I just got all caught up on the anime! OMG I'm in awe! I'm loving this ANBU Kakashi arc sooooo much!
Here's a little diddy that just kind of happened.
CAUTION: SPOILERS! This short piece contains spoilers about Rin's death. If you don't know about that, maybe come back once you've seen that part.
This is based on the part in the Shippuden anime episode 351 where Kakashi walks past the group hanging out in the dango shop, and Gai decides to be tricky and sneak up on him. PTSD is not something to play with.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything here. Also, I am not an expert on PTSD, nor have I personally experienced it or been close friends with anyone who has. My heart goes out to those who have or currently are.
Kunai
Kakashi clenched the handle of the kunai in his hand. The coarse canvas of the wrap around the cold steel handle bit into his skin, and he squeezed it tighter still.
He'd almost killed Gai today. Almost plunged the tip of this very kunai directly into his trachea. Almost added his most loyal (still-living) friend's blood to Rin's blood already on his hands. It had been a split second from happening. If Gai hadn't spoken up…
He sat on his bed with his legs splayed out in front of him, the same position he'd collapsed into an hour ago upon arriving home. He hadn't even bothered to pull his legs underneath him in his normal cross-legged posture; the only movement he'd made was to retrieve the kunai from his thigh holster so that he could stare at it. He'd searched it for any differences from any other steel weapon he possessed, or had ever seen, that would draw it to Gai's throat so quickly.
He'd found nothing. No difference. The edge was smooth and fine; the tip was honed to a needle's point; the flat, angular sides of the blade glowed with a polished reflection of the fading daylight streaming in his window. The wrap was worn, fraying a bit around its edges, but still secure. It was a standard issue kunai.
Which meant it must be him. Kakashi must be the one with the instinct to slaughter first and ask questions later.
He finally allowed himself to fall backwards so that he was lying on his back on top of his bedspread. His familiar bedspread that he'd come home to every night after training with Obito and Rin; after every single one of Gai's ridiculous "rival" matches; after every "kill or be killed" mission. So far he hadn't ended up dead, which meant he must be pretty good at the killing part.
He raised the weapon to look at it once more, then moved the tip to his own throat. What had he almost done? What had Gai actually experienced at the tip of Kakashi's knife blade today?
He drew the blade slowly, with a hand so steady it terrified him, to hover with the tip a fraction of a centimeter from his own trachea. He didn't have to look to know when it would touch the fabric of his mask, when it would slip through the fabric, when it would touch his own skin. He applied as much pressure to his own throat as he had used on Gai earlier.
It barely stopped short of drawing blood. If he swallowed too hard, he'd pierce his own throat.
He closed his eyes, not moving a muscle. For several minutes, he held the pressure on the kunai, fighting his body's natural urge to swallow.
Why does he keep trying to be my friend? Why do any of them still try to be my friend?
How many times had he almost killed Gai before? In training? In a rival match?
Surely there have been times that something could have gone wrong; horrible accidents are always just one wrong move away when you're training or sparring with big jutsus and high level taijutsu and real weapons. But I've never…I've never grabbed him with the intention of actually killing him before.
Before today.
Kakashi flung the kunai at his dripping sink and heard it clatter into the basin, having hit the sink wall with the flat of the blade rather than burying the tip in the metal. Had he done that consciously? Obviously he'd meant to do it, because he never threw anything that didn't hit its mark anymore, even with his eyes closed.
The only exception was Chidori, when he still occasionally stalled out because Rin's dying face flashed through his mind. But he hadn't used a weapon on her.
But he hadn't consciously decided to spare the sink from harm. Why couldn't his body have reacted that way with Rin? with Gai? instead of defaulting to the "kill or be killed" instinct?
He let his throwing arm flop down beside his head, then rolled onto his side and curled himself into a ball. He'd have to practice going for the sword more… if he used his katana, instead of these damn kunai, Gai or whoever else attacked him would have an extra fourth of a second to block, or to shout, or to react in whatever way they wanted to before he pinned them. Before he could kill them.
He squeezed his eyes shut and yanked his arm guards off his forearms, then threw them blindly across the room. They slapped the wall and fell to the ground, and then his chest plate joined them with equal force. Once he had shed his body armor, he curled himself back into a ball—tighter this time.
What do you think? I'm turning over ideas in my head for a couple other little "inside-the-mind" things from this arc of the anime, and I'm up for requests if anyone has any moments they'd like to see explored. I'm also still working on Nature of Interrogation and other one-shot drabbles. Apparently I have no life.
But I love reviews! I love them so much. Please let me know if you liked this. :)