Chapter One – Caving In
I won't go back. Bella deserves a life. Bella deserves a life
Exactly six months to the day had passed since the day I left Bella in the woods of Forks. But I would not allow myself to remember that day. I could not, for fear that the pain would overtake me and I would give in to my strongest desire; to go back and see her again.
As painful as I knew the separation was for her, it was a hundred times more painful for me. A hundred times because I waited nearly a century for someone, or something to alter my life and my self the way Bella did. The way only Bella could.
Every thought I had was filled with visions of her. Memories of her sweet, alluring scent and deep brown eyes I could get lost in. The way her loving gaze would wash over me like melted chocolate, and it always seemed like she could see right through me. As though she was admiring the soul she was so sure I still had.
Even though I left for her, to keep her safe, I couldn't help but look back on that day in the woods and see myself, the monster. After endangering her life over and over again, just by being near her, I hurt her yet again with my lies. I hurt her to save her, because Bella deserved a life.
I squeezed my eyes shut as I attempted to push every other thought out of my head besides those four simple words that were my personal salvation.
Bella deserves a life.
I repeated that line through my head over and over again every time I was overcome with the desire to go back and see her angelic face just one more time.
I was having a bad day. Through this particular stretch of time – hours, days, weeks, had ceased to mean much to me anymore – I had already repeated my mantra 697 times. I'd been counting, because in reality, there wasn't much else for me to do.
The pain I felt when I removed myself from Bella's life had permeated me and had come to define my entire existence. My unnatural existence was meaningless without my angel by my side, and so I gave up on it. I shut out my family and friends – hell, even total strangers couldn't look at me without being horrified and compelled to escape my presence as fast as possible. I knew what I looked like to them – desperate, confused, and miserable – a grieving man on the verge of insanity. It wasn't getting any easier, either. How would I make it another 60 or 70 years through this searing pain?
I comforted myself with the thought of what would come when I finally ended my life. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I was prepared to make the effort it took. I would not continue my existence once Bella had moved on to the Heaven that surely was anxiously awaiting her arrival. I would find a way to end it, and the oblivion that I imagined awaited me was a welcoming black hole – oblivion, fronted by a finely dressed doorman with a friendly smile, inviting me in. If only I could give in to that oblivion now. But I would not leave this Earth without knowing that she was safe and happy and had lived the best life my absence could offer her. When she was gone, I would go too.
After all, I gave up everything I wanted and needed when I left Bella behind, and I had taken away what she thought she wanted. But Bella didn't truly know what was best for her. She thought a soulless, never-ending existence was the best chance she had in life. I knew better. This thought brought the mantra back to the forefront of my mind. Bella deserved a life, Bella deserved a life.
Would this ever get any easier?
I'm not sure how much time passed before my willpower finally crumbled. I was sitting in my hole, wallowing in my sadness and just barely existing when I caved. I had been repeating my Bella mantra since I could remember. I'm not sure how much time had passed, but I do know that I had repeated this savory line exactly 1,749 times in a row before my head suddenly cleared.
For the first time since I became a vampire, my mind went completely blank. I failed to form any coherent thoughts, and the image I saw behind my eyelids took my breath away. It was Bella. Her face, her beauty. Her soft, thin frame that was so at odds with her inner strength. Her dazzling smile and the warmth of her deep brown eyes that so easily saw through me. I focused on this image, strengthening it behind my eyelids until I was nearly convinced that she was standing there in front of me.
I sensed that this was a dangerous path to be on, and I suddenly began to fear that I was losing my mind. When I snapped my eyes open, I could still see her standing there before me. As her image in front of me resolved itself, her scent became a clear and strong burning in my throat. I gasped in one desperate breath to see if it could be real, and my throat flamed with the memory of the sweet floral aroma that suddenly seemed to be there.
My nostrils flared and my eyes dilated as I stared at the beautiful and perfect hallucination in front of me.
"Edward, I love you," the hallucination whispered to me. A shudder ripped through my stone body, and I gasped in pain. I suddenly sucked in deep breaths of air like a human just pulled from a near-drowning, even though I didn't physically need the oxygen. If I could produce tears, I'm sure I would have been weeping. Her scent filled my mind and overwhelmed my senses. I couldn't stand it anymore.
Without any real concept of what I was doing, I suddenly stood and was moving. I stepped out of the room I was boarded up in and into the pitch-black night of Buenos Aires. The wind stirred around me, but I could barely feel it. I followed my beautiful illusion as she beckoned me forward with welcoming eyes. Before I realized what was happening, I was running after her. Every step I took, everywhere I looked, all I could see was my heartbreakingly beautiful Bella.
I didn't fully realize where I was going until I slowed to a walk and was striding through the front doors of the Ezeiza International Airport. Some part of my brain was arguing with my body to stop walking, to turn around and go back to the dingy motel I'd spent the last however-long in, lock the door to the outside world and go crazy in private.
Some part of me was screaming that going to check on Bella would only make things a thousand times worse than they already were. Some part of me recognized that the beautiful hallucination was my mind and my heart trying desperately to cooperate with one another to ease my unbearable suffering. I recognized all these things in myself, but that didn't stop me from walking in to find the first airline with open seats on a flight – any flight – to the United States.