The breeze is nice today. It compensates for the fog of this morning that brings a peculiar silence to the world. The heavy, overpowering kind of silence, not symbolizing peace or happiness. The remnants of yesterday's rain lingers in the grass and on the spring-warmed streets.
Heat and the faint smell of asphalt waft up from below my feet.
The buzzing of the New York streets rings in my ears as the flow of traffic speeds along behind me. Finally I can return home, not that it's substantially better than the alternative. School can be enjoyable, I suppose. I do get some amusement out of observing the lab rats, though I grow tired of it's troublesome upkeeping at times. The subjects are quite volatile, after all. Such a profession like mine requires a certain knack. It took me a while to get the hang of it, so don't feel bad if you don't understand.
Silence is a good friend of mine, so I'm grateful for my house's seclusion. Isolation is something I've grown accustomed to. Quiet; A bittersweet sanctuary.
I step onto the winding path through the dense forest. Thick vegetation invades the path but is easy to move aside. It's natural for me by now. I get lost in thought while striding along the roads of both reality and my own mind.
After a light drizzle begins to fall from the cloudy sky, I reach the door to my house. I look up and am glad to see that the observatory window is closed. I'd left my books and such in there.
Stepping inside and closing the door begind me, I drop my bag in the corner and listen for my mother. No sign of her.
I rush up to one of my only places I can find some peace of mind; the observatory. Inside, I kneel down and slide off the purple knitted cover on my laptop. I check my email and find a new message, a notification for my fanfiction account. A hint of a smile plays at my lips as I close the browser and check Pesterchum.
No new messages.
The remaining traces of the smile have long faded by the time I get reading a new fanfiction. I have bookmarked many from searching for certain tags. What tags? It all depends on my mood, really. A lot of the time "Self-Harm" is a nice go to.
Online is my only real home. My only enjoyment originates on the web. I'm lying to myself when I think to myself how interesting the lab rats are. The people. The humans who are people.
I am a human, but not a person. Just thinking of everything I've done and constanrly do, wrong or not, makes me more disgusted than when I think of how grotsque people are. Humans are bad. People are grotesque. I am the worst of all.
People are not animals. Animals have things they don't, such as community. People destroy everything and they don't even help eachother. I see it every day. I try my best even though I know it is fruitless. I can't help it. I have to help others. No one can feel like I do.
I mess up constantly but I have to keep trying and keep going because there is nothing else for an outsider like me to do. I'm so very pathetic, the worst really. Desperately clawing for a space to exist in the universe that I don't have a right to. Every day I mettle with things I have no business with because I am here. I don't belong and I shouldn't be here, but I am.
It won't help, I'm aware, but it helps me. I know it's selfish but I do it anyway. Cut myself. As long as no one knows, there's no actual harm. I don't thibk of it as harming or hurting myself because there is no real damage and I deserve it. I've been rejected for good reason and continue on. I'm horrible. Horrible in every way.