Author's Note: This is a one shot with Hercules and Iolaus. It's meant to make you fall out of your chair laughing and it contains an enemy more dangerous than anything Hercules and Iolaus has ever dealt with before.
Warning: The warning is placed here for vinsmouse, who wanted a spew warning here, claiming it might be a bad idea to drink while reading the funnier parts. So please keep in mind that drinking any kind of beverage while reading this, might be hazzard'ous to the health of your screen.
Disclaimer: I do not own Hercules the Legendary Journey, I make no money and boy does that make it hard to keep the computer with power… No permanent harm will ever come to Iolaus but a bit of Alcmene's attention and a big bowl of chicken soup might not be amiss at the end of some stories…
The Boots of Bureaucracy
"Okay, so how do you want to do this?" Iolaus asked as she gripped his sword tighter.
"It's a monster Iolaus, we do what we always do," Hercules mused. '
"Yeah, but how do we do it?" he wanted to know. "It's gonna be hard to get close." The monster had a long neck, and a mouth full of sharp and nasty looking teeth.
"Think you can distract it?" Hercules decided. It was a tactic they had used plenty of times before, and it usually worked pretty well.
"Yeah, I guess so," Iolaus nodded. Swallowing he collected himself and threw Hercules a confident grin. Picking up a rock from the ground he hefted it for a moment to get the feel of it, then threw it as hard as he could. He hit the monster right between the eyes, a good solid hit.
"Uh, I got his attention," he decided as the monster turned his full attention to him. He ran to the side to give Hercules a good angle for attack. Hercules made a grab for the monster but it dodged him. Iolaus glanced over his shoulder, saw what had happened and turned around to bring the monster around for the next try. They were used to working that way, and he really didn't think anything of it as he darted back and forth across the open area.
He had to glance over his shoulder at times though, to see how Hercules was doing and at the moment it didn't look all that good.
"Keep going, bring him back this way!" Hercules cried.
"One giant monster coming right up," Iolaus grinned, spinning around on his heel before darting back towards Hercules. Glancing over his shoulder again he failed to notice a loose rock on the ground. His booted foot came down on it, and it rolled out from under him, causing his ankle to turn painfully as he crashed to the ground.
The monster was over him in an instant. He rolled over onto his back, his hand frantically searching for the sword he had been carrying while he kicked out at the monster to keep it away from himself. If he could keep from being eaten Hercules would still have a chance while it was distracted by him.
His kicks weren't doing much good though, they certainly weren't discouraging the monster from trying to eat him. Razor-sharp but thankfully short teeth dug into his boots, cutting through to the skin. Claws raked out towards his face but he managed to throw up his arm and block them with his vambraces. Saving himself an uncomfortably close shave.
He saw Hercules out of the corner of his eye and kicked the monster right in the jaw, and in the next instant the thing was trying to bite through his boots again, and it was getting more and more uncomfortable by the second.
"Hold still buddy," Hercules urged.
"Just do something," Iolaus cried. "Now!" If this was allowed to go on another minute that thing would have eaten his boots and be halfway through his feet. "Herc!"
Hercules picked up the sword Iolaus had dropped, circled around and severed the head from the body with one swift stroke.
The body fell back, thrashing around on the ground while the heart still pumped a few more beats before it crashed down onto the ground.
The head in much the same manner locked its jaws around his ankle in a powerful spasm that caused him to cry out. The teeth had gone through both his pants and boot leather and it felt as if the jaw was just clenching down harder and harder.
"Need a hand?" Hercules asked with a grin.
"No!" he stated with mock defiance, half glaring at him as he kicked the head in the jaw with his free foot.
"No problem," Hercules grabbed the lower and upper jaw and easily forced them open so that Iolaus could pull free.
"You're a mess buddy," Hercules grinned.
"Don't I know it," he sighed as he took in what was left of his boots. A mess of torn and chewed leather. Not fit to wear anymore, impossible to mend. Small pieces of his boots were scattered all over the ground around him, and as he raised his foot into the air to examine it closer a part of sole fell off.
"Buddy, I think you need new boots," Hercules grinned. He knelt to examine one of the boots, the creature had bit through them enough that Iolaus' feet and ankles were streaked with red here and there, but he wasn't bleeding badly. Still, he poked his finger through one of the larger holes in the sole and Iolaus jerked his foot back.
