thoughts pricked. I left her again. I walked up to the door, hitting my head off the glass. Stupid! Stupid! I felt myself being torn in two, like an internal tug of war. I told Rose I loved her… I love Alice.
The overwhelming feelings forced me to close my eyes as tears formed. I wiped them away quickly, sniffling like a child. I heard the sound of footsteps on wet grass moving towards me. I kept my back turned; I couldn't let her see me cry.
"Why! Why is it always her?" She yelled. "Why do you always choose her? Why does everyone always choose her?" Alice ranted on. "I love you, Bella, but I see now I'm loving a ghost. A fiction of a person I created. I've wasted too much time loving you."
I let my head knock off the glass with a dull thump, over and over again. She was right. I was a waste of time.
"Look at me, at least!" Her voice surrounded me, invading my mind.
I turned, wiping at my already red eyes harshly with the pad of my thumb, in a vain attempt to look as though I hadn't cried. I took in her unmasked face: her eyes were dark with make-up, but her face was still the same as I remembered it. HHHHHHFHfgrtghrthhhhhbkjdfhbiierghiegeiger hair was so different, though, I couldn't believe it. Maybe that's why I didn't think it was her. But she still looked beautiful. The girl I left had turned into a fierce woman and I was still a cowering child.
"What do you want from me, Alice? I'm sorry, okay? is that what you wanted to hear? I'm sorry I left because I was a coward, and big surprise! I still am." I laughed manically at this whole fucked up situation.
She took a few steps closer, her face softening. "You aren't a coward. You are just a run of the mill idiot," she sighed, and I had to agree.
"Why didn't you just tell me it was you?"
"I was going to; when I saw you I was going to give you a piece of my mind. But when I realized you didn't recognize me…" she sighed again. "I just let it get out of control."
I took a seat on the step where we began, letting my hands comb through my hair. "I'm so sorry, Alice. I don't know how I could have messed things up more. I should have just come to you and told you how I felt. I should have told Rose how I felt. I shouldn't have left… I…"
She took a seat beside me, knocking my shoulder. "That's why they are called regrets, dummy."
I looked into her piercing blue eyes, getting lost like I had a hundred times before. I always felt like she knew all the secrets of the world and if I looked long enough, I could find them too. "I never regretted you Alice. It's the one real thing I've ever felt. If I could go back, I would just change how I handled it."
"You can't change who you were, Bells, you can only change what you do now."
I nodded, giving a small smile. "Okay, then how do I do that? How can I get a second chance? Where would we even start?" I threw up my hands.
Alice stood and turned to face me with the fabric of my jacket bunched at the wrists, as she clawed at the pocket, taking out something black. She shook the hair back out of her face and gazed up as she placed the mask delicately over her eyes.
"That's easy. We start where any good story starts – at the beginning." With that, she extended her hand to me. I encased it in mine, shaking it lightly as our cold skin pressed together. "I'm Alice Cullen, it's nice to finally meet you."
A/N Thanks for reading:] and remember reviews are fuel for new stories:]