"Stop that," he complained, "tickles," he added quietly.
"Sorry buddy," Hercules chuckled as he helped him to his feet. "Come one, we'd better get back to the town, let them know their safe."
"Yeah," Iolaus took a couple of slow steps, leaving scraps of boots behind him.
"Not sure that's going to work buddy," Hercules chuckled. "Doesn't look very comfortable."
"It's not, it's disgusting," Iolaus sat down on a rock and tugged what remained of the boots off. They were wet and slimy from being chewed too. The pants had a few tears in them, but that could be mended. The boots however, were beyond hope and with a sigh he pulled them off.
"You gonna walk barefoot?" Hercules asked.
"I'll be walking barefoot even if I keep them on," he pointed out. "Just look at this." He thrust his hand into the boot, and showed how he could pass it through the leather in several places.
"You know what, I think you're right," Hercules mused. It was possible the boots could be used for a fishing net, but he doubted it. The holes were too big, the fish would slip through.
With an annoyed sigh Iolaus thrust the boots into his pack, glared down at his bare feet and then started walking. They paused at a creek not far away and he washed the blood from his feet. It would take them awhile to walk back to the village and he really wasn't looking forward to it. A couple of miles through rough terrain barefoot was not his idea of fun.
"Come on, the sooner we start walking, the sooner we get there," Hercules urged, clasping his shoulder and pulling him to his feet.
"Whatever you say buddy," he sighed a he followed.
The walk back was no fun at all, he had to stop several times to try and draw out a splinter or a thorn, then there were the endless amount of sharp stones. Hercules smiled softly to himself when he watched the blond once more take a step only to make a sharp exclamation of pain before he hopped on one foot. He did however feel sympathetic about his plight, and had there been something he could do to help him he would. He would even have considered giving up his own boots for a spell but they wouldn't fit Iolaus. Walking in too big boots wasn't going to be much better for him.
"We'll be there soon," he soothed.
"I sure hope so, I'm getting blisters," Iolaus complained. "No, scratch that, my blisters are getting blisters…"
"It really won't be much further now," Hercules soothed again with something of a smile.
By the time they walked into town he was limping slightly and only wanted to sit down somewhere and put his feet up.
He sank down on a bench and allowed Hercules to go over to the magistrate to inform them that the beast was dead. He couldn't care less about credits at the moment.
Hercules was gone for maybe half an hour, then came back and sat down beside him. "I've got some good news for you buddy," he grinned.
"What's that?" Iolaus wanted to know. He found it hard to feel very enthusiastic at the moment.
"Well, you need new boots, don't you?" Hercules grinned.
"I do, but I don't know how to get them," he muttered. "We barely have enough dinars between us for a meal, no one is gonna sell a pair of boots to me for it, not even a pair of sandals…."
"It won't be a problem, you'll get the boots, for free," Hercules grinned. "Look, the magistrate said that since we saved the town, the least they can do is to get you a new pair." Normally he would have insisted that it wasn't necessary, but Iolaus was right. They didn't have enough money to buy a pair, and Iolaus couldn't continue to go barefoot.
"That would be great, remind me to thank him," he mused as he climbed back to his feet with a wince. "So, where do we go?"
"The town hall, we're just gonna get a form of some kind there, and then we take it to the cobbler and he'll get you the boots," he grinned.
"Alright, sounds simple enough," Iolaus nodded as he followed his friend. He carefully tried to avoid stepping on any of the stones in the dirt street, relieved that it would all soon be over and he'd have the new boots.
The town hall was a large building, but then in a town of that size it would be Hercules decided. It was built in stone and unusually high, looming over them as they approached it.
They entered into a large hallway and looked around until they spotted a desk heaped with so many scrolls and pieces of parchment they could barely see the old man who sat behind it.
Hercules was tall enough to see him over the pile but Iolaus had to stand on tiptoe to catch a glimpse of him, and he didn't appreciate that at all.
"Uh, hi," Hercules started and the old man looked up.
"What do you want?" he demanded in a gruff tone. He spoke loudly as if he was going deaf.
"Eh, the magistrate said we should go here to get a form to requisition a new pair of boots. Form R-B two-forty two, I think he said it was," Hercules decided. "Can we get that here?"
"The soot is in the chimney," the old man told them. "I don't know why you bother me for that. If you're here to sweep the chimney you can just go right ahead and do it."
"We're not here to sweep the chimney, we want form R-B two-forty two," Iolaus told him speaking loud and clearly.
"Eh," the old man frowned, looking around for a man that he couldn't see.
"Form R-B two-forty two," Hercules repeated, shaping the words carefully so that the man would be able to read his lips if he did not hear his words.
"You want the form R-B two-forty two?" the old man asked, blinking.
"Yes," Hercules nodded. "Please."
"What would you want it for?" he frowned confused.
"We need to get a new pair of boots," he explained patiently.
"I already told you there is no soot here now, and you can't get any with form R-B two-forty two anyway," he rasped. "If you want soot you need to fill out form R-S three-thirty three."
Iolaus only stared, why would anyone have a form to get soot?
"We don't want soot, we want boots, 'boots'," Hercules repeated carefully.
"Ah, boots, then why-ever have you been ranting about soot," the man shook his head. "You need to fill out form R-B two-forty two. Go to level six, section Gamma, first corridor on the left, last door on the right. Apply at window one."
"Level six, section Gamma, first corridor on the left and last door on the right, window one," Hercules nodded as he confirmed. "Thank you, we appreciate the help."
"Level six," Iolaus sighed as they started climbing the stairs. "Why couldn't they put it down on the first floor, it would have made more sense wouldn't it?"
"Never mind," his friend shook his head. "Won't be long now before you have a new pair of boots." He gripped his shoulder as they climbed the stairs, very steep stairs, until they reached level six. Finding section Gamma wasn't so hard, each floor was divided into three sections, Alpha on the left, Beta on the right and Gamma in the middle between the two.
"Here it is," Hercules pushed the door open, chose the first corridor on the left and frowned as he entered.
"There are no doors on the right side," Iolaus pointed out. "Not a last one, not even a first one, not a single door."
"Well, we'll try the last door," Hercules decided. The man had after all been old, he could easily have forgotten which side the doors were on. He pushed open the last door and looked into a room where a man sat scribbling on a piece of parchment with intense attention, only to wad it up and throw it through a wire hoop to land in a pile of similar balls of parchment.
"What do you want?" he damned. "Can't you see I'm busy?"
"Eh, I'm sorry but we're looking for window one," Hercules told him. "It's supposed to be in this corridor."
"Well, it's not, this is the architectures office," he snapped.
"Could you tell us where we can find window one?" Hercules asked politely.
"Consult the floor plan," he told them.
"Consult the floor plan, yeah, sure," Hercules nodded. "Eh, where can we find the floor plan?"
"Level zero," he sighed. "Now get out of here so I can get some work done."
"We will, thank you," Hercules said politely as he closed the door.
"Nice guy," Iolaus muttered as they headed back down the stairs. "And now we have to go all the way down again, to level zero, what is level zero anyway?"
"We came in on level one, so it has to be down one level from there," Hercules mused. "And it won't be much longer now."
Going down was easier than going up, but cold hard stone steps are not comfortable when you have no boots and by the time they reached level zero Iolaus felt as if all the flesh on the soles of his feet had been shredded away and he walked on the bare bones. Going up had been tiresome, going down more painful. While Hercules studied the floor plan in the light of a flickering torch he took a moment and raised first one foot, flexing it, and then other.
"Well?" he asked. To him the floor plan looked much like the first work of art his son, Aelus had ever presented him with. Drawn with charcoal on the wall of his barn. He had found that to be a good way to keep the boy amused while he worked. It had been all jumbled lines and it hadn't really looked like nothing at all but the child had been so proud and he had praised him for it. Now he felt as if he was looking at it again.
"Let's see, here on level four there is something," Hercules decided. "I'm pretty sure it's window one. Level four, section Beta, right hand corridor."
"Great, more stairs," he sighed though he followed. They climbed the stairs again and he felt his calves smarting painfully as they protested the constant upwards motion.
They found window one, and a young woman who was pretty enough Iolaus decided. He strolled up to the window and leaned against it with a wide grin on his face. There was another window just like it beside it, but the woman in it was old and not half as pretty so he considered himself lucky.
"Hi," he grinned.
"One moment, I'm busy," she declared as she turned to her neighbor. "Do tell me all about it," she urged, and the older woman launched into a lengthy explanation of something he had no idea what it was.
"Excuse me, I really only need a moment," he smiled, using all his charm.
"I've already told you, I'm busy," she snapped. "What do you mean stalking in here like this? Didn't your mother teach you any manners at all? What do you want anyway?"
"Form R-B two-forty two," he told her politely.
"Alright, alright," she reached for something under the window. "Give me the pink parchment then."
"Eh, what pink parchment?" he frowned confused, looking at Hercules.
"We was never told about the pink parchment," Hercules put in.
"Then how do you expect me to give you Form R-B two-forty two?" she demanded. "You need the pink parchment to get it. Really, bothering me like this, what is the world coming to."
"We're terribly sorry," Hercules decided. "Eh, could we have the pink parchment."
"You'll have to go to the Requisition-Form Requisitions office," she stated firmly. "Consult the floor plan."
"Couldn't you just tell us?" Hercules asked hopefully. "It's a long walk down to the floor plan."
"I am not the information desk, that's on the second level, section Alpha, corridor on the left," she told them. "Now, unless there is something you want, consult the floor plan."
"Yes, ma'am," Hercules nodded, pulling Iolaus with him.
"All the way down again," Iolaus complained. "And you said this would only take a minute."
"That's what I thought," he sighed. "They said it wouldn't be any problem."
"Maybe they know how this place works, but I don't, and it is a problem," Iolaus grouched. He was feeling rather grouchy.
Hercules nodded in sympathy, he could understand Iolaus annoyance, he was starting to get annoyed and he wasn't the one walking up and down a stone stair case barefoot.
The floor plan told them that the Requisition-Form Requisitions office was on the third level, in section Alpha, the right hand corridor.
"At least it's only on the third level," Hercules smiled as they started climbing the stair again.
"Feels like we're climbing Mount Olympus," Iolaus sighed. By the time they reached the third floor he was winded and had to stop for a moment to catch his breath. Hercules gave him another sympathetic smile, he handled it a lot better with his semi-divine blood. Of course Iolaus had all his excess energy, but that was a lot better for fighting, dancing and women, not so good for endless stone steps.
"You doing okay?" he asked.
"My feet are cold," Iolaus complained. That was another thing about stone steps, they sucked the warmth right out of your flesh.
"Yeah," Hercules mused. "As soon as we're done, we can go to a nice inn and get something to eat."
"If we have the money for it," he decided. Right now he wasn't very enthusiastic about their chances. Even if there was an inn, chances were they'd have to navigate a labyrinth to get to it.
"Well, here is section Alpha, and there is the right hand corridor," Hercules gave him an encouraging smile and headed down the corridor. He opened the door with the correct sign. Finding an official looking man seated behind a huge desk he walked over to him and presented his question.
"So, you want the pink parchment to get the Form R-B two-forty two?" the man asked and Hercules nodded.
"Well, I'm afraid I can't help you," he mused. "It's not that I don't want to you understand. But unless you have the Form R-P One, my hands are literally tied."
"What kind of form is that?" Hercules wanted to know.
"Why, it's the form you need to get the pink parchment that allows you to get the Form R-B two-forty two," he smiled. "If you go up to level six, section Gamma, they'll give you the purple parchment."
"And that will get us the Form R-P?" Hercules asked hopefully.
"No of course not," he smiled. "But it will get you the green parchment, and if you bring that to level one, section Alpha you'll get a stamp on it so that you'll be able to get the Green parchment, and once you've taken that to level six, section Alpha for a stamp you can bring it back here and I'll be able to give you the purple parchment," he smiled.
"Come on Iolaus, the sooner we start, the sooner we can get out of this madhouse," Hercules sighed. Slinging an arm around his shoulders he started on the trek, somehow this all made the Hydra seem like a walk in the park. Not just the Hydra actually, you could throw in a couple of other monsters and it would still seem like easy pleasure in comparison.
They wound up and down, right and left, through corridors and back again, when they reached the first level section Alpha they found they couldn't get the stamp unless they first went to level five, section Beta and filled out a form of permission for the stamp.
They went there, then to level three section Gamma, continued to level zero section Delta. Back up to level one, up to three, down to zero, up to four and then back down to one before they continued to six. They were laden with forms and Hercules could no longer sort out what form was supposed to get them what, all he knew was that no monster had ever been this terrible.
"This, is a nightmare," he mused. He heard a dull thudding sound behind him and turned around to see Iolaus repeatedly and methodically bang his head against the wall in frustration.
"Is it working?" he asked, if the blond answered in affirmative he wouldn't waste any time before doing it himself.
"I don't know, and I don't care," Iolaus stated as he continued to hit his head against the wall. He rather doubted its effectiveness, but it felt good in some strange manner.
"Come on buddy, you'll just get a headache," Hercules gently pulled him away from the wall and draped an arm over his shoulders.
"That would be nice," the blond mumbled. "At least it would be a distraction."
"Getting a bit sore footed?" Hercules mused.
"No, I'm beyond that," he shook his head. "I don't care about boots anymore, what I want is a form to requisition a really nice sharp sword. Then I'm gonna chop my feet off, because that's the only thing that'll do the trick right now. I think I'm gonna do it at this level," he held a hand out at his stomach. "That might work, but right now I'm not even sure about that. This isn't working Hercules. I don't know why, but they're trying to kill us, or drive us insane. Or drive us insane so they can kill us, or kill us so we won't notice they drew us insane to kill us…"
Hercules grabbed him firmly by the shoulders, lifted him a couple of inches off the ground and then shook him, hard.
"What was that for?" Iolaus demanded when the demigod put him down. While waiting for the answer he kept shifting his weight between his feet as if it would ease the pain.
"I can put up with you babbling, I'll even go so far as to say you've earned the right to rant a bit, but don't let them drive you insane Iolaus," Hercules told him worriedly.
"It's too late Hercules," Iolaus laughed, a hysterical laugh and Hercules shook him again.
"Don't do that!" the smaller man cried at him when he put him down. "Don't do that Herc, I don't, it's not… Just don't do it."
"Then pull yourself together, I know this is hard, but look, do you really want to drive yourself crazy over this?"
"I don't want to drive myself crazy, 'they' want to drive me crazy," Iolaus gestured wildly. "And you know what, there's no point in me going mad from trying to stop myself from going crazy, okay? I might as well go mad right away and save my sanity for later, when I feel like I can deal with it again."
"Okay, now I'm really getting worried about your mental health," Hercules decided. "Or maybe about mine, because that actually made sense to me."
"I don't know, I don't care, I can't do this anymore," Iolaus sighed as he sank down tiredly against the wall.
"Alright," Hercules sank down beside him, once more throwing an arm across his shoulder. He was starting to sport a rather interesting looking bruise on his forehead he noted. "We just need to think this through for a moment. We've defeated monsters Iolaus, I'm sure we can beat this to."
"Yeah, how?" the blond asked dejectedly.
"Let me think for a moment," Hercules pondered the problem for a moment, then grinned as he stood up. "Come, I've got an idea."
"Does it involve getting out of here?" Iolaus wanted to know. "If it does, I'm interested. If not, I'm not so sure."
"You're going to like this, I promise," Hercules assured him. He made him follow to level four, section Beta and took the right hand corridor to window one.
"Excuse me," he smiled lightly. "I was told to go here and get the Form B-S, as stipulated in the circular twenty two, appendix Iota."
"I've never heard of it," she frowned. "Are you quite sure you got it right?"
"Oh yes, I'm sure," he nodded while Iolaus watched. "Form B-S, as stipulated in the circular twenty two, appendix Iota, that's exactly what I'm looking for."
"Well, it might have been added recently," she decided. "Excuse me for a moment." She turned to her neighbor, which was window fourteen Hercules knew. They had been there, and why they put window fourteen beside window one he would never know.
"Have you ever heard about that?" she asked. "Form B-S, as stipulated in the circular twenty two, appendix Iota?"
"No, never," her neighbor shook her head. "I've never heard of anything like it. But you know, they got a new man up on level five, section Alpha, he might have come up with it."
"Yes, that's possible," she nodded. "We'll just have to go find out, come on."
The two of them left their windows and headed up the stairs.
"Come, we're gonna watch this," Hercules grinned as he dragged Iolaus back out to the stair case. "We can watch from here," he grinned. "It should be amusing."
"I'm not sure if I'll ever find something amusing again," Iolaus muttered. "Can't we just get out of here?"
"Not yet," Hercules insisted. He leaned against the wall, reached out a long arm and grabbed Iolaus' shoulder, hauling him back to lean against the wall.
Iolaus muttered something under his breath, rubbed his foot against his shine and decided that it didn't do a lot to help, but standing was at the moment at least better than climbing up and down the stairs, even if the stone floor was still just as cold.
They waited for a short while, then the two women came back trailing a man behind him.
"It didn't come from my office," the man stated. "Let's try the main office for the green forms for the purple forms. They're on level six, section Gama I believe."
"I thought they were down on the third level, section Alpha," one of the women frowned. They climbed the stairs just the same, and soon came back down walking right past Hercules and Iolaus. This time there were four of them and Iolaus scratched his head confused.
"No no, it wasn't us," the new man said. "But I know what. It must have been the office for appendixes."
"Well, where are they?" the lady from window one wanted to know.
"I don't know, we'll have to go down and consult the floor plan," he decided.
Hercules and Iolaus had positioned themselves somewhere in the middle of the house, and Iolaus had hitched himself up to sit on the balustrade. It was a lot more comfortable and helped ease the soreness in his feet, at least for the moment.
"Level two, section Alpha," the man muttered as they came back up. "But first we must get the form T-H two zero, that way we can get a signature from the office on level four section Gamma and we can get the purple form seventh degree that we need to take with us to Level two, section Alpha."
"This is crazy," Iolaus muttered. "They got forms for things that don't even exist?"
"No, they got a lot of ineffectual forms, they should tire themselves out with it," Hercules grinned. "Then maybe we can get what we want.
The small crowd came down again, and now there were eight of them. One was muttering about level one, section Beta right corridor, while another one wanted the left corridor. One wanted to level two, section Alpha and the information desk in the left corridor.
They disappeared for a moment, their footsteps echoing up through the stair case, then all was quiet for a moment before they came trotting back.
Iolaus watched amused as the number grew and they became more and more frantic. They were no longer just going up and down, they were going everywhere. Someone kept running past them, muttering how he couldn't find the Requisition Form Requisitions office. Iolaus trying to be helpful tried to tell him that it was on Level Three, section Alpha and the right corridor, but the man wasn't listening. He was darting into first one section and then another, back to the first, and just running around in a state of panic.
"Okay, I admit it, this is amusing," he acknowledged and Hercules gave him a knowing grin.
Hercules would have thought they had reached a state of chaos that was unbeatable, only to be proven wrong. It seemed the whole house was in uproar. The building was constructed of a lot of small offices where no one really knew what anyone else was doing, and suddenly they were forced to try and find out. Apparently they hadn't been ready for it.
Finally a man approached them, looking surprisingly calm as he gazed across the chaos. Not a few of them had taken to try Iolaus' method and now stood banging their heads against a wall while someone sat weeping silently in a corner, rocking back and forth.
"What exactly is going on here?" he asked.
"Well, they are trying to find the Form B-S, as stipulated in the circular twenty two, appendix Iota," Hercules told him. "And we want the Form R-B two-forty two."
"Form B-S, as stipulated in the circular twenty two, appendix Iota," he frowned. "I've never heard of it. That's just a lot of nonsense."
"It is what they're looking for," Hercules smiled. "And we just want Form R-B two-forty two. If we could just have that, we'd get out of your way while you sort this out."
"Fine," he pulled a slip of parchment out of his pocket and Hercules took. "Now get out of here," he urged them. "It'll take me weeks, months, to sort this out."
"Thanks," Hercules grinned, he turned around and walked out, the gentle slap of Iolaus' bare feet on stone following him.
"So, we got it now?" the blond asked as he hastened his steps a little top walk alongside of Hercules.
"Form R-B two-forty two," Hercules read out loud from the form. "Yep, we got it now," he grinned.
"By asking for Form B-S, as stipulated in the circular twenty two, appendix Iota," Iolaus closed his eyes as he struggled to remember it for a moment. "What is that anyway?"
"Nothing as far as I know," Hercules grinned. "I made it up. The whole thing was a lot of made-up nonsense, I thought we could fight it with more of the same."
"So, where do we go now?" Iolaus wanted to know.
"The bootmaker," Hercules suggested with a grin.
"Do you suppose we're gonna have to go all over his shop, running back and forth to get them?" Iolaus wanted to know. "Because if that's the case, I'm not gonna bother to."
"I think it'll be easier," Hercules grinned. "Come on, I'm sure we can manage."
"Yeah, well, boots will be good," Iolaus nodded. They found the boot maker and entered his shop. Hercules showed him the form and he nodded.
"It will take a couple of days," he told them after he had measured the proper size for the boots. "You will stay here?"
"We will," Hercules nodded. "We'll find a place here to stay for a couple of days."
"There's an excellent inn just down the street," the boot maker told them.
"Thank you we'll try that," Hercules nodded.
"We don't have enough to pay for rooms or meals," he mused as they walked there. "But maybe we can work for it."
"Do some hunting," Iolaus nodded. "That'd be good."
They entered the inn and looked around confused as everyone went silent. Hercules led the way to the bar.
"Hi, uh, we were wondering if we could arrange something," he started. "You see, we need to stay a couple of days, but well, we don't really have any money, but if you have some work that needs done?"
"Aren't you Hercules?" the man asked and he nodded.
"Uh, yeah."
"And you killed the monster," the man wanted to know and he nodded again.
"Yeah, we did," he confirmed.
"And then you went to the town hall, and you, you did 'that thing' at the town hall?" the man didn't seem completely sure what it was he thought they had done.
"That was us yeah," Hercules nodded, wondering if they were in for round two of the same just to get the room.
"Hercules, we owe you a debt we can never repay you," the man beamed. "You're welcome to stay here as long as you want to. In fact I insist," he grinned. "Shoot, we'd be happy to have you just for killing the monster, but that house, we've all tried to take business there and it's been driving us crazy. You saved us from it."
"We didn't really do anything," he mused. "And we'd be more than happy to work for our stay, any work you need done, my friend is an excellent hunter, we could bring you some fresh meat."
"Oh no, we wouldn't dream of it," he stated. "Please, sit down, I'll bring you something to eat. The best stew. Please sit down, it won't take a minute." He scurried off into the kitchen while the people slowly started talking again even if most of them continued to look at them from time to time.
"I guess we'd better sit down," Hercules mused as he led the way from the bar to a table with a couple of free chairs.
The innkeeper soon brought them their meal, and while he wasn't the most talented cook in all of Greece there was certainly nothing wrong with the food. Iolaus ate heartily and was not ashamed to accept seconds, and even third. All the running around they had done in the town hall had left him half starved. Once he had had his fill he followed Hercules outside where they sat down under a tree with a mug of ale. Stretching out and enjoying themselves in the late afternoon coolness.
They stayed a few days while they waited for the boots to be ready, and while the innkeeper tried to refuse anything they offered they still went hunting. Neither could face sitting around being idle all day so hunting gave them something to do and Iolaus didn't mind if he did so barefoot. He was however still grateful when the boots were ready, trying them on with a big grin of satisfaction. They fit perfectly, and looked a good deal like his old pair. It had been a good pair of boots, even if they weren't monster resistant. He didn't mind the new pair looking like them.
The town hall was still in a state of chaos when they left, or so the magistrate seemed to think. The citizens had a completely different way to look at it. The way they saw it, for the first time anyone could remember it was actually working in their favor.
They were all grateful to Hercules and his partner, not so much for having defeated the monster, but for having defeated the system…
The End
No pointless paper shuffling bureaucracy was harmed during the writing of this fanfic. Iolaus was quite happy with his boots but the Form B-S, as stipulated in the circular twenty two, appendix Iota was never found…
Please review, the Cricket is hungry